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RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 2/28/2006 10:10:32 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Indeed.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 2/28/2006 10:39:57 PM   
SimplyV


Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

i since learned my worth as a person, a woman, a slave. i left my husband, who still does not understand why. i found myself again, and found my strength. i learned that what i have needed was to submit, yes, but that submission - when in capable hands - brings so much back in return. Through submitting the "right way" (and by this i mean not in an abusive environment), i found myself...my strength...my courage...my value. There is such freedom in the boundaries set for me. All those walls, developed over the years, began to crumble, and reveal the core that is me.

i was able to face my abuse with him. A belt is only evil in the wrong hands. A slap in the face only hurts when intended to hurt. And so on. i found myself looking and begging for the next demon to take on, until i faced all of them, cleansing myself of the pains i was carrying.

So there it is. And here i was just going to come to these boards to observe and not get involved.



Thanks for getting involved. Your story is very encouraging and I hope many more who have your past get the encouragement they need from it to pursue their own demons and find thier own happiness.

Your Dom is lucky to have you and you him. Wish you both the best.




(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 2/28/2006 11:48:54 PM   
champagnewishes


Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline 		My first and only encounter of abuse was at the hands of my now exhusband. Although his weapon of abuse was mainly emotional and mental, there were a few times it led to physical abuse, mainly due to the fact that i'm a stuffer. I would stuff my feelings until the time i could stuff no more and the minute he began verbalizing loudly, i was in his face.

I also was aware i was submissive before i married into a vanilla relationship.

I did not hesitate one second once the divorce was in place to find my way back into this lifestyle. It was a comfort zone that allowed me time to heal and grow as a person. It allowed me to be me. I came to the realization that i deserved so much more than being a punching bag for some man who was completely self centered, insecure and who had a problem with alcohol that he would never admit to. The very fact that he struck me out of anger showed the lack of control he had over his own emotions and screamed of his ability to think of himself first and foremost. But i was no saint myself in that regard. I was so miserable that i had long before turned off my emotions to avoid the mental and emotional pain. For him to hit me was the only way i ever "felt" anything. Living numb was really not living at all. But it was during this time that i explored new levels of pain that i did not know existed...all the time in a detached mode, if this makes sense.

I have had a couple D/s relationships since that time. With Men who are confident in their own skin. Men who put the good of a relationship before the fear of their shortcomings. Men, worthy of being called Dom, who appreciate the fact that i complete them. Doms who have showed me how to live and experience without detaching myself...through pain and pleasure. Doms who have kept me whole on so many different levels...without having to live behind a facade.

As for my ex, well he dragged me through the coals in a four year divorce that ended with me simply walking away from everything i loved, as well as all that i had worked hard over 15 years for. And all i can do is thank him, for it gave me the opportunity to have my life back....to live the way i choose to...and in the manner that i feel is best for me.

Thanks for the opportunity to share. Verbalizing my thoughts always makes me realize i could have it no other way.



_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.


(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 12:46:20 AM   
Dom4me2


Posts: 27
Joined: 2/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

How did you resolve the conflict that would naturally occur within yourself?

What did you realise?



I too was in an abusive vanilla relationship for many years.

In my abusive relationship I never knew what was expected from day to day…What was expected one day was not expected the next and so on. The rules constantly changed. So in my submissive mind, desiring to please and basically never being able to caused a great deal of confusion, chaos and pain. And then there were the times that he would NOT tell me what to do which further complicated my thoughts as then I lacked the direction that I so craved.

That relationship ended 6 years ago. I have known basically “forever” that I am submissive and have been involved in BDSM since my early 20’s though the D/s lifestyle is a concept that was introduced to me within the past couple of years. I am from a very small community where the D/s lifestyle is not accepted to say the least, so I turned to the internet and then to a munch group in a larger city near here where I could explore and learn and meet people that had the same desires and interests as I.

All that just to answer your question…LOL

For me, the conflict began to resolve itself when I found a Dom that was consistent and patient. Someone that realized that I was imperfect and appreciated me for the submissive I am. Someone that was not trying to make himself feel better by abusing me as my ex had done. And in time, “the walls began to crumble” as someone previously stated.

I have realized that the difference between an abusive relationship and a D/s relationship is really quite simple to me. To me a good D/s relationship will allow me to grow and build me up, help make me a better person - not beat me down and make me feel like a piece of shit.

This is a very interesting thread to me, thank you for posting it.


And just for the record...I was on here a week or so ago with a different profile name(iamready), but that profile had some issues and support could not resolve them for me so I deleted it and made this one.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 2:40:03 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		You brought up a good point Dom4me2, i hadnt really thought about it before, but its so true how you said about there is a consistancy within a D/s relationship..... whereas your always left wondering in an abusive relationship knowing that whatever you do you are probably going to fail and not live up to your partners changing demands. depending on their mood or frame of mind any given time. That was a good change for me too.

(in reply to Dom4me2)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 5:23:39 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		The very first things i noticed about my Master, and would point out to him, were his consistency and clarity. It made all the difference in the world. It took the guess-work away. i would comment on it and he would say, "Why wouldn't I be clear? Why would I make you guess? If you have to guess, you might be wrong, and then you would not succeed. Why would I set you up to fail?"'

What a different approach than what i was accustomed to!

SimplyV, thank you for your comment. i had written all that out and almost deleted it.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 6:13:27 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		While I don't have anything personal to add to the thread, I will thank Jali for an excellent post and question. Far too often I see subs and doms who come into this simply as a way to justify and repeat their abusive cycles and end up no happier than they were before. I only hope more do as Jali did, and learn to reconcile what works for them and become healthy.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 8:11:33 AM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline 		Girlie,


Your story was so moving, and I'm grateful you did not second guess yourself entirely in posting it here. It strikes me as amazing how you prevailed against so much negativity; one would think your psyche would have been reduced to a trembling mosquito by the time you met your true Master; that you were still able to seek out and believe in the archetype of a strong but caring owner after such repeated and negative affirmation is nothing short of astonishing. You are quite strong and dear.

Likewise, my deepest respect goes out to your Master; he is truly a brilliant man.






< Message edited by amayos -- 3/1/2006 8:27:12 AM >

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 8:27:38 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		When I had to start therapy I had a month or two where I was worried that I had become evil like the men who abused me -- I worried I was turning into an abuser like them.

I had a wonderful therapist who looked at me and said with complete conviction. "What was done to you as a child was abuse and rape. It had nothing to do with BDSM and what you desire with adults who consent to be with you." It made a huge difference and since my sexuality is directly tied to being dominant it was either realize her truth or stop with all my sexuality. (no, my therapist wasn't kinky, not even poly, just a wonderful therapist)

That said my past is probably the biggest reason why I'm so firm about informed consent and the ability of anyone to say "RED" and leave any type of relationship.

I think from experience, knowing others, and from my psych classes I've had that it is very easy to follow the abuser or victim models especially if we see/experience these when we are children. One of the things I've loved about the communities and individuals who've taught me and nurtured me about BDSM was the focus on mutual consent, learning, and being honorable -- that has no relationship to the abuse, the rapes, and the mental torture far to many of us survive. Seeing that difference is an amazingly empowering lesson; living by that difference is a positive ethical code in my opinion.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 8:57:31 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

He liked that i was imperfect.


Its something to find another who loves you "as you are" as oposed to how you should conform.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 9:12:56 AM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Thank you to ownedgirlie, Dom4me2, champagnewishes, submotive, slaveladyj, and slavejali for sharing so much of yourselves with us. Thank you.

Congratulations on finding your way to a healthy self image and understanding of your needs and wants. The road to self awareness is not usually an easy one, but definitely worthwhile.

Your strength and courage are an example to all.

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 9:41:10 AM   
MsIncognito


Posts: 742
Joined: 5/24/2005
Status: offline 		The difference is consent, plain and simple.

Take, for example, the situation with the guy who wrote a "contract" for his wife that is in the news recently. His wife didn't consent therefore that situation is/was abusive and considered messed up. If the wife had gotten wet over the idea and consented and was happy in that kind of D/s structure then the majority of us would be applauding their ability to make a D/s relationship work.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

This is kinda something; but yet, not something.

Many things can be satisfied with a blowjob.....that is no more than life.

What is the difference between a strong man and an abusive man?

Knowing why you are being hit?
Or knowing why you should be, but were'nt?
Or hitting you and then having a long discussion about why that had to be?
Or never hitting you and telling you why you should have been?

Or????????

Or????????
Ron

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 9:59:10 AM   
caitlyn


Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline 		What's disconcerting, at least to me, is how close a lifestyle experience can feel to bad experiences in the past. I'm not sure I can even tell one from the other.

Even more disconcerting is the way it feels later ... maybe subdrop, maybe masking feeling that should probably just be dealt with, or maybe just lying to myself to think that this is "enjoyable" ... who really can know such things.

Most disconcerting of all, is that feeling of being drawn towards the light. When you are trying to be strong, it makes you feel weak. If you ignore it, you feel vacant ... sort of "Don't you wish you were dead like me?" ... to quote a popular song.

Sorry, I don't have the nerve to tell my story ... that there is one, will have to do. I really admire those that can. It's probably a very healthy thing to do.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 10:17:07 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: caitlyn

What's disconcerting, at least to me, is how close a lifestyle experience can feel to bad experiences in the past. I'm not sure I can even tell one from the other.

Even more disconcerting is the way it feels later ... maybe subdrop, maybe masking feeling that should probably just be dealt with, or maybe just lying to myself to think that this is "enjoyable" ... who really can know such things.

Most disconcerting of all, is that feeling of being drawn towards the light. When you are trying to be strong, it makes you feel weak. If you ignore it, you feel vacant ... sort of "Don't you wish you were dead like me?" ... to quote a popular song.

Sorry, I don't have the nerve to tell my story ... that there is one, will have to do. I really admire those that can. It's probably a very healthy thing to do.


And guess what? You just took a huge step in that direction.

*HUG* if you can accept one from me.


_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to caitlyn)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 10:32:34 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		You mean you're not the ex husband here?

(in reply to amayos)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 6:18:42 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

how close a lifestyle experience can feel to bad experiences in the past. I'm not sure I can even tell one from the other.


Wow Caitlyn. What a painfully honest, and possibly unpopular, statement. I like.

While I am fortunate enough not to have a slew of bad expereinces for comparision, I do understand the sturggle to try and determine if I actually "like" an experience. I often get a vague, detached "that is kind of interesting" sensation more than anything. And sometimes I really question what exactly am I getting out of this.

(in reply to caitlyn)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 6:26:33 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		Dear slavejali,

I did like you. I came home to my true needs and wants after ending a SM relationship that had gone weird for me in a similar way. I took time to heal, and I took time to see what I had done and contributed to what did not work in the relationship.

I saw that I stepped over a lot of dealbreakers, and finally my disgust with self over not standing up for myself, I projected onto him. That was how my mind cooked up that the BDSM was a bad thing.

It was just no longer good that he was the one providing it.

Once I got out and got perspective, I returned to my heart.

Move slow if you need to. You can take your time walking the road back.

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to Sensualips)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 6:31:55 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

i fell off my pedestal. Landed hard. He saw imperfections. A perfectionist does not like imperfections. He would point them out. To help. Constantly. i would try harder. He deserved it, after all, because he loved me unconditionally....right? Damn, but i kept failing. i would have to explain myself to someone who did not understand imperfection, and pains, and baggage. Sometimes i would have to explain all night, until morning, not allowed sleep, because i wasn't explaining well enough.



ownedgirlie,

Thank you for sharing your story. In my opinion, it takes great strength to be vulnerable. Vulnerabilty is a trait that I deeply admire.

This part that I quoted has touched me deeply and has given me deeper insight into myself. The perfectionist that I lived with was a parent and I have deeply rooted behavior patterns as a result that impact my intimate relationships. My biggest fear is that if I am not perfect they will stop loving me... Your words today have helped me take another step in resolving this issue.

Thank you again.

Knight's kyra




_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 9:03:52 PM   
Crazytwice


Posts: 145
Joined: 11/28/2005
From: North of Boston
Status: offline 		Dear ownedgirlie,

Such courage and candor to share your personal pain and then ultimate enlightenment and finding your place. I hope you dance for the rest of your days.

With thanks and admiration,
CT



_____________________________

"If you build it, he will come"
~Field of Dreams~

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/1/2006 9:54:51 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you to those who commented to my post, both here and privately. Amayos, you were dead-on about my condition when Master found me. He is indeed brilliant. i have told him that. He says, "I know I am dear, but I also had good raw material to work with." :)

Crazytwice - what a fantastic wish!!

kyra, i was certain of the same at one point. But the love that was always taken from us? That wasn't really love. It was someone else's warped version of it, but real love stays the course.

It can be as painful to heal as it was to be hurt in the first place. There is light on the other side. Never lose hope.

(in reply to amayos)
Profile   Post #: 40
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