A slaves refusal

A slaves refusal (Full Version)

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CougarStud -> A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 5:53:24 PM)
So I am driving to Busch Gardens to take my new slave to a 2 day trip. I was driving and I asked her to sing to me, she said she doesn't sing. I said neither do I but that I would show her it could be done and sang an old Lefty Frizzel tune. She siad she still wouldn't sing. After a nice steak dinner I told her I would like her to sing a simple nursery ryhme and again she refused. I am about to take her back home without going to the Amusement Park in the morning (I am too tired to drive home tonight) I need advise.

Sunnyfey -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 5:56:27 PM)
I think you are making too big a deal of it honey. Is it vital to the relationship that she sing to you? If not...don't throw away a good thing for a silly request.

DesFIP -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 5:57:34 PM)
did you ask her why she couldn't bring herself to do it? If she was humiliated by her family/peers for her poor voice, she may well have a block against it. I'd sing to him if he asked, but he would have to give me a sheet with the lyrics because I don't know any songs. And I would have to be assured he wouldn't make fun of my voice. My kids object to me singing in the shower, I'm that offkey. You don't know anything about her, seems you put the cart before the horse in deciding she was your new slave this early. Next time get to know someone, let them come to trust you if what they have to tell you is something that hurts them to reveal.

slavegirlbc -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 5:57:53 PM)
don't ask her to sing

Chimortis -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:02:00 PM)
Personally, my take is this: when dealing with an outright refusal, rather than immediately reacting negatively, I prefer to question why. I will not react negatively unless I receive no explanation, or an explanation which does not make sense. People in this community have often experienced various traumas. One of the most important jobs of a considerate Dominant individual in the context of a relationship is to help our partners to overcome issues. I think that by getting to the heart of issues and working through them, we can assist our partners in becoming stronger and happier people. On the other hand, by simply reacting negatively and applying punishments, we sometimes fail to recognize broader issues that may exist. What I would do is find out why she refused, and try to work through the issues. Build her confidence up, let her work through any issues that may exist with your help, and eventually come to realize your desires from her. If she cannot provide a rational explanation or refuses to do so, then punishment is probably in order. This is just a personal opinion based on my own experiences. Your mileage may vary.

Lockit -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:02:22 PM)
This is a new slave to you... you claim her as your slave and yet becasue she has a struggle with something you are ready to ditch the rest of the trip? That would only add to her fears or whatever is causing her to hold back. What happened to the dominant assisting, building up and guiding? What does dominant mean to you? You want me to go easy on ya? Am I being fair to be so demanding in expecting you to understand what a dominant is or can be and how damaging we can be if we let little things like that to toss away someone we have claimed? Maybe you ought to think about that... as you are being very harsh and hard on her and you aren't doing her any favor's.

CougarStud -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:02:23 PM)
she thinks it is "uncool"

CougarStud -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:04:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Chimortis Personally, my take is this: when dealing with an outright refusal, rather than immediately reacting negatively, I prefer to question why. I will not react negatively unless I receive no explanation, or an explanation which does not make sense. People in this community have often experienced various traumas. One of the most important jobs of a considerate Dominant individual in the context of a relationship is to help our partners to overcome issues. I think that by getting to the heart of issues and working through them, we can assist our partners in becoming stronger and happier people. On the other hand, by simply reacting negatively and applying punishments, we sometimes fail to recognize broader issues that may exist. That is why I have not reacted at all and am gathering info! Thanks

Kalista07 -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:07:59 PM)
i hate it when info comes in as i'm typing... My experience is somewhat 'sensitive' in this particular area... Had He met me in the past i would have done many things He told me, instructed me, required me to do...But not this one...And according to many people...i have a good singing voice... Hell i've sung at my sister's wedding and five people's funerals.... But due to my jack ass dad's response when i would sing..i refused to do it...Wouldn't....Couldn't....Didn't....For some reason now though? i'm back to who really gives a rats behind.... Give her time...Work with her.... Try to work with her and not against her.... Kali

Chimortis -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:09:52 PM)
Uncool? I am surprised that someone willing to submit to you is still bothered by such concerns, to be honest. It's still possible that there's more going on there. The fact is that even in vanilla relationships most partners abandon the whole "cool persona" bit in order to open up to their partner. I'm not openly dorky as hell, but once someone gets to know me... well, I am! ;) If she can't get past that persona with you now, you might be taking things too fast. If she really means a lot to you, as I would hope she does if you're taking her on vacations with you, then perhaps you need to spend some more time NOT in a relationship with her, just getting to know and become more comfortable with one another. If there are no deeper issues, then she is clearly not very comfortable with you, if she feels she needs to maintain that persona in your presence.

slavegirlbc -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:10:09 PM)
sorry, i was being a little too terse there. and two other people popped in to answer before i hit my return key.. lol i think you need to acknowledge that you have a learning curve here as a Master and Dom, just as she does as a slave. no reason why you can't learn together. i don't know a lot out of it, but i seen a few Doms make comments about being careful not to ask a slave/submissive to do something they will refuse. you had your first information earleir that she didnt' want to sing in the car. instead of being sensistive around this issue by not asking her again, or getting more information from her about why she felt she had to refuse it, you just went right for the same thing again.. something that is very aggressive and confrontational in an interpersonal relationship. is this about confronting her and 'making' her obey or pushing her to be disobedient and a failure.. or is this about developing a relationship with her and developing trust and a Master/slave relationship? i have had my fill of potential Masters who discovered one of my hot buttons (things that i either dislike, really aren't interested in, or that provoke very intense negative feeling in me) and them focusing on that as something i MUST do... and of course, no attempt to understand what is going on with me. none of those men made it to being my Master, by the way. i am not saying you are like that.. i think you just ran into a situation you did not anticipate and really don't know what to do... i applaud your decision to come in here and ask for feedback and advice. i am not saying your relationship will work out either if you get past this block. you simply can't know if it will work out or not until you invest in the relationship and spend some time together. what i am saying is please do take the time to try to communicate with her about her refusal but ask in a gentle, non=pushy manner. just get the information if she is willing to impart it, and use it as an opportunity to learn about her, DON'T use the information to try and get her to do the task or do anything else.. just use the opportunity to find out about her. if she isn't willing to communicate about it, then just drop it and go forward and have a good time with her at the amusement park. enjoy the weekend, get to know her a little bit more. maybe it is time for a bit more vanilla before you bring in the D/s dynamic. good luck and best wishes

LadyNTrainer -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:11:53 PM)
The issue here is that the D/s relationship is, at least theoretically, supposed to be one of slave to owner. Her flat refusal threatens to derail and undermine that dynamic. If there are deeper psychological issues underlying her refusal, they would be worth exploring gently and carefully. If the issue is in fact that two people are on radically different pages in terms of what constitutes an owner/slave relationship, that's a whole other ballpark and is much more likely to be the end of the relationship.

Lockit -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:12:08 PM)
From prior postings... isn't this lady someone you just met? Like this is the first meeting after a short time of talking online?

DesFIP -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:17:03 PM)
My recollection is that she's very young, like barely legal, and zero experience except for porn. And this trip is the first time they've met and all they've done online is cyber sex. With that as a background I would have expected lots of snags. Ask her to sing along to the radio, tell her you need her to do it to keep you awake. But I doubt uncool is what her emotion really is, I'm assuming she's telling you that because she doesn't feel comfortable telling you about anything she is vulnerable to. Because she doesn't know you at all.

Missokyst -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:17:44 PM)
Pick and choose your battles. This is minor. However, I would have to say I would balk at even the little things if everything appeared to be a major event.

AquaticSub -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:22:33 PM)
Somehow I feel like there is something missing in the information provided. Is this the only thing she has refused to do? Have you given other instructions and were they followed? Well? How new to you is she exactly? Did everything else go well or has there been tension between you two? My guess (and this is purely a guess) is that there is either an underlying reason that she simply isn't comfortable talking to you about yet - and sadly, the command "Be comfortable damn it!" rarely works - or there are other factors coming into play, such as her feeling uncomfortable in general. It could also be that she is sick/stressed/tired and therefore snappish. How new is she to this whole thing? If you want to leave over this, that is your call to make since you are the one in the situation. But a little understanding and forgiveness can go a long way. Have you explained to her how much this is bothering you? If you have and she still refuses to sing "Ittsy Bitsy Spider" I'd guess there is something going on other than she thinks it isn't cool.

CougarStud -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:24:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavegirlbc i think you need to acknowledge that you have a learning curve here as a Master and Dom, just as she does as a slave. no reason why you can't learn together. if she isn't willing to communicate about it, then just drop it and go forward and have a good time with her at the amusement park. enjoy the weekend, get to know her a little bit more. maybe it is time for a bit more vanilla before you bring in the D/s dynamic. yes, I am new to this and am not to proud to ask for imput. I think she is wanting a mostly vanilla relationship with me and a bit of the D/s quote: ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer The issue here is that the D/s relationship is, at least theoretically, supposed to be one of slave to owner. Her flat refusal threatens to derail and undermine that dynamic. If there are deeper psychological issues underlying her refusal, they would be worth exploring gently and carefully. If the issue is in fact that two people are on radically different pages in terms of what constitutes an owner/slave relationship, that's a whole other ballpark and is much more likely to be the end of the relationship. I am afraid that this is what my fears are and I will talk to her about this, she came into this not realising what a slave really was but has worked hard to meet my needs and has come along way in her training. I am afraid togo slow and have her get an emotional attachment and it not be what I need.

CougarStud -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:26:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP My recollection is that she's very young, like barely legal, and zero experience except for porn. And this trip is the first time they've met and all they've done online is cyber sex. With that as a background I would have expected lots of snags. LOL! I never engaged in cyber sex with her! We talked daily on the phone for 2-3 hours a day for 5 months before she arrived.

Sunnyfey -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:28:46 PM)
Really! Come on guys, this is a little much huh? Her refusal to sing is not going to destroy their relationship!! Aren't we putting a little too much emphasis on this?

AquaticSub -> RE: A slaves refusal (9/23/2009 6:33:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CougarStud yes, I am new to this and am not to proud to ask for imput. I think she is wanting a mostly vanilla relationship with me and a bit of the D/s As much as the v word gets a bad rap around here, starting out "vanilla" with a bit of d/s isn't such a terrible, awful thing. You are learning, she is learning. Learn together and change your relationship as you go and as you both feel comfortable. If you honestly think you two would be a good match, you might want to consider setting the rules where you are comfortable now and seeing where things go.

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