RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it

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Sunnyfey -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 5:29:28 PM)
hugs Rhi super tight I'm happy for you. Now, after this settles you have no excuse! I get to intro you to hot sexy singles ok? If not that, then let me show you around the community [:D]

GoddessImaginos -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 5:37:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rule Okay. Perhaps you ought to eat more fish? Fish is good for the brains. And put some trays of healthy nuts and soothing liquorice about the house? And let him have his cigarettes, of course: a smoking man is a satisfied man. Best wishes. This has nothing to do with her brains, which I'm sure work just fine otherwise. The situation as it has stood is not good for either one of them, and cannot be fixed by a bowl of nuts, a cigarette, and other misplaced levels of acquiescence. Perhaps YOU should have some fish, hmm..?

GoddessImaginos -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 5:39:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: Dad also laid it out for ME rather bluntly - stating that he honestly doesn't care what the financial - OR EMOTIONAL - cost is, that he wants to stay home, and if I have to kill myself to do so, then as far as he's concerned that's what "should" happen. It's not that he doesn't Understand what's going on, that I'm already running on the ragged edge - I told him that outright, that I'm already about ready for the nut hut from putting up with his constant demands, whining, and not giving a shit what the physical, emotional, or financial cost is as long as he gets exactly what he wants when he wants it even if it's something he's been told time and time again he can't have. It's that he honestly doesn't give a shit about anyone or anything other than Himself - his own comforts, his own demands, his own desires - and to hell with the rest of us unless we're in the process of meeting those demands, reasonable or not. Wow. Just wow Rhi. I swear to God this is the exact situation i was in with my dad. This is unreal to me how similar the situations are. I HAD to. I HAD to Rhi. He weighed 300 pounds and i had tendon damage in both arms. He did not care. I was going nuts..literally losing my mind from being away from my home and isolated in a one bedroom apt. He did not care. I could go on and on here but this is not about me, it is about you. I just want you to know i have been where you are. The decision was made on the day i dropped him during a transfer and he landed on top of me. A three hundred pound man on my chest meant i could not breath. He did not care. I did not care that he did not care. I was done. Please...let me give you one piece of advice here. Do this NOW. If the nursing home does not have placement, call his PCP and tell him what the situation is. The PCP can have your dad admitted to a hospital under a bogus diagnosis, then transferred to a nursing home from there. The hospital social workers will take over and get it done. If you have him admitted to a nursing home from his home, do not tell him when it will be. And DO NOT BE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS!!! You have taken all the abuse any single person can take. You cannot handle any more. You might think you can, but trust me Rhi....seeing him taken out of the home on that last day will haunt you forever. Do not do it to yourself. I want so badly to hug you right now honey. Me too, except with Me it was My mom and not My dad. Goddess bless you both, little sisters..

lusciouslips19 -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 5:50:54 PM)
Rhi, you are burnt out and need time after this to decompress. If you ever find yourself in Chicago you will have a massage coming to you from me. And then we will both get a pedicure. :-)

angelikaJ -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 5:51:05 PM)
There is no need for any guilt. You did give him time at home, Rhi. In doing so, I think you can see that as much as he says he wants to be home, he is no more content at home than he was at the facility.... the complaints were just different. I am not sure that his brain is capable of anything but selfishness. He complains to you because you are all he has. He wants you to fix things... and you can not fix his brain damage. So, he will be taken care of and you can have your life back. I wish you both peace.

GoddessImaginos -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 6:00:19 PM)
..what angelika said.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 6:16:35 PM)
In taking care of others we cannot sacrifice ourselves.

ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 6:17:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ There is no need for any guilt. You did give him time at home, Rhi. In doing so, I think you can see that as much as he says he wants to be home, he is no more content at home than he was at the facility.... the complaints were just different. I am not sure that his brain is capable of anything but selfishness. He complains to you because you are all he has. He wants you to fix things... and you can not fix his brain damage. So, he will be taken care of and you can have your life back. I wish you both peace. Wow. A lot of good posts in this thread, but I think this one deserves to have someone point out how very wise and insightful it is. Very well said.

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 6:46:40 PM)
Lushy...... omg.... a massage....... lesigh..... I've been seriously considering making myself an appointment at a day spa that's here in town - manicure, pedicure, full body massage, dead sea mud wrap, full facial, get my hair trimmed... the works. Then I think about just how much it Cost the last time I went and did that, and it makes me positively cringe LOL. I think I may set some money aside to do so despite what kind of price tag I'm looking at. Either that, or set aside the money, and then leave it set aside to travel on instead, since most of my traveling out of state is gonna come to an abrupt Halt until dad dies. It's one of the FEW downsides to moving him back into a nursing home - the expense of a nursing home is going to mean that I most likely won't be able to Afford to do any traveling for a while. anjelika - he's probably Not capable of anything other than selfishness at this point, considering the brain damage. I will not, however, allow that knowledge to make me start feeling guilty, or to keep me from doing - for once in my life - that I'm doing what's best for ME this time, and doing so whether he likes it or not.

angelikaJ -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 6:51:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach anjelika - he's probably Not capable of anything other than selfishness at this point, considering the brain damage. I will not, however, allow that knowledge to make me start feeling guilty, or to keep me from doing - for once in my life - that I'm doing what's best for ME this time, and doing so whether he likes it or not. That was not my point at all, Rhi. My point was that he was miserable in the nursing home and he is miserable at home, despite his demands that you keep him home. The reality is he will be miserable (and selfish) no matter where he is.. The wise thing is to do what is best for you. (((hugs)))

lusciouslips19 -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 7:21:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach Lushy...... omg.... a massage....... lesigh..... I've been seriously considering making myself an appointment at a day spa that's here in town - manicure, pedicure, full body massage, dead sea mud wrap, full facial, get my hair trimmed... the works. Then I think about just how much it Cost the last time I went and did that, and it makes me positively cringe LOL. I think I may set some money aside to do so despite what kind of price tag I'm looking at. Either that, or set aside the money, and then leave it set aside to travel on instead, since most of my traveling out of state is gonna come to an abrupt Halt until dad dies. It's one of the FEW downsides to moving him back into a nursing home - the expense of a nursing home is going to mean that I most likely won't be able to Afford to do any traveling for a while. anjelika - he's probably Not capable of anything other than selfishness at this point, considering the brain damage. I will not, however, allow that knowledge to make me start feeling guilty, or to keep me from doing - for once in my life - that I'm doing what's best for ME this time, and doing so whether he likes it or not. I have an Interview at the Red Door tommorrow.[:)][:)] Rhi, Was your dad always like this?

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 8:03:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 Was your dad always like this? No - not at all - which is a large part of what has made it all so difficult to deal with on a strictly emotional level for the past 3 years. He was always a bit of a control freak - that much has always been the case - but Never until he moved home did he Soooo completely dispense with any remote semblance of respect for the rest of humanity, caring what happened with his kids (even when my brother has been at his Worst on the drugs - dad was always there to try and pick him back up, Knowing that it wasn't going to do any good - and he still would, if I'd let him) or sense of common courtesy. Heck, he's the one who beat some sense of Courtesy and Respect for Others into me - and tried to do so with my brother. While we were growing up. he was always the first one and the hardest one to reprimand either of us, if we did something we knew we weren't supposed to do.... if we were rude, he's the one we had to answer to... if we were disrespectful, omg he was the one we answered to... if we were TO pushy, to demanding, got self centered or snotty about things... he was the one who set us straight. If I had Ever talked to him, while growing up, the way he Routinely talks to me - I wouldn't have had an ass left to sit down with for a Month. Even when she was at her worst with the Alzheimer's, prior to going into a nursing home and loosing so much of her mind that she didn't even know who He was, he wouldn't have ever once considered speaking to his mother in the tones he uses with me, or with the complete and utter disregard for what came out of his mouth. 3 years ago, when the original stroke happened - laying in the ER, waiting to be taken for the MRI scan to find out how bad things were - he didn't expect to live, and was more concerned with how I was holding together and going to deal with things than he was with whether or not he'd survive the next 24 hours. Even after his surgery to drain that first blood clot - his concern was whether I had gotten any sleep - did I know where all the paperwork was that I needed - was my brother being a fool yet or holding together and acting human. I miss the man he was. I grieve for the man he'll never be again - the man I knew, and could always count on, growing up. I miss knowing that there was at least One other person in my family who was Capable of being responcible - and who, if he weren't essentially dead and gone due to brain damage, would still be able to be counted on.

lusciouslips19 -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/19/2009 8:39:51 PM)
Im glad you wrote that. Thats what I wanted to hear. You have to remember. That was your father. Not the man that is left in Daddy's shell. Remember and celebrate that part of him and hold on to that, knowing that your father of before would want you to take care of you.

sirsholly -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/20/2009 4:47:08 AM)
quote: 3 years ago, when the original stroke happened - laying in the ER, waiting to be taken for the MRI scan to find out how bad things were - he didn't expect to live, and was more concerned with how I was holding together and going to deal with things than he was with whether or not he'd survive the next 24 hours. i can recall my dad laying on the stretcher, holding my hand and telling me to go home "I'll be alright, Honey. Go home and take care of yourself." That was not the man i had to put into a nursing home. I miss him.

wandersalone -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/20/2009 5:09:58 AM)
I wish I could add something helpful here for all of you but instead will share a little of my own story. I moved in to live with my parents after my younger brother died almost 8 years ago to provide physical support initially and then emotional support. The plan was that I would be staying for a year at the most but ended up there for 7 years. It was only when my parents both finally told me that it was time to start living my own life again and to follow my dreams which I had put on hold that I made the move to Melbourne. I absolutely love this new life however I feel enormous guilt that I left them both back home. Sending my support and hugs to everyone here that has and is caring for a loved one. It can at times be a lonely and difficult path.

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/20/2009 6:25:35 AM)
I gotta admit - I had a 10 minute bout of feeling guilty last night while I was sitting in the hot tub, contemplating how to get everything done this week that needs to get done. 10 minutes. That's all I allowed myself, before I started giving myself a thorough kick in the rump and reminded myself that whether it's the selfish or selfless side of the fence - the decision is still the same, and it's still the right decision, the motivation doesn't matter. I quit feeling guilty not so much because I kicked myself out of it - but because he started screeching "help" again when what he "needed" was chocolate that he'd already been told he couldn't have because it was after 11pm. We went through another bout of him screeching "help" this morning - which is what woke my ass up at 530 - because he'd decided that he "needed" a breathing treatment - and wanted me to go put it in the nebulizer before he got up off the toilet. He was sitting in the bathroom with the door open, banging on the wall with his cane, snarling and screeching about how he "couldn't breath" when I woke up enough for what he was saying to register. I was..... less than polite..... when I pointed out to him that if he hadn't been an utter prick, screaming at the top of his lungs for something, that he wouldn't have Needed the help at all. (It's really, Really difficult to feel guilty about a decision like this, when facing that for the rest of his life is my alternative!) Hols, I know Exactly what you mean. I Miss the man that I could play chess with for hours on end, while discussing comparative relgions, politics both local and worldview, alternative lifestyles - and who, hell, more than once gave me suggestions on inexpensive ways to convert common things into toys that I hadn't considered or seen considered here or on other bdsm sites I've been on. I resent the hell out of who he's become - and out of the circumstances that brought him to this point. I'm Angry that I've felt that I needed to live my life under the microscope of nanny government, who alternately told me I'm doing the right thing and that I'm incapable of actually Acomplishing it, so they're simply waiting for me to fail so they can censure me for that failure. I've felt guilty that I wasn't doing more - that I wasn't Capable of doing more - though I refuse to allow myself that particular indulgence any longer. What I need is a long vacation. What I'm going to get is the relief of not having to deal with this every single day, and have it in the back of the brain even when I'm supposedly on borrowed "me" time.

sirsholly -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/20/2009 6:36:35 AM)
quote: Hols, I know Exactly what you mean. I Miss the man that I could play chess with for hours on end, while discussing comparative relgions, politics both local and worldview, alternative lifestyles - and who, hell, more than once gave me suggestions on inexpensive ways to convert common things into toys that I hadn't considered or seen considered here or on other bdsm sites I've been on. I resent the hell out of who he's become - and out of the circumstances that brought him to this point. ok...instead of crying when i read this thread, i just smiled at what you said. How healthy it is that you resent the circumstances rather than the man!!! Good for you Rhi [:)]

tammystarm -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/21/2009 8:57:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hizgeorgiapeach quote: ORIGINAL: lusciouslips19 Was your dad always like this? No - not at all - which is a large part of what has made it all so difficult to deal with on a strictly emotional level for the past 3 years. He was always a bit of a control freak - that much has always been the case - but Never until he moved home did he Soooo completely dispense with any remote semblance of respect for the rest of humanity, caring what happened with his kids (even when my brother has been at his Worst on the drugs - dad was always there to try and pick him back up, Knowing that it wasn't going to do any good - and he still would, if I'd let him) or sense of common courtesy. Heck, he's the one who beat some sense of Courtesy and Respect for Others into me - and tried to do so with my brother. While we were growing up. he was always the first one and the hardest one to reprimand either of us, if we did something we knew we weren't supposed to do.... if we were rude, he's the one we had to answer to... if we were disrespectful, omg he was the one we answered to... if we were TO pushy, to demanding, got self centered or snotty about things... he was the one who set us straight. If I had Ever talked to him, while growing up, the way he Routinely talks to me - I wouldn't have had an ass left to sit down with for a Month. Even when she was at her worst with the Alzheimer's, prior to going into a nursing home and loosing so much of her mind that she didn't even know who He was, he wouldn't have ever once considered speaking to his mother in the tones he uses with me, or with the complete and utter disregard for what came out of his mouth. 3 years ago, when the original stroke happened - laying in the ER, waiting to be taken for the MRI scan to find out how bad things were - he didn't expect to live, and was more concerned with how I was holding together and going to deal with things than he was with whether or not he'd survive the next 24 hours. Even after his surgery to drain that first blood clot - his concern was whether I had gotten any sleep - did I know where all the paperwork was that I needed - was my brother being a fool yet or holding together and acting human. I miss the man he was. I grieve for the man he'll never be again - the man I knew, and could always count on, growing up. I miss knowing that there was at least One other person in my family who was Capable of being responcible - and who, if he weren't essentially dead and gone due to brain damage, would still be able to be counted on. first of all HUGS to you!!! i remember it too. Strokes are hideous monsters. My mom when i was 13. I remember everything that day. I remember when it sank in, while we were outside with the ambulance and our neighbor, my moms closest friend and a second mother to me, came over to me, and cried. i knew then. i remember screaming at the lafayette hospital doctors and staff that this isnt blood poisoning. its a stroke. i recall the stroke that did her in, when she became someone else. That day ill never forget. just know that there is someone here for you if you need it. Your making the right decisions no matter what decision you make. major hugs.

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/21/2009 9:16:03 AM)
Things are actually beginning to look like they might start working for the better at this point. The medical equipment & supply company that's right next to where I live is working on getting his replacement equipment. I've talked to them twice now today, and they're supposed to call me back in a short while with the answers they get. What they get told in their current checking on things will determine whether I have to make a quick appointment with his GP to get all new signed orders for the equipment, or whether the orders that Hospice had will do the trick. We're hoping that the older Hospice orders will work - but the hospice orders don't have a specific signature on them as the ordering doctor, so they might or they might not - either way, his doctor is very familiar with his case (and with me lol) and should sign new orders without problems if the old hospice orders won't do it. Hopefully when they call me back in a bit, it'll be to tell me that it's already been approved and they can deliver any time - or since I only live 10 blocks from them, I can come pick stuff up at any point. (Hey, I'd Rather go pick it all up - it'll give me an excuse to get out of the house for a few minutes that dad won't bitch about!) Hospice is being cooperative. The medical supply company is being cooperative. His doctors office just called back (while I was writing this) to let me know that if I need new orders, just to call them and they'll have them ready for me to come pick up the same day, so They're cooperating. Now all I have to do is take a deep breath and call the social worker, and see if SHE intends to be cooperating with all this, or if she plans on being a typical PITA Bitch. I'm personally Hoping that she cooperates with everything, and eases up her grinching - I'm not going to count on it, but I Am going to hope for it, since everyone else is being so cooperative when I wasn't expecting them to be. (And yes, the cooperation from people that I expected to have problems with just kinda.... it's like another shot of karmic confirmation that this is soooo what I need to do.... )

mnottertail -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/21/2009 9:19:45 AM)
regarding the govt employee.....if she grinches, go talk to her boss, if he/she grinches, just keep going up the ladder and let them know in no uncertain terms you are going to badmouth the shit outta them... at some point you reach high enough up where problems are a surprise at that level, they should have been taken care of way below them and those people don't do well with stress, they give it, but don't take it, and they will do whatever keeps them stress free, by walking on anyone below them until the stress stops.

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