Telling a partner of your D/s interest

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Telling a partner of your D/s interest

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Telling a partner of your D/s interest

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 9:18:26 AM

tosparkle

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/18/2009
Status: offline

I'd like to hear from anyone that has a suggestion on telling your partner about your D/s interest and in finding a way to opening the roads of communication about BDSM. What is a good beginning point to start from?....I need help in making another understand my interest and the positive influence it can have on a relationship. Thanks in advance for any help.......

< Message edited by tosparkle -- 9/18/2009 10:01:14 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 9:19:49 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

a book perhaps? when someone you love is kinky...

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to tosparkle)

Post #: 2

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 9:28:11 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tosparkle
I'd like to hear from anyone that has a suggestion on telling your partner about your D/s interest and in finding a way to opening the roads of communication about BDSM. What is a good beginning point to start from?....I need help in making another understand my interest and the positive influence it can have on a relationship. Thanks in advance for any help.......

Uh.... this is your partner we're talking about right? That is to say, someone with whom you are allied? If so, then I am missing why you just don't speak your mind. Do you, yourself, believe that your interest, whatever it is, can have a positive influence on the relationship? If so, why?

One thing I'd note. The kink-world has chosen terminology and imagery both that are, apparently, deliberately selected to be offensive to as many people as possible (gotta keep the counter-culture street cred going and all). I would avoid using the buzz words like "master" and "slave" and just talk about the dynamic and what you hope to achieve from it.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to tosparkle)

Post #: 3

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 10:06:54 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I would just open up. However just as you feel this would be a good thing for you, please note that your partner may have equal reason to feel it would be a bad thing for him.

Meaning, if he doesn't like it, that's his choice. Your choice is to decide what you need and what you have to do for you. I am curious as to why you got into a relationship without this which you apparently need to have a good relationship. Because he fell in love with the woman who claimed to want an equal power relationship.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 4

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 10:24:33 AM

tosparkle

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/18/2009
Status: offline

I don't know where the ice cream cone came from and I don't know how to remove it......I should have specified that I was seeking information for a friend...I'm not currently in a relationship and when I find someone they will know of my interests....

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 5

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 10:28:33 AM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline

This is no different than talking to your partner about other things. If you have problems actually talking, then I suggest you get some help, maybe read a few self help books, and work on your communication skills before you attempt to confuse someone about BDSM. If you are capable of talking, take a deep breath, tell them you've got something to say, and just say it.

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to tosparkle)

Post #: 6

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 10:29:29 AM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

nm

< Message edited by thishereboi -- 9/18/2009 10:31:40 AM >

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to tosparkle)

Post #: 7

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 10:34:48 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tosparkle

I don't know where the ice cream cone came from and I don't know how to remove it......I should have specified that I was seeking information for a friend...I'm not currently in a relationship and when I find someone they will know of my interests....

you see the gold thing on my post that shouts? Click it.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to tosparkle)

Post #: 8

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 10:42:43 AM

BKSir

Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

This is no different than talking to your partner about other things. If you have problems actually talking, then I suggest you get some help, maybe read a few self help books, and work on your communication skills before you attempt to confuse someone about BDSM. If you are capable of talking, take a deep breath, tell them you've got something to say, and just say it.

I have to somewhat agree here. You are an adult, and hoping to get into a relationship with another adult. Two things are at play here.

The first being that, yes, both adults, thus, you should be able to talk with eachother like adults, and not pussyfoot around the issue like a couple of children.

The second is that if you are hoping to be in a relationship with someone you need to communicate, openly and honestly. That requires a level of trust. If you can't trust eachother to be open and honest with your wants and needs, and end up bottling them up, the relationship is going to fail anyway, period. Simply open your mouth and say it.

What is there to be afraid of? So you find someone you really like, and he/she seems to like you, but you bring that up and that person says "No, not my cup of tea." Guess what. GOOD! You just wasted an evening, or maybe a week of their time instead of getting into a relationship and keeping all of this inside for years and everything going tits up then, and you've just wasted a couple years of both of your time.

Or, he/she might say "Hey! I totally dig the idea!" Great! Now you have something even more in common to build on and you're not both sitting there wondering about it.

A hack writer back in ancient times said,
"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

Makes sense, ne? ;)

_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 9

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 11:15:19 AM

AvidRunner

Posts: 19
Joined: 7/27/2009
Status: offline

As someone who generally dates vanilla people more than kinky people....it really depends on what you're ultimately looking for. For me, my interests centers around SM play and light bondage, and it's really not too difficult to get vanilla men interested in experimenting with such things either as a top or a bottom. It's relatively non-threatening and looked upon as "good old fashioned sexual experimentation" by most of them. Mind you, not every vanilla will be interested in that, but I tend to be good at vetting men out and finding those that may at this point in my life - so much so that the only reason that I really look for those involved already in BDSM is skill level.

If you're looking for more "fringish" type activities or looking to get into something more power-exchange-oriented - those inclinations are a lot fewer and farther in between, and I think you may have better luck hitting the lottery than finding a vanilla who will whole heartedly embrace the activities that you just happen to enjoy. Better off trying to find someone who knows they are kinky in the first place.

(in reply to BKSir)

Post #: 10

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 11:15:53 AM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tosparkle

I don't know where the ice cream cone came from and I don't know how to remove it......I should have specified that I was seeking information for a friend...I'm not currently in a relationship and when I find someone they will know of my interests....

It is tied to the number of posts you have to post about 102 in oder to change it

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to tosparkle)

Post #: 11

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 11:18:31 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

a book perhaps? when someone you love is kinky...

I was just trying to think of the name of this book. Thank you.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 12

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 12:36:01 PM

Acer49

Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tosparkle

I'd like to hear from anyone that has a suggestion on telling your partner about your D/s interest and in finding a way to opening the roads of communication about BDSM. What is a good beginning point to start from?....I need help in making another understand my interest and the positive influence it can have on a relationship. Thanks in advance for any help.......

Get your friend a book, maybe the loving Dominant
Maybe rent a good BDSM video and judge his/her reaction
You could have her write out a letter explaining all the things he/she likes and why she likes them
and then they could talk about it

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to tosparkle)

Post #: 13

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 2:01:13 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Just tell them?

For me it's always been quite easy. I choose men who are dominant in personality to begin with so it's not that far a stretch. They are men who like to be in control, who enjoy taking the lead in life.

As for the kinky sex..yeah, never had that problem. I've always found most people have some kind of kink. It's just finding someone who matches yours.

Just tell him what you enjoy. If you can't communicate all with your partner, really, what kind of relationship do you really have?

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 14

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 2:34:27 PM

problemchild

Posts: 23
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline

I think I know where you're coming from, and, with all due respect to some of the others, I'm not sure they do. I've had girlfriends who I "opened up to" about being a submissive and they dumped me shortly after that. However, you're in a different situation because you want to play the traditional submissive role. What I do these days is "accidentally" leave the computer on a kinky site. At some point, in one way or another, they inevitably ask if I'm "into that stuff.." You can tell a lot by how they ask, even the tone of voice. If they seem very negative, I just say no, not at all, I was just checking out the freaks. But otherwise, I tell them that I was just checking it out, and that I find it interesting. In terms of whether or not I'd like to do it, it would depend on just what we'd be doing. Some of the stuff seems, really, completely harmless and might be fun.

If they have a problem with that -- anything that might even hint at kink -- they've just told me the relationship doesn't have much soul mate potential. The relationship will continue, but I'm already starting to look around. You'd be surprised, though, these days, how many people do want to do something kinky.

< Message edited by problemchild -- 9/18/2009 2:36:06 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 15

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 2:41:38 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tosparkle

I'd like to hear from anyone that has a suggestion on telling your partner about your D/s interest and in finding a way to opening the roads of communication about BDSM. What is a good beginning point to start from?....I need help in making another understand my interest and the positive influence it can have on a relationship. Thanks in advance for any help.......

I would guess that the "how" depends on your relationship:
1) how involved are you?
2)how open are you in your relation ship about things you feel and think...especially in bed?
3) are their any hints of your partners potential "counter culture"?...in my case nipple rings have tipped me off that I wasn't dealing with the average bear. Tugging and light torture filled me in before hearing the whisper of "oh god mistress" that gave them away.
4) have you given them any hints like "I really like it when you do___"? How did they respond?

It all depends on how you communicate with your partner. There are hints even in vanilla sex of someones kink nature and for me, it can make or break a relationship. YMMV

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to tosparkle)

Post #: 16

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 3:06:41 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: problemchild
If they have a problem with that -- anything that might even hint at kink -- they've just told me the relationship doesn't have much soul mate potential. The relationship will continue, but I'm already starting to look around. You'd be surprised, though, these days, how many people do want to do something kinky.

So instead of telling them the truth and allowing them to tell you that you aren't compatible, you prefer to lie to them until such a time as you can dump them.

The relationship ends either way, so why manipulate them?

Besides while you're looking for someone to jump ship to, the someone you're hoping will take you on is likely to cross you off their list because you are in a relationship and they don't poach.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to problemchild)

Post #: 17

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 4:22:43 PM

problemchild

Posts: 23
Joined: 7/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: problemchild
If they have a problem with that -- anything that might even hint at kink -- they've just told me the relationship doesn't have much soul mate potential. The relationship will continue, but I'm already starting to look around. You'd be surprised, though, these days, how many people do want to do something kinky.

So instead of telling them the truth and allowing them to tell you that you aren't compatible, you prefer to lie to them until such a time as you can dump them.

The relationship ends either way, so why manipulate them?

Besides while you're looking for someone to jump ship to, the someone you're hoping will take you on is likely to cross you off their list because you are in a relationship and they don't poach.

Because I might have feelings for them. Relationships aren't all about sex. At least mine aren't. And also because I might not want to hurt them but rather let them down easy over time.

I don't want to say, "Well, you don't like what I like sexually, so it's over." Besides, if we're having fun, why the hell dump them? Something better might not come along for quite a while. As long as I'm not stringing them along with hopes that we're working toward something permanent, I don't see anything wrong with looking around at all.

And there's always the possibility that we actually are sexually compatible. Some women have a strong dominant side that they actually think they're not supposed to have so they supress it. Even when submission is offered to them on a golden platter, they turn it down initially because they think women aren't supposed to like that.

< Message edited by problemchild -- 9/18/2009 4:26:14 PM >

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 4:32:21 PM

Elipsis

Posts: 301
Joined: 7/8/2009
Status: offline

You could be silly and suggestive and make BDSM type jokes... why not just straight up just tell them what you're into and ask them if they'd be down for it?

edit:

quote:

problemchild

quote:

ORIGINAL: problemchild
If they have a problem with that -- anything that might even hint at kink -- they've just told me the relationship doesn't have much soul mate potential. The relationship will continue, but I'm already starting to look around. You'd be surprised, though, these days, how many people do want to do something kinky.

Also what the eff is "soul mate potential"?

< Message edited by Elipsis -- 9/18/2009 4:36:51 PM >

(in reply to problemchild)

Post #: 19

RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest - 9/18/2009 7:20:36 PM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

Being in a relationship involves being honest with yourself and accepting yourself for who you really are and sharing this with the other person.

If you cannot be yourself with the other person then they're not the right person for you.

If you feel that you need to be with the person at the expense of being completely yourself then you are not the right person for them.

Loneliness is bad enough when it's one person and you're on your own, without making it much worse by being in a relationship too.

_____________________________

CM's Resident Lyricist
also Facebook
http://stella.baker.tripod.com/
50NZpoints
Q2
Simply Q

(in reply to tosparkle)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Telling a partner of your D/s interest

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094