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Red flags - 9/10/2009 5:56:27 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		A situation came up last night, that has me thinking about dating red flags. I define a red flag as those little comments made by the other person signaling that something is not quite right. This also includes certain characteristics and behaviors that demand serious consideration BEFORE pursuing the relationship further. Once I see a red flag then comes the hard part, at least for me. Is the “red flag” serious enough for me not to pursue a relationship with the other person.

When meeting someone weather a dom/me or submissive what are some of your personal red flags and how do they dictate your reaction to the other person?

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Blessed be,
Nika

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 6:15:30 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		First and biggest. catch them in a lie no matter how small, hasta la vista baby. At the point where trust is being built such an obvious sign that I can't trust them and it is a no go.

Inconsistency, blowing hot and cold, trying to play games.... either they want to see if things can move forward or they don't. If they don't then don't waste My time! They are likely to get a warning shot the first time and get told where to go... permanently, if the behaviour continues.

The one that sometimes catches Me out for a while is where they have a problem that they need help to overcome. If such is genuine then I can be rather patient and supportive.... however if the person isn't putting the effort in themself to get over it then I will notice eventually.... you can't help someone who won't help themself! Once I realise that then it is out the door they go!


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 6:46:22 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika
When meeting someone weather a dom/me or submissive what are some of your personal red flags and how do they dictate your reaction to the other person?
I look for how they assign blame. When they talk about their past relationships, do I hear about the awful partners that have done awful things to them or do I hear a well balanced view of it? I'm looking to see signs of a team mentality. In my experience, despite the fact that everyone says they are all about "we" (see other post), the truth is that few are.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 7:29:19 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I look at the overall character of the person.  RavenMuse & Leadership mentioned some important ones to me - truthfulness, consistency, and how they reflect on failed relationships.

I also like to see how they conduct themselves with the general public (restaurants, for example), and in the case of my owner, how he treats his daughter.  Also, how does he treat me?   How does he handle my idiosyncrasies?  Does he become frustrated and impatient?  Does he accept them?  Can I be myself around him or am I on guard?  This one is really important to me.  If I have to suppress my personality (or parts of it) for him, then I am with the wrong person.  This isn't him being a bad guy, it's us not being compatible.  We'd only end up being frustrated in the end.


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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 7:56:11 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I agree with the above posts. If someone will lie to me about the small things before we've even met, it ended there. If they'll lie about the small things, where will they stop? If every ex that they have is a bitch or asshole.....it's something to think about. If he/she is an asshole to the waiter/waitress.

For me some of the others were:

Someone that assumes that because they say they're dominant and I'm a submissive it means that I'm easy and they're guaranteed to get laid. Because they said so, dammit.

Someone that only wants to talk about sex and/or D/s BDSM without caring who I am. Also, someone that wanted to meet at a hotel, their home, in a dark alley, etc.

Someone that presents a situation that really can't exist in real life. Like living in a cage 24/7.

Someone that suggests that outside communications and friendships will be controlled by them.





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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 7:57:56 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		All great posts so far.

I have a list of red flags as one of my journal entries.


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Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 7:59:22 AM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		Red Flags:
1. You need to pick me up, because the group home won't let me drive
2. We can't meet at that restaurant, because it is within 500 feet of a school, which would violate my court order.
3. Mornings are better for me, before my meds wear off.

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 8:16:11 AM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		My personal red flags.

1. If you lie to me about ANYTHING
2. If you talk negative about an ex or do nothing but talk about your ex
3. If you the 1st time meeting you expect me to treat you like I would if I were collared to you (ie mix your coffee, wait to eat til you do, allow you to order for me)
4. If you want to control who my friends are and when/if I see them or family members, because you think you should be my ONLY support and the only person I need in my life.
5. All you talk about is d/s dynamics instead of trying to know me, the woman.
6. If you tell me or show me you are jealous person.

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Blessed be,
Nika


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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 8:20:12 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

leadership527 said
I look for how they assign blame. When they talk about their past relationships, do I hear about the awful partners that have done awful things to them or do I hear a well balanced view of it? I'm looking to see signs of a team mentality. In my experience, despite the fact that everyone says they are all about "we" (see other post), the truth is that few are.



That is something I always look out for too.
I tune in very quickly to people and although initially I may be quiet, I am still perhaps overly observant.
Does this person have the capability to listen and hear?
Do I get there baggage in the first hour?
Do they drop names and talk about the silly bitches they dated before me?
Do they tell me how they got there heart broken by a woman they are still trying to get over?







< Message edited by allthatjaz -- 9/10/2009 8:23:05 AM >

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 8:41:26 AM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika
When meeting someone weather a dom/me or submissive what are some of your personal red flags and how do they dictate your reaction to the other person?
I look for how they assign blame. When they talk about their past relationships, do I hear about the awful partners that have done awful things to them or do I hear a well balanced view of it? I'm looking to see signs of a team mentality. In my experience, despite the fact that everyone says they are all about "we" (see other post), the truth is that few are.



Yes - and I would add to that, as I listen to her accounts of past relationships, am I hearing an evolution of personal growth on her part? Did every relationship follow the same basic pattern, marked by the same mistakes, or did she seem to learn something from each one? What were those mistakes? What sort of thought process and personality do they suggest?

Also in that vein, how does she describe not just her past relationships, but her partners as well? Were they basically a collection of terrible jerks, or were they pretty decent people who just had some flaws and things just didn't work out? That's going to say a lot about who she is.

Other than that, I look for consistency, sincerity, intellectual honesty, a positive, open-minded outlook, and the ability to not take herself too seriously. Good self-esteem, but not much ego. If those things aren't there, I'm probably not going to want to get too close.


_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 8:48:20 AM   
DemonKia


Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline 		Oh, good topic!

In addition to the fabulous thoughts above, I've got a couple to add:


  • How the other talks about family members, especially their mom & sisters (if any) -- similar to the thinking about exes;
  • Same thing for non-human pets as for family & exes -- how do they treat / discuss;
  • Bragging, big talk, needing to be the center of attention -- this is one of those compatibility things. I need to be the center of attention . . . . .




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Snarko ergo sum.



The Verbossinator

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 8:48:42 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		i look at his ability to accept responsibility for his actions. if he is unable to do so and make a conscious admission of wrongdoing, ignorance, etc. but holds others to a different standard. it is a general sign that we won't be compatible.

communication difficulties usually require a closer look. does he find articulating himself challenging, due to the form utilized? are there mental/emotional contributing factors? or is he merely guarded and secretive instead? while some can overcome these things with time and conscious effort, it makes it difficult on the submissive end.

theory versus realism is key for me. i encounter people who have ideas that they have no capacity to put into play. can you demonstrate how to move from point a to point b convincingly? if you cannot, what are you doing to compensate for this? if he has made little investment in himself, i'd be hard pressed to believe he'd muster the energy for me.

discovering why he's still looking generally tells a thing or two. i have little regard for the past because it is something i cannot change. what i'm hoping to hear is what you've learned from those experiences, both good and bad. if he has a laundry list of reasons why he's alone and the responses centers on what's wrong with the other party, i'm going to assume this person lacks a clear picture of himself or at the very least he's unwilling to admit his deficiencies. how would he ever handle mine?

how he handles stress, conflict, and challenges is usually a deal breaker. nothing is ever perfect and the road will be bumpy on occasion. is he the kind to stand still and make it work, or flip out and do something self destructive instead? i prefer a person that is stable and anchored.

does he realize i'm a work in progress and that he is as well? if he's holding out for perfection we're not a good fit.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 9:36:51 AM   
shadowowl


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		lots of good ones here.
jealously ins't realy a red flag for me lol.   though that's personal opinion. 
some other ones
verbal degregation or humiliation prior to an actual scene or relationship agreement.
pushing things to move very fast and skiming over details
not being able to call them only waiting for them to call you before any sort of relationship agreement
asking to borrow money after just meeting them
some mentioned talking bad about their ex's which I agree but another one that to me is a red flag is  talking trash about MY ex's when they don't even know them  I occasionally mention problems we may have had but i'll be the first to admit it was at least half my fault and have no disrespect for well most of my ex's and really don't like when others talk bad about them either especially if they never met them.  Better to just not talk about ex's at all with the exception of short mentions here or there.

-telling me how depressed they are with their life and not having a justifiable reason to be depressed (ie lost a loved one recently, illness in the family or friend) I'm not really one to deal well with overly depressed
-comparing you to their previous master/mistress/sub or ex constently

another red flag is the exact opposite of bashing their ex talking about them like they are the best thing since sliced bread. 


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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 9:42:38 AM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

When meeting someone weather a dom/me or submissive what are some of your personal red flags and how do they dictate your reaction to the other person?


The major one for me is jealousy. In meeting another and they show indications of being jealous, especially over circumstances for no reason, I say "thanks but no thanks."  I find jealousy is a good indicator of a person being too insecure about themselves and I don't to be part of their insecurity....I've worked hard to overcome mine and will not have that be sabotaged.


_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 9:51:57 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		in virtual situations where we've began communicating online.

if that person never speaks to anyone outside of here and has a pen pal approach to dialogue. i'm likely to wonder if he's serious, has a strange discomfort with the telephone/meeting in person, or possibly has questionable factors that prohibit such. like gender, other relations, etc.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 10:04:47 AM   
petmonkey


Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline 		Daintydimples,

i peeked at your journal list of red flags.  It should be a sticky. :)


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Be excellent to each other.


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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 10:19:39 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 5:31:11 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Red flags....
all they do is talk about their ex..either how much they still miss her or how much of a bitch she is.

They expect you to pay for the date..I'm old fashioned. I believe a man should at least pay for the first date. It's a sign for me that they are not the traditional type of male that I'm attracted to.

They're argumentative

They ask if they can crash at your house or even move in..yup, had it happen.

They treat the service poorly

They show up dressed like a slob

Constantly glued to their cellphone

Talks only about himself

Immediately wants to talk about sex/fetishes/kinks right from the getgo

Orders you to take off your panties at the table

I'm sure I can come up with a million others that have happened to me over the years..those are just the basics.

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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 5:33:40 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Anger. You boast about how you told your boss off, and the one before that, and the bartender and I put you in the "needs anger management class" list. And I don't want anybody on that list.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Red flags - 9/10/2009 6:04:07 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetNika

A situation came up last night, that has me thinking about dating red flags. I define a red flag as those little comments made by the other person signaling that something is not quite right. This also includes certain characteristics and behaviors that demand serious consideration BEFORE pursuing the relationship further. Once I see a red flag then comes the hard part, at least for me. Is the “red flag” serious enough for me not to pursue a relationship with the other person.

When meeting someone weather a dom/me or submissive what are some of your personal red flags and how do they dictate your reaction to the other person?


It would be the individual who's definition of a submissive is the one who has the ability to successfully get into 27 different sexual positions. Don't laugh, someone actually told me this.
Lying of course, an obsessive interest in my finances. excuses for not meeting in a public place to name just a few

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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

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