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ORIGINAL: Rule

Okay.

Perhaps you ought to eat more fish? Fish is good for the brains. And put some trays of healthy nuts and soothing liquorice about the house? And let him have his cigarettes, of course: a smoking man is a satisfied man.

Best wishes.

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ORIGINAL: sirsholly

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Dad also laid it out for ME rather bluntly - stating that he honestly doesn't care what the financial - OR EMOTIONAL - cost is, that he wants to stay home, and if I have to kill myself to do so, then as far as he's concerned that's what "should" happen. It's not that he doesn't Understand what's going on, that I'm already running on the ragged edge - I told him that outright, that I'm already about ready for the nut hut from putting up with his constant demands, whining, and not giving a shit what the physical, emotional, or financial cost is as long as he gets exactly what he wants when he wants it even if it's something he's been told time and time again he can't have. It's that he honestly doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything other than Himself - his own comforts, his own demands, his own desires - and to hell with the rest of us unless we're in the process of meeting those demands, reasonable or not.

Wow. Just wow Rhi. I swear to God this is the exact situation i was in with my dad. This is unreal to me how similar the situations are.

I HAD to. I HAD to Rhi. He weighed 300 pounds and i had tendon damage in both arms. He did not care. I was going nuts..literally losing my mind from being away from my home and isolated in a one bedroom apt. He did not care.  I could go on and on here but this is not about me, it is about you. I just want you to know i have been where you are.

The decision was made on the day i dropped him during a transfer and he landed on top of me. A three hundred pound man on my chest meant i could not breath. He did not care. I did not care that he did not care. I was done.

Please...let me give you one piece of advice here. Do this NOW. If the nursing home does not have placement, call his PCP and tell him what the situation is. The PCP can have your dad admitted to a hospital under a bogus diagnosis, then transferred to a nursing home from there. The hospital social workers will take over and get it done.

If you have him admitted to a nursing home from his home, do not tell him when it will be. And DO NOT BE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS!!! You have taken all the abuse any single person can take. You cannot handle any more. You might think you can, but trust me Rhi....seeing him taken out of the home on that last day will haunt you forever. Do not do it to yourself.

I want so badly to hug you right now honey.

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ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

There is no need for any guilt.
You did give him time at home, Rhi.

In doing so, I think you can see that as much as he says he wants to be home, he is no more content at home than he was at the facility.... the complaints were just different.

I am not sure that his brain is capable of anything but selfishness.

He complains to you because you are all he has.
He wants you to fix things... and you can not fix his brain damage.

So, he will be taken care of and you can have your life back.

I wish you both peace.

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ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach


anjelika - he's probably Not capable of anything other than selfishness at this point, considering the brain damage.  I will not, however, allow that knowledge to make me start feeling guilty, or to keep me from doing - for once in my life - that I'm doing what's best for ME this time, and doing so whether he likes it or not.

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ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach

Lushy...... omg.... a massage....... lesigh.....
 
I've been seriously considering making myself an appointment at a day spa that's here in town - manicure, pedicure, full body massage, dead sea mud wrap, full facial, get my hair trimmed... the works.  Then I think about just how much it Cost the last time I went and did that, and it makes me positively cringe LOL.  I think I may set some money aside to do so despite what kind of price tag I'm looking at.  Either that, or set aside the  money, and then leave it set aside to travel on instead, since most of my traveling out of state is gonna come to an abrupt Halt until dad dies. 
 
It's one of the FEW downsides to moving him back into a nursing home - the expense of a nursing home is going to mean that I most likely won't be able to Afford to do any traveling for a while.
 
anjelika - he's probably Not capable of anything other than selfishness at this point, considering the brain damage.  I will not, however, allow that knowledge to make me start feeling guilty, or to keep me from doing - for once in my life - that I'm doing what's best for ME this time, and doing so whether he likes it or not.

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ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19
Was your dad always like this?

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3 years ago, when the original stroke happened - laying in the ER, waiting to be taken for the MRI scan to find out how bad things were - he didn't expect to live, and was more concerned with how I was holding together and going to deal with things than he was with whether or not he'd survive the next 24 hours.

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Hols, I know Exactly what you mean. I Miss the man that I could play chess with for hours on end, while discussing comparative relgions, politics both local and worldview, alternative lifestyles - and who, hell, more than once gave me suggestions on inexpensive ways to convert common things into toys that I hadn't considered or seen considered here or on other bdsm sites I've been on. I resent the hell out of who he's become - and out of the circumstances that brought him to this point.

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ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach

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ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19
Was your dad always like this?

No - not at all - which is a large part of what has made it all so difficult to deal with on a strictly emotional level for the past 3 years.
 
He was always a bit of a control freak - that much has always been the case - but Never until he moved home did he Soooo completely dispense with any remote semblance of respect for the rest of humanity, caring what happened with his kids (even when my brother has been at his Worst on the drugs - dad was always there to try and pick him back up, Knowing that it wasn't going to do any good - and he still would, if I'd let him) or sense of common courtesy.  Heck, he's the one who beat some sense of Courtesy and Respect for Others into me - and tried to do so with my brother.  While we were growing up. he was always the first one and the hardest one to reprimand either of us, if we did something we knew we weren't supposed to do.... if we were rude, he's the one we had to answer to... if we were disrespectful, omg he was the one we answered to... if we were TO pushy, to demanding, got self centered or snotty about things... he was the one who set us straight.  If I had Ever talked to him, while growing up, the way he Routinely talks to me - I wouldn't have had an ass left to sit down with for a Month.  Even when she was at her worst with the Alzheimer's, prior to going into a nursing home and loosing so much of her mind that she didn't even know who He was, he wouldn't have ever once considered speaking to his mother in the tones he uses with me, or with the complete and utter disregard for what came out of his mouth.
 
3 years ago, when the original stroke happened - laying in the ER, waiting to be taken for the MRI scan to find out how bad things were - he didn't expect to live, and was more concerned with how I was holding together and going to deal with things than he was with whether or not he'd survive the next 24 hours.  Even after his surgery to drain that first blood clot - his concern was whether I had gotten any sleep - did I know where all the paperwork was that I needed - was my brother being a fool yet or holding together and acting human.  I miss the man he was.  I grieve for the man he'll never be again - the man I knew, and could always count on, growing up.  I miss knowing that there was at least One other person in my family who was Capable of being responcible - and who, if he weren't essentially dead and gone due to brain damage, would still be able to be counted on.