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RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/18/2009 12:43:30 AM   
SassyBird


Posts: 48
Joined: 8/16/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FeedingMyNeed

Approximately a week later, He shows me an email from the stepdaughter's friend which says in part..."I had a great time and I am looking to come down again soon so we can play again." So, i ask Him if and how He "played" with her. He says, "I won't lie to you, I manipulated her to orgasm in the hotel pool and then she gave me a blowjob on the balcony."

What do i do?

quote:

ORIGINAL: FeedingMyNeed
It's been stated more times than not that He will play with who He wants BUT in the same sentence, He's not looking to play with anyone else. He tells me that He did not go out with the intention of that happening but it did. i think, and i told Him this, that if i'd known there was a possibility of that happening, i would have handled it better.


Ok, so he's given himself an out that he's "allowed" to play with others. And made a point of saying "I won't lie to you". But that's what he did, for a full week.

So while others might feel its more important with the fact that its a semi-open relationship, I really have more issues with the lying by omission bit.
If you had not seen the email and been alert he would have kept lying by omission until he was found out.

< Message edited by SassyBird -- 9/18/2009 12:44:21 AM >

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/18/2009 1:48:06 AM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FeedingMyNeed

Okay, i am admittedly relatively new to the lifestyle but have been living with my Master for going on 8 months.

i've had some trouble adjusting and trusting Him enough to hand over control of my life, my mind, and my heart but i've been making progress.

So, here's the scenerio....

His father's stepdaughter and her friend come down to the Keys for a short vacation (they are both in their 30's) and my Master shows them around some of the bars and such (yes, i was asked if i wanted to go but i was sick). He doesn't come home that night and doesn't call. i waited up for Him, finally falling asleep around 5 am. He comes in about 7:30 and comes straight to bed, doesn't want to talk much because He is hungover....okay, i am upset but i get over it.

Approximately a week later, He shows me an email from the stepdaughter's friend which says in part..."I had a great time and I am looking to come down again soon so we can play again." So, i ask Him if and how He "played" with her. He says, "I won't lie to you, I manipulated her to orgasm in the hotel pool and then she gave me a blowjob on the balcony."

i was very upset. i didn't hide it, couldn't hide it. i feel betrayed, hurt, jealous, insecure, and angry now and i'm having trouble getting past it. i don't really have anyone to talk to about my chosen lifestyle and even though i talk to Him about it, i still can't get past it.

What do i do?



Greetings FeedingMyNeed:

Since I do not engage in assumptions I will directly ask:

Do you know that you are worthy of relating with a man who shares in a mutually defined meaning of trust?

I ask only because I do not know you and even if I did I would ask as you have your answers. Trust what you know and hopefully this will assure you that you do not need to rely on what you “feel” yet more so on what YOU know and “think” to be the best for you.

The "affairs of the heart" require an effective balance of rational reasoning and not only emotional reacting, else worse happens when these sort of issues occur and are altogether avoided. Indeed usually even worse than you could imagine is "just behind the next alluring unopened door" or even worse the "cute lil cookie jar full of intoxicating goodies" awaits the next "tasting." Let your NO be NO and your YES be YES!

Be wise woman. THINK it through.

Be Safe!

I wish you well,
~Zevar~

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/18/2009 12:54:57 PM   
FeedingMyNeed


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/13/2008
Status: offline 		Somewhere amongst all of these posts, someone added the "if it falls into His lap" quote. This quote did not come from me. Just making a clarification.

Now as to those of you asking where/when i take responsibility....well, i have taken responsibility for my part of it. i did not in any way post this to make him out to look like the bad guy. i was sincerely looking for different views to help me sort this out. i try to not make my decisions based on my emotions because i've made huge mistakes that way in the past.

Again, i do appreciate all of your responses, they have helped me look at the situation AND look at myself differently.

Thank Y/you.

(in reply to FawneTwo)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/18/2009 9:27:23 PM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		FeedingMyNeed wrote
i was very upset. i didn't hide it, couldn't hide it. i feel betrayed, hurt, jealous, insecure, and angry now and i'm having trouble getting past it. i don't really have anyone to talk to about my chosen lifestyle and even though i talk to Him about it, i still can't get past it.


Why do you have to make this cheating deception about your "chosen lifestyle."  It'a about a man who got his and didn't care about you in the process.
I'd feel the same way.  I wouldn't get past it...I'd leave.

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 2:48:39 AM   
FeedingMyNeed


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/13/2008
Status: offline 		Well said. Point taken.


(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 8:10:18 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I have to disagree with RealSub   - he "didn't get his" - he got what he told the OP several times in the beginning that he was going to get if the opportunity presented itself. My take on this situation is that the dom in this situation isn't guilty of cheating, betrayal, or anything else along those lines  -  he is guilty of being rude!

He didn't call his sub and tell her he wasn't coming home when he knew she was sick and waiting for him. Very insensitive on his part.  Sounds like his parts got the better of his head, and then he felt guilty about it - which is why he showed his sub the email, knowing that she would ask about the friend. This dom sounds as if he couldn't figure out a way of telling the OP that he had enjoyed another without hurting her feelings, so he waited and thought the email was an indirect way.

I would say he has communication issues!

OP - are you upset because you thought he would be monogomous even though he said he wasn't wired that way, or are you worried that he will find someone better, or he will kick you to the door if he doesn't get a little strange?  Why are you upset?  Would you have felt better if he had called you that night and let you know that he wasn't going to come home, and that he may have some fun with another?

Some clarity on both sides would seem to be in order . If the OP could decide why she is so upset, maybe she could talk to the dom about the reasons - dispassionately if possible, since the dom doesn't seem really comfortable with negative emotions.

Then she has to decide if his actions and  reactions are something she can live with.

edited to add - in this situation i'd be pissed that he couldn't be bothered to call and let me know that he was going to be late getting home so i wouldn't worry.

< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 9/19/2009 8:12:22 AM >

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 8:29:14 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I would assume that anyone who presented me with the "I will play with who I want" card would eventually do it, even if he said in the same breath "but I am not looking".  For me that is an open ended truth.  It might not happen but it is not something I would want hanging over my head.
If I were to accept a man who professed that I would feel less betrayed, than foolish.

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 9:19:28 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline 		kiwi you may object all you want...... I responded to the original post...where there is NOTHING said about the fact that he could be a cheating bastard and she could not or whatever.

I remain firm on what I said...... you disagree on different ciriteria than I posted.


(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 12:18:24 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline 		Dishonesty is a deal breaker. I would have a VERY hard time submitting to a dominant who had proven to be dishonest.

I would also be concerned whether safe sex practices have been in use, how many other people have accidentally sucked his dick, and so forth. Herpes and HIV are the gifts that go on giving.  My attitude has always been, "Stray if you must. ALWAYS use protection, DO NOT EVER bring me home a STD. And if you are going to sneak around, I am not a freakin' Catholic priest, you don't get to confess to me about it later. Furthermore, be discreet! I don't want my friends, family, co-workers or acquaintances rushing over to tell me you've been boffing someone else.

You REALLY have to have complete honesty and transparency, as well as thoroughly negotiated terms. I would go so far as to write down the "rules for fucking around" in detail and having you both sign off on them.



(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 3:16:37 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		My response to Realsub is based on the OP's orginal post, as well as subsequent reponses, where she added detail - such as the fact that she went into the relationship accepting the doms assertion that he would play with others given the opportunity.

Is the dom a cheating bastard if he does what he proclaimed - and she apparently accepted - at the beginning of the relationship?

Are the subs feelings of betrayal and hurt related to the doms playing with others or his rudeness in not notifying her that he was doing so?


< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 9/19/2009 3:17:32 PM >

(in reply to Drifa)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 4:49:48 PM   
FawneTwo


Posts: 98
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FeedingMyNeed

the stepdaughter's friend which says in part..."I had a great time and I am looking to come down again soon so we can play again."

Ick. What in the world did he tell her?

quote:

So, i ask Him if and how He "played" with her. He says, "I won't lie to you, I manipulated her to orgasm in the hotel pool and then she gave me a blowjob on the balcony."


That's playing? Whatever.. i guess. I dislike the word blowjob.

anyway Did he really say manipulate? If he said manipulate and blowjob in the same sentence he is a player - in a different sense.

quote:

chosen lifestyle


I don't know if what happened has much to do with the " lifestyle " - sounds more like a regular afternoon soap

quote:

What do i do?


Stay. Try and communicate better - both of you. Define "play" and ask him to clarify relationship any "lifestyle" goals. Don't wait up for him like you are his mother - (get in bed if he is out late, lie down, even if you can't sleep). Hope he learns to show he cares - a phone call to be considerate if plans change, for example.

The visiting girls are not welcome back! ( thats my order! haha)

Good luck to you both

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 5:04:57 PM   
DePubed


Posts: 71
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline 		It doesnt matter how much he plays around outside, he still comes home to YOU.
Some women are insecure in their appearance as they age, and they thus feel scared that a man will dump them for a younger woman. In our culture, a man has to get rid of a wife in order to get a new wife; but the history of the world was the opposite: he could just keep adding on wives and still keep the ones that he already had.
Jealousy will always destroy a relationship. There is no need to be jealous. 'Eroticise' in your own headspace his outside play. Dont need to feel threatened by these other women being with him.
What is ironic to me is that we kinky people ignore & scoff at 'morals' that religion and society try to pressure us with (such as only having vanilla sex) yet we cling to some other of those morals (such as monogamy or faithfulness) which are just as much from current religion and society--all we do is to draw the line in the sand closer to where WE are comfortable.
I think you should be proud of your Man for his outside playing, whether he tells you about it or not.
All that matters is the 'now', the 'moment' when YOU are with him serving him. Past or future doesnt exist.
As a submissive it might be emotionally healthier to consider that you would WANT your Dominant to be happy, and if topping other women makes him happy, THAT should make you happy. Instead of givivng him a necktie for his birthday or for fathers' day, think of the real gift that he wants: orgasm with other women; the feeling that he has made a new conquest.
The only questions you shsould have for him are whether what he does with them sexually could bring you disease. Your own physical health is your responsibility. But I would suggest you stop acting like a jealous wife or girlfriend or you will find he can no longer get his dick hard when he thinks of you; and if that happens, then it is all over. My philosophy is not to lament about what you would like your relationship to 'be' but to accept it as it 'is'.

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 5:18:47 PM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58

FeedingMyNeed wrote
i was very upset. i didn't hide it, couldn't hide it. i feel betrayed, hurt, jealous, insecure, and angry now and i'm having trouble getting past it. i don't really have anyone to talk to about my chosen lifestyle and even though i talk to Him about it, i still can't get past it.


Why do you have to make this cheating deception about your "chosen lifestyle."  It'a about a man who got his and didn't care about you in the process.
I'd feel the same way.  I wouldn't get past it...I'd leave.


I think this issue is about her chosen lifestyle, because at its core, it's about power and control. In a vanilla relationship, a woman would just leave if treated that way or in some other way she really didn't like. In a bdsm relationship, whatever the level of power involved, it's different. The woman, if she's the submissive, factors in her decision to obey and desire to please her dominant no matter how he acts. It's a whole different ballgame than the vanilla "you cheated on me, I'm leaving you jerk!" scenario. So it gets complicated.

...

I have no idea what you shoud do or feel ultimately, FeedingMyNeed. But with all complex situations, it really helps to give them time. Wait, see how your feelings evolve, see how or if your understanding of this changes or stays the same, see what happens next and if new events alter anything. Give it time, don't act on your immediate feelings, just see what develops. :) As much as you want answers and clarity now, it won't hurt much to wait a few months (at very least) and see what clarity time, and the consideration that's only possible over time, bring you.

_____________________________

"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo

"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris

(in reply to RealSub58)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 6:33:42 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Things seem to run so much smoother when both people accept that playing around is perfectly acceptable for them.  He stated he planned to play, were I her I would have done the same.  No committment, no harm, no foul.. if I was not a monogamous type and expected the same from my partner.

Once again it comes down to compatibility.  What is acceptable, what you can tolerate, and what you will do to have a taste of what you feel you need in your life.

(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 6:37:19 PM   
sublace


Posts: 201
Status: offline 		This thread intrigues. I'm tired? Should I have gone for the marathon pub crawl I was invited to this night? nah...

I think I know why. The line between BDSM 'play' and sex comes into question. BTW, I've excepted the fact an attractive man will get sexual offers and if he is honest he can only say he wants to be mongamous because he wants it that way - BUT - somewhere sometime someday - something could happen. YES! Something like he could get drunk and blowjobs do happen ( sounds sarcastic but it's not meant to be, sorry) No, I wouldn't be thrilled, but what can I say? It would be Okay.

I think i'd be more comfortable if hypothetical Master planned to officially top someone. Someone who wanted "to experience whatever" something he's good at ( besides unpure sex, smile) and he considered it practice, his own experience.

Maybe i am selfish? greedy? Sadistic by proxy? Because i would feel a whole lot better if he simply beat ( certainly that's not accurate, apologies to any) the living heck outta em - and that's all. YEA!
If a blowjob happened, well, at least i was sadistic by proxy yeah that's it. ( and i hope that slave is really really sore) boo meany me! or Am I a fan?

sadistic by proxy hmmnnn?

(in reply to CaringandReal)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/19/2009 7:15:09 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FeedingMyNeed

It's been a bit of both actually. It's been stated more times than not that He will play with who He wants BUT in the same sentence, He's not looking to play with anyone else. He tells me that He did not go out with the intention of that happening but it did. i think, and i told Him this, that if i'd known there was a possibility of that happening, i would have handled it better.

i don't like finding out after the fact, then it's too late to do anything about it. i try to be upfront and honest, it doesn't always work but i try. i asked Him why He didn't tell me sooner and He just said i was already upset and it wasn't the right time.

i guess i just need another perspective on this because it's still eating at me.


So basically he's been telling you from the start that he reserves the right to have sex with others. So you agreed to that, by not insisting otherwise. (Anyone who truly requires monogamy would have met such statements with statements of their own, about how they truly require a monogamous relationship, and about not letting the door hit his ass on the way out, etc...)

So the problem is not so much his playing around, but what happened before and afterward. He could have and should have prepared you much better for it, for a long time beforehand, and during the course of that preparation maybe you both would have figured out that it just wasn't the right time, or that you're really just not okay with it at all... And afterward, he deceived you about it for days.

One should never put up with being deceived. It will only invite more deception.

I'd leave. The two of you appear to be incompatible in a huge way. And, he's a liar.

That will be five cents, please.

Next!

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/21/2009 5:25:18 AM   
starshineowned


Posts: 1551
Joined: 4/19/2005
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

Okay, i am admittedly relatively new to the lifestyle but have been living with my Master for going on 8 months.


I think this alone would bother me personally. The time to establish a basic foundation of what "you both" are all about seems to be missing. Only you know what you were told or led to believe, and only you know what you agreed to, and understood those things to be.

Only you can decide if this is what you agreed to 8 months ago. I can assure you that if it isn't..then the ability to ever establish a bond of trust will probably never come to pass, and leave you on the jaded side of life.

Good Luck

starshine


_____________________________

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." --Abraham Lincoln

(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/21/2009 5:52:42 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		This:

He could have and should have prepared you much better for it, for a long time beforehand, and during the course of that preparation maybe you both would have figured out that it just wasn't the right time, or that you're really just not okay with it at all... And afterward, he deceived you about it for days.

One should never put up with being deceived. It will only invite more deception.

I'd leave. The two of you appear to be incompatible in a huge way. And, he's a liar.





_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to starshineowned)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/21/2009 6:03:51 AM   
petmonkey


Posts: 1053
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FeedingMyNeed

It's been a bit of both actually. It's been stated more times than not that He will play with who He wants BUT in the same sentence, He's not looking to play with anyone else. He tells me that He did not go out with the intention of that happening but it did. i think, and i told Him this, that if i'd known there was a possibility of that happening, i would have handled it better.

i don't like finding out after the fact, then it's too late to do anything about it. i try to be upfront and honest, it doesn't always work but i try. i asked Him why He didn't tell me sooner and He just said i was already upset and it wasn't the right time.

i guess i just need another perspective on this because it's still eating at me.


If i were in a relationship where the Dom told me that there was possible body fluid exchange with an unknown party after the exchange took place, i would want to discuss health and sex practices in detail.  If the conversation did not produce a satisfactory agreement between us, i would consider the Dom to be risking my health. 


_____________________________

Be excellent to each other.


(in reply to FeedingMyNeed)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Feeling Betrayed - 9/22/2009 11:46:53 AM   
MissOllaria


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/18/2009
Status: offline 		My Master told me the same thing..." that He will play with who He wants BUT in the same sentence, He's not looking to play with anyone else. "  If your relationship is built on similar grounds that mine was...it IS his perogitive to do as He has laid out.  Does that make it right? maybe not...certainly not fair, but you were forwarned and I'm sure no one said being a slave or even a submissive was a fair deal.  I went through a similar time when I found the emails from a submissive my Master was seeing.  Did He hide them? no... did He lie about them? no...did He tell me about her? no...  I was crushed...why wasn't I good enough, what had I done wrong etc etc etc.  He told me from the start it *could* happen...it was my own misguided hope that it never would.  I had to make a choice, as do you.  Master was helpful...in trying to get me to understand that it wasn't that He was finding a replacement for me...it was that different people offer different things.  It appears your Master is a man that may need variety... you have to decide if you can live with it.  It's not easy.... it took me a long time to get over it.  I decided that He was worth it and if He needed variety so be it.  Every now and then I still feel a little bite of jealousy, but He does a good job of making sure I know I am appreciated, loved, needed, wanted and certainly not to be replaced.  That was almost 10 years ago. 

Only you know what you agreed  to vs what he said would/might happen vs what you can handle.  There are always times when we think we will react one way and turns out we react very differently.  I am glad I didn't give up 10 years ago, but it REALLY wasn't easy.  Could be the Masochist in me...had to be miserable to be happy. *s*  Good luck in your journey and I hope in 10 years, you are glad you chose whatever you choose.

(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 40
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