RE: What do you when your subs always sick?

RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

Sundowner -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 5:58:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wandersalone Seriously, to me you are coming across as selfish, whiny and lacking in understanding for her. Yes I get that you are frustrated, yes I get that your toys and your dick are suffering from underuse however it sounds like your sub of 9 years is not well plus she has the added anxieties of a parent who has a child in the military. I am sure she is not choosing to be unwell but it almost seems as if you are blaming her for not having a libido and for being sick. What can be done - continue badgering the doctors for answers, go with her to all appointments and let them know the impact this is having - her loss of libido etc, look into alternative therapies, tell her you love her, increase the intimacy you both have - you can be intimate without having sex, for example, give each other a massage, hold hands while watching a movie, give her a kiss without expecting it to lead to sex. Oh Wanders! "to me you are coming across as selfish, whiny and lacking in understanding for her" seems harsh. [sm=shame.gif] Sure the post is based on self interest, but that's different from selfish. quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: ORIGINAL: Huntertn she's been to doctors..doesn't seem to help. and I've been patience for 4 years with her[and them] Now I want aswers. lets face it, I'm 52 now..and in that dept. most men are aready finished.I guess in a few more years it wouldn't matter muvh, but it still matters to me. and frankly I think it should matter to her as well. It sure did for a number of years befor this started.Now its like that part of her soul is cut off.... you sound like you feel your sainthood canonization is a given. You have been patient for the entire 4 years of her illness and (slams fist on desk) damnit...you want answers!! And you want them now!!! Dude....maybe she does too? The fact that you state the possible end of your glory years is approaching and you feel it should be foremost on her list of priorities tells me you are an incredibly selfish individual. Oh holly! "you are an incredibly selfish individual" seems harsh. [sm=shame.gif] So wanders, holly - favourite kind ladies - pursue this further for me (and of course for OP). Why both so apparently harsh and judgemental? I got a different angle on this - a loving couple with problems, which both of them can see but which neither can resolve (either together or with help). Remember the comment in the post - "So she trieds to conpensate with cuddling[allways nice], and I try to be understanding, but if I say anything about it, there she blows...or whats worse, she tries...and faking is just to easy to tell as you all know". This suggests that each cares pretty deeply for the other and each wants to help the other. But sheesh relationships are difficult for most of us, and when the couple are getting a touch older, when there's strange continuous illness and thus stress in the mix as well, how hard is that for both of them! What I saw as the point of the post was that one partner appears to have lost interest in wiitwd (not lost interest in trying to keep the relationship going or in trying to please) while the other has a longing for wiitwd. One assumes he hasn't taken the "easy" way out of finding someone here with whom he can play on the side; but I can see how the frustration must be eating away and sounding off here in a post - even if there's little hope for a useful answer - can help. Holly, you're critical of "You have been patient for the entire 4 years of her illness and (slams fist on desk) damnit...you want answers!! And you want them now!!! " but you dear lady are a mere child (well hardly "mere", more "wonderful" actually) and so getting old is not a prob for you yet. Trust me, older ppl begin to have a different perspective - the OP mentions he's 52 (oh to be 52 again!) and I guess his feeling is that if this can't be solved soon time is running out. So I see it differently girls - explain to me where I'm wrong.

lobodomslavery -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 6:12:55 AM)
I feel for you I really do. Its hard. You either stick with her and sacrifice everything or find another partner. Kevin

barelynangel -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 6:28:38 AM)
You know folks who are acting like he is a BAD guy you are the ones acting as if he needs to figure out how to be a SAINT and should recognize that many times ILLNESSES of a loved one are JUST AS HARD on the loved ones watching who are having their whole life turned upside down, who are helpless to change anything, and yes even with cancer patients over the years the ones watching go through just as much crap and sometimes get so frustrated. Sorry but when you have a loved one close to you and you are sick, its selfish NOT to recognize that person may get frustrated etc. Its NOT ALWAYS just about the person who is sick, many times it IS harder on the ones watching who also want a life THEY can enjoy just as much as the sick person does. And it IS hard WATCHING an illness when you aren't the one who is having all the symptoms and can't really understand. He has asked for advice because YES, his life is not what he expected, he is frustrated, he loves her but hell he also wants enjoyment of what HE likes too. After 4 years, yes there is bound to be some frustration especially when what is wrong is UNKNOWN. So for those of you who feel the PATIENT IS THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS, you to me are also showing selfishness. The patient when you have someone close to you is not always and should not always be the center of attention. HE came here not for advice on what to do and perhaps ask for help in figuring out how to incorporate HIS life into her illness also by people who may have gone through same not be told by people he is being selfish because he is FRUSTRATED and yes wants part of his life back he once had with someone he loved. To me, a relationship is TWO people, not just the one who is sick. To me to make his whole life and feel he can't be frustrated or aggravated or yes sometimes pissed off because his whole life is on hold and things he REALLY enjoyed with her no longer exist is stating he shouldn't be human, he should be some saint who gives up his wants, dreams and desires for her, and ya know, that isn't fair for people to expect that of him -- he seems to be DOING it -- giving up his wants, desires, and enjoyments, but that doesn't mean he can't get frustrated, angry, or upset. I KNOW some of you have been to counseling for your illnesses or whatnot and i am sure you were told that yes at times your family members will get frustrated, angry and upset due to many things about your illness and you can't expect them NOT to or think they are selfish assholes because they are human. angel

sirsholly -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 6:42:38 AM)
quote: You know folks who are acting like he is a BAD guy you are the ones acting as if he needs to figure out how to be a SAINT and should recognize that many times ILLNESSES of a loved one are JUST AS HARD on the loved ones watching who are having their whole life turned upside down, who are helpless to change anything, and yes even with cancer patients over the years the ones watching go through just as much crap and sometimes get so frustrated. Sorry but when you have a loved one close to you and you are sick, its selfish NOT to recognize that person may get frustrated etc. Its NOT ALWAYS just about the person who is sick, many times it IS harder on the ones watching who also want a life THEY can enjoy just as much as the sick person does. And it IS hard WATCHING an illness when you aren't the one who is having all the symptoms and can't really understand. He has asked for advice because YES, his life is not what he expected, he is frustrated, he loves her but hell he also wants enjoyment of what HE likes too. After 4 years, yes there is bound to be some frustration especially when what is wrong is UNKNOWN. So for those of you who feel the PATIENT IS THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS, you to me are also showing selfishness. The patient when you have someone close to you is not always and should not always be the center of attention. HE came here not for advice on what to do and perhaps ask for help in figuring out how to incorporate HIS life into her illness also by people who may have gone through same not be told by people he is being selfish because he is FRUSTRATED and yes wants part of his life back he once had with someone he loved. To me, a relationship is TWO people, not just the one who is sick. Selfishness my ass Angel...and you are preaching to the choir here. My late husband was ill for 13 years before i lost him. There was no sex for the last fucking 11 years. You want to know how hard that was? I cannot begin to tell you. And i was never once unfaithful. I was in a committed relationship and that commitment did not end because an illness that he had no control over changed the dynamics of our intimate relationship. He gave me what he could, which was a kiss, a cuddle, smile, an "i love you". I loved him so much and what he could give me far overshadowed what he could not. I am no ones idea of a saint, not selfless or anything like that....more of the opposite in fact. But he was what i wanted when he was healthy, he remained that person when he was sick

porcelaine -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 7:08:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Huntertn The last 4 years now she's been sick off and on for months at at time.She says its her cycle of life. Maybe it is, but I've got cases of toys wasting away,floggers drying out, and lots of stands gathering dust with no end in sight.Not to menting a growing prostrate,lol. She goes to the Doctors, gets meds, but in the end ...nothing..no sex drive,So she trieds to conpensate with cuddling[allways nice], and I try to be understanding, but if I say anything about it, there she blows...or whats worse, she tries...and faking is just to easy to tell as you all know....So..what do you do? and Ladies...not to beat it round the bush.I'm asking for real aswers not soapbox drama. I love da girl you know...Huntertn this is a very sad situation which has undoubtedly left you both frustrated and wanting. the first thing i'd suggest is support on both sides of the relationship. you need someone you can vent to and she does as well. i don't necessarily think it has to be a therapist, but definitely someone you both feel comfortable talking with. i would also suggest that you both maintain some contact with the leather community if you can. outreach is available and you may receive valuable feedback on alternative methods of play. you never know, but casting the net wide can't hurt either. in regard to the physical discomfort she's experiencing, there could be a host of ailments where those symptoms might appear. but since you mentioned stress as a trigger two things are coming to mind and there's the stomach discomfort as well. for the stomach, she'd need to undergo a ct scan with the dye and barium. if they can't find anything and the pain persists an endoscopy would be the next best option. i don't know if the pain you've mentioned is accompanied with swelling or water retention, i'd gather a doctor would have caught that by now. the constant fatigue could possibly be caused by chronic fatigue syndrome and stress worsens this condition. as for the pain, you didn't say if this was muscular or limited to the joint areas, but you might want to have her see a rheumatologist to consider if fibromyalgia might be the culprit. before that occurs blood work can be done to rule out epstein barr which can have similar symptoms. the back pain can be improved through stretching exercises. although i'd recommend you ask for a referral to a physical therapist. they have a number of techniques that will improve her mobility and pain management skills. in spite of her discomfort it is imperative that she keeps moving, otherwise the muscles atrophy and the pain escalates. she can be given medication to offset this if she's experiencing inflammation or pain on a continual basis. however, i recommend that you explore alternative health methods to prevent reliance on medication. what she'd probably be given is a narcotic and eventually her body will learn to tolerate this. wellness specialists can provide her with supplements that can boost the immune system and possibly aid her condition. investigate accupuncture, if it isn't covered by your insurance plan see if you have a school in your area. the clinic are usually free or of nominal expense. many have reported positive experiences and the reduction or elimination of their discomfort. now the last part is you. it is difficult seeing someone we care for become ill. especially when the doctors have been unable to diagnose or properly treat the condition. you both need an outlet from all of this. it can become the sole focus of the relationship and weigh things down tremendously. i would also speak honestly about the play situation and what you're desiring. perhaps you can agree to take in someone temporarily that could give the physical release you're seeking and provide domestic assistance to your wife as well. every problem has a solution and sometimes it requires us to think outside the box and make lateral moves instead. there are many options available to you. your decision rests on selecting the ones that are most fitting and beneficial to your relationship. best of luck. porcelaine

IrishMist -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 7:25:26 AM)
I am astounded that some of you here would say that the op is being selfish about his needs. What ever happened to the standard reply of 'if your needs are not being met, then it's time to change something". Not once did I see this come up in any reply to the OP. I wonder why. Is it because he's a gasp a man. And since he's a man, he's not entitltled to the same that a woman would be given in the same situation? The only selfishness I see is on the part of the sub here in her refusal to attempt to try and find a common ground in meeting HIS needs for a change. If she is not willing to do that,then maybe it's time for a bigger change.

thishereboi -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 7:31:58 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: IrishMist I am astounded that some of you here would say that the op is being selfish about his needs. What ever happened to the standard reply of 'if your needs are not being met, then it's time to change something". Not once did I see this come up in any reply to the OP. I wonder why. Is it because he's a gasp a man. And since he's a man, he's not entitltled to the same that a woman would be given in the same situation? The only selfishness I see is on the part of the sub here in her refusal to attempt to try and find a common ground in meeting HIS needs for a change. If she is not willing to do that,then maybe it's time for a bigger change. She is sick, she is not refusing to try and find common ground, SHE IS SICK. This happens to people. It's a good reason to make sure your compatible outside the bed before you get into a committed relationship with someone. That way when one or the other has some thing happen where they lose their sex drive, you still have a reason to stick around. An no, so far no one has suggested he leave his partner of 9 years just because she got sick and doesn't have a sex drive right now. Possibly because that would be a very shitty thing to do. I guess for you the vow would be "until death do us part, or you can't get it up any more"

sirsholly -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 7:36:16 AM)
quote: The only selfishness I see is on the part of the sub here in her refusal to attempt to try and find a common ground in meeting HIS needs for a change. If she is not willing to do that,then maybe it's time for a bigger change. i agree with you on this one. If he honestly feels she is unwilling or unable to meet his needs then the best thing he can do is make a bigger change...as in get out. Irregardless of what benefit there is to him..it will probably help her in the long run. She has an illness that is no doubt as maddening for her as it is for him emotionally, plus she has the added thrill of the one experiencing all the symptoms. The last thing she needs to do is hear him bitch that he is 52, his best years will soon be behind him, and his toys are collecting dust. I understand his frustration...i honestly do. What i do not understand is the attitude.

happylittlepet -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 8:28:15 AM)
FR after read through: It's going to be very interesting to ponder the differences in responses in this thread compared to the ones here: http://www.collarchat.com/m_2823153/tm.htm which deals with the possible consequences of practicing BDSM for a long time, and might lead to the OP not getting what she wants.

kyraofMists -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 8:45:40 AM)
I know that in our house, when he decides that he wants to have sex with me, then we have sex. He has had sex with me when I have had severe bronchitis and when I have been in incredible pain. A couple months ago I started having severe pain during penetration. The doctors are trying to determine what is causing the issue and have not said that having sex is causing harm. So when he wants to have sex, we have sex. There have been times that I have cried through the whole thing because of how much it hurts. There have also been a couple times when there was no pain and I was quite pleasantly surprised. I don't see him as selfish for doing this. He is not causing harm and I am to do as I am told. He has tried different positions to see which is less painful for me and he has also tried being more gentle during sex to cause less pain. I am open and willing to do what he wants me to do so that my medical issues do not have a negative impact on our relationship. This works for our relationship. I am his slave and I am required to do his will not matter how much I may not want to at that time. All three of us also do what is best for our relationship even if we have to suffer while doing it. Knight's Kyra

barelynangel -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 9:01:55 AM)
FR -- i am still trying to figure out how he is being selfish -- Hell the guy comes here asking for people to help and he gets sarcasm and told he is selfish because god forbid he admits he is human and isn't able to always be supportive and full of optimism and yes may feel sorry for himself ONCE IN A WHILE -- geesh you people must never lived in glass houses because i will call anyone a liar who has been in this situation who states they never felt sorry for themselves wanting it to be back to normal -- even for a moment. How bloody selfish of the guy to come on a website wherein many people deal with the experiences he would like to enjoy with his girl again and ASK FOR HELP AND IDEAS -- selfish prick. How dare he seek to bring enjoyment into their relationship again when he should just sit and fret and feel sorry for her and himself and just accept the day to day negative no you can'ts instead of seeking yes you cans. SO the guy is worried once she gets better HE may be unable to satisfy her because of his own body failing him, maybe he wants to figure out how to enjoy it WITH HER while they still can without harming her. Maybe he was just seeking help instead of judgment from people who have all types if experience in this lifestyle. You know, sometimes people are just asking for help in a situation or brainstorming of ideas he AND SHE because i have a feeling she would also love to find ideas that work, could possibly try to bring some former enjoyment into their lives. Nope, let's not brainstorm with the guy so maybe THEY BOTH could enjoy stuff they once did, let's call him selfish for daring to seek advice and ideas. angel

angelikaJ -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 9:18:48 AM)
I would suggest if the OP isn't doing this already, to go to medical appointments with her. You may think of things that she hasn't, ask different questions and by being a partner in her health may be better able to facilitate what the next steps are as the medical professionals sort this out. Dealing with an unknown enemy for 4 yrs is very draining, and the best way to deal is to have a united front.

barelynangel -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 9:24:55 AM)
quote: There was no sex for the last fucking 11 years. You want to know how hard that was? I cannot begin to tell you. And i was never once unfaithful. So what Holly. Do you think you are special in this? You really aren't. There are many people who go through stuff like this -- more than most people really want to know. ITs hard for ALL people who go through something like this -- it may be different concepts that are dealt with but one frustration for someone doesn't make it selfish or wrong because someone else didn't have the SAME frustration or didn't dwell on it. What the OP is going through is no more or less than what you went through Holly -- it may be simply different. You cannot judge what he is going through based on what YOU did and how you reacted or did things -- as you said, you weren't a saint, then why do you expect this guy to be such just because his struggles may be of a different sort than yours or he may be handling them differently? Why is he selfish and yet you weren't from what you said? However, i DO know many loved ones of sick people are hesitant to talk to others about their frustrations and wishes and wants because they do feel guilty and selfish, and of course there are people who will call them same just to do so. Illness IS hard on ALL involved as you seem to know. So why would you berate a guy who simply came here asking for some help trying to incorporate something it seems THEY BOTH ENJOYED before she got sick, that maybe with brainstorms of ideas they could find enjoyment in such thing again they just haven't found what works. He hasn't been unfaithful either - unless i missed it, and it seems he is stating how hard it is and is trying to help them BOTH with something they use to enjoy as it seems they have been together for a long time and she has been sick for a long time so it doesn't seem like his TOTAL FOCUS ON THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS SEX, even though people are trying to make him out that way, however, maybe he is at a point wherein he hopes someone can help him as well hell maybe there is. To me if it was all about sex, he wouldn't have lasted 4 years before getting to this point. Instead you call him selfish -- from what i gather SHE is also upset they can't enjoy what they once did and tries to make up for it. So maybe his request here is TO HELP THEM BOTH enjoy a semblance of something so for a little while this illness isn't all what their life is about. angel

sirsholly -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 9:39:50 AM)
quote: So what Holly. Do you think you are special in this? You really aren't. There are many people who go through stuff like this -- more than most people really want to know. Sorry you missed what ELSE i said in that post. Here...allow me to quote: quote: I am no ones idea of a saint, not selfless or anything like that....more of the opposite in fact. How short sighted of me to not recognize that saying i am the opposite of selfless and a saint is indicating i am special. [8\|] I do understand the frustration...been there, done that, and have taken the cold showers. As i said earlier...it is the attitude that i have an issue with. If the op vents on here that his toys are collecting dust, you can bet your ass he is conveying that attitude to her as well.

ranja -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 9:43:54 AM)
it is very very awful when your partner does not want sex... i have been there... the times we did it slowly dwindled down until we reached an average of once every 3 to 4 months and not even very good quality session when we finally did manage to get it together... 0ur dry spell lasted a decade. I knew he was not cheating on me... but i so wanted him to really... him having sex elsewhere was somehow an easier thought to manage than him not wanting any at all... the subject was not something we could talk about any more... anything sexy on telly caused us to sit there totally cramped with curled toes in silence... oh it was just absolutely awful. I sooooo wanted to have an affair or a one night stand at least... i felt entirely entitled.... luckily i am a bit chicken and i did not see anybody i fancied either... so i did cyber.... eventually i got Him back good luck

littlewonder -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 10:23:50 AM)
Well, if it were Master who was always sick I would be there for him, take care of him, make sure he continues to see other doctors, therapists or whatever it would take to get him back on track to where he was before. If it turns out he could never get back on track and it's something he'll have to live with then me personally..I'd still be there for him and do whatever I could for him because the toys and sex are just that...toys and sex, not the relationship I have with him. I'm the type that when I'm in a relationship I'm in it for the long haul..for good or bad health. If you feel that you need to have all those toys used though maybe she'll agree to allow you to go to a dungeon and use them on some sub there or allow you to have another sub. Talk to her. Another thought..you said she's tired, her back hurts, she's stressed out about her kids, etc... What are YOU doing to help??? Do you help around the house, help lift some of the burden off of her? Do you tell her how special she is to her? When was the last time you told her you loved her and wanted to be with her?? And how often do you badger her for sex/play? After awhile that would piss anyone off. They would feel like the only time you wanna be near them is when you wanna get fucked. So ask yourself...do you make her life easier or more difficult?

NormalOutside -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 10:28:02 AM)
I feel your pain and frustration... that would really suck, OP. I can't help but feel there might be a mood or anxiety disorder behind all the somatic complaints. It also seems like your relationship might be unfulfilling for her in other areas. Good luck...

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 10:50:39 AM)
quote: varies....stomack cramps, constain direaa,bending over gets disse,[spell check is not working dang it]tired all the time,feet and back hurts, the list goes on and on. These are not -diagnoses-, they are -symptoms-. If she does not have a comprehensive diagnosis of her illness, she is likely not getting the proper treatment for that illness. Therefore, the fact that she is still sick after 4 years is not surprising at all. Arrange for an appointment with a good diagnostic medicine center, and make sure they have her full medical history. Then, explain about the other aspects, like loss of libido, etc., as well that may not show up on the medical history. None of this is going to be quick, easy, or cheap, and there's no guarantee that you'll be able to dip your dick in that fountain when all is said and done, so if that's what has the highest priority for you, then be honest about it and figure out where things are going from there. Dame Calla

ranja -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 10:52:27 AM)
Sirsholly said: The last thing she needs to do is hear him bitch that he is 52, his best years will soon be behind him, and his toys are collecting dust. It might not help the siruation indeed but god knows i felt like that... indeed the best years of my life and all my lovely underwear and sexy dresses and heels... all wasted on a boring sack of spuds infront of the telly with head-aches and stomach cramps and other vague complaints. And we are a couple and we promised each other to take care of each other... so i felt like really he should take care of my sex needs aswell... i mean it is not like he would agree to me going elsewhere to take care of the problem... it is not fair to have to be understanding all the time and get nothing for it... sometimes the other person just has to snap out of it and make an effort...it can be extremely difficult to find a way back in when somebody has closed down and refuses to open even a little window... i felt like killing him sometimes... i would wake up in the middle of the night with him sleeping next to me and i wanted to kill him.

DesFIP -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 11:02:18 AM)
The selfishness comes about because when she can do this for him, he complains that she isn't doing it because she's aroused. She's doing what she can to please him and it isn't enough. There are times I can't orgasm, but he can. Would he prefer it if I could? Hell yes. But he doesn't complain that the best I can do isn't good enough and that I'm faking wanting to have sex with him. Even if I can't orgasm, as long as it isn't actually causing pain, I still want it and I still want to do what I am able to in order to make him happy. Being told that isn't good enough, that my motive, my love isn't good enough is hurtful beyond belief.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.640625