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hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: My wits end - and my patience along with it (9/24/2009 5:43:10 AM)
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No, Rule - I'm not a domme. I simply have more Practice at this sort of thing than any One individual should ever have to face getting - from 18 years as a single mom of a severely handicapped kid. It teachs you something, regardless of whether you're dominant, submissive, switch, or not at all interested in any of those designations - to get done what Needs to get done, regardless of whether you Want to be the one getting it done or not. Consider it a "Lead, Follow, or Get the Fuck Outta the Way" sort of lifestyle philosophy. I don't care who does the doing - who issues the orders, who carries them out - as long as what Needs to get done GETS done. Preferably with the least amount of stress placed on me personally. I also call it living life through Enlightened Self Interest. What is going to cause ME the least amount of pain/stress? What is my path of personal least resistance, when I look at the long term, and size up the path that happens to branch off from each decision? Between those two things - least personal stress, and best personal path over the Long Term - it keeps me from being completely self centered. Primarily because it forces me to look at how my decisions are going to affect those around me - which, in turn, will lead them to actions that will potentially alter my path either for better or worse.
During all my years involved in BDSM, 99% of them were actually spent as a Submissive or Slave - and what haven't been spent as a submissive/slave have been spent strictly staying away from power exchange at all, because those years as a submissive taught me not to EVER trust dominants in my life again regardless of what sort of pretty promises they happened to make. I don't joke when I tell people that I don't take part in power exhcnage. Been there, done that, got the teeshirts - and the emotional and physical scars - to prove it. It has been my experience that power exchange in my life equals abuse in my life. I'm not saying that such is the case for everyone - just that it has always been the case for ME - and I've learned not to risk that potential for recurrance. I also lack a specific personality trait that I consider essential to be considered Dominant - I have ZERO desire for control over anyone else's life and ZERO belief that I'm somehow better qualified or more able to tell someone else what is best for their life. With no desire to control anyone's life but MY OWN, I make a particularly poor dominant. Having developed a distinct Distate for anyone Other than myself having control over my life - I also make a particularly poor submissive these days.
Life is much like Forging Metal. Things have to get heated up to a certain point - a point that cannot be reached except through manipulation. Once the object has been manipulated into a pliable state - it has to be pounded on, repeatedly, to shape it into something it's not naturally. The internal structure must be nudged - through often violent action against the outside structure - into taking a form it wouldn't hold otherwise. And then it's reheated and repounded - again and again - until it takes the specific shape that the person doing the beating wants it to take, until they think they're satisfied and suddenly plunge the hot object into another medium - water, oil, sand - to quench the heat rapidly and permanently set the internal structure. If they've done a good job - the internal structure is flexible enough to bend and then spring back, with crystaline sizes to accomodate that. If they've done a poor job - quenched it to fast, worked it to long, worked it to hard - the internal structure weakens instead of strengthening - and as soon as the heat is quenched............ It Shatters. But even a well forged blade has a breaking point - a point where it can no longer bend, the crystals of it's internal structure can no longer stretch and retain their cohesion - and at that point it breaks. Not into the million pieces of shattering, but into 2 or 3 pieces where the stresses were greatest, or the structure was weakest and to much for it to bounce back.
I never quite Shattered. I was too well forged by my parents to do so, regardless of the stresses induced on the outside structure. Each time I got put under the hammer of someone's fist - it simply refined the internal crystals a bit more - shored up the strength a touch here and there internally. The people doing the pounding always expected me to shatter. They expected me to break, so that they could smelt the metal of my soul back down and start from scratch to turn me into their personal vision of what they wanted. They did Not expect me to bounce back - and cut them straight to the bone, the bladeedge still sharp as when they started pounding - and the internal structure still capable of flexing back into place when they least expected it. But like that fine blade - I have my weak points, my internal spots where I Will break if the forces become to great.
Moving dad is simply me being smart enough to acknowledge that the breaking point - the point where I no longer have the flexibility to bounce back and retain my original internal shape - has been reached, and one more ounce of pressure will be sufficient to rip the internal structure in such a manner that even if repairs are made, it will never again have the strength and flexibility that it once held.
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