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Tactful - 9/16/2009 5:44:17 PM

RavenMuse

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Now many folks who know Me would probably claim that I am about as tactful as a thrown brick... and in certain circumstances they would be right. However there is on particular area where even someone as blunt as Me has to be 'tactful'.... it is as irritating as hell but it IS there.

When You know something the other doesn't know BUT You know full well that if You say anything then Your motives for doing so will be completely misread. It is a very frustrating position, especially for a Dominant type, when You know the information You have could save someone You like and/or care about from getting hurt BUT You know that in telling the information, it won't be believed, Your motives would be questioned and, worse of all, they would blunder on regardless and still get hurt only when what You know is going to happen does happen they will feel even more guilty for having not believed You and questioned Your motives/integrity. So You grit Your teeth and do the 'tactful' thing, shut up and don't broach the subject... waiting for the bomb to drop!

This past year has been bad for it...

Finding out that the supposed Dom a young lady You care about is getting involved with is actually a serial cheat.... the assumption would be that You wanted her back when there is no way that is on the cards

Realising the new girl a Friend is introducing You too is someone who has misrepresented herself in significant areas. You are distant enough that it would be assumed You don't know the facts, but You do.

Realising an acquaintances new third is an ex who you got the hell away from when You found her to be a habitual liar and manipulator. The assumption would be that You have an axe to grind, but whilst You dislike the person You wouldn't lower Yourself to their level. Only giving your opinion if and when directly asked.

Finding out that a young lady just entering the lifestyle is with someone who's actions raise all manner of red flags that her newness makes her colourblind too. But there is a spark and the assumption would be that you where trying to wreck that relationship to step in, something You would never do (The wrecking that is)

So You keep quiet, no matter how much it niggles and bugs the hell out of You....

Anyone any similar tails of having to be tactful for such reasons?

< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 9/16/2009 5:45:43 PM >

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RE: Tactful - 9/16/2009 6:29:26 PM

leadership527

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Sometimes you just have to sit back and watch the train wreck. Sometimes, the only thing we can do for those we care about is to be there to sweep up the pieces afterwards. And yeah, that sucks.

But really, unless it's someone I actually care about, then I'm perfectly fine with shaking my head and walking away. For instance, your "young lady entering the lifestyle" one... none of my business. It's not my job to protect every fool out there looking to get burned. I like to help when I legitimately can, but it doesn't break my heart that way more often than not, there's nothing I can or should do.

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RE: Tactful - 9/16/2009 6:33:35 PM

lusciouslips19

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You could mention that you know the person from before and share a common history and say nothing else. Then if you are prodded for more tell them the truth but not before you are asked to divulge.

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RE: Tactful - 9/16/2009 6:48:36 PM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19

You could mention that you know the person from before and share a common history and say nothing else. Then if you are prodded for more tell them the truth but not before you are asked to divulge.

In the third situation that is what I did... Only giving My opinion IF directly asked.... in the other three, I didn't even feel I could do that as those assumptions would have been there in ANY way I could have divulged the info... and even in that situation the info was ignored and ..... train wreck... boom!

I didn't post looking for solutions... frankly I don't believe there are any. Just one of those inevitable's We all face from time to time where regardless of our actions the bomb ain't going to stop ticking till it blows, the only thing We don't know is what number is on the timer. Just thought some folks might like to share (At least in abstract) as a change from bashing Their heads against a brick wall... I know I've got a damn headache!

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Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: Tactful - 9/16/2009 8:22:53 PM

SailingBum

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Yea keep your mouth shut. It is none of your biz! Freaking busy bodies! If she is over 18 I am sure she can look out for herself. Sometimes life is about learning HARD lessons.

Motown BadOne

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RE: Tactful - 9/16/2009 8:36:25 PM

Rule

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RE: Tactful - 9/16/2009 10:06:22 PM

DemonKia

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Yep, it's one of the tougher parts of being a parent, too. Having to let them fuck up on their own so they can learn those tough lessons, cuz no amount of lecturing, meddling, et al, is gonna do a better job than the school of experience . . . . . . Yep. It's hard to do. Frequently, now that the offspring are adults, I just try not to think about it . . . . .

Different authority structure but analogous, hope it helps . . . . .

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 2:11:42 AM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Yea keep your mouth shut. It is none of your biz! Freaking busy bodies! If she is over 18 I am sure she can look out for herself. Sometimes life is about learning HARD lessons.

I am sure that is exactly the attitude the cheats and predators have too, wouldn't want anyone spoiling their fun would We now. There are enough HARD lessons out there without turning a blind eye if We could help someone We care about avoid walking into a car crash.

< Message edited by RavenMuse -- 9/17/2009 2:12:22 AM >

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This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 2:33:03 AM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonKia

Yep, it's one of the tougher parts of being a parent, too. Having to let them fuck up on their own so they can learn those tough lessons, cuz no amount of lecturing, meddling, et al, is gonna do a better job than the school of experience . . . . . . Yep. It's hard to do. Frequently, now that the offspring are adults, I just try not to think about it . . . . .

Different authority structure but analogous, hope it helps . . . . .

It is absolutely analogous.... that hands tied feeling is a bitch. You know the pain they are about to walk into but know you can't stop it happening.

Some 'lessons' make you wince but they need learning.... the hardest one is where the only lesson they are going to get is a reminder that there are some absolute twats out there.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 2:44:21 AM

Aileen1968

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You shouldn't assume that the bad qualities you experienced with these people will be bad qualities that others will experience.
You shouldn't involve yourself in other's personal relationships for this reason.

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 3:16:45 AM

RavenMuse

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Of course I can assume... leopards don't change their spots... the car crash ALWAYS arrives, it is simply a question of WHEN.

However, If you actually READ it is about there being no point in acting on the knowledge and the frustration of not being able to help them avoid it, not about advocating 'involving' Yourself!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 3:21:18 AM

Aileen1968

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I did READ what you wrote. You're itchy to involve yourself in other grown adult relationships and frustrated because it would be inappropriate.
New advice. Learn to deal with frustration. You are not their dominant figure.

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 3:25:49 AM

daintydimples

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Yes, I have a few such tales myself. I do not, however, interfere or even offer my opinion unless asked.

I've learned something which is you can't save people from themselves. People make horrendous relationship mistakes (I have!). Unfortunately, mistakes are how you learn not to do that again, to pay more attention, etc.

Sometimes all you can do is to be there when it all goes bad.

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 3:39:41 AM

littlewonder

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I allow people to make their own decisions, mistakes, etc...I would want others to do the same for/to me. I'm a grown adult and quite capable of taking care of my own life. Most adults for the most part know when someone is cheating on them, when something is wrong...they are just usually in self denial. You're reminding them will only cause them to be angry at you.

Imo..stay out of their lives. They're adults.

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 4:14:50 AM

Kalista07

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Interesting topic Raven..... What works for me is that unless my opinion is asked for i don't even think about offering it and then once it is asked for i'll ask the person if they are sure they want to know what i really think.....Because once they've asked....and i've double checked.... then i believe they've given me permission to walk through that door and be truthful.. Anything less than that is me being controlling.

Last night after i read this and was trying to go to sleep, something bothered me about this topic............ i think the thing that bothered me was what if i was the person who was about ready to crash (figuratively) into the telephone pole? i would be hurt and feel somewhat betrayed if i knew someone whom i considered a friend saw this coming and didn't say anything coming.
Kali

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 4:30:03 AM

RavenMuse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

i think the thing that bothered me was what if i was the person who was about ready to crash (figuratively) into the telephone pole? i would be hurt and feel somewhat betrayed if i knew someone whom i considered a friend saw this coming and didn't say anything coming.

That's one of the most frustrating parts... a case of damned if You do, Damned if You don't... Easier if asked, because those who know Me know that if the answer is prefixed with "Are you SURE you want Me to answer that" then it isn't going to be something they are going to want but maybe something they need to hear. That usually occurs when it isn't a relationship issue

Unfortunately, those catching the express to trainwreck city, those heading for a bad relationship choice.... that never comes up and You end up helping to pick up the pieces yet again afterwards.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Kalista07)

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 4:54:30 AM

IronBear

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I understand where Raven is coming from. Been there a few too many times myself and yes I do know that itch and frustration of not being able to reach out and try to warn the person walking blithely into a danger area. I remember those times too when I have walked almost blindly into danger areas, emotionally, psychologically and physically and because of gut instinct, kept on walking right through and out the other side sometimes without a scratch. I have learned and grown for those experiences and in retrospect, I would not have done anything different and am thankful for the experiences. When I need to scratch such an itch Raven mentions, I simply take an objective and non emotional stance and dissect the situation impartially and coldly. Works for me to spend a little time calculating what may happen and how I would handle the person if they came to me after for help.

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 4:58:52 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Yea keep your mouth shut. It is none of your biz! Freaking busy bodies! If she is over 18 I am sure she can look out for herself. Sometimes life is about learning HARD lessons.

I am sure that is exactly the attitude the cheats and predators have too, wouldn't want anyone spoiling their fun would We now. There are enough HARD lessons out there without turning a blind eye if We could help someone We care about avoid walking into a car crash.

Master Raven, I am sorry but I have to agree with what sailingbum said.. In cases like this, it is best to keep your mouth shut. And I think, even you know that.

A person has to live their own life; and living that life means making their own mistakes and learning from them. It's how we grow as individuals.

I know things about people that in the past could have saved others a lot of heartache; in the end though, giving unwanted/unwaranted 'advice' does more damage than good.

You just have to step back, let them learn; and be there for them when they need you be.

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 9/17/2009 4:59:22 AM >

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 5:07:21 AM

RavenMuse

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What would help is...

Keep mouth shut...

Watch the inevitable train wreck happen....

Take 6" of 2x4 and apply vigorously around the predator types head...

Feel lots better in the knowledge he can't hurt anyone else whilst he is in intensive care...

Pity there is laws against it, but it is a calming thought!

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to IrishMist)

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RE: Tactful - 9/17/2009 5:08:58 AM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

What would help is...

Keep mouth shut...

Watch the inevitable train wreck happen....

Take 6" of 2x4 and apply vigorously around the predator types head...
Feel lots better in the knowledge he can't hurt anyone else whilst he is in intensive care...

Pity there is laws against it, but it is a calming thought!

NOW you are talking

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

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