Distracted Master

Distracted Master (Full Version)

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VeeTee -> Distracted Master (9/23/2009 6:57:46 AM)
Not sure if I should post this under Ask a Master...but you all are always so helpful! the Master is distant and distracted. sub asks if everything is ok between them. He says yes. He explains a personal situation that has him distracted and He's dealing with it. This is a very new relationship. He knows that the sub has an especially weak spot when it comes to communication. After establishing a pattern of regular communication with her, He has now created distance between them through abandoning said regular communication. A sentence here or there. Superficial topics. This is why she asked him if he was ok - obviously things were different. Ok, to my question: sub feels like she should be patient and support him through his personal, distracting situation. On the other hand, sub feels like he knows he is hurting and confusing her through his lack of communication. She is thinking the worst. She feels like she is being a) punished for something, b) simply ignored and not thought about and/or c) on the verge of being released. SO...it seems especially in the early days of a D/s relationship, it is the Dom's responsibility to nurture and take care of his sub as she has been responsive, genuine and obedient to him. Should he be letting her twist in the wind this way? Is it Ok that he knows she must feel sad and confused? How many times should she ask him if everything is OK? If he is so distracted by his situation, should he be taking on the responsibility of a new sub in the first place? ....hmmm, that is probably where the being release concern comes in... Thanks!!

DarkSteven -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 7:01:37 AM)
He has a problem he's dealing with, and he's told that to the sub. As far as he's concerned, everybody understands. The sub may have issues, but pestering him with repeated complaints will just annoy him. Ask to reestablish regular scheduled communication times.

worthlesstrash -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 7:08:10 AM)
Sometimes though we don't like to, we have to just back off and let them have time to work things out. I think that is with any relationship, honestly. I will ask M if something is wrong, if he says "no" and I can still tell there is something there, I might wait a few hours and ask him again. If he then tells me there isn't, I have to just take him at his word. I am sure yours is like most people in the world, he just has things going on. I am one that is huge on communication, so I can totally understand how you are feeling shut out and how the fears start to settle in, I am the same way at times. I don't want to say just let him be, because that can also be dangerous. Once you back off, it might also be seen as pulling away as was the case with me and M. He thought I was pulling away, I thought he was pulling away..we neither one opened our mouths and our whole relationship almost ended. I feel sometimes it's a fine line at knowing when to push and when to just let things be. You know him much better than I do, so that is something only you can determine. I would just keep the lines of communication open with him and be there as he is dealing with this. Try not to let your mind get carried away and think that everything is a reflection on you or your relationship. Best Wishes.

VeeTee -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 7:08:58 AM)
arg...I knew you'd say that.

CreativeDominant -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 7:20:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VeeTee Not sure if I should post this under Ask a Master...but you all are always so helpful! the Master is distant and distracted. sub asks if everything is ok between them. He says yes. He explains a personal situation that has him distracted and He's dealing with it. This is a very new relationship. He knows that the sub has an especially weak spot when it comes to communication. After establishing a pattern of regular communication with her, He has now created distance between them through abandoning said regular communication. A sentence here or there. Superficial topics. This is why she asked him if he was ok - obviously things were different. Ok, to my question: sub feels like she should be patient and support him through his personal, distracting situation. On the other hand, sub feels like he knows he is hurting and confusing her through his lack of communication. She is thinking the worst. She feels like she is being a) punished for something, b) simply ignored and not thought about and/or c) on the verge of being released. SO...it seems especially in the early days of a D/s relationship, it is the Dom's responsibility to nurture and take care of his sub as she has been responsive, genuine and obedient to him. Should he be letting her twist in the wind this way? Is it Ok that he knows she must feel sad and confused? How many times should she ask him if everything is OK? If he is so distracted by his situation, should he be taking on the responsibility of a new sub in the first place? ....hmmm, that is probably where the being release concern comes in... Thanks!! Tricky area to maneuver around in. One of the appealing things about dominance, believe it or not, is being able to say "Don't bug me right now...I've got something on my mind", especially when you've taken the time at the beginning of the relationship to explain those times in which this might occur, and have the submissive obey. However---and this is where, for ME, the fine line comes into play---I don't think it is fair to let a submissive "dangle in the wind" for a long period of time without taking some time for her and putting aside what is bugging me. For me, a long time is anything longer than a day. Now, whether or not I would tell my submissive what was bugging me---I make it clear to a submissive that I am getting close to that if it is something she has done that is bugging me, I will indeed share it with her. However, if it is an issue that has nothing to do with us as a couple or us as a dynamic, then I reserve the right to keep it to myself if I so choose. One of my perogatives as the dominant. Right now, my advice would be to back off but I would also say that you should not back off for any longer than a couple of days. At that time, I would ask to sit down and have a serious discussion and I would bring forth your issues concerning this. COMMUNICATE what you are feeling and thinking to him and see just how well he communicates his thoughts and feelings about your concerns to you.

GreedyTop -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 7:44:34 AM)
He's explained why he's distracted. Rather than asking if anything is wrong, try asking if there is anything you can do to help him, whether it's directly related to the issue, or in other ways (taking care of day to day stuff that he might be too distracted to remember to deal with, for instance). Just my .02

DesFIP -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 8:19:07 AM)
In a new relationship, if its a ldr, there still is no excuse to sending a quick text a couple of times a day. And in any relationship you should tell your partner a little more than "its personal". Saying, 'my mother's ill, I'm spending all my free time in the hospital" doesn't take more than 5 seconds to explain and will garner a lot better results than "I'm busy don't bother me". If it's a work problem, like accountants in tax season there is no reason not so say so and that the load should lighten up in two weeks. But cutting communication down almost entirely will lead the sub to conclude, eventually, that there's someone else and she's been lied to about his availability.

AnimusRex -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 8:24:48 AM)
Your Master sounds like me. When I am wrestling with a difficult thing, whether work or personal, I focus on it to the exclusion of other things, and become very distant and remote. What I love about Kim is that she understands this, and lets me be in my "Fortress of Solitude" without pestering me. Nothing is more annoying or burdensome than to be trying to resolve something difficult, and simultaneously deal with someone tugging at your sleeve demanding attention. Leave him be.

porcelaine -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 8:44:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VeeTee Ok, to my question: sub feels like she should be patient and support him through his personal, distracting situation. On the other hand, sub feels like he knows he is hurting and confusing her through his lack of communication. She is thinking the worst. She feels like she is being a) punished for something, b) simply ignored and not thought about and/or c) on the verge of being released. SO...it seems especially in the early days of a D/s relationship, it is the Dom's responsibility to nurture and take care of his sub as she has been responsive, genuine and obedient to him. Should he be letting her twist in the wind this way? Is it Ok that he knows she must feel sad and confused? How many times should she ask him if everything is OK? If he is so distracted by his situation, should he be taking on the responsibility of a new sub in the first place? ....hmmm, that is probably where the being release concern comes in... first of all feelings are never wrong, trying to deny them will only make you more confused and frustrated. you're feeling neglected and based on what you've shared its understandable why they exist. while others have told you to leave him be and to wrestle with your emotions, i disagree. life will always offer interruptions and things that change the flow of our normal way of being. he's elected to focus on the problem and decreased his communication with someone that seemingly has an issue in this area. which isn't serving anything in the long run. every sentence you receive or word communicated is a reminder of what has changed and continues to strike a trigger within you. what he fails to realize is that when the current issue is resolved he'll have another to fix between the two of you. i believe compromises can be made. if his time is limited and his attention must be elsewhere, as his submissive you should make a valiant attempt to be supportive, patient, and understanding. this doesn't give him the right to go from hot to cold either. especially if you're not residing in the same household or within the same vicinity. distance and reduced communication can create a host of problems and promote fear and insecurity that can really be avoided. but it requires commitment from both parties. there are twenty-four hours in a day. the president has time to send an email and i say that candidly to mean he has to make time for this. maybe he can't converse as frequently as before, but ten or twenty minutes spent composing a note isn't hard for most. in the meantime you have to get your head together. you're reacting and it is causing you to spiral and dredging up all sorts of emotions that are unhealthy and causing you to see things that may not occur. i don't suggest you ignore them. but face them head on. if you write perhaps they would be wonderful journal topics. just vent, get every angry, scared, frustrated feeling you've been repressing out and don't restrain yourself. it is inevitable you'll erupt if this continues and it is better to do so in a manner that will be productive rather than destructive. while i don't deny his responsibilities in the dominant role, i don't support your idea of a payoff. just because you've done a, b and c doesn't mean you'll reap certain rewards. it is always a risk and nothing is guaranteed. changes will happen and it is better if you keep that in mind. life steps in. it always will. give without expectation. serve because it brings you joy. be patient because you'd want the same from him if the situation were reversed. the downtime you've been offered provides a tremendous opportunity for growth and the possibility of shedding some baggage when you do. i invite you to review the seven spiritual laws by deepak chopra (see his website). i have a funny feeling those words might give you something to gnaw on and allow you to see things from his perspective. compassion and empathy are things we bestow on those we walk beside. don't forsake yours now. it isn't for you to tell him how to be, but try to be the best you whatever the circumstances. perhaps when things are settled you can share your revelations with him and he will gain something from all of this as well. best of luck. porcelaine

VeeTee -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 9:03:26 AM)
porcelaine, thank you so much for your thoughts. i do want to give without exception and i will revisit my own issues and take this time to learn some more about myself. DesFIP, i didn't meant to infer that He had not described the problem to me. He did and i understand that He is dealing with something important to Him. i was really struggling more with my response to His behavior. Trying to define my expectations and the reality of what i want out of the dynamic. Everyone - thanks so much for your words and comments.

Zevar -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 9:10:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: VeeTee Not sure if I should post this under Ask a Master...but you all are always so helpful! the Master is distant and distracted. sub asks if everything is ok between them. He says yes. He explains a personal situation that has him distracted and He's dealing with it. This is a very new relationship. He knows that the sub has an especially weak spot when it comes to communication. After establishing a pattern of regular communication with her, He has now created distance between them through abandoning said regular communication. A sentence here or there. Superficial topics. This is why she asked him if he was ok - obviously things were different. Ok, to my question: sub feels like she should be patient and support him through his personal, distracting situation. On the other hand, sub feels like he knows he is hurting and confusing her through his lack of communication. She is thinking the worst. She feels like she is being a) punished for something, b) simply ignored and not thought about and/or c) on the verge of being released. SO...it seems especially in the early days of a D/s relationship, it is the Dom's responsibility to nurture and take care of his sub as she has been responsive, genuine and obedient to him. Should he be letting her twist in the wind this way? Is it Ok that he knows she must feel sad and confused? How many times should she ask him if everything is OK? If he is so distracted by his situation, should he be taking on the responsibility of a new sub in the first place? ....hmmm, that is probably where the being release concern comes in... Thanks!! Greetings VeeTee: The answer to your questions depend on what this “personal situation” that has him distracted pertains to. If it pertains to him not disclosing his already “involvement” with another female that you do not have prior knowledge of then naturally you have some thinking to do, that is if you do not want to be play “2nd fiddle” to another female. OR If this “personal situation” pertains to something you know about and you are comfortable enough with your current level of trusting him to disclose to you honestly and no other way then naturally you need to demonstrate trust toward him and let this rest until he comes out from his required solace required to resolve his “personal situation” at hand that has him distracted. Only you have your answers when it all comes to the end result. As a total stranger I do not know you nor him or this fullness of this situation therefore as you must understand no one here can really guide you as to what you “should do.” Comes back to …you have your own answers. Hopefully you will conclude the same after further "soul searching" examination of the dynamics involved. I wish you well, ~Zevar~

bluefireeyez -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 10:08:47 AM)
Master lives across the country currently is unfortunately 3 hours behind. He also has His graduate program and work. i not only have the same, but my mother is also ill. We both "have full lives". i did feel the same way you describe the first couple of times W/we went 24 hours without talking. He used to send me an email before bed if there was no other time. Then He found out i have my email linked to my phone and He stopped. Fortunately, i had the oppurtunity to discuss my fears with Him. It is always a good thing to be able to do. W/we both will ask if everything is ok and then wait for the other person to explain when they want. Some times the best thing for a person when they are dealing with difficult issues is to talk about superficial things, banter, enjoy simple silence -and- avoid serious conversations. If His head isn't in the right spot for D/s activities then it is His option to pull back from that until He can discuss those things with You. Perhaps you could write Him an email and send it to Him offering your concerns, once. He will read it when He has time and talk to you about your concerns (if He is a good Dom/Master). Other than that, you could also ask if there are other things you could do to help Him (i think that was already offered). If backing off is one of them...do it.

mnottertail -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 10:11:54 AM)
fuck email. Write a letter, long hand, not typing.............. use your best grammer, and feminine speech, and wiles, perfumed.... Speak of the dull ache in your crotch, and the salivating of your mouth, in remembering, in longing ...... You know what I mean. Patch it up. Only once a week.

Phoenixpower -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 10:12:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven but pestering him with repeated complaints will just annoy him. Yep, thats unfortunately how men seem to function [>:]

MasterTslave -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 10:17:52 AM)
i hate it when Master T gets like that...and He just gets mad when i push Him on the subject...but still...if there is somthing going on, it is better for Him to share it with you...even just so that you know it isn't you...i think that it is a guy thing more than a Dom thing...men are just like that (just to make us pull out our hair).

Zevar -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 11:12:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bluefireeyez Master lives across the country currently is unfortunately 3 hours behind. He also has His graduate program and work. i not only have the same, but my mother is also ill. We both "have full lives". i did feel the same way you describe the first couple of times W/we went 24 hours without talking. He used to send me an email before bed if there was no other time. Then He found out i have my email linked to my phone and He stopped. Fortunately, i had the oppurtunity to discuss my fears with Him. It is always a good thing to be able to do. W/we both will ask if everything is ok and then wait for the other person to explain when they want. Some times the best thing for a person when they are dealing with difficult issues is to talk about superficial things, banter, enjoy simple silence -and- avoid serious conversations. If His head isn't in the right spot for D/s activities then it is His option to pull back from that until He can discuss those things with You. Perhaps you could write Him an email and send it to Him offering your concerns, once. He will read it when He has time and talk to you about your concerns (if He is a good Dom/Master). Other than that, you could also ask if there are other things you could do to help Him (i think that was already offered). If backing off is one of them...do it. bluefireeyez: If you continue to speak as you just did then it is no wonder you are where you are and more than likely will remain until you come to understand how to relate in a manner that is indicative of respect when speaking to others and especially when it applies to this man you call, “Master." Keep it up girl and hey maybe you can one day find yourself even more miserable maligning the will of “your Master” so you can manipulate the “feelings’ of others. Obviously to get a “pseudo fix” of support for your " lil girl I want my way nasty sarcastic attitude." Don’t blow too much smoke though when yet another Master does not snap to your every little command about your “feelings.” You have some growing up in the “feelings” realm to do. Hindsight is 20/20 girl. BTW--- No, I do not care to write this man you call “Master.” However if he wants to speak with me then by all means he can do as he wills. He is after all a man or is that merely a "Distracted Master" who has failed to obey a girl? [;)] I wish you well, ~Zevar~

puella -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 11:30:40 AM)
Hello VeeTee.. I would just say ... sit back and chill, doll. He told you he is dealing with something (he technically, didn't even need to tell you that much). At this point you are projecting your insecurites onto him and turning concern for him into concern for yourself, into that little trap of a mindset "how could he/ shouldnt he taking care of me". Remember who he is and who you are... and your prospective positions in this relationship. He told you he is dealing with it, if he wants something from you besides just to have you there and not hounding him, I am sure he would demand it of you. I also know that is easier said than done... but just give him some space...he is your Dom/Master, not superman and maybe he just needs a bit of space right now? Sometimes shit just happens, without your having planned it, and regarless of what your new sub needs of you. And sometimes, you just need to be strong enough to be you, with out him supporting you. Best of luck.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 4:55:20 PM)
With all due respect to the OP, he is dealing with a personal situation and you think he should be considering how his actions and nonactions are affecting you? Sounds a little self absorbed to me. Seems to me that you need to back off and let him take care of business, and wait for him to get back to you. There is a good chance that he is trying to get his mind around a problem and you are the least of his problems - as you should be. Pull up your big girl panties and find a good book or movie, and don't give him any more grief than he is all ready dealing with.

bluefireeyez -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 5:08:40 PM)
Zevar, Wow, I certainly hope that the entire post you just wrote was sarcasm, though the length and the rudeness makes me think it was not. Your assessment of me is a little off and it was inappropriate to address it on a different person's post. I tried to PM you but it says your profile isn't active. That said, you do not know me. I was simply telling her that I understood and what my Master did. If you don't tell someone how you feel they're not going to know. However one contacting the other person excessively about it -especially when they are dealing with their own things makes it harder for them to want to address the issues. You have much to learn about "feelings", personality, and behavior in general. I consulted my Master in a way so when He had the time He could address the issue. Previously we had talked at least once a day or I woke up to an email from Him that He sent before He went to bed. I didn't know it was going to happen and as such was worried. He addressed it in His way. A sub or slave wanting to talk to their Master on a daily basis is not unreasonable, especially when it was established beforehand that she would. Oh and just because someone is sarcastic blah blah blah in one situation or at one point in time does not mean it transfers to every thing/one. Lastly, I don't need my Master to defend me. If you have an issue with me either keep it to yourself or pm me. I'm sure if this "little girl" can't handle it her Master will step in and address it. To the OP: I apologize about this post. I just needed to address what had been said.

daintydimples -> RE: Distracted Master (9/23/2009 5:22:47 PM)
New relationships take a lot of time and attention. Huge amounts of time and attention. A D/s relationship even more so, in my opinion. So should your master be nurturing you through this early difficult phase. YES. It seems he has reasons why he can't. Have they been explained to you? Do you believe them? How long has this been going on? I'm of two minds on this. I've known of far too many (mostly online) doms who are clueless as to what do do with a sub once they get one. They get bored, or whatever. Then there is life. Shit happens. Modern life overwhelms us with its many demands. Distracting personal situations can only exacerbate this. I have to ask the OP: What does your gut say?

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