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lovingpet -> RE: Hating Nudity (9/20/2009 9:54:08 AM)
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I have had two meltdowns on the boards over this issue in the past 6 months or so and I am sure some do remember those. LOL The issue came up strongly when I was facing playing at a club for the first time. I had partners insistent on the fact that I would be naked. The first one fell flat and the other did, in fact, happen though I cannot say it happened gracefully.
I can't say I don't like being naked. On days I have the house to myself, I can easily take all day long getting around to getting dressed and I am perfectly comfortable with that. Nudity in an intimate setting brings me a great deal of shrinking and nervous blushing. Nudity at the doctor's office leaves me feeling rather exposed and somehow in a low position of power, so I always ask to talk to the doctor fully clothed before and after the examination. Nudity in about any other setting is just flat out scary and I have avoided it at all costs.
It doesn't help that I am a big gal. Goodness knows that in this overall culture, judgements abound and it is not the ideal of beautiful. I despise that kind of presumptive conclusions and I have enough past baggage to really find it hard to not be beautiful to someone (and by consequence, I feel not beautiful to everyone I encounter). I really don't like eyes upon me that might be thinking in these negative ways and I always seem to assume that they are. Oddly enough, I have never seen anyone naked and had those kinds of reactions myself. I find it beautiful, vulnerable, natural and the like.
The terror factor for me was the fact that I was being required to be nude in public. This was related to past trauma that I will not get into here, but sufficed to say I was in a desperate panic trying to handle the situation. My partner did so well supporting me through it all and it was something that only helped us grow stronger, but I know I am a long way from being comfortable in such a situation. We will probably go through this many more times.
It is a sad thing that many of us have come to be less than comfortable in our natural state. I don't know why we do this to ourselves and each other. We take on the values and criticisms of other with regard to our very own bodies. When eyes are upon us, somehow the weight of their biases, lusts, and opinions lay upon us. We judge ourselves by others' standards and it tears at our self confidence. It makes no sense and doesn't fit with how most of us conduct other parts of our life. It is such an intimate thing and goes deep in its harm. I hope to come to some peace about my own body with the outside world and even with myself and my own harsh judgements about it. I wish that for others who struggle in this department as well. I know it's not easy.
lovingpet
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