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Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 2:03:44 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

It is not uncommon and to my knowledge, still acceptable, to date multiple partners at the same time in an effort to find the most desirable individual. Does this practice extend to the lifestyle as well? Understand that while the original couple would hope that a more intensive D/s relationship develops, there has not been any agreed upon exclusivity aspect added to any of the following relationship situations

If “Sub A” is dating “Master A” and then “Master B” and even “Master C” enters the picture is “Sub A”
Required to tell the Masters about one another?
Should “Sub A” tell, or is that considered in poor taste?
How “should” the Masters feel and respond to this

And to be fair

If “Master D” is dating “Sub E” and even “Sub F” enters the picture
Is “Master D”
Required to tell the Subs about one another?
Should “Master D” tell or is that considered in poor taste
How “should” the Submissives feel and respond to this

And to be fair

If “Switch K” is dating “Switch L” and even “Switch M” enters the picture
Is “Switch K”
Required to tell the Switches about one another?
Should “Switch K” tell or is that considered in poor taste
How “should” the other Switches feel and respond to this

And then the question says, that while we should respond and act in a certain manner, Do we? How realistically might we act and respond?

Thank you all who respond

< Message edited by Acer49 -- 9/13/2009 2:18:03 AM >

_____________________________

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Post #: 1

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 2:20:06 AM

FelineFae

Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline

Well, i'd figure if all parties were honest and made clear communication a goal, everything would be just fine.

i do find it curious that once in history, it was socially acceptable to date many people until one special person caught your fancy and you "went steady". Now-a-days even UMs consider it "cheating" if you have more than one girlfriend or boyfriend.

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(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 2

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 2:22:54 AM

dove967

Posts: 102
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline

I am currently exchanging messages with a Dom for whom I have an ever growing affection for and am assured those affections are reciprocated as he cares enough for me to request that I submit to him in by informing him about other Doms I am chatting with and requesting permission to do so. He's not trying to be a bully. It is in a Dominant's nature to want to protect that which is of value to him by wanting a degree of control. That being said, this was my reply to his request. I hope it will benefit other submissives who find themselves answering to any Dominant who would care enough about them, that it would bring strong, protective and instinctual feelings to the surface.

Dear Sir,

I consider it the highest of compliments that after knowing me such a short time, you would find me worthy not only of those feelings, but, to go so far as to make the declaration of that desire. That being said, Sir, it is with the utmost respect, consideration , and ever growing affection that I give this reply. There are those in this lifestyle that are so eager, almost desperate, to express thier submission to another that they unintentionally devalue that most precious gift of surrender. In doing so, they do a disservice to themselves. If they cannot view thier own submission as something precious and beautiful. To be earned by a Dominant who has shown himself trustworthy enough to nurture, care for, and encourage the continued growth of the giver in love and respect. Then are they not in essence offering a submission that is less than the best they can give? Perhaps out of ignorance, perhaps out of immaturity, perhaps out of a poor self image, they unintentionally foster an enviornment in the relationship from the beginning where the Dominant may hold the same esteem for the service they recieve that the submissive holds in giving her service prematurely. When a Dominant accepts her submission, he also accepts a degree of responsiblity to protect and provide for the emotional, psychological, and physcial needs and desires of the submissive. He takes her into his charge to guide her, teach her, and refine her submission to a greater beauty and luster if not to serve him to a higher degree, then develope within that submissive a service of the highest caliber, a service of such high quality that even the submissive herself begins to see what a precious gift her service is when offered in all humility. Sir, I deeply appreciate the purity of your motives and out of respect and in friendship I will be happy to share with you the steps I walk in my journey of exploration. I will listen carefully to any advice, guidence, and warnings you wish to share with me out of concern for my safety and well being. But, until we know each other on a deeper level I genuinely feel it would be unwise of this submissive to not only commit my obedience to you, but, to also allow you to commit to that level of accountablilty and responsibilty. Your strong desire to ensure my well being by requesting my obedience comes from place and cares enough about me to want to protect me. That only makes me want to continue in the direction we have been going at a pace slow enough to ensure that should the day come that you would again request my submission to you, I will be able to offer it as the beautiful and precious gift that a Dom of your integrity is worthy of. I hope I have not offended you with my reply, for it is sent with the highest regard and respect.

dove

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 3

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 2:57:54 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

in major relationship terms I don't DO 'dating'..... Prior to her giving Me her submission then We are simply two people who happen to be looking at potentials. After she submits, she belongs to Me and any "Dom" she may see would be a playpartner and with My permission under My limits.

First for that, I already have a girl which anyone reading My profile or even My forum .sig can see, and I am not looking to replace but rather add too. If they haven't spotted that before the first couple of mails then they haven't the IQ of a retarded chipmonk and would be rather incompatible. For that level of relationship I involve My girl from the first face to face meeting also, given the relationship with her is also important.

As for others... just touching bases and checking initial compatabilitys I wouldn't bother sharing with others. Once the first meeting is out of the way, IF the decision is made that this is someone I want to seriously explore whether We can turn potentials into a reality then the others are backed off whilst I focus My energys where they should be.

Playpartners just have to check My profile to know who My full partners are... and whilst I may not shout it from the rooftops I don't hide My playpartners either. Especialy if they become regular

So yes, they know what is relevant to know. Anyone I am actualy involved with, be it Owned by Me or just a playpartner is kept aware of anyone else I am involved with. Nobody hides anything of that from anyone else in this household. It is a Poly household, it is My household... cheating and lies are not acceptable here.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to dove967)

Post #: 4

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 3:20:55 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Many people do date and talk to more than one potential at a time.
But yes, I do think you should mention that on both sides of the slash.

And many people are like me who prefer to concentrate on one at a time. Pre internet, in my youth, families had one phone. So you couldn't tie it up for hours on end when there was no call waiting. I was expected to talk for ten or fifteen and then get off so it was free.

Today with multiple ways to reach someone it's becoming more common to focus on one at a time since you can spend hours on end talking to them; cell phones, landlines, email, chat. You simply can learn a lot more about someone now in two weeks then when I was a kid.

And indeed that's what we did. We spent literally hours talking those first few days, more than enough to know that there was a great deal of commonalities between us, that we wanted to keep talking. So we did.

But since you can rule someone out a lot faster than when I was young, it isn't a hardship to devote two weeks or two days even in deciding there was enough between you, that you wanted more. One or two three hour dates a week didn't give you the amount of time and information to know if you clicked compared to four hours daily. Especially if you spent those dates at the movies with a half hour coffee date afterwards.

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Slave to laundry

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(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 5

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 5:32:51 AM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

Both sides of the slash should be up front and honest with the other side and let them know of how they are doing things. Some people need the time to "see, date, talk to, whatever you want to call it" multiple people to find the one they are looking for. Others want the "one at a time" scenario. I don't see either one being right or wrong, or better or worse than the other one.

For me, I am the "one at a time". If I were seeing, talking to, (beginning stages) of a relationship with a Dom and there were mulitple potential partners he was "dancing with" (as the op put it), then I would want and expect him to tell me. As I would tell him that he was the only one I would be "dancing with" ... that is the way for me.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 6

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 5:42:43 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

In initial stages of communication, whatever it is, I see no reason at all to focus only on one, unless there is only one I happen to have any interest in. I am constantly contacted by women on the other side. A few are able to maintain the attention span it takes to write a decent email, a few of those actually follow up the first email with an interesting second one, and a few of those I actually have some interest in. If I focused on one at a time I may as well not answer a single one. The odds would be about equal in ever meeting one. Not that they are much better otherwise......

I have never assumed that anyone did it differently. I never assume that someone writing me, is only writing me. I never assume someone I've spoken with and had a casual meeting with, is only doing so with me. Until there is some spoken commitment, after actual physical time spent together, they are not mine and are free to do whatever they wish.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 7

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 6:11:26 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

We'll talk to multiple people at times, some remain just good company for coffee and a yarn and others show potential which at that time we dance a version of the mating dance. We make no secret that we could be dancing with multiple partners in something like a progressive barn dance with the odd person dropping off until we are ready to progress to dirty dancing..

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 8

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 6:18:04 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

It is not uncommon and to my knowledge, still acceptable, to date multiple partners at the same time in an effort to find the most desirable individual.

It is? Hmm....you must be acquainted with people that I have never come into contact with then; because the people I know in real life would never find this acceptable in the casual way that you have mentioned it. The same goes for those in the so called lifestyle that you speak of ( referring to those that I know in real life )

Of course, I also know couples/groups who DO see more than one person at a time. However, they do this with each others blessing.

As to the rest of what you posted; disclosure is the key. Disclosure and discussion. No half truths, no 'keeping this from a partner', no sneaking around. Lies, hiding and sneaking do nothing but destroy a relationship.

When a person is open, honest, and upfront about what they want from a relationship, what they don't want, and how they want to proceed...that's when communication flows freely. Not everyone will want to be in a relationship in which a partner is seeing and possilby fucking another; but there are those who are accepting of it.

In the end, it all comes down to finding someone who is compatible with what you want, and who is open and honest enough to accept it.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 9

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 7:06:28 AM

impishlilhellcat

Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline

I believe that there should be open and honest communication with that being said to me dating and submission are two different sides of the coin.

I'm young and single and eventually I would like to settle down do I dabble in a bit of vanilla along with my BDSM side yes, I'd like to optimize myself for the best possible partner. IF I'm dating I tend to go on several dates if the prospects are there. If I'm not committed to someone and it's a getting to know you stage I don't quite see the problem with getting to know as many people as possible and just because I'm dating these people doesn't mean that I'm sleeping with these people. (that's a whole different issue).

If I'm submissive to someone I'm only submissive to one person that person that I have developed a very meaningful relationship. Yes I've had play partners before, but that really doesn't much work for me. Submission requires a whole different level of commitment, trust, and bonding that you just can't turn on and off as you move from person to person. If a Dominant and I are still in the getting to know each other stage I think it's okay to still converse and get to know others until the two of you mutually agree to take things to another level as long as both sides are honest about their intentions. But that's just simply how I view the situation.

_____________________________

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book - Unknown

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 10

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 7:26:26 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

i make no assumptions and i find this alleviates stress and unnecessary bs for me. how the other person handles virtual connections is their choice. my common sense tells me that if we've become acquainted on an adult site that features personal ads, it is probable that i'm not the only person he is communicating with. the extensiveness of the dialogue or whether communication is limited to introductory messages is unknown and can never be verified unless i'm sitting beside him.

i also know people will blow a big gust of air up your ass if you let them. which basically means i pay little attention to those that like to give the impression they're super swamped or extremely flooded with messages. does it happen? yes. is it a consistent occurrence on here? unlikely. furthermore, that flood doesn't imply that any of the people writing would be worthy of a response. it could be nothing more than gnat like numb skulls with too much time on their hands. i suppose promoting this is important for those lacking self-esteem or for whom dating real time offers many challenges. this is when the virtual world becomes their playground. you could truthfully be the only one but they'd never admit such.

i employ the same methods virtually as i do real time. if someone wishes to see a situation move forward and prefers to focus on my company alone, it would be openly discussed, never assumed. until we have collectively decided to commit ourselves to discovering if the connection can blossom into something more, i'm unwilling to assume that is what he wants at all. i'm not miss cleo and i have little time to play the mind reading game. adults communicate and the exchange of a few messages doesn't imply that we're dating. nor am i willing to make a firm commitment with anyone i have not met face to face.

the only time i think disclosures are warranted is where play partners come in. particularly if we've discussed meeting and possible intimacy. then you should be upfront and let the other person know that she's not your one and only. regardless of what society deems as acceptable, you will always have those that keep these things to themselves, some that mislead, and others that feel obligated to disclose. honesty is not absolute and its interpretation varies widely with most.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 11

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 8:00:55 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

Before Sir & I actually decided to be a couple, I did go on a couple coffee dates with other Doms, which included NO sex of course. But I was 100% honest about it and told each of Them that I had promised to meet each one of Them in person, so I would not back out as that would be rude. Once the meetings were over, then Sir & I became a couple. I am so glad that all that meeting of multiple people is over. Whew! If that makes me a bad person according to some, well I guess I am then.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 12

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 9:33:23 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

Yes, people do "date around" in bdsm. No nobody is required to tell any one they are "dating around" but it'd be the responsible thing to do so in my opinion unless there's a previous understanding that it's a don't want to know don't tell situation. How the guys in question should act depends all on the men involved, there's no one required reaction for all men.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

It is not uncommon and to my knowledge, still acceptable, to date multiple partners at the same time in an effort to find the most desirable individual. Does this practice extend to the lifestyle as well? Understand that while the original couple would hope that a more intensive D/s relationship develops, there has not been any agreed upon exclusivity aspect added to any of the following relationship situations

If “Sub A” is dating “Master A” and then “Master B” and even “Master C” enters the picture is “Sub A”
Required to tell the Masters about one another?
Should “Sub A” tell, or is that considered in poor taste?
How “should” the Masters feel and respond to this

And to be fair

If “Master D” is dating “Sub E” and even “Sub F” enters the picture
Is “Master D”
Required to tell the Subs about one another?
Should “Master D” tell or is that considered in poor taste
How “should” the Submissives feel and respond to this

And to be fair

If “Switch K” is dating “Switch L” and even “Switch M” enters the picture
Is “Switch K”
Required to tell the Switches about one another?
Should “Switch K” tell or is that considered in poor taste
How “should” the other Switches feel and respond to this

And then the question says, that while we should respond and act in a certain manner, Do we? How realistically might we act and respond?

Thank you all who respond

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 13

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 9:51:49 AM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

I'd like to know of another potential partners the man I am with is considering. Especially for the fact we are Polyfidelitous, to me it could almost be tantamount to cheating if he did not tell me about them, and already had an emotional connection with them.

But then again, I would do the same for him, if I found another potential partner.

All for one and one for all around here

< Message edited by Sunnyfey -- 9/13/2009 9:52:25 AM >

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Post #: 14

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 10:35:59 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I figure I can be with as many woman as I like as long as the clothes stay on. If I have a commitment to one, then it's out in the open. Any women that care to be with me still on a just-friends basis, can. If they don't, that's okay.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 15

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 11:12:03 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Basically I feel that if your dating styles are that very different, it is an important a flag of noncompatibility as anything else. It means we don't think along the same lines and will probably run into several other instances where we assume the other person will feel or think the same as we do in any given situations.

Iif one person thinks it is unethical not to mention they're dating three others and you don't, it's a sign you don't have compatible ethics in many arenas.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 16

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 11:18:17 AM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

What a great thread.

I believe there is an iffy area between "just dating" and a full blown commitment. I call this "exploring the possibility of a relationship."

For me, that doesn't happen unless or until we have a face to face meet.

Whether I would talk to other potential people during this period would depend on how far along we are. You see, I am a firm believer in reciprocal levels of commitment. Which mean if the dom I'm exploring with is talking to other subs, you can be assured I will be talking to other doms. I'm very open and out front about this. I also assume a dom is still talking to other subs unless he specifically initiates a conversation about his desire to take things to a more committed level.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

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Post #: 17

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 11:31:52 AM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

I was really hoping this was about a dance planned before a collaring ceremony....I was like "I wanna go!!! Give me an excuse to dress up pretty and nag NZ into dancing with me"

Ah well. Still a good post :)

< Message edited by Sunnyfey -- 9/13/2009 11:32:06 AM >

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Post #: 18

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 12:24:25 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

Wellllll if it were me, we would be formally dressed up to the nines and take a horse drawn carriage to a ball room in Vienna and spend the first part of the evening dancing those beautiful Viennese waltzes then home in the carriage and after a change of clobber, we spend a good part of the night down and dirty with not to many clothes on in the most seductive, exotic, sensual dirty dancing possible until hot, sweaty and horny bodies fell coupling on a bear skin rug by a roaring log fire. I imagine they still have those horse drawn carriages to take one to the Grand waltzes in Vienna, they did last time I went.. Just a thought any way.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 19

RE: Pre commitment dance - 9/13/2009 1:26:26 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

I think it is morally ethical to tell everyone I'm dating that I'm dating multiple people. The only other questions I feel obligated to answer are those that directly affect the person asking, such as who I do and don't use condoms with and why, etc. etc. WHO the people are is shared at my discretion.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 20

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