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happylittlepet -> RE: Not "Feeling Special" at all (9/30/2009 10:51:56 AM)
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Damn it! (sorry if that is offensive to anyone)
I am going to be very honest here, maybe you find me tough too, but keep on reading.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth
You know, all that "tough love" talk only works for people who are capable of self-repair. Sometimes a thing gets broke, it can't be fixed.
Yes, and I alluded to that in my earlier post here (page 5). I have often felt like that myself. But I didn't give up. I still don't give up. It's not up to my circumstances or my past to dictate when it's time to give up. But you do, you have. That is dangerous. And you put it right on the boards, in my face (I won't speak for others). So what do you want me to do? And you can be honest, but I am not going to play the game you want me to play with you. Because you try to make others responsible for your life, and that is why you don't get the help you think you need. Because it's unhealthy for others to give to you what you seem to ask (yet I think you really are asking for something else).
Yes, I can listen, accept you, if you were my friend maybe I could give you the feeling you belong, but I can't give you hope. I lived for a long time with only this hope: one day it will get better. And you know what, it did. Did that come out of the blue? No, that was a long and hard process.
And sometimes the impetus for repair has to come from somewhere external.
Sure, but I can't imagine you wanting others to give something to you that is not good for them to give you. People do not fail because they recognize their own limits in what they can do for someone else.
You also set people, who want to help, up for failure; you make a self-fulfilling prophecy, because what you ask for is going to drain the giver, and then he/she has to set a limit. Then you say 'see, told you so'.
And yes, I understand, with a broken spirit, you need is a lot of care, but with accepting care comes respecting the person who gives it.
I'm theoretically going to have health insurance soon, via my college (yay college loans... if only I could stave off the impending financial disaster indefinitely!). Once that happens, it'll definitely be time to figure out my options vis-a-vis mental healthcare.
I am still confused about US semesters, by were you not already in school?
In the meantime, let me say that being perceived as "intelligent" is actually a severe detriment when navigating the "public assistance" bureaucracy. You get no help. You get no compassion. You get nothing but roadblocks and explanations that "you should be just fine; what do you need our help for?"
I agree, especially when the public facilities are cash and resource deprived, overburdened, and the 'counsellor' is in a hurry to get you out of the door. BUT! That does not release you from your own responsibility. You make it sound as if being intelligent is a bad thing. I can make sound anything bad, but that doesn't make it so. If you need help you have to keep looking till you find it.
I've had to sit there in a chair and listen, over and over again, to how they knew that I needed help, but they weren't going to help me.
You don't seem to accept that answer.
I went so far, twice, as to ask "so this is how some people end up on the street, then, begging for change and waiting for their turn to die?" Never have I seen someone on that side of a desk look so uncomfortable.
Do you want me to applaud that? Because I won't. You wanted that person to feel guilty? The change you want you have to make yourself.
I spent more effort than I could afford to expend on trying to "get help".
But you did afford it and you are still here.
Right now, I'm just barely managing to go to class and keep my grades up so that my "new lease on life via college" plan doesn't fall apart, too.
So you are in class, but no insurance? How does that work?
It's all so precarious.
Is it? (keep reading)
And you know, here's the thing: This isn't about me. I feel like this whole thread has wound up about me, and my problems.
Ah, ok. Let's have a look:
quote:
First post:
So, a thought I had, while reading through both the "Fantasies and Feeling Special" thread, and the "Too Picky???" thread.
I don't feel special. I want to feel special, desperately, but any time I ponder whether I deserve to feel special, I come up blank.
Most of the girls I'm interested in have no shortage of people interested in them. My desires are very selective and pretty mainstream, so I have a lot of competition. And you know, realistically? I'm just not that high-quality. If I were to be honest with myself, instead of pumping up my ego to look attractive, I would quickly realize that everything I have to offer one of these girls, they can probably get from someone younger, more attractive, and much higher-paid than me.
And even so, what possible right do I have to be upset about it? Plenty of people are far worse off than I am, so why am I obsessing over wanting what I know I can't have - why am I obsessing over wanting at all?
And even when I was younger, more attractive, and much higher-paid... I was one of dozens of young, attractive, high-paid men all fighting for the same prizes. Even when I turned away from the "typical" prizes of more money, prettier girls, and more prestige, even when what I wanted was contentment, or spiritual enlightenment, or just plain the ability to be okay with myself, I was acutely aware of the fact that I probably wasn't as "deserving" of it as plenty of the other people who weren't going to get it, and that ultimately, it didn't really matter whether I achieved anything or not - I was still going to be ultimately insignificant.
It's occured to be that 100% of us want to be special, but less than 1% of us actually are special. (And please, spare me the "wonderful unique snowflake BS".) So, what should the rest of us actually do? Given our psychological make-up, our need to feel "special" ourselves, how are we supposed to just step aside and let those who actually do deserve to win get to the prize, without us gumming up the process with our teeming hordes and inept attempts at puffing up to make ourselves look passable?
But every bum you've ever passed on the stret, looking at you with hollowed-out eyes and begging for enough change to drown out another night of misery and regret? There but for the grace of God go either of us. Everyone standing in the welfare line, everyone standing outside the Salvation Army with that dejected zombie-shuffle that says "my body's still moving, but my soul checked out years ago?" Every single one of those people had a story, just as poignant and deep and real as yours or mine. And it's not about how they felt about themselves or what they chose or how smart or how pretty or how anything they were that brought them there - the universe just decided to take a shit on them. Some people make it, and some don't, and we praise the winners and curse the losers and pretend like there's some "special quality" to the ones that make it. And we all act like confidence begets success, when in reality success begets confidence.
Like I wrote earlier, you put yourself in my 'face' and I am 'seeing' you, and responding to you, but you will not listen. So are the other posters here, everyone cares, GypsyMambo even writes 'who lives closest'. I thought the same thing. But it wouldn't make a difference whether we came or sent you money, or whether we talk with you, because you have made up your mind about everything (us included). It doesn't matter what the people you describe above here think or do. It should matter to you what you do and what you think. Some people don't want to be helped and then they blame the others. And no, I don't say that is true about that whole group in that paragraph, for some it is, and it's aweful, but it's beyond my capabilities to change that. Don't give me the response 'you don't care' or 'you only say that because then you don't have to invest in people'. I say, it's no use investing in someone who does not want to help him/herself as well.
Maybe that's the real secret: I'm not special because no one is special. Some people are just pretending to be, to keep themselves from having to look a cold, uncaring universe in its unblinking eye. Except even that thought sounds like something your typical whiny goth teenager would throw out... the reality is far more banal and crushing than even that.
Here we go. Sounds like what I just wrote? See, no one can 'win' from you. You want me check mate, and guilty. It won't stick with me. Does that make me uncaring? Heck no. What some people go through is almost unbearable, deeply traumatic, and often their friends/family don't know what to do with what they hear, or how to respond, and that then hurts the victim again. But can we blame those friends/family members for that? Thus it requires someone who is either trained, or naturally wise, to come alongside pain like this (maybe from experience), who has a heart so big that it is rare, and who is able to go with you to the core of that pain. Because yes, I do believe that you are in pain, and that your spirit is broken, but you are not doomed to stay there.
What I would like you to do is, accept that this is about you, and that you need someone to listen, maybe even cry with you. I sent you a cmail.
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