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My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 6:33:42 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		Well, I've finally reached that breaking point that all of humanity has somewhere within them, and come to a couple of decisions based on that fact.  As soon as I can find one that I can afford to pay for, dad is going back in a nursing facility.  And right now, I'm pretty much to the point of figuring he can damned well rot there until he finally gives up and dies.
 
Dad has had it laid out for him bluntly - what the options are, what each of the options will cost in terms of both finances and Emotional Stability.  I've explained to him - in terms that even a 5 year old could understand - that on the financial level there's no significant difference between the two options - him staying home, or him going back into a nursing facility.  He knows that the only real Difference is my emotional health, my capacity to continue dealing with things by myself.
 
Dad also laid it out for ME rather bluntly - stating that he honestly doesn't care what the financial - OR EMOTIONAL - cost is, that he wants to stay home, and if I have to kill myself to do so, then as far as he's concerned that's what "should" happen.  It's not that he doesn't Understand what's going on, that I'm already running on the ragged edge - I told him that outright, that I'm already about ready for the nut hut from putting up with his constant demands, whining, and not giving a shit what the physical, emotional, or financial cost is as long as he gets exactly what he wants when he wants it even if it's something he's been told time and time again he can't have.  It's that he honestly doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything other than Himself - his own comforts, his own demands,  his own desires - and to hell with the rest of us unless we're in the process of meeting those demands, reasonable or not.
 
I'll admit - part of the decision is pure spite.  I'm so pissed off about him not giving a shit about anyone except himself that I frankly WANT to do this.  Hell, at this point I'm going to ENJOY doing what he Least wants done - which is to move him back into a nursing facility and have done with it.  Oddly enough, I'm finding that I have no qualms about making the "right" decision for the "wrong" reasons.  I can't Physically do a lot of what he needs done on a weekly basis - I'm not a nurse, I'm not a home health aide, I don't have the training or the mindset to be either one.  Despite what he Wants - placing him is in his best interests - it's where he'll get the level of care he continues to need, which I can't personally provide for him, and that is all the socialworker will look at.  She won't look at my motivation, or what I gain out of it (what's left of my sanity) or anything beyond what's going to provide him with the highest level of care possible. She'll quit breathing down my neck to convince me this is the 'best option.'  Hell, she'll quit breathing down my neck at all - after all, she'll have gotten what she's been aiming for for 5 months now.
 
So...... as soon as I find a new nursing home for him, I'm DONE.  It's my equivalant to saying "I Quit - I refuse to be the only responcible member of this family any longer, and I Absolutely Refuse to be the only one who bothers to think about the cost to anyone but themselves!"

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 6:37:54 AM   
LaTigresse


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Status: offline 		Peachy..........It is the best option. You are doing the right thing. No guilt.

Many hugs for you.

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 6:45:08 AM   
FelineFae


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Status: offline 		It can be so difficult. There are people in life that are blinded in their needs. They can't see that they hurt the very people trying to help them.
We try to help when they cross our paths, even if it hurts us to do so. Then comes the hard part, you realize; You can't save them all.
i wish you strength through this difficult time- fae

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 6:46:06 AM   
Rule


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Status: offline 		Okay.

Perhaps you ought to eat more fish? Fish is good for the brains. And put some trays of healthy nuts and soothing liquorice about the house? And let him have his cigarettes, of course: a smoking man is a satisfied man.

Best wishes.

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 6:51:59 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Whern my father in law was dying, at 86, he flatly refused to have a nurse help his wife. No assistance was permitted. She was depressed and worn out for almost five years after. She nursed him at home for about four years, only the long term housekeeper was allowed in a couple of times a week. Her only respite going to the grocery store, and even then he would call and want to know when she would be back. Shortly after his death her health took a downwards turn and I believe it was due to the stress and the depression from being the sole caregiver.

If you have enough money to have home health aides in on a daily basis, then you might consider that instead. That way you would get the respite you so desperately need, and he would get the care he needs at home. But you killing yourself will still end up with him back in a nursing home.

My father understands stuff in the moment, but he can't relate it to a long term. Nor can he remember it ten minutes later. Yet the courts still consider him cognitively capable of taking care of himself despite the fact that when he was in charge of his own life, people stole money from him, he drank himself into a stupor daily, and walked in front of cars. He doesn't understand the totality of it.

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 7:04:19 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

Dad also laid it out for ME rather bluntly - stating that he honestly doesn't care what the financial - OR EMOTIONAL - cost is, that he wants to stay home, and if I have to kill myself to do so, then as far as he's concerned that's what "should" happen. It's not that he doesn't Understand what's going on, that I'm already running on the ragged edge - I told him that outright, that I'm already about ready for the nut hut from putting up with his constant demands, whining, and not giving a shit what the physical, emotional, or financial cost is as long as he gets exactly what he wants when he wants it even if it's something he's been told time and time again he can't have. It's that he honestly doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything other than Himself - his own comforts, his own demands, his own desires - and to hell with the rest of us unless we're in the process of meeting those demands, reasonable or not.
Wow. Just wow Rhi. I swear to God this is the exact situation i was in with my dad. This is unreal to me how similar the situations are.

I HAD to. I HAD to Rhi. He weighed 300 pounds and i had tendon damage in both arms. He did not care. I was going nuts..literally losing my mind from being away from my home and isolated in a one bedroom apt. He did not care.  I could go on and on here but this is not about me, it is about you. I just want you to know i have been where you are.

The decision was made on the day i dropped him during a transfer and he landed on top of me. A three hundred pound man on my chest meant i could not breath. He did not care. I did not care that he did not care. I was done.

Please...let me give you one piece of advice here. Do this NOW. If the nursing home does not have placement, call his PCP and tell him what the situation is. The PCP can have your dad admitted to a hospital under a bogus diagnosis, then transferred to a nursing home from there. The hospital social workers will take over and get it done.

If you have him admitted to a nursing home from his home, do not tell him when it will be. And DO NOT BE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS!!! You have taken all the abuse any single person can take. You cannot handle any more. You might think you can, but trust me Rhi....seeing him taken out of the home on that last day will haunt you forever. Do not do it to yourself.

I want so badly to hug you right now honey.




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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 7:18:30 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		LaT - I manaaged to set aside any possibility of feeling Guilty when he bluntly told me that he didn't care if it drove me to the bring of suicide emotionally, or to living on the streets financially - as long as he gets what he wants, that's all that "should" matter to me.  That One Sentence out of him was sufficient to push me over the edge from being a "dutiful" daughter into honestly not giving a flying flip at this point whether he lives through the day to see tomorrow.  It also drove me to the point of telling him that if he bangs on the walls Even One More Time - JUST ONCE - I'm going to take his cane away and snap it into several little pieces and then throw them at him.
 
Des - I would go the route of having an aide in daily, for at least a little while - but none of the home health companies will even Consider sending someone out for less than a 3 hour time slot.  At least, that's what I'll get Billed for, whether they're here for 30 minutes or the full 3 hours.  Which adds up to about the same as putting him in a nursing home, financially.  Back in Jan/Feb I had an aide coming in 2 days a week for 3 hours at a time, and it was costing me almost $300 a week.  He refused to eat meals, regardless of whether it was mealtime, until I was home and the aide had left.  He would cuss them out and be Exceptionally abusive towards them - which meant that none of them were willing to take the assignment for more than a couple of days.  Even with the aide from Hospice - he's been consistantly verbally abusive towards her, cussed her out for doing her job, cussed me out for allowing her to do her job, cussed me out for not "bucking up" and doing her job myself (despite being Very aware that I'm not Trained to do her job!)  I'm not inclined to expect a new set of aides to put up with that sort of crap from him - nor to continue putting up with it myself.
 
Holly - I've already decided that I'm not going to be doing the whole transfer thing by myself.  What I will most likely do is set up non-emergency transport to the nursing facility and then tell dad I have to "go run errands" while the roomie stays here to let in the transport folks.  I'll definately take the day beforehand, or perhaps several days beforehand, to go to the facility and fill out any necessary paperwork so I don't have to be on hand that specific day.  And if push comes to shove, and that's the only option I have (taking him myself) ..... I know what I'll end up doing.  I'll take him to the nursing home, tell him I'm taking respite, and then leave - and let THEM explain to him that I'm Not coming back in 5 or 6 days to pick him up - that it's simply where he's going to be living. You're definately right that I've reached my limits.  I've admitted it to myself - which is actually the difficult part - and I've admitted it to him (not that he gave a shit) - and Monday Morning I'm calling his social worker and telling her that the time has come, that I can't do it any longer, and that I want her help finding a placement for him that I can afford and not end up living on the street myself to pay for.  She'll either help or she won't - but either way, I WILL find a placement for him, and that Will be the end of things for me.  I let this go to long - and I have no one to blame but myself for that.  I should have moved him back into a nursing home a couple of months ago, but with him still on hospice at that point, I kept telling myself that I could hold out a little while longer.   I refuse to lie to Myself any longer, telling myself that I can keep doing this - because I can't.  I gave it my best shot.  I gave him some extra time at home that he wouldn't have had otherwise.  I've done all I can for him, now it's time to let someone Else do for Him, and for me to start doing for Me.

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 8:25:13 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Rhi, HUGS and all my love and support!!  There comes a point when you cannot deal on your own without destroying yourself, and I am glad that you see that time has come. 

Hols---dingaDANG, you did transfers on your dad?  Criminy just moving my 85 pound grandma was a challenge, and she was convinced she could help me move her!

I can only speak for myself here, but looking at my past time on Planet Caregiver, and what the future holds for me, there are things that we CANNOT do on our own.  I have my share of mad medical skillz that I picked up, I am (reasonably) still able to lift and stuff, but we all need a respite time.  No matter how often we remind ourselves that no one wants to be sick, we can't do everything for everyone. 

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 9:27:20 AM   
sirsholly


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From: Quietville
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quote:

I've done all I can for him, now it's time to let someone Else do for Him, and for me to start doing for Me.
the courage it took to reach this decision is amazing.

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 9:38:24 AM   
LaTigresse


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

quote:

I've done all I can for him, now it's time to let someone Else do for Him, and for me to start doing for Me.
the courage it took to reach this decision is amazing.


Yes it is.

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 10:24:47 AM   
purepleasure


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From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		My mother was diagnosed with cancer in July of '07, and INSISTED that she would be cared for at home, not go to a hospice, and would eventually die at home. She died in November of '07.

Her wishes were carried out, but 2 years later, I still have not recovered from the stress, emotionally, physically, and financially, she and her illness caused. I wish I would have had the balls to put her in a nursing facility or hospice. Do NOT feel guilty by doing what is best for everyone involved.

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 10:37:31 AM   
krikket


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From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline 		Sending you lots of good thoughts, Rhi.  i too know from experience how difficult it is to be put in this kind of position by our parents/spouse.  One tiny piece of advice, if i may.  Please make sure he isn't given access (easy or otherwise) to a phone.  my mother actually received permission from her nursing home to have a bedside phone installed, and it was just about the end of me.  i finally said something to her doctors and nurses, and suddenly, the thing just stopped working one day. 

hugs to one very strong lady. :)

krikket

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 10:38:42 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
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Status: offline 		Good luck, my grandma took care of her husband for years when he was sick, even though he needed a nursing home, he demanded she keep him at home and care for him hand and foot day in and day out, and it really robbed a lot from her, She never went anywhere never did anything never had friends over because her entire life, her entire day was taking care of her husband. Protecting yourself now is the best thing you can do, for your sanity, for your health and your well being.


< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 9/19/2009 10:44:33 AM >

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 10:41:37 AM   
everhope


Posts: 2179
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Status: offline 		i had to have my mentally ill mother placed in a SNF. i was in my last semester of nursing school and i would not have made it to graduation had we continued as it was. sometimes there is no other choice. i  felt guilty at first, but i lived with it.
you have my empathy, peach.   

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 10:48:11 AM   
hlen5


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Status: offline 		Hizgeorgiapeach,

I've read your posts about being your Dad's primary caretaker. I think you have gone above and beyond what many might do. You can rest easy in the knowledge that your gave your best to his care. You shouldn't feel guilty.

My Mom had cancer (diagnosis at stage 4 and death within 6 months). Even with 2 sisters all pitching in and our brother coming up every weekend (2+ hour drive) it was a drain on all of us. Our catered-to and narcissistic father made it so much more difficult. I dread when he has to be cared for. If the sibs and I can put even part of the effort you have put into taking care of your Dad, we'll manage.

You have done all you could. Take care of yourself. 

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 10:57:57 AM   
ThatDamnedPanda


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Status: offline 		Peach, it's clearly no  longer a question of whether it's the right thing or the wrong thing to do. It's the only thing for you to do, no matter whether you wanted to keep him at home or not. Do what you know you need to do, and please don't beat up on yourself over it. Because you simply no longer had any other choice.

Good luck, to you and your family. I hope it all  ends as peacefully as possible for everyone concerned.


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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 2:01:03 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Financially we have the money for full time caregivers. He was horrible to the ones from the agency in the beginning. Antidepressents later, he became more amenable. But he doesnt require that much physical care, It's mainly just making sure he doesn't wander out since he probably wouldn't remember his address.

We're changing caregivers again, but he's known this one for a long time. She wasn't available before except part time. Now that she is, it's a great relief off of all of us.

The Man suggested I make such modifications to the house that we could take care of him. There is no possible way I can survive that. Being at his beck and call every minute with no respite, and unable to run my kid around, see his games,  allow him to have friends over is a nightmare not a life.

Definitely be out when the transport comes. And then go to a spa and indulge yourself. It's long past due.
The only thing I will say is that if he were the father you once knew, he wouldn't say he didn't care if you died doing this. Keep in mind that mentally he isn't the same man, the one who loved you wouldn't want this.

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 4:47:57 PM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		krikit - dad Thinks (note I said THINKS) he's getting a cell phone on my cell account again.  I learned the hard way the Last time he was in a nursing home that absolutely under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do I allow him one this time.  He drove me batty with it last time, calling anywhere from 4 to 27 times in a single day.  Yes, that's right - 27 times, single 14 hour period - because he was Bored, and thought that I was somehow supposed to be able to Fix that, even though he refused my suggestions of going and getting involved in any of the number of activities they had available.  He also had his own TV in his room - so he didn't have to watch what someone else was watching if he didn't want to, had a DVD player in there in case he wanted to watch a movie rather than whatever was on, a decent stereo system and plenty of CDs and Tapes of music he liked And recorded CDs from his church sent every week of the sermon given that sunday, and any book he happened to ask for or that I happened to stumble across and decide he might enjoy.  Didn't make one lickshit of difference, if calling gave him an excuse to bitch at me about something or make a demand.  Him having a cell phone also makes it far to easy for my brother to set up prime conditions for me to get harassed to give him money even though he knows it isn't going to work.  I'm going to leave the nursing home under orders (Orders of the PoA) that no one is allowed to remove him from the facility except emergency personel to go to a hospital if there's need, or people that I specifically tell them are allowed to pick him up and take him places.  That should keep me from having to worry about my brother picking him up and taking him to cause more havok (like he did a couple of years ago, while dad was in the previous nursing home.)  And of course, if they ignore that and my brother Does manage to take dad somewhere and cause mischief again - I'll have the written order on file that should have prevented it, and a legal means of making someone pay for the mistake.
 
Guilt about coming to this decision is the Last thing I have to worry about at this point!  It's.... it's almost like a gigantic Weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I can suddenly Breath again, even knowing that the end is in sight, even if that End is some time probably in November or right at the beginning of December, so that I have time to make all the proper arrangements and get things set up to make the move.  There is Light at the end of the tunnel, and for a change it does Not look like the headlight of an oncoming train!   Roomie was about to move out of state, but has volunteered to put off the move until after I finish getting everything finished up and settled with dad, so that there's Someone else here to help out with part of it, to go in and deal with him when I'm ready to explode and scream at him, so that I actually get the time off at the end of October that I was Supposed to get via Respite thru Hospice but which got yanked out from under me.  (If it weren't for that, I'd be seriously contemplating just how much trouble I would be in if I simply left him on the doorstep of a hospital, like some seriously wigged out people do with newborns they feel they can't deal with!)
 
Panda - I'm looking forward to the Peace of having neither my father nor my brother to contend with for a while.  Since I don't plan on leaving a cell with dad (his memory isn't good enough to remember my cell Or landline #s without the electronic brain of the cell, thank the gods!) I won't have to worry about having him call and bitch constantly.  And since my brother's habit is only to call about once every 6 months when he wants money, and I just got finished with a round of telling him "No, I'm not going to do something stupid, expensive, and illegal to make your life easier" - I figure it'll probably be at least February or March before I hear from him again.  Provided dad doesn't come down with a Flu bug or catch Pnumonia from the winter weather during the next 4 months, forcing me to actually call Him rather than the other way around.  I fully expect to hear from the nursing home not long after he goes back in that he's pretty much given up on life - and ya know - I'm OK with that, where I wasn't not long ago.  Getting pushed past the point of insanity, and into a state where you can Honestly say "Ya know what - I Really Don't give a shit any more" is a very liberating thing when it comes right down to it.
 
I'll finally be back to having my place to myself - no dad, no roommates, no idiot brother - just me and the cats. Which means I can move the computer back into the office (which has been pulling duty as roomie's bedroom)...... and my art supplies back into the studio (which got converted into dad's bedroom)... and my workshop goes back to Only being a Workshop for my business - which I might actually manage to get back on track, since I've pretty much had it completely on hold for the past year while I dealt with dad.   YAY - I can go back to being a nudist at home, spreading out, not having everything all crammed together, not having to keep things in the fridge or freezer that I detest but someone else in the house insists on eatting, not having to set the thermostat to accomodate anyone but myself (which is gonna Seriously help with the electric bill - which in turn will decrease the stress level!) No more fight for space on the bathroom shelves, gods - no more fight just to get time to get a shower without being bitched at that I'm looking after a Necessity rather than waiting on someone else's whims 24/7!  No doing 7 times as much laundry, picking up after someone else, or getting constantly woken up at unghodly hours to deal with someone else's whining!  My stress levels will go down Significantly, and maybe - Just Maybe - they'll go down enough that I can actually Suceed in my attempt to quit smoking.  I'll definately be able to start eatting healthier again, with no one to worry about likes/dislikes other than myself - which means that some of the stress related weight I've put on over the past several months should start coming off.  And I'll be able to start my walking and gym routines again, rather than feeling guilty if I even step outside onto the back deck for a few minutes - which will Also help my health. 
 
Heck - I took a few hours today to leave the roomie here with dad so I could go out to the State Fair for a bit - managed to talk to a couple of people out there who run crafters' malls and such, and by doing so have found space in one of them to set up a permanent booth for my business to sell from.  That sort of dropping itself into my lap, when I've quite literally had to put my business on hold as much as the rest of my life, tells me that this is soooooo the right decision for me to have made.  At least, it would be a great confirmation if it weren't for the fact that this overwhelming sense of RELIEF at even the Prospect of not having him here weren't confirmation enough.

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RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 5:16:36 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
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Status: offline 		I hear what you are saying, my mother takes care of my invalid father. She refuses outside help however due to issues that she has. It is not easy to care for someone, particularly when they do not seem to care anything about you and your needs.

Congrats for realizing that if you do not do something soon you will not be able to save yourself or have a life of your own. Putting him in a care facility is the best choice for him AND you. He may not want this, but he is not really in the state of mind to judge what is best for him. You have to make that choice. Do what is best for both of you, put him in a care facility and you go back to living your own life.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it - 9/19/2009 5:22:08 PM   
zephyrkajira


Posts: 238
Joined: 8/15/2009
Status: offline 		Greetings Rhi,

Having read your previous posts on this subject, and having just finished reading this one, zephyr just had one thing to say about this ......there really is no choice, peach, not if you want to retain your physical and mental health. Your father has made himself clear - he really doesn't care what happens to you, he wants things to stay as they are.

Good on you honey you are doing the right thing!  Never mind why you are doing it, it is clear from the tone of what you have written here that you are truly at your wit's end and about to snap besides it's high time that you take care of yourself, because even if you were willing to continue to care for your father, you are in no shape to do so.

You don't know zephyr from a hole in the ground but if you want to chat please feel free to do so. zephyr is a good listener if you want to let off steam.

she wishes you well,

zephyr

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
Profile   Post #: 20
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