Telling a partner of your D/s interest

Telling a partner of your D/s interest (Full Version)

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tosparkle -> Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 9:18:26 AM)
I'd like to hear from anyone that has a suggestion on telling your partner about your D/s interest and in finding a way to opening the roads of communication about BDSM. What is a good beginning point to start from?....I need help in making another understand my interest and the positive influence it can have on a relationship. Thanks in advance for any help.......

mnottertail -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 9:19:49 AM)
a book perhaps? when someone you love is kinky...

leadership527 -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 9:28:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tosparkle I'd like to hear from anyone that has a suggestion on telling your partner about your D/s interest and in finding a way to opening the roads of communication about BDSM. What is a good beginning point to start from?....I need help in making another understand my interest and the positive influence it can have on a relationship. Thanks in advance for any help....... Uh.... this is your partner we're talking about right? That is to say, someone with whom you are allied? If so, then I am missing why you just don't speak your mind. Do you, yourself, believe that your interest, whatever it is, can have a positive influence on the relationship? If so, why? One thing I'd note. The kink-world has chosen terminology and imagery both that are, apparently, deliberately selected to be offensive to as many people as possible (gotta keep the counter-culture street cred going and all). I would avoid using the buzz words like "master" and "slave" and just talk about the dynamic and what you hope to achieve from it.

DesFIP -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 10:06:54 AM)
I would just open up. However just as you feel this would be a good thing for you, please note that your partner may have equal reason to feel it would be a bad thing for him. Meaning, if he doesn't like it, that's his choice. Your choice is to decide what you need and what you have to do for you. I am curious as to why you got into a relationship without this which you apparently need to have a good relationship. Because he fell in love with the woman who claimed to want an equal power relationship.

tosparkle -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 10:24:33 AM)
I don't know where the ice cream cone came from and I don't know how to remove it......I should have specified that I was seeking information for a friend...I'm not currently in a relationship and when I find someone they will know of my interests....

SomethingCatchy -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 10:28:33 AM)
This is no different than talking to your partner about other things. If you have problems actually talking, then I suggest you get some help, maybe read a few self help books, and work on your communication skills before you attempt to confuse someone about BDSM. If you are capable of talking, take a deep breath, tell them you've got something to say, and just say it.

thishereboi -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 10:29:29 AM)
nm

mnottertail -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 10:34:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tosparkle I don't know where the ice cream cone came from and I don't know how to remove it......I should have specified that I was seeking information for a friend...I'm not currently in a relationship and when I find someone they will know of my interests.... you see the gold thing on my post that shouts? Click it. Ron

BKSir -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 10:42:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy This is no different than talking to your partner about other things. If you have problems actually talking, then I suggest you get some help, maybe read a few self help books, and work on your communication skills before you attempt to confuse someone about BDSM. If you are capable of talking, take a deep breath, tell them you've got something to say, and just say it. I have to somewhat agree here. You are an adult, and hoping to get into a relationship with another adult. Two things are at play here. The first being that, yes, both adults, thus, you should be able to talk with eachother like adults, and not pussyfoot around the issue like a couple of children. The second is that if you are hoping to be in a relationship with someone you need to communicate, openly and honestly. That requires a level of trust. If you can't trust eachother to be open and honest with your wants and needs, and end up bottling them up, the relationship is going to fail anyway, period. Simply open your mouth and say it. What is there to be afraid of? So you find someone you really like, and he/she seems to like you, but you bring that up and that person says "No, not my cup of tea." Guess what. GOOD! You just wasted an evening, or maybe a week of their time instead of getting into a relationship and keeping all of this inside for years and everything going tits up then, and you've just wasted a couple years of both of your time. Or, he/she might say "Hey! I totally dig the idea!" Great! Now you have something even more in common to build on and you're not both sitting there wondering about it. A hack writer back in ancient times said, "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." Makes sense, ne? ;)

AvidRunner -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 11:15:19 AM)
As someone who generally dates vanilla people more than kinky people....it really depends on what you're ultimately looking for. For me, my interests centers around SM play and light bondage, and it's really not too difficult to get vanilla men interested in experimenting with such things either as a top or a bottom. It's relatively non-threatening and looked upon as "good old fashioned sexual experimentation" by most of them. Mind you, not every vanilla will be interested in that, but I tend to be good at vetting men out and finding those that may at this point in my life - so much so that the only reason that I really look for those involved already in BDSM is skill level. If you're looking for more "fringish" type activities or looking to get into something more power-exchange-oriented - those inclinations are a lot fewer and farther in between, and I think you may have better luck hitting the lottery than finding a vanilla who will whole heartedly embrace the activities that you just happen to enjoy. Better off trying to find someone who knows they are kinky in the first place.

Acer49 -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 11:15:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tosparkle I don't know where the ice cream cone came from and I don't know how to remove it......I should have specified that I was seeking information for a friend...I'm not currently in a relationship and when I find someone they will know of my interests.... It is tied to the number of posts you have to post about 102 in oder to change it

LaTigresse -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 11:18:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail a book perhaps? when someone you love is kinky... I was just trying to think of the name of this book. Thank you.

Acer49 -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 12:36:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tosparkle I'd like to hear from anyone that has a suggestion on telling your partner about your D/s interest and in finding a way to opening the roads of communication about BDSM. What is a good beginning point to start from?....I need help in making another understand my interest and the positive influence it can have on a relationship. Thanks in advance for any help....... Get your friend a book, maybe the loving Dominant Maybe rent a good BDSM video and judge his/her reaction You could have her write out a letter explaining all the things he/she likes and why she likes them and then they could talk about it

littlewonder -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 2:01:13 PM)
Just tell them? For me it's always been quite easy. I choose men who are dominant in personality to begin with so it's not that far a stretch. They are men who like to be in control, who enjoy taking the lead in life. As for the kinky sex..yeah, never had that problem. I've always found most people have some kind of kink. It's just finding someone who matches yours. Just tell him what you enjoy. If you can't communicate all with your partner, really, what kind of relationship do you really have?

problemchild -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 2:34:27 PM)
I think I know where you're coming from, and, with all due respect to some of the others, I'm not sure they do. I've had girlfriends who I "opened up to" about being a submissive and they dumped me shortly after that. However, you're in a different situation because you want to play the traditional submissive role. What I do these days is "accidentally" leave the computer on a kinky site. At some point, in one way or another, they inevitably ask if I'm "into that stuff.." You can tell a lot by how they ask, even the tone of voice. If they seem very negative, I just say no, not at all, I was just checking out the freaks. But otherwise, I tell them that I was just checking it out, and that I find it interesting. In terms of whether or not I'd like to do it, it would depend on just what we'd be doing. Some of the stuff seems, really, completely harmless and might be fun. If they have a problem with that -- anything that might even hint at kink -- they've just told me the relationship doesn't have much soul mate potential. The relationship will continue, but I'm already starting to look around. You'd be surprised, though, these days, how many people do want to do something kinky.

theRose4U -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 2:41:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tosparkle I'd like to hear from anyone that has a suggestion on telling your partner about your D/s interest and in finding a way to opening the roads of communication about BDSM. What is a good beginning point to start from?....I need help in making another understand my interest and the positive influence it can have on a relationship. Thanks in advance for any help....... I would guess that the "how" depends on your relationship: 1) how involved are you? 2)how open are you in your relation ship about things you feel and think...especially in bed? 3) are their any hints of your partners potential "counter culture"?...in my case nipple rings have tipped me off that I wasn't dealing with the average bear. Tugging and light torture filled me in before hearing the whisper of "oh god mistress" that gave them away. 4) have you given them any hints like "I really like it when you do___"? How did they respond? It all depends on how you communicate with your partner. There are hints even in vanilla sex of someones kink nature and for me, it can make or break a relationship. YMMV

DesFIP -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 3:06:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: problemchild If they have a problem with that -- anything that might even hint at kink -- they've just told me the relationship doesn't have much soul mate potential. The relationship will continue, but I'm already starting to look around. You'd be surprised, though, these days, how many people do want to do something kinky. So instead of telling them the truth and allowing them to tell you that you aren't compatible, you prefer to lie to them until such a time as you can dump them. The relationship ends either way, so why manipulate them? Besides while you're looking for someone to jump ship to, the someone you're hoping will take you on is likely to cross you off their list because you are in a relationship and they don't poach.

problemchild -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 4:22:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP quote: ORIGINAL: problemchild If they have a problem with that -- anything that might even hint at kink -- they've just told me the relationship doesn't have much soul mate potential. The relationship will continue, but I'm already starting to look around. You'd be surprised, though, these days, how many people do want to do something kinky. So instead of telling them the truth and allowing them to tell you that you aren't compatible, you prefer to lie to them until such a time as you can dump them. The relationship ends either way, so why manipulate them? Besides while you're looking for someone to jump ship to, the someone you're hoping will take you on is likely to cross you off their list because you are in a relationship and they don't poach. Because I might have feelings for them. Relationships aren't all about sex. At least mine aren't. And also because I might not want to hurt them but rather let them down easy over time. I don't want to say, "Well, you don't like what I like sexually, so it's over." Besides, if we're having fun, why the hell dump them? Something better might not come along for quite a while. As long as I'm not stringing them along with hopes that we're working toward something permanent, I don't see anything wrong with looking around at all. And there's always the possibility that we actually are sexually compatible. Some women have a strong dominant side that they actually think they're not supposed to have so they supress it. Even when submission is offered to them on a golden platter, they turn it down initially because they think women aren't supposed to like that.

Elipsis -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 4:32:21 PM)
You could be silly and suggestive and make BDSM type jokes... why not just straight up just tell them what you're into and ask them if they'd be down for it? edit: quote: problemchild quote: ORIGINAL: problemchild If they have a problem with that -- anything that might even hint at kink -- they've just told me the relationship doesn't have much soul mate potential. The relationship will continue, but I'm already starting to look around. You'd be surprised, though, these days, how many people do want to do something kinky. Also what the eff is "soul mate potential"?

stella41b -> RE: Telling a partner of your D/s interest (9/18/2009 7:20:36 PM)
Being in a relationship involves being honest with yourself and accepting yourself for who you really are and sharing this with the other person. If you cannot be yourself with the other person then they're not the right person for you. If you feel that you need to be with the person at the expense of being completely yourself then you are not the right person for them. Loneliness is bad enough when it's one person and you're on your own, without making it much worse by being in a relationship too.

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