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Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 10:57:55 AM

LthrdWolf

Posts: 92
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

I have been on a lifetime Bdsm journey,where I was initially connecting with my Dominance, then submissive & switch for a little while,but swinging back to who I have 'Always' really been (even when I did not realize it,but even close vanilla friends did both years ago & now) & that is 'Dominant'.

That being said,I am also Good hearted (but Not a doormat) courteous most times & situations, compassionate,with a sense of humor & fun,& not always publically flaunting that I am Queen Wolf etc etc - lol.
Plus 'equally' important ...no matter What setting I am in though I -remain- 'Dominant' ...there is indeed a 'time & place' for everything.

All this being said,I find that some 'question' the 'Dominant' identity due to this.Not quiet so much the coming to terms with who one is over time (although that certainly happens too,) but rather the latter part re being Good hearted etc etc.The submissive sometimes seems to end up with the attitude (after finally really *connecting* in prvt beyond the initial introductions etc) ohhh I did not 'know' You are so Dominant! *smacks own head lightly in frustration* Then one immediately thinks,hum I wonder how many may have fallen through the cracks -missed opportunities wise- due to this ...& the answer comes back - No Matter the ones who really click - Will see.

I would like to hear please,what other Dominants experiences have been with this,if you are *comfortable to share such in an open forum.

LthrdWolf

*comfortable - if not I would welcome Your input through email here.

Post #: 1

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 12:32:02 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

No surprize to you that I'm responding to this I guess, given we've sort of touched on it before.

My journey took a slightly diffrent route. I've always had a Dominant personality. Put me in a group of folks who are dithering about how to get something done and I'm likely to end up being the one who gets them organised and moving just because I end up getting irritated at them faffing about when it is clear (To me) what is needed.

My journey wasn't to learn that I am Dominant but in finding out what that means and how to be 'A' Dominant. Like most of the people I respect on here, I don't consider that journey in the least compleated as there is always things to improve on, new things to learn and new people and/or situations to adjust to.

It is simply a part of who I am, but not ALL of who I am. I'm not a cardboard cut-out, two dimentional 'fantasy'. I'm fairly easy going most of the time, have a sense of humour (A little warped maybe, no doubt why I get on with IB so well *g*), I can even be kind *Shock horror*

This is where I've found a clash with what some subs seem to expect. It isn't just one or two but many seem to have this fantasy image of a Dom as some kind of hard-ass robotic Marquis de Sade who is totaly devoid of any emotion except for a glee in humiliating them.

That might be a fun mask to wear, a role to play for a scene or even an evening.... but to live like that? Not me and I get the feeling with most of them that if they ever find the roboDom of their fantasy in real life then many would have a rude awakining.

Being a rounded human being doesn't mean I will be any easier in setting or enforcing limits and bounderys. It means I am not looking for someone wrapped up in fantasy, somebody that the more I care for her, the more I want to make her utterly mine without stopping her being who she is as a person.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

Post #: 2

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 12:57:12 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

We have to remember that the words "dominant" and "submissive" are both nouns and adjectives. Being Dominant doesn't necessarily mean that you have a dominant personality (meaning you're agressive or assertive or whatever). Likewise, being a submissive doesn't mean that you're personality is submissive.

I, too, am a very polite person. I identify as a Master. My slaves both have dominant personalities, which is something that I prefer.

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

Post #: 3

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 1:03:49 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

It is simply a part of who I am, but not ALL of who I am. I'm not a cardboard cut-out, two dimentional 'fantasy'. I'm fairly easy going most of the time, have a sense of humour (A little warped maybe, no doubt why I get on with IB so well *g*), I can even be kind *Shock horror*

Be a bloodyside more warped mate when we stagger back from the pub totally shickered and almost leggless with a bakers dozen near naked shierlers in tow......... RWL

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 4

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 1:08:58 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Likewise, being assertive doesn't mean lacking in manners or treating people as less than human.

The young lady I am getting to know is also rather assertive, she is far from being a doormat. Does that mean she is any less of a submissive? Not in the least, but only to the person she decides to submit too. Someone she respects and trusts enough to give herself to. Someone who values her and her submission

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to MistressFire70)

Post #: 5

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 1:10:31 PM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear
Be a bloodyside more warped mate when we stagger back from the pub totally shickered and almost leggless with a bakers dozen near naked shierlers in tow......... RWL

Trust a bloody Gorean to turn a trip to the pub into a slaveing run

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 6

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 1:18:35 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

Submissives with dominant personalities? Dominants with submissive personalities? Eh, to each their own. You may think that being a hard-ass is two dimentional but others may not. I know I'm a bit of a hard-ass but there will always be more to me then you or anyone else on a message will see or I will show on my profile. There are those that seek a softer, gentler Dom and there are those that don't. It's just a preference. Your preference doesn't make you any better then anyone else. It just makes you, you.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

Post #: 7

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 1:27:59 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

I have always been a very dominant person, in all aspects of my life. When I came to this lifestyle it was as a Dominant. About 2 years ago, I decided to examine and explore my "submissive side". What should have been obvious to me in my exploration was how impossible a task this was going to be. Like being French and deciding to explore my Chinese side. Or being a reptile and exploring my feline side...you get the picture.

I kept a journal and it's really humorous to go back and read through it. Somewhere in all of the mess, I met the love of my life, a dominant male. We talked, we met, we fell in love, and we tried to be D/s. He was and is a great Dom, but submission is just not for me. I found myself getting really pissed off during pain play sessions and threatened his life the one time he tied me up. As it turns out, I don't have a submissive bone in my body.

We talked and laughed and discussed our needs and wants and the fact that we are both poly and bi helped a lot but most of all, we love each other enough to be a Dom/Domme couple instead of the D/s couple that we thought we were going to be. And now, we are still in love, still happy, and both seeking subs.

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

Post #: 8

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 1:50:58 PM

SimplyV

Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline

I agree with the other posters here. Many subs who do not recognize Dominance in the "nice guys/gals" are subs who are looking for their fantasy Dominant. Usually a Dominant who is severe, sadistic, and mean. Or they've been with such a "Dominant" and want to be (or feel) abused again.

When I was fresh as a daisy to this lifestyle, I also was looking for that Severe Dominant. The Master in my fantasies so to speak. When I'd thought I'd found him, we'd talk and I'd run scared. While it was what I thought I wanted, it wasn't really what I needed.

In time, and after several "running in fear" episodes, I started to realize what I wanted wasn't abuse or severity, but a mutual bliss. Love, understanding, and trust blended with BDSM activities. A Yin/Yang thing.

It was then I began to look at the "nice guy" Dominants and the more I talked and understood them, the more I wanted to be with them. When I found my last Master (actually he hated that word, he was too humble himself to try accept that title), and surrendered not only to his ways but his love. It was a battle. Learning to accept someone's love was a huge challenge for me, and I think it may be for many submissives. It was hard to trust that he did love me, because I had never really had that kind of unconditional love from anyone before. For a long time, I thought I didn't deserve it.

In many ways.. Its much easier as a submissive, to just do as your told, take a beating for wrong behavior.. than be with a "nice guy/gal" Dominant who loves you, and requires that intimate level of love from you, stands by you, helps you grow, who wants to know everything about you and lovingly devours you. That close emotional connection is scary. Because not only can you get hurt physically, but you can get really wounded emotionally. But it also holds the best growth possibilities.

For me.. thats what I need.. As a Dominant.. or as a submissive.. is the "scary" kind of relationship.

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

Post #: 9

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 1:56:07 PM

SimplyV

Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

Submissives with dominant personalities? Dominants with submissive personalities? Eh, to each their own. You may think that being a hard-ass is two dimentional but others may not. I know I'm a bit of a hard-ass but there will always be more to me then you or anyone else on a message will see or I will show on my profile. There are those that seek a softer, gentler Dom and there are those that don't. It's just a preference. Your preference doesn't make you any better then anyone else. It just makes you, you.

I don't see where she put down "hard-asses". There is nothing wrong with having guildlines and making people follow them.

There are many types of D/s relationships. And you're right.. prefering one over another isn't anyone elses business but your own.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 10

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 2:07:44 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

What I wrote was really a reply to RavenMuse's post about a hard-assed Dom as being "two-demensional".

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 11

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 2:35:59 PM

Submotive

Posts: 440
Joined: 9/9/2005
Status: offline

quote:

It was a battle. Learning to accept someone's love was a huge challenge for me, and I think it may be for many submissives. It was hard to trust that he did love me, because I had never really had that kind of unconditional love from anyone before. For a long time, I thought I didn't deserve it.

In many ways.. Its much easier as a submissive, to just do as your told, take a beating for wrong behavior.. than be with a "nice guy/gal" Dominant who loves you, and requires that intimate level of love from you, stands by you, helps you grow, who wants to know everything about you and lovingly devours you. That close emotional connection is scary. Because not only can you get hurt physically, but you can get really wounded emotionally. But it also holds the best growth possibilities.

Yes - absolutely - for me it's the same thing. Although a bit of sadism is a nice touch too. i am a strong, dominant type of personality. My submission is like a work of art that i'm always honing, seeking to soften here, harden there. Learning to let go and surrender to Another's opinions, desires needs - that is where submission lies for me. There's a tremendous difference between submissive and passive.

_____________________________

Owned by Scotch Master

i would rather continue alone than be permitted to show only parts of myself to my Beloved.

If you're not living as you would like to today, when are you going to start?

(in reply to SimplyV)

Post #: 12

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 2:56:03 PM

aurora31

Posts: 266
Joined: 8/18/2005
Status: offline

I personally seak a "tender sadist" while in my limited personal experiances I very much enjoy pain play. I also seek a kind caring gentel Dom who will help to guide me in my growth as a submissive and person. One who will be there to comfort me in the bad times, celebrate in the good times, One who is free with the praise when I have done well but who will stand firm and not back down when I push or test the rules. To me these are the qualities of a strong Dom.

aurora

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

Post #: 13

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 4:02:27 PM

LthrdWolf

Posts: 92
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

It is simply a part of who I am, but not ALL of who I am. I'm not a cardboard cut-out, two dimentional 'fantasy'. I'm fairly easy going most of the time, have a sense of humour (A little warped maybe, no doubt why I get on with IB so well *g*), I can even be kind *Shock horror*

Be a bloodyside more warped mate when we stagger back from the pub totally shickered and almost leggless with a bakers dozen near naked shierlers in tow......... RWL

IronBear,I would like to hear your opinion on this too please.

~Thank you to all who have replied~

LthrdWolf ...*says to all* When I speak about my journey & finding myself,like alot of the other Dominants here ...my whole life has been spent 'at the Helm' so to speak,whether in jobs,the homefront,or socially.
Like MissTress says (paraphrasing her here,) You can try other things but the Dominance just *seeps* back in ...or sometimes full force like a tornado!You know I truly believe that being Dominant is a 'mindset' as well.

< Message edited by LthrdWolf -- 2/28/2006 4:15:01 PM >

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 14

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 2/28/2006 4:07:07 PM

SimplyV

Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Submotive

quote:

It was a battle. Learning to accept someone's love was a huge challenge for me, and I think it may be for many submissives. It was hard to trust that he did love me, because I had never really had that kind of unconditional love from anyone before. For a long time, I thought I didn't deserve it.

In many ways.. Its much easier as a submissive, to just do as your told, take a beating for wrong behavior.. than be with a "nice guy/gal" Dominant who loves you, and requires that intimate level of love from you, stands by you, helps you grow, who wants to know everything about you and lovingly devours you. That close emotional connection is scary. Because not only can you get hurt physically, but you can get really wounded emotionally. But it also holds the best growth possibilities.

Yes - absolutely - for me it's the same thing. Although a bit of sadism is a nice touch too. i am a strong, dominant type of personality. My submission is like a work of art that i'm always honing, seeking to soften here, harden there. Learning to let go and surrender to Another's opinions, desires needs - that is where submission lies for me. There's a tremendous difference between submissive and passive.

Who said "nice guys/gals" can't be a bit sadistic? *grins evilly* Lord knows I am. hmm.. but then.. maybe I'm not as nice as I think I am..

(in reply to Submotive)

Post #: 15

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 3/1/2006 4:11:29 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

What I wrote was really a reply to RavenMuse's post about a hard-assed Dom as being "two-demensional".

If the hard-ass image is ALL there is of them then yes, they ARE two dimentional. I can be just as hard-ass as the next Dom, try telling a drunk rugby team that they can't come into the club you are working the door of if you aren't a hard-ass and you ain't going to last very long.

The point was that if they see anything besides that 2-D image then they find it a problem.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 16

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 3/1/2006 5:38:19 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Hmmm

i don't have a "nice guy Dom." my Master is pretty damn tough. i wouldn't call him a hard ass, but he is a hard Master to please and demands hard work out of me.

Fantasy? Maybe, but if so, i'm living my fantasy!

i am assertive at work, etc. That does not mean i have a domme side, it just means i am assertive at work. Throw me into a situation that needs cleaning up and i will be organizing and directing... But i am not dominant.

Simply V you touched on a pet peeve of mine. It is easier to be submissive? Just do as told and take beatings? If only it were that easy. Maybe that's what submission is for some...but not all. i know my submission to my Master entails a LOT more than that...and is quite challenging, to say the least. i think it is fair to say that both positions are difficult in many ways, but the difficulties differ from each other.

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

Post #: 17

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 3/1/2006 5:47:38 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Demanding and expecting a lot of the sub isn't the same as a hard-ass image.... maybe it is a cultural thing causeing the confusion.

I am demanding and expect a lot both of any girl I am with (And more of myself!) however I don't have to wear the mask of some grouchy asshole the entire time in order to carry that off.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 18

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 3/1/2006 6:33:55 AM

LthrdWolf

Posts: 92
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Demanding and expecting a lot of the sub isn't the same as a hard-ass image.... maybe it is a cultural thing causeing the confusion.

I am demanding and expect a lot both of any girl I am with (And more of myself!) however I don't have to wear the mask of some grouchy asshole the entire time in order to carry that off.

Absolutely Correct RavenMuse.I was just going to say that in response.I certainly not Only have expectations but make 'sure' they are Known.Not Only that things 'will' be run a certain way,but that the submissive will conduct themselves accordingly at all times -situational dependent- but 'still' always under My authority - Whether I am around or not.This is also Why I say that I am Strict,but that is the foundation of things,& not always immediately apparent ie/as I said during 1st contact/s.I will talk about it definitely,but it gets 'put into place' a little while after 'if' the connection starts to pan out.Now we have come full circle,& That is where the 'Catch 22' lies ...submissives often seem to 'prefer' a hard ass -but- if you come across initially with both guns blazing (so to speak) you're often dead in the water ...& to paraphrase RavenMuse - it's just not My style.

LthrdWolf

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 19

RE: Dominant vs Dom/meliness - 3/1/2006 6:53:29 AM

Phoenxx

Posts: 253
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Swift Current
Status: offline

There are bottoms out there that need a hard assed mean Top. And there are those out there. But almost all of us are more then just our kink or even one part of it.
I often match my "levels" to the person I am playing with. For example, fawn (my wife/submissive) is not a pain slut. She likes X amount of pain. So I mostly go the X but sometimes take her to Y ... lol
Now if and when I play with a pain slut I might just go to X times Y.
Same as being a hard ass. There are times when having a bit of a cold cruel side can be an advantage.
But cuddling after a good spanking is fun too.
Tony

(in reply to LthrdWolf)

Post #: 20

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