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RE: Advice needed - 9/17/2009 11:52:50 AM   
BeingChewsie


Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		Which is exactly the same advice I was going to give, she is the dominant in the relationship. You give the best advice Ron, if you can't leave it, you have to find a way to live with it. It sounds like slavery, it seems the OP needs to decide if he wants to be a slave or maybe more importantly if he can stop being one.


quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Well, that was some advice I was contemplating giving him, read the shit outta cuckoldry threads, and find a place to settle in. Hell, he might like it, afterall, if it serves his love. If he can't leave it, he has to find a way to live with it.

Ron


< Message edited by BeingChewsie -- 9/17/2009 11:53:16 AM >

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Advice needed - 9/17/2009 12:03:19 PM   
VirginPotty


Posts: 11624
Joined: 7/16/2008
From: Virginville
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NewDomVA

I understand your doubt, I'd actually prefer if the advice was for me, nothing about her.

I do Love her, so i don't think I can throw that away. She also tells me daily she doesn't know what she would do without me. I know in her past alot of her ex's were abusive. I don't want to give up on her.


Have YOU ever had cyber sex behind HER back?  Inquiring minds want to know.

_____________________________

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

(in reply to NewDomVA)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Advice needed - 9/18/2009 1:46:15 AM   
bravemax


Posts: 23
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline 		This is five months in.

Do you not have any means for talking about this shit?

Are you really gonna check her phone, computer useage for this - after five months? I don't do that stuff ever myself but after five months I would have a better idea of where things were at by now or have left.

I can only imagine you are either fairly young or live in a small town.

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Advice needed - 9/18/2009 2:46:34 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Hi
I can relate to this thing

So she is a flirt... i am too... i have cyber affairs at times, i rarely choose to start a fling with anybody local and certainly not with anybody i actually know... i am not allowed to phone or cam, but i love my cyber flirting etc.
All my affairs are open to my Husband and He has the power to shut the computer down if He wants to.... i am His, also i am a slut... and maybe not even only His slut... eventhough i am devoted to Him and i love Him more than anybody else i have ever loved...
See i would not mind being shared... or prostituted, i think that is extremely hot... however my Husband is of the monogamous sort and expects me to be monogamous too and He is in charge so this is how we play it.

It depends on how well you can trust her to know and respect were YOU draw the line.

I can relate to the nappy wearing aswel... though as mentioned; maybe you should not have talked about it as it was her secret... but we're all anonimous here so who cares...
I think it might function as a sort of modern chastity belt... does she wear it while she is flirting?... would she tell the person she is flirting with that she wears this thing?
Most men might think she was totally weird and humiliate her or lose interest... i can totally dig her mindset...

if you love her and you are sure she loves you... keep an eye on her and enjoy her

(in reply to NewDomVA)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Advice needed - 9/18/2009 7:39:29 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		For those of you who think this is a certain Dom trying to start a new account and discuss it while under a mask and are making snide comments and remarks........ I have it on EXCELLENT AUTHORITY that this is NOT the same Dom. In fact I would say with the information I got it is 99.99999 % Not the same Dom.

I can say it is nearly Impossible for this to be the same Dom. So maybe rather than being trite you can focus on the fact that you are now obviously wrong and start making some changes in you replies to this person who most likely has NO IDEA the issues you are trying to be flippant about.

Steel

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(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Advice needed - 9/18/2009 8:12:53 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		excuse me Steel. I was not trying to be flippant. I was simply stating a fairly large coincidence, which, believe it or not, is my right to do. I have no clue who your EXCELLENT AUTHORITY is, nor do i care. Thats my opinion and i stand behind it...

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Advice needed - 9/18/2009 7:08:54 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NewDomVA
She also tells me daily she doesn't know what she would do without me. I know in her past alot of her ex's were abusive.
This is not your duck. If she's not willing to do what it takes to stay in the realtionship, then she's responsible for figuring out what she'll do without you.

As for the rest, either accept it or move on, because it's not going to change.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to NewDomVA)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Advice needed - 9/18/2009 7:36:06 PM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

For those of you who think this is a certain Dom trying to start a new account and discuss it while under a mask and are making snide comments and remarks........ I have it on EXCELLENT AUTHORITY that this is NOT the same Dom. In fact I would say with the information I got it is 99.99999 % Not the same Dom.

I can say it is nearly Impossible for this to be the same Dom. So maybe rather than being trite you can focus on the fact that you are now obviously wrong and start making some changes in you replies to this person who most likely has NO IDEA the issues you are trying to be flippant about.

Steel


I am not sure who you are refering to, but I do stick with my original advice.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

quote:

ORIGINAL: NewDomVA

I told her i didn't want to be the one who told her who she could and not be friends with and would get over it.

The next week I expressed that it still bugged me and I really didn't like it. I told her if you are using him just to keep tabs on your ex please stop talking to him, it hurts me. If you want him to be your friend, I'll get over it, I'll be paranoid, but I will get over it.


Look. . . you said you would get over it.  Then you said it bugged you.  Then you said you would get over it.  Then you said you would be paranoid.  Then you said you would get over it. 

Pick a position. 


The passive-aggressive, I am a martyr, I am such a victim is pathetic.  Personally I think that the OP sound like a bully.  I do not like bullies. 

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Advice needed - 9/18/2009 8:37:28 PM   
lilivontramp


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NewDomVA

My Gf/sub has a very specific fetish, she doesn't share this information with anyone,

But you shared it with an entire website. That says a lot about you, in my opinion. And no, she isn't much better.

(in reply to NewDomVA)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Advice needed - 9/18/2009 9:30:41 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NewDomVA

i didn't want to be the one who told her who she could and not be friends with and would get over it.

First mistake.

K.

(in reply to NewDomVA)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Advice needed - 9/19/2009 1:45:57 AM   
SubOnlyForHim


Posts: 787
Joined: 8/19/2009
Status: offline 		If this were me and my Sir, Sir would've kicked this one to the curb for lying about my devotion. Breaking trust is an ultimate deal breaker.....

Maybe she is seeking punishment for her actions, maybe that's her kink.

_____________________________

just call me "sophie" ~~~ Thanks, sirsholly, for the new nick! i now feel so special. Whoohoooo!

*committed*

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(in reply to Kirata)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Advice needed - 9/19/2009 9:28:29 PM   
Rhodes85


Posts: 445
Joined: 11/15/2008
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Status: offline 		'when we got home she was playing keyboard in another room so I checked my logger. She had made a new Email/MSG account to talk to him more. I read the conversation, it was the extent of, only talk to me on here. Only till This time when my BF gets home etc. '

This is as far as I needed to read (though yes I did read the whole thing) She lied. She intended to keep this affair or whatever you wish to call it a secret from you. The fact that she knew there was a keylogger on the system and did so anyway is somewhat odd but then again people do odd things sometimes. I can tell you from personal experience, as something very similar happened to me not too long ago, she is using you and this will NOT change. My advice is to get as far away from her as possible.

In short, I am 110% in agreement with Steel on this one.

Oh and slavegirlbc, I have to admit your comment gave me quite a bit to think about in reflection of the similar situation I was in. I had never considered that possibility before and now that I have, it does explain alot. Not that it matters now, but there was some rather disturbing and contradictory behavior on her part that I could never figure out her justification for. Anyways like I said that gave me alot to consider.

_____________________________

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency you would all be dead by now. Have a nice day and remember: Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

(in reply to SubOnlyForHim)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Advice needed - 9/19/2009 9:45:29 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NewDomVA

I want to preface this post with a few things, one it's true, it's very important to me, and it has more drama in it than I care for in my day to day life. I know this is a new account, without a doubt someone will simply think "There is another forum troll", but I really am seeking some advice of people more experienced than me. I am not happy with some of my actions, but I have to live with the decisions I've made so far.

Here is the situation so far. I recently, 5 months ago, entered into a relationship with a wonderful submissive woman. We have both fallen in love with each other. I knew she was a sub before we started seeing each other. I also knew she was pretty much a helpless flirt. I am 27 she is 25.

Three weeks ago a friend of her ex's contacted her online. They were talking and being friendly. The next day after she got home from work they were talking more. Then I see a message about him sending a "naughty" (read: dick) picture to her since that is how he initiates all of his texting friends. She immediatly turns to me and says "i'm not going to look at it", her phone buzzed, she looked at me as she hit the open button and then closed her phone. I expressed that one, I thought it was creepy not even knowing the person for 24 hrs and not even real time and she should of informed him she was seeing someone.

The more I thought about it the more it bothered me. When she got home the next day I ask to see her phone. She gave it to me. What I saw was One she did in fact explain she had a BF, two that flirting should only be PG when i am around, and what dissapointed me was that she outlined when she was home and I was not also she told him once she got some time in private she did look at it. She promised me it would stop, she said I could do anything to make sure I believed her. I was free to check her phone when i wanted, her messengers anything or if i really needed to she would just stop talking to him. I told her i didn't want to be the one who told her who she could and not be friends with and would get over it.

They continued to talk for the week. She showed me what she sent him about me being upset with their Text conversation and it needed to stop. The next week I expressed that it still bugged me and I really didn't like it. I told her if you are using him just to keep tabs on your ex please stop talking to him, it hurts me. If you want him to be your friend, I'll get over it, I'll be paranoid, but I will get over it. She told me she didn't want him as a friend and would stop talking to him.

My Gf/sub has a very specific fetish, she doesn't share this information with anyone, it took her a while to even willingly tell me. On thursdays she likes to be diapered and locked in them till friday when I get home. Theres always a key hidden to the lock and she can always get in touch with me to get it if needed. (not to mention the lock is so flimsy it would be nothing to snap it anyway) I know she flirts online with non local people, that doesn't bug me. I ask her how many people she told, she said one. I felt she wasn't telling me the truth. That saturday I woke up before she did and checked her Yahoo. Yahoo saves old conversations. Once again more things I was not happy about. She told the same person she promised she was not going to talk to anymore about this. Once again she swore to me she would stop talking to him and that I was free to do anything including put a key logger on her computer if it meant I could trust her again.

Sunday... I did just that.

Monday I got home from work, we had plans for dinner and movie with a friend. I ask her a simple question before we left. Did you talk to him anymore? She looked at me and lied. I knew she was lieing without even checking. We went to dinner and a movie, when we got home she was playing keyboard in another room so I checked my logger. She had made a new Email/MSG account to talk to him more. I read the conversation, it was the extent of, only talk to me on here. Only till This time when my BF gets home etc.

We had a huge issue (it wasn't an argument, she really didn't feel she was in the right in anyway or so she said) I told her she could choose. Talk to him, lose me forever; not speak to him anymore and If I ever catch her again I'm gone. She chose me along with giving me her pw/logins to everything. I don't want to check her stuff or be paranoid. If it was anyone else I would of just given up by now. I truly love her and I do believe she loves me.

I'm just looking for some advice on maybe what to do or even what people think I should of done? Maybe reassurance what I did was not out of bounds or even that I am in fact a complete asshole. I don't have anyone I would feel comfortable sitting down and talking about this with.

Thanks in advance
-Chris


She may tell you that she loves you, but love means not cheating, lying, or deceiving. This relationship is over and if you remain in it, you will be sorely disappointed and end up being truly hurt

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to NewDomVA)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Advice needed - 9/19/2009 10:08:25 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		Do you really want to be in the place where you are right now?  Do you want to be in that place in six months?  In six years?  Let me tell you a story.  My story.

When our child was a few weeks old, I was on the computer at home (jointly used by my husband and myself), and I decided to update our yahoo messenger (there was some sort of security update to install).  I updated mine and then opened my husband's to make the required security setting changes.  He knew I was doing this.  An offline message popped up from a girl that lived far away proclaiming her undying love and how she couldn't wait for them to be married.

Um... okayyyyyyyyyyy.  He promised to come clean with her (she knew nothing of me or our newborn baby) and to stop talking to her.  I gave him another chance.

A week later I walked in and saw her name on his open messenger window as he was talking to her.  He said again, would stop talking to her.  I gave him another chance. 

Several days later, I believe it was, I walked in on him talking to her on the phone.  This time he asked if we could go to marriage counseling.  I agreed.  I also installed a keylogger on the computer. 

I kept thinking things would stop.  As we started counseling, I became a detective.  I hated it.  I hated the suspicious person that I became.  I stayed because I thought I couldn't afford to live on my own with two children.  I stuck it out thru the lies for 2 more years before I reached the final straw (which was a financial "final straw").  We had been together a total of five years.

After I left him three years ago, he found another woman.  He did the same thing to her.  Talking to dozens of women, living a fantasy life.  Refusing to get or keep a decent job.  Except he managed to bankrupt her in about 6 to 9 months, before our divorce was even final.  She sold all her personal belongings and those of her children (whatever would not fit into suitcases) and she and her children took an Amtrak to another state to move in with her best friend and start her life over.  She was about 40 and had lost everything she had saved and worked for.

I got a call yesterday from a woman who started the convo with "You don't know me, and I've never done this before, but please don't hang up on me."  It was the ex's latest girlfriend.  He was doing the same thing to her.  And not working on a regular basis.  She had alot of questions.  He had convinced her that SHE was the reason that he had not seen our daughter since April.  I cleared that right up.  And she had tried to throw him out before he could bankrupt her but he wouldn't leave, convincing her that she had to formally evict him.  And the original girl that he was going to "marry" from years before?  He was still talking to her.  And dozens of others.

People like him don't change.  I am convinced that one of his problems is indeed sexual addiction, as he likes to have cybersex and phone sex with whoever is willing.  He also doesn't like the reality of daily life, but is always chasing a fantasy life (you know, that sort of fantasy life where there is no laundry, no dishes, no having to work for a living). 

Do you really want to go thru this?  Do you really want this kind of life??

Cali





_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Rhodes85)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Advice needed - 9/19/2009 10:26:43 PM   
Rhodes85


Posts: 445
Joined: 11/15/2008
From: Nova Scotia, Canada
Status: offline 		You should listen to CalifChick, what she wrote is your future if you stay with this woman.

and CalifChick I am very sorry that happened to you.

_____________________________

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency you would all be dead by now. Have a nice day and remember: Friends don't let friends vote Republican.

(in reply to CalifChick)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Advice needed - 9/20/2009 10:45:19 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		OP:
I am confused as to why you think you love her.  Obsessed about wanting to be in love seems more applicable unless you really like the type of women who enjoy cuckolding you.  She has repeated behavior of cheating and lying.  Is this a turn on?  Does it make you feel more devoted to her when she keeps you unsure?  Have you considered you may not be dominant?

(in reply to Rhodes85)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Advice needed - 9/20/2009 11:38:12 AM   
happylittlepet


Posts: 289
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

OP:
I am confused as to why you think you love her.  Obsessed about wanting to be in love seems more applicable ...



As the OP has to figure out which one it is, he will have to go another round on the merry-go-round, as I call it, until he sees what is going on. It's very 'easy' to go for one more round, and another, and... same sights, same cycle. It's hard to break out of, but once one looks back it's a no-brainer. Good luck, to the both of you. 

_____________________________

There are no rules, there is only compassion.

Simple religion:
There is no need for temples,
No need for complicated philosophies
My brain and my heart are my temples
My philosophy is kindness (DL)

'There's a fire burning in my heart'

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Advice needed - 9/20/2009 12:02:47 PM   
OrionAndi


Posts: 73
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline 		You have given her far to many chances, She will take advantage and you for granted.

An absolute cheek to say say that you can have all her passwords, keep logs on her yahoo and so on and to still pursue the same conversations with this friend... Its because she knows you will give her another chance... and another and another and so on.

You will now never be able to trust her word...

What you must do is get out with no more chances.Easier said than done I know, because you love her, but this will not be a healthy trusting relationship if it continues.You will always be wondering...

Andi x

< Message edited by OrionAndi -- 9/20/2009 12:04:13 PM >

(in reply to happylittlepet)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Advice needed - 9/20/2009 12:15:29 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with Califchick who has provided you some insight into her own experiences of being with someone who has a history of deception and cheating.

I had the same experience with an ex-dom who would tell me one thing and yet do the opposite action of lying to me. I would not want to be involved with someone who has continuously lied to me at a point where I needed to check out the emails or conversations with others. The more time you will be with this person, you will develop suspicious thoughts regarding her activities and ultimately, she will resent you for constantly checking up on her.

If you really care about her, then she needs to work on gaining your trust and when she does not do so, then I would tell her she needs to leave while you will need to move on. Under no circumstances should you allow her bad behavior affect how you feel and any relationship should be based on trust and communication.

I wish you well.


(in reply to OrionAndi)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Advice needed - 9/20/2009 2:22:43 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NewDomVA
Then I see a message about him sending a "naughty" (read: dick) picture to her since that is how he initiates all of his texting friends.


Call me old-fashioned, but I normally wait til the second, or even third message before showing my dick to people.

(in reply to NewDomVA)
Profile   Post #: 40
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