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SthrnCom4t -> RE: Married Men Seeking Assertive discreet play (9/15/2009 5:37:01 PM)
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I discovered I was kinky 10 years into a marital relationship. It was the most tumultuous year of my life as I struggled with discovering a part of myself and finding a name for it. My husband was vanilla, there was no way around it. I tried talking with him, and he was having no part of it. He thought I was being brain-washed by an Internet cult. I knew it wasn't for him. I made excuses for myself, and I rationalized why I was right in doing what I was doing. I cheated. It wasn't enough. After a year it completely ended our relationship, because even as I hated hurting him and compromising my integrity, this was something I had to have.
It is not wrong to be kinky and have these desires. It is wrong to lie and betray a trust.
In very basic terms you have a few choices. Some of them are much harder because they include being true to yourself and having integrity, when the *easier* course of action gets you close to what you want, without being honest with your significant other.
A) You can be true to yourself and your wife. This is hard. You don't want to hurt her and you don't want to be rejected by her. You have desires, but they don't fit within the boundaries of your marital relationship as it currently stands. In order to evolve it to a place where you could get your needs met, and her not feel betrayed, you would both have to be willing to go slow, and evolve in the same direction. She might not ever be kinky, but could she be willing to learn about it enough that certain *play with limits* would not make her feel inadequate or threatened? Yes, this route is FUCKING HARD! But in the end, if you can guide your marriage down this path, it will be much stronger than the average and will in itself be a tremendously bonding experience.
B) You can stuff your desires. This works for *a while* before the top of your head blows off. It's a denial of some of your core attributes, whether you are seeking a sexual thrill, a masochistic thrill, or the satisfaction from submission.
C) You can cheat. She may find out, she may not. Beware of what you awaken inside yourself. If you find you like this A LOT, you start down a path of obcession and desire, and pretty soon you are the guy who wandered off the trail and you find yourself stranded out on a penisula, with very dire circumstances on all sides except one, and that path SUCKS in a big way. It destroys not only your marital relationship, but affects your work, your friends, your kids, your parents, etc. Every aspect of your life will be impacted emotionally, financially, energetically - think nuclear explosion. In the end, many people find themselves in just such a place, as we tend to *think we have it under control* and want to avoid the difficulty of direct confrontation.
I will tell you what I have told many people in your shoes. Even if you know your wife *doesn't* get it. It's still her choice, HER CHOICE, if you are honest and upfront in negotiating. You can have spanking and submission without traditional sex. You and your wife have the opportunity to redefine your relationship. She may feel like you are trying to change the rules on her. That what she *bought* is not now what she has. Some people are in a place where they can evolve, some can't. Sometimes it's something like this that forces change. If you have not yet betrayed her, you can present this as your path of evolution, and convince her of her importance, and move forward together. IT'S HARD! She might not be willing. BUT YOU OWE HER to allow her the choice of whether to join you, or not. If you cheat, you take that away from her, and you betray. BETRAYAL hurts for a lifetime and if you care about her at all, this is NOT something you want to do.
You are welcome to email me privately.
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