RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission

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RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/7/2006 4:41:26 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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sophia and thetammyjo, i hope you dont mind me asking this question, but it arose for me, so I'm asking....i mean no offense whatsoever. This is it....ugh

With taking on a Dominant role after being involved in an abusive relationship, do you thnk you are just safeguarding yourself, self preservation by making sure your in control now? If not, what makes you so sure of that? and if so, how do you process that within yourself? What makes it a conscious choice for you?

Thankyou for sharing your stories btw, they gave a new angle I hadnt thought about.

quote:

Ok.. took me a week and at least 6 attempts to post to this thread.

Thanks for posting BitaTruble. I have trouble connecting with anger..sometimes I dont know if thats a bad or good thing. My usual process is I withdraw and cry if and when I'm upset...one of the few times I can recall being angry I threw something, like a glass against a wall, I think that came from frustration more than anything. Other times I have felt like screaming but I cant bring myself to do it.

Thanks again to everyone who is posting to this.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

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Post #: 81

RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/7/2006 2:22:43 PM

SimplyV

Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

sophia and thetammyjo, i hope you dont mind me asking this question, but it arose for me, so I'm asking....i mean no offense whatsoever. This is it....ugh

With taking on a Dominant role after being involved in an abusive relationship, do you thnk you are just safeguarding yourself, self preservation by making sure your in control now? If not, what makes you so sure of that? and if so, how do you process that within yourself? What makes it a conscious choice for you?

Well I'm not Tammyjo or Sophia.. but from my perspective.. Yes.. Choosing Domme can be a way to ensure that you never get hurt again. Is that the main motivation for me? Not really. I like it. There is a comfort in it.. a naturalness to me.. an amazing joy in it.. an amazing arousal.. There is also healing in it. Knowing that you have someone else's life, health, safety in your hands.. and you could abuse them.. and you choose not to.. Its healing. It makes you better than those that abused you. Its a confidence of self-control. It gives you self-respect. You know for certain that you are worthy, not just because your sub looks at you with adoring eyes, but because your actions make you worthy.

I know the darkness that feeds my sadistic side. I know that river runs deep and I know from experience that I can harness it. I can let it out to play and reign it in. That alone gives me more pride than anything.

There is also an amazing love in it for me. Knowing that who I am.. what I do.. is causing someone else joy and bliss.. and sometimes a much needed stability. Knowing that there was a time for me.. that I needed that too.. and being able to provide it for someone else.. is an overwhelming feeling of joy. Having that someone accept me for who I am.. the WHOLE me.. not just the parts that suit them.. is the most amazing thing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

quote:

Ok.. took me a week and at least 6 attempts to post to this thread.

Thanks for posting BitaTruble. I have trouble connecting with anger..sometimes I dont know if thats a bad or good thing. My usual process is I withdraw and cry if and when I'm upset...one of the few times I can recall being angry I threw something, like a glass against a wall, I think that came from frustration more than anything. Other times I have felt like screaming but I cant bring myself to do it.

*laughs* Nearly everyone who has ever met me in rl.. has been afraid to piss me off. People don't normally do it. My best friend for 10 yrs has been afraid to piss me off. Come to think of it.. I'm not sure she's ever seen me really really mad.

I having coping mechanisms in place so I don't ever get there. There are a few times that I have and mostly frustration.. but I tend to break down and cry as well. Its either break down and cry.. or lash out. And I'd rather cry than see what happens when I let go violently.

Here is my process when getting upset.
1. I recognize that I'm getting upset to myself.
2. I tell the other person. "I'm getting upset by this, please stop" or something similar. Its a warning. If they persist, which the first time they usually do after that they realize I'm being kind by giving them a warning and they back off/calm down.. and we reapproach the problem.
3. If they continue, I will close off. Backoff. Withdrawl. And stop talking. (I'm told this tends to look like a teapot building up steam)
4. If they still persist, I will remain silent and walk away. I am usually so angry I am unable to form words. (Most don't follow me, I have had a few that do)
5. If they follow, They usually get a "look".. (I'm told its a very good death ray)
6. If all this fails.. and they keep pushing me to respond.. I will start shouting (usually nonsense), and then comes the uncontrollable crying. I will cry and cry and cry for usually an hour, until I have no more energy to cry. (at step #6, I am very volitile and words do not usually come to me. It is a personal choice to cry rather than decking someone, though if pushed I probably would)

V

(in reply to slavejali)

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Post #: 82

RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/7/2006 2:29:00 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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quote:

Knowing that there was a time for me.. that I needed that too.. and being able to provide it for someone else.. is an overwhelming feeling of joy. Having that someone accept me for who I am.. the WHOLE me.. not just the parts that suit them.. is the most amazing thing.

I really liked that...and thanks for responding to those questions SimplyV..what you said made sense to me.

(in reply to slavejali)

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Post #: 83

RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/26/2006 4:01:42 AM

SuspiciousSub

Posts: 5
Joined: 12/13/2005
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well that amazes me!!! again one of those things that you think is only happening to me, lol after reading your story i just sat here and smiled, having been where you have been and feeling the same sick puppy thoughts that you felt, and even today though i am open re the lifestyle i live, i get asked on a regular basis how can' you come from abuse to bdsm, my answer is always the same,
there is a big difference between safe sane and consentual and finding pleasure in mutual desires
to being beaten with mallice and anger and the deliberate attempt to mame, not just hurt but to mame, physically and emotionally.

and there is no subspace with abuse any more than there is aftercare,

it took me many years to get it together and realise who and what i was, but as soon as i did, it made a lot of the missing pieces of the puzzle come together, it didnt mean i stayed with my husband because i enjoyed the abuse, but it made me understand that i did stay because of the submissive within, it made a lot of things fall in to place and make sense to me.
smiles
suss

(in reply to mnottertail)

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Post #: 84

RE: Going from abuse to conscious slavery/submission - 3/26/2006 4:05:01 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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Welcome to the forums suspicious and thanks for sharing, it was an interesting topic hey