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submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 6:59:19 PM

babe4bdk

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

Hello to All and Thank You in advance for taking the time to read my post. I have found myself at a point of confusion and I am not sure where to go with this, so here I am. I have been in a Dom/sub relationship going on a
little over a year. All has been peachy and then there are moments when a "vanilla" part of me rears its ugly head :)

Although I am thrilled he has chosen me for His sub, at times I still question Him and His intentions. He made it clear that He had no interest in a vanilla girlfriend--which is fine--W/we met on alt...the roles were clear..His
desires were clear. He is ultimately wanting me to become His slave, which is what i strive to be. W/we are both
busy professionals--W/we both have children--W/we see each other once a week..or so. W/we communicate
mainly through IM--when W/we are not together and the occasional phone call. the only avenue i have been given
to contact Him, is through email or instant message.

i love Him and love serving Him...but the vanilla side of me wants more. Can one be a submissive girlfriend? Or should those two words never be used in a sentence?

Thank You in advance for Your offerings of advice.

Post #: 1

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 7:01:50 PM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Can one be a submissive girlfriend?

Of course.

Though perhaps not for the two of you. It's a "your decision" kinda thing...both of you

< Message edited by Musicmystery -- 9/11/2009 7:02:13 PM >

(in reply to babe4bdk)

Post #: 2

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 7:20:20 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

Submissive girlfriend? Sure.

What "more" does your vanilla side want, specifically?

And why has he limited you to contacting him only through IM or email? Is he married?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Musicmystery)

Post #: 3

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 7:48:09 PM

babe4bdk

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

Level--

Thank You for You reply. He has only given me His email/IM address. He has not offered a phone number, so O/our phone conversations are limited to when He calls me. Part of my concern is just that, I fear at times that He is married. Although, I have asked He assured me that He can only handle one woman at a time..yet He never calls me from home...only when He has windows of free time. I attribute this to being a busy professional and a parent. He attributes my fears as vanilla worries and feels that if i were a true sub this would not be a worry, and says that I should not question His routine, habits, etc. i love Him...but do not want to be the "other woman"--I have to draw the line there. I don't want to cross a line with Him--but want to protect myself. What to do?

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 4

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 8:00:06 PM

dove967

Posts: 102
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline

As a submissive woman, you are just that. A submissve WOMAN. It's my belief that one cannot separate the two. They are emeshed together along with every other part of your person and together as a whole define who you are. I know there are some folks who talk about turning that D/s part of themselves on and off and if that is how they perceive those roles-having clear boundries where one ends and the other begins-I'm glad that works for them. But, as for me, just because I am behaving and functioning in a "vanilla" way and in a "vanilla" world, doesn't mean the submissive part of me is somehow pushed aside to make room for that. I AM always sub, mom, girlfriend, daughter, friend, coworker, employee, sister, woman, and me. I migrate between the different roles depending on the situation and what is required of me to function w/in it. But, no one role is any more or less a part of my nature than the other. I think sometimes we too hard to put each role in it's own little box and try to label the boxes as "bad" or "good" . If we find ourselves acting in a "vanilla" way, we mistakenly feel we have diminshed somehow our "kink" roles, thus , rejecting a part of ourselves and suffer the ensueing guilt like we've commited some kind of betrayal. Nothing could be farther from the truth! As a community, we emphasize accepting all the various kinks and fetishes other people practice in this lifestyle. Why, therefore , can we not accept the various roles and parts of ourselves?

dove

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 5

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 8:04:52 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

First, you are quite welcome :)
Secondly:

quote:

He attributes my fears as vanilla worries and feels that if i were a true sub this would not be a worry, and says that I should not question His routine, habits, etc.

That sends alarms off all throughout my head. Have you ever been to, or inside, his home?

It's human to worry when things smell rotten, you know? And wise to protect one's self.

I would continue to seek confirmation on his status. If he can't understand that, then I'd be leery of accepting his judgment.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to babe4bdk)

Post #: 6

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 8:13:13 PM

babe4bdk

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

Well said Dove. You are precisely right. I have been and always will be a submissive woman. However, my life goes on...I am a mother, daughter, friend, colleague, etc...and I do have to act accordingly...at times I feel I am walking a fine line. I am new to the lifestyle, and I suppose that creates even more confusion for one such as myself.

Thank You for your reply!

(in reply to dove967)

Post #: 7

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 8:15:15 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Go meet someone for real.

And yes he's married.

Lots of us are subs and lovers and friends and rivals during heated games of cards. Lots of us are living with our partners or married to them.

If you want more, then don't allow this guy to limit you. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, you aren't going to be with him. Next time when a guy won't let you visit at his house, give you a home number and be happy to let you call late at night if you need, don't allow denial to let you ignore reality.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 8

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 8:18:44 PM

babe4bdk

Posts: 11
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline

Level-

No, unfortunately I have never been to His home. He usually comes to my home or W/we meet elsewhere. I am new to the lifestyle and realize that I have much to learn...and there are various interpretations of expectations within it. However, I am a woman. I recognize a flag. Even with it said, I so want to believe that He has been truthful with me.

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 9

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 8:23:02 PM

VampiresLair

Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babe4bdk
Can one be a submissive girlfriend? Or should those two words never be used in a sentence?

For us, its submissive boyfriend, but same difference. Soon to be my slave husband, just as emotional, affectionate and loving as any vanilla couple out there. Only difference being he has a collar around his neck and he defers to me as his Owner all the time.

If you have needs for the emotional and as you put it "vanilla" side of things then you have needs. Being a submissive doesnt negate those needs and any time a "Master" tells his sub that if you were a real, true or any other denotation of submissive you wouldnt worry about such things it is a load of horsecrap. If they feel it necessary to make you question your abilities for having the basic needs most people have, then they are not fit to be your keeper.

He does not want from the relationship what you do. Limited contact after hat long tells me you are a secret he has no intention of sharing. He may be married, he may be seeing someone, he may just be embarassed by the life he chooses to lead. Any way you slice it, if you are starting to feel the prickles of unfulfillment now, it is going to get worse, not better. Woudlnt you be happier finding someone as interested in a lifestyle based relationship as you are? Rather than sucking it up to make him happy when the basic idea is not reciprocated?

DV

_____________________________

Separately we are DiurnalVampire and DVsFox

10/18 Wedding date. 1 year and still blissfully happy

10/13/10 3 year anniversary of his becoming my Fox

Talk impolitely to me, baby - Thanks sunshinemiss

(in reply to babe4bdk)

Post #: 10

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 8:25:38 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

It's understandable to want to believe him, and he may well be telling you the truth. But you need to know .

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to VampiresLair)

Post #: 11

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 8:25:58 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

Yes. You can be a submissive girlfriend.
Most likely he's married. I cheated. There is a pattern and he falls within it.

_____________________________

(in reply to babe4bdk)

Post #: 12

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 8:39:21 PM

atypicalsub

Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline

Any good relationship is built on trust. Sounds like he is taking the tact that since he is Dom and you are sub you must trust him because he tells you to. That doesn't fly. He has to show you he is trustworthy. It sounds like he just wants you as an occational toy but has no intention of you ever being part of his life.

_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 13

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/11/2009 8:50:02 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babe4bdk
I so want to believe that He has been truthful with me.

It doesn't even matter! It seems like your interaction is limited to sex and D/s. Nothing else. And you want more.

That's fine. But of he's not willing to give you what you need.... there are lots of other Doms in this world.

I viewed your profile and it says that you two are looking to add another woman. Do you realize that you will possibly have less of his time after she's added in?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to babe4bdk)

Post #: 14

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/12/2009 6:45:29 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babe4bdk

Level--

Thank You for You reply. He has only given me His email/IM address. He has not offered a phone number, so O/our phone conversations are limited to when He calls me. Part of my concern is just that, I fear at times that He is married.

I'd lay money on him having an SO/wife/GF. You're being treated like a booty call. To mem this wouldn't be acceptable. At the very least it's a red flag.

quote:

Although, I have asked He assured me that He can only handle one woman at a time

Of course, he assures you of that. Admitting that he's lying would mean that you'd end his booty calls.

quote:

He never calls me from home...only when He has windows of free time. I attribute this to being a busy professional and a parent.

I'd attribute it to his homelife being more iportant than you, ie: wife and kids.

quote:

He attributes my fears as vanilla worries and feels that if i were a true sub this would not be a worry

Ah, so he's whipped out the ever popular "If you were a TWUE sub" blackmail/guilt routine to get you to shut up and do what he wants.

quote:

says that I should not question His routine, habits, etc.

Of course not, because if you question him you'll expose the fact that he's hiding something. Booty calls shouldn't speak, they should just shut up and fuck.

quote:

i love Him...

How can you love someone that doesn't respect you?

quote:

but do not want to be the "other woman"

You already are.

quote:

What to do?

Tell him bluntly what you need to be happy in this relationship which includes being a part of his life and open communication. If he's not willing, then walk.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to babe4bdk)

Post #: 15

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/12/2009 6:48:07 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I viewed your profile and it says that you two are looking to add another woman. Do you realize that you will possibly have less of his time after she's added in?

well spotted... but that might just be more her desire than his... maybe just for the (one off) thrill...

to the op:
i am a submissive wife... i am not ashamed to be greedy; i want it all

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 16

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/12/2009 8:25:52 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

If you are having a red flag moment then go with it. Do you know where in general he lives? Check the phone book. Go by his house.

Of course if you are so unsure of his viracity, then i would say your relationship is in serious trouble.
Tell him of your concerns , don't take the "i am the master, you must take whatever i dish out" crap, and get some facts if you can. There would be a good chance he would do the " you don't trust me , you can't be my sub, you failed" thing, but that is more to do with him than you.

In the end, you aren't in the relationship you want. It's up to you to find the relationship you want.

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 17

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/12/2009 9:18:46 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I wouldn't encourage the spying on him thing. If you have been together this long without meeting any of his people, walking into his home, ect, you are pretty much an on call piece of booty. Is that enough? If not it is best to pull out now and find someone who wants someone who is not true, but is real.
Being a submissive girlfriend is not a lofty goal. Many people do it that way.

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 18

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/12/2009 10:05:18 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

That would be a huge red flag for me, Any one trying to convince you if you were truely submissive you wouldn't want or need what ever it is you want or need, because subs don't want....... or that you wouldn't have worries if you are a sub because subs don't have worries, is just blowing smoke up your ass. Subs are people first and foremost, and people have needs and wants, and they have insecurities and they need reassurance sometimes too.

Secondly, I'd turn the true shit around on him just for shits and giggles and would tell him a True Dom would never try to tell his sub she's not a sub for having worries, they'd address them and do so properly not just fob off the worry with you're not a true sub then..

quote:

ORIGINAL: babe4bdk

. He attributes my fears as vanilla worries and feels that if i were a true sub this would not be a worry, and says that I should not question His routine, habits, etc. i love Him...but do not want to be the "other woman"--I have to draw the line there. I don't want to cross a line with Him--but want to protect myself. What to do?

(in reply to babe4bdk)

Post #: 19

RE: submissive girlfriend? - 9/12/2009 11:50:48 AM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

As with most newbies, you've thrown all common sense out the window.

You're being P-L-A-Y-E-D... ditch the idiot and find someone who is able to have (and desires) a real relationship with you.

Ignore this advice if you like, but every day that you do is just another wasted day away from finding the person that's actually right for you.

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 20

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