Advice needed

Advice needed (Full Version)

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NewDomVA -> Advice needed (9/17/2009 10:04:08 AM)
I want to preface this post with a few things, one it's true, it's very important to me, and it has more drama in it than I care for in my day to day life. I know this is a new account, without a doubt someone will simply think "There is another forum troll", but I really am seeking some advice of people more experienced than me. I am not happy with some of my actions, but I have to live with the decisions I've made so far. Here is the situation so far. I recently, 5 months ago, entered into a relationship with a wonderful submissive woman. We have both fallen in love with each other. I knew she was a sub before we started seeing each other. I also knew she was pretty much a helpless flirt. I am 27 she is 25. Three weeks ago a friend of her ex's contacted her online. They were talking and being friendly. The next day after she got home from work they were talking more. Then I see a message about him sending a "naughty" (read: dick) picture to her since that is how he initiates all of his texting friends. She immediatly turns to me and says "i'm not going to look at it", her phone buzzed, she looked at me as she hit the open button and then closed her phone. I expressed that one, I thought it was creepy not even knowing the person for 24 hrs and not even real time and she should of informed him she was seeing someone. The more I thought about it the more it bothered me. When she got home the next day I ask to see her phone. She gave it to me. What I saw was One she did in fact explain she had a BF, two that flirting should only be PG when i am around, and what dissapointed me was that she outlined when she was home and I was not also she told him once she got some time in private she did look at it. She promised me it would stop, she said I could do anything to make sure I believed her. I was free to check her phone when i wanted, her messengers anything or if i really needed to she would just stop talking to him. I told her i didn't want to be the one who told her who she could and not be friends with and would get over it. They continued to talk for the week. She showed me what she sent him about me being upset with their Text conversation and it needed to stop. The next week I expressed that it still bugged me and I really didn't like it. I told her if you are using him just to keep tabs on your ex please stop talking to him, it hurts me. If you want him to be your friend, I'll get over it, I'll be paranoid, but I will get over it. She told me she didn't want him as a friend and would stop talking to him. My Gf/sub has a very specific fetish, she doesn't share this information with anyone, it took her a while to even willingly tell me. On thursdays she likes to be diapered and locked in them till friday when I get home. Theres always a key hidden to the lock and she can always get in touch with me to get it if needed. (not to mention the lock is so flimsy it would be nothing to snap it anyway) I know she flirts online with non local people, that doesn't bug me. I ask her how many people she told, she said one. I felt she wasn't telling me the truth. That saturday I woke up before she did and checked her Yahoo. Yahoo saves old conversations. Once again more things I was not happy about. She told the same person she promised she was not going to talk to anymore about this. Once again she swore to me she would stop talking to him and that I was free to do anything including put a key logger on her computer if it meant I could trust her again. Sunday... I did just that. Monday I got home from work, we had plans for dinner and movie with a friend. I ask her a simple question before we left. Did you talk to him anymore? She looked at me and lied. I knew she was lieing without even checking. We went to dinner and a movie, when we got home she was playing keyboard in another room so I checked my logger. She had made a new Email/MSG account to talk to him more. I read the conversation, it was the extent of, only talk to me on here. Only till This time when my BF gets home etc. We had a huge issue (it wasn't an argument, she really didn't feel she was in the right in anyway or so she said) I told her she could choose. Talk to him, lose me forever; not speak to him anymore and If I ever catch her again I'm gone. She chose me along with giving me her pw/logins to everything. I don't want to check her stuff or be paranoid. If it was anyone else I would of just given up by now. I truly love her and I do believe she loves me. I'm just looking for some advice on maybe what to do or even what people think I should of done? Maybe reassurance what I did was not out of bounds or even that I am in fact a complete asshole. I don't have anyone I would feel comfortable sitting down and talking about this with. Thanks in advance -Chris

mnottertail -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 10:07:38 AM)
kick her to the curb, it ain't gonna change, if not this time, the next time, are you set with this shit for 30 years? you said your bit, she knows her bit, and it ain't getting done even a little bit. Ron

sirsholly -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 10:14:51 AM)
have her post a public apology [8\|] Sorry...i smell a rat. The profile is brand new and i feel you are looking for others to slam your sub for conversing with others on-line. I might be wrong but this is too much of a coincidence.

SteelofUtah -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 10:17:29 AM)
Please understand this is NOT my normal answer I am usually all about Working things out. She needs to pack her Shit and Get the fuck out. I know this sounds harsh. Those who know me know how I am on this subject I HATE the Red flag, Run don't walk Bullshit. However if what you Posted is EXACTLY what happened, if you presented to her that her actions HURT YOU and then continued to do it, and behind your back none the less to the extent of making a bogus account just so she could........... this is a Heartless person who is more interested in doing what she wants then it what her actions will cause. This goes against the BASIC grain of Submission and is in my opinion unforgivable. You will ALWAYS be paranoid. She proved her promises are worthless. You will ALWAYS have to check. She proved she is willing to Hide things from you You will ALWAYS wonder if she is cheating. She proved she is okay with sexual expression behind your back. My Question to you is other than "Because I am in love with her" What reason has she given you to stay? Where is the Fidelity? Where is the Foundation? Where is the Relationship when she can so easily so this without regard to your feelings. All the Appologies are BULLSHIT cause if she meant it she would stop doing it. I don't know her or you for that matter but I can tell you if what you described is the way it was in real life for me. Her shit would be on fire in the front yard and she would be dropped off at a homeless shelter until she can find other options. Again mind you I USUALLY go with the Work it out, Talk it out, Communicate route. So Ask yourself why someone who feels there is always a reason to keep trying would be telling you what I told you. THINK. Steel

NewDomVA -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 10:18:00 AM)
I understand your doubt, I'd actually prefer if the advice was for me, nothing about her. I do Love her, so i don't think I can throw that away. She also tells me daily she doesn't know what she would do without me. I know in her past alot of her ex's were abusive. I don't want to give up on her.

DesFIP -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 10:21:58 AM)
If she cares more about flirting with her ex, then she cares about how you feel, that in itself is your answer. She's just not that into you.

SteelofUtah -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 10:22:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NewDomVA I do Love her, so i don't think I can throw that away. Then you are the maker of your own misery. What she does is now all your fault. PERIOD. you are letting her do it because Love has become your Mistress rather than Common Sense. Blame her all you want but if you give her the stage to have a perfomance on then you are the reason she puts on the show. Steel

impishlilhellcat -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 10:22:22 AM)
You keep saying you don't want to check up on her and you don't want to be paranoid and you don't want to check her messenger, but then you turn around and do just that. SO you obviously don't trust her. To me it seems simple although I know that while involved with someone things get complicated because of feelings and emotions. She's lied to you apparently lied to your face so at this point you can either choose to believe that she is sincere an she will stop the behavior or you can make the decision that she has broken your trust and you can no longer believe anything that she tells you. If you choose to trust her then maybe you need to take the time to figure out why she did what she did and work on strengthening your relationship. If you cannot trust her anymore then you should probably break the ties and move on.

mnottertail -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 10:26:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NewDomVA I do Love her, so i don't think I can throw that away. Then you are just as fucked as anyone can be in life. Do you suppose that if you threaded her both ways through every window and wall in your house, cartwheeled her throught them, and then stomped the living dogfuck out of her to the extent you would have to sop her up with doughnut napkins to get enough to bury her with, that she would understand the juxtaposition of relationship and trust? Short answer, NO. End of joke. There is no magic bullet advice coming out of here for your situation, if you can't cut her loose. Ron

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 10:47:48 AM)
It's in extremely poor taste to take something she told you in confidence and probably was supposed to be a secret and splash it on a public forrum for every one to read. You need to learn some discretion and to keep your mouth shut, when people confide secret stuff to you,if you ever want any one to trust you with private stuff. quote: ORIGINAL: NewDomVA I My Gf/sub has a very specific fetish, she doesn't share this information with anyone, it took her a while to even willingly tell me. On thursdays she likes to be diapered and locked in them till friday when I get home. -Chris

Lockit -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 11:00:36 AM)
Suck it up, get used to it... you're a cuck. You can't give her up and she won't stop. So accept what you are and get over your demands she doesn't listen to. She's got you by your ball's. Or... The jealous games need to stop... they can get pretty serious. Be a man and a grown up, call it what it is and stop expecting a different outcome from her type of love. (That isn't love.) Move on down the road.

mnottertail -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 11:02:13 AM)
Well, that was some advice I was contemplating giving him, read the shit outta cuckoldry threads, and find a place to settle in. Hell, he might like it, afterall, if it serves his love. If he can't leave it, he has to find a way to live with it. Ron

Aylee -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 11:02:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NewDomVA I told her i didn't want to be the one who told her who she could and not be friends with and would get over it. The next week I expressed that it still bugged me and I really didn't like it. I told her if you are using him just to keep tabs on your ex please stop talking to him, it hurts me. If you want him to be your friend, I'll get over it, I'll be paranoid, but I will get over it. Look. . . you said you would get over it. Then you said it bugged you. Then you said you would get over it. Then you said you would be paranoid. Then you said you would get over it. Pick a position.

Wantstocontrolu -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 11:06:34 AM)
I see no commitment or trust here. It will go no place good. Time to move on.

kittinSol -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 11:10:52 AM)
Perhaps you don't give her what she needs, so she feels the need to seek it elsewhere [8D] ? Sorry for not taking your thread seriously, but online Dramaramas went out of fashion last millenium.

mnottertail -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 11:17:54 AM)
OP: you know what? she ain't giving you what you need, keep her as a cock slave and pussy slave and get some other girls, a couple of which should be set in control of her, have them train her to perform to your expectations. Ron

slavegirlbc -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 11:22:05 AM)
she may be addicted to talking with someone and lining up other sexual options, whether she needs them or not. this sounds like compulsive behavoir on her part, because on the one hand she is willing to let you check up on her and is willing to say she is wrong and won't do it again, but then keeps going back to the same behavoir. have you considering getting councelling for both of you, and having her consider that she is a sex addict? it takes many forms, not just actually acting out sexually, but compulsiviely looking for sexual/romantic contact whether it leads to sex or not. it sounds like you have powerful feelings for her, you have done the obvious clear things but she doesn't seem able to get with the program. she may have difficulty with self discipline and following through on her actions. have you also considering working this into your dynamic? such as specific punishments for her when she does engage in this behavoir, and having her give you the ability to verify her wherabouts to prevent cheating in real time? i have compassion for both of you in this situation. it really does sound like there is genuine love here on both of your parts, but that she has a problem she needs to deal with. slave alice

leadership527 -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 11:24:54 AM)
I am so with Steel on this one. I very seldom go with this answer, but yeah... kick her out. Good lord, how many instances of the SAME mistake over and over in immediate succession was that? When I read the OP, all I could get was one lie after another with zero actual intent to deliver. By the way, the idea that this woman is "submissive" is, to me, a joke. If she is, it certainly isn't submissive to YOU. I don't actually believe you love her. I think you love who you want her to be. That's not the same thing at all.

VirginPotty -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 11:33:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly have her post a public apology [8\|] Sorry...i smell a rat. The profile is brand new and i feel you are looking for others to slam your sub for conversing with others on-line. I might be wrong but this is too much of a coincidence. [sm=agree.gif] Is VA the new Canada?

daintydimples -> RE: Advice needed (9/17/2009 11:38:05 AM)
I'm with Steel on this one. Cheaters cheat and liars lie. She has proven she can do both with impunity.

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