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Advice needed! Please help! - 9/13/2009 12:45:20 PM

naughtyfsubuk

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/14/2009
Status: offline

Hi,

I need some advice.. i've been in a relationship with this man for a couple of months. I can't work out if there is a Dom side to him or not. He will fuck me hard, punish me using orgasm denial and teasing me, he will play with me in public and talk dirty to me, calling me his slut etc. However, one night in bed before we fell asleep i mentioned about him using handcuffs on me. The next day he said he didn't sleep well because he was worried about the handcuffs and asked if it would be the end of my world if he didn't use handcuffs on me. Because of his other behaviour I wonder if there is a Dom side to him that he is scared to let come out, and if so what can I do to make it come out?

Already we have been through alot together. I lost my job a few weeks after being with him, i had to tell him about a medical problem that reoccurred which is ongoing, my landlady evicted me and my grandad died a couple of weeks ago. He has been so supportive and caring throughout all of this, he helped me find somewhere new to live, he is helping me move this week, and he was with me when I got the call to say my grandfather had passed away. He just held me while I cried my eyes out, he cancelled a prior engagement the next day to spend the evening with me. I really, really care about him and I don't know what to do. I am afraid of talking about it in case he really does freak out and split up with me because in every other respect he is so great.

Advice is very gratefully recieved,

Thankyou.

Post #: 1

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/13/2009 12:47:19 PM

Rule

Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline

handcuffs = dom?

I do not think so.

(in reply to naughtyfsubuk)

Post #: 2

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/13/2009 12:54:47 PM

Wantstocontrolu

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline

Nope sounds like he is just a good fuck...

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Post #: 3

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/13/2009 12:57:59 PM

Kirata

Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtyfsubuk

He has been so supportive and caring throughout all of this, he helped me find somewhere new to live, he is helping me move this week, and he was with me when I got the call to say my grandfather had passed away. He just held me while I cried my eyes out, he cancelled a prior engagement the next day to spend the evening with me. I really, really care about him and I don't know what to do. I am afraid of talking about it in case he really does freak out and split up with me because in every other respect he is so great.

Jeeez, do you just have to have every damn thing your way? You're considering risking your relationship with a man you say you "really really" care about, and who obviously cares the world for you too, over freaking handcuffs?? He's made it clear they're not his cup of tea. Oh horrors! May I suggest that you consider the matter decided, at least for the time being, and start being submissive before you end up being sorry.

K.

(in reply to naughtyfsubuk)

Post #: 4

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/13/2009 1:01:23 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

It sounds like you have a great... and I mean GREAT guy who is a bit kinky. I personally value a man who has supported you as this man has, more than anything else in the world. Talk to him after thinking hard about what you can or cannot live without. I think I would forgo the handcuffs for such a man, they are a hard find.

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(in reply to Wantstocontrolu)

Post #: 5

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/13/2009 1:11:01 PM

Sunnyfey

Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline

Whats a pair of hand cuffs against a blissful relationship?

Honestly even as a submissive, I've been in a male lead VANILLA relationship and was pretty damn happy. Why are TOYS such a big deal? Why do you need all the glitz and glitter? I'd trade my entire toy bag to know that I'm in a happy, loving relationship. (which I am btw...just sayin) Why do you have to give him the Dom title? Why do you need the sub title? Its just that, a TITLE.

Be his kinky girlfriend and be happy, some people would give everything to have what you have.

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(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 6

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/13/2009 1:33:52 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

You could try asking him why handcuffs bother him so much?

Often times, we dislike certain activities because of what we *think* they are. When I initially heard what was involved with caning, I thought "no way in hell would I enjoy doing that!" Now it's one of my favorite activities.

Stephan

_____________________________

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(in reply to Sunnyfey)

Post #: 7

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/14/2009 8:37:14 AM

Chimortis

Posts: 39
Joined: 8/29/2009
From: Morgantown, WV
Status: offline

This guy sounds pretty cool. Hang on to him.

It's impossible for me to venture a guess as to whether he's Dominant or not based on the information provided, however, he definitely sounds like he has some kinks that you both enjoy. That's a good thing! Have you asked why he was not into the cuffs idea? That seems to be something you really enjoy. Try to find out why he didn't like the idea, and report his response back here for further analysis.

Another suggestion would be to introduce him to the BDSM community. If he is interested, he could perhaps develop more experience and knowledge to play safely in a greater variety of ways.

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 8

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/14/2009 2:30:45 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtyfsubuk

Hi,

I need some advice.. i've been in a relationship with this man for a couple of months. I can't work out if there is a Dom side to him or not. He will fuck me hard, punish me using orgasm denial and teasing me, he will play with me in public and talk dirty to me, calling me his slut etc. However, one night in bed before we fell asleep i mentioned about him using handcuffs on me. The next day he said he didn't sleep well because he was worried about the handcuffs and asked if it would be the end of my world if he didn't use handcuffs on me. Because of his other behaviour I wonder if there is a Dom side to him that he is scared to let come out, and if so what can I do to make it come out?

Already we have been through alot together. I lost my job a few weeks after being with him, i had to tell him about a medical problem that reoccurred which is ongoing, my landlady evicted me and my grandad died a couple of weeks ago. He has been so supportive and caring throughout all of this, he helped me find somewhere new to live, he is helping me move this week, and he was with me when I got the call to say my grandfather had passed away. He just held me while I cried my eyes out, he cancelled a prior engagement the next day to spend the evening with me. I really, really care about him and I don't know what to do. I am afraid of talking about it in case he really does freak out and split up with me because in every other respect he is so great.

Advice is very gratefully recieved,

Thankyou.

Being bound at night one needs to consider saftey issues. What would one do the holder of the key was stricken with a heart attack or you suddenly becme ill? Or what if there were to suddenly be a fire, I can see his reluctance. There are other ways to achieve the same effect

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to naughtyfsubuk)

Post #: 9

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/14/2009 3:00:21 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline

Sounds tome like he is kinky...go with it. As Stephann pointed out, none of us sprung into this world fully kinky...we grew into what we are over time. He likes some aspects of kink, and he may well like others as he grows and learns. As other people have suggested, talk to him about his dislike of cuffs, and why you like them. rent movies with a kinky edge to them (not necessarily porn, but films with a kinky theme).
Buy a book of Anais Nin erotica (there's a lot of kinky stuff in there) and read it together, then buy progressively kinkier books. Maybe rent the old Story of O film...you know stuff like that,to get him thinking along the lines you are hoping for.

Other than that, well you say you are a submissive, so be one....submit to his desires, do not try to make him submit to yours. Just enjoy the kinkiness you have. In my experience kink is like a drug...once you start you want more...he will want to start experimenting with other things as time goes along, just be willing to happily go along with any of his suggestions.

< Message edited by Arpig -- 9/14/2009 3:01:50 PM >

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(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 10

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/14/2009 6:57:09 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

lol metal or leather cuff?

(in reply to Arpig)

Post #: 11

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/14/2009 11:43:11 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

OP said: Because of his other behaviour I wonder if there is a Dom side to him that he is scared to let come out, and if so what can I do to make it come out?

Could be a number of reasons he is not ready to tie your little ass up, I mean your extremeties

Give him time. Don't assume he is not into it if you have not discussed it.

(in reply to naughtyfsubuk)

Post #: 12

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/14/2009 11:50:56 PM

LadySweetOrSour

Posts: 1415
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline

I don't get it, he won't use handcuffs so he's got a dom side that won't come out? Am I reading right?

Anyway, he sounds pretty domly without the bells and whistles, he cares about you, makes you happy. Who gives a rats ass about cuffs if you have all that?

As said, if you are a sub, learn to love what he does give you, instead of wanting little things that he doesn't give you. Accept him for all the kinky stuff he DOES do and let him come to the cuffs if he wants to. If he didn't sleep all night at the thoughts of using cuffs, I'd shelve the idea and be happy.

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 13

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/15/2009 2:18:57 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

i havent read it, but ive had excerpts read out to me, its called 'The Loving Dominant', maybe someone else has read it and can comment as to whether that would be a good book for you to read at this point.

theres a whole other side to Doms that is so much more important, the supportive, protective, loving, caring side, sounds like he has that in spadefulls.

if you check out some of the internet 'shops' that sell kinky stuff, again i dont have a link in my head and maybe someone might have a good one up their sleeve, but if you go there youll see all sorts of handcuffs. there are some lovely leather ones that dont have to be linked together they can just be worn as sort of chunky bracelets, sort of. i dont know, its just an idea, but they feel lovely and they smell delicious and theyre really fun. if you were to buy a pair for youreself and show them to him, wear them without connecting them together, just say you saw them and liked them and wanted them but otherwise didnt make a big thing of it, maybe he'll get around to experimenting with them. theyre not spooky things atall, really cute. its just an idea and a bit manipulative i know, but if its REALLY that important to you, its possibly a route to go sometime in the future.

in the meantime, hang on to this guy, he sounds wonderful and if he's still finding his way and testing these feelings out then let him get there at his own speed.

like others have said, very few of us have leapt into this full on, most of us have taken our time embracing the things we love to do today - but thats the great thing about all of this, the list of activities is endless and the variations on those things are endless and theyres no rush, no hurry its not a race to do it all today.

he sounds a wonderful guy, dont worry, sounds like the really important stuff is already there. the icing on the cake takes time to decorate with all those sprinkly, yummy fun bits.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to LadySweetOrSour)

Post #: 14

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/15/2009 3:50:04 AM

dvart

Posts: 110
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

I notice that your profile says

"I am not looking for now, unless you want to try and change my mind!"

If you want to develop a serious relationship with guy then how about changing it ? He can read it as well as us !

In my World I am the dominant, you have the right to ask but it is me that decides.

It is a strange world in which my submissive decides how I am going to dominate her.

I think you are lucky to have found this guy - submit and enjoy !

Simples.

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 15

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/15/2009 4:20:37 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvart
.
Simples.

- i say that too! - meerkats rule!!

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to dvart)

Post #: 16

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/15/2009 4:52:49 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Handcuffs don't do it for him. Perhaps tying your wrists to the bedpost with scarves might.

Nobody leaps out, still in diapers, and starts wielding a flogger. And most people don't start with handcuffs or other bought toys. They start with light spankings, then tying with a scarf.

But more importantly you need to sit down and talk to him. Tell him everything about him that you find wonderful. And then tell him that you do also get off on restrainsts/pain play/ being told what to do/etc. And ask if he's drawn to any of this.

And if he tries any of it, and is willing to keep on trying it, don't tell him he doesn't hit hard enough or doesn't do it the way a 'real' dominant would. Be grateful, be thankful and most importantly tell and show him that it turns you on. Tell him you can't stop thinking about the time he shoved you down, growled in your ear and fucked you senseless. And then ask, ask not tell, could he please do it again. And in about six months, if he's drawn to this, everything will be great.

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Post #: 17

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/15/2009 5:42:34 AM

lovingpet

Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: naughtyfsubuk

i've been in a relationship with this man for a couple of months.

There's the crux of it as far as I see it. There is a whole lot to know about each other even without the kink, so it stands to reason you may be unsure about many things with regard to him and he you. Does he have a dom side? Possibly and it is time that will tell it.

He has a lot to learn about you as well. Perhaps he is not interested in placing you in any form of bondage until he is more familiar with you and your body. The reason for this would be that he starts losing cues that help him determine how you are doing. In other words, it is your safety he may be after. After over a year, I just got cuffed for the first time by my partner a month or so ago. Restraints, blindfolds, and gags all restrict means that a submissive uses, even passively, to communicate. I am a big fan of all of these, but I am hesitant to involve any of them early on for this very reason.

So you have a man that has been an anchor for you through a great number of things in this short time you've been together. You have a man who has held you as you cried. He has helped you move. He communicates and listens to you. He has spicy flecks of kink which you love. He just chose not to use handcuffs at this time. Seems an awful lot to give up over some steel or leather. Besides, maybe he just happens to be a rope guy. Would that be so terrible? Perhaps he keeps you in place with a mere word or his bare hands. Is that the end of the world and unacceptable?

Maybe, just maybe, it is time to stop and consider that there is just so much more than kink to a relationship. Honor all that he has offered so far and accept his decision in this and see where it goes. Did you ever think that the best means of opening up his dominance is your own submission? Even though his ways may not all make sense to you, can you really say that he has acted outside of what he hoped would be the best for you? Then put aside your pride and your wish list and just submit. Submit to not being tied up. Let him explore you in all your complexity. Take the time to do the same with him. You may find that the cuffs grip tighter to your heart and mind than they ever would have your wrists.

lovingpet

(in reply to naughtyfsubuk)

Post #: 18

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/15/2009 10:59:00 AM

lilivontramp

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline

Your guy sounds great to me; supportive, a good lay, cares about you a lot. Forget about the handcuffs. He doesn't seem to be into them at all. So find out what he is into.

(in reply to naughtyfsubuk)

Post #: 19

RE: Advice needed! Please help! - 9/15/2009 9:03:13 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~
This guy sounds like a fantastic guy.....a winner. Are the cuffs all that important to you? Maybe tying you w/ scarves or just rope might be okay. If you're submissive, I'd say submit to how he wants to Dominate. And if he's new at it, maybe the cuffs will come in time, maybe not. Maybe he's just not comfy with them yet.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to lilivontramp)

Post #: 20

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