RE: What do you when your subs always sick?

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Lockit -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 11:03:52 AM)
Oh dear god... maybe some of you really need to go visit a few sites where people are ill, their familie's are being torn apart, the medical community doesn't know what the hell is going on... after all it is filled with human's with sometimes limited medical knowledge on newer and strange illnesses that don't get funds for research or funds are funneled to other more popular illnesses, such as fibromyalgia which is considered by many... an emotional problem because there is no definitive test... which I would also have you research Ross Puroe who funded research out of a Texas University that found a test that proved it as well as Gulf War disease that the government refused to investigate when our soldiers came back ill and passing genetic changes to their children. (I know run on sentence, but I am typing as I can talk sometimes on this type of issue.) Go and see the pain at these support sites where people were once loved and then rejected because they had the audacity to get ill with an illness that isn't known or paid attention to and there are very real reasons the government and medical community would have not to prove these illnesses because some of them reach into the millions that insurance companies and the government would have a part to play in the care of such individuals. Then if you pay attention you may see people saying.. where is so and so? Many lose everything and cannot be online or have a computer and many become homeless. You put yourself not only in the op's position. How would you feel if your partner couldn't keep up with all you once did and yes it would be devestating and there are supports for partners of ill persons... but go and see the other side or put yourself there. How would you feel? Slowly but surely your body is suffering, strange symptoms no one can figure out and all you want is someone to fix you so you can get back to your life. Because they can't figure it out or won't as in the case of my daughter... because they were saying she was too young for a dx like her mother's, which is exactly like her mother's... and now you can't even get help you need medically, your spouse because of this is saying and agreeing with the doctors that it is all in your head and you blame your spouse for the major changes in your life. Go to these sites and see the pain there. I dare you. See the custody battles, the young one's who's lives are being shattered in every way they can shatter. Look into the faces of those young ones afraid one parent is going to die... they get no supports because it just isn't available to most. I found only one agency that supported the little one's through it but only if the parent was dying. If they don't know what is wrong... sorry you don't fit. If your parent is in jail you can get support, but rarely can you find support for the chronically ill person's children. If there is such out there, it is something newer since I stopped advocating because of my own health. If the spouse feels it is a life sentence... they didn't sign up for that... go... no one can stop them.. but don't blame, accuse and abuse the spouse for years while you decide you can't stick around until the sex or income or whatever can be good again. It most likely will not unless the patient can be medicated and that brings up another problem they face. Now they become a drug addict on top of everything else because wow... no one can responsibly take pain medication without becoming a lying, cheat with an addiction and a drug seeker. These doctors do not know everything and those jumping on the bad wagon to say it is a mental or emotional health thing just simply do not know what the hell they are talking about. So if people are disposable, put that in your love/relationship/bdsm contract. I will love you as long as you can do this that and this other thing. If this happens our relationship is over. How many would join someone saying that? I will tell you how many. The one's who think low of themselves and don't expect that much or those who think it could never happen to them. That's how many. If it is okay to have a committed relationship and walk out when the going gets tough, which it will for many of us... then maybe we should consider stating that while the good times flow... I will love you. When the bad times come, at the toughest time of your life, I will abandon you because I didn't sign up for that! You lil bitch/bastard for doing that! Go sit for weeks/months/years with people who have been called names, blamed and attacked who have lost everything including family and see then... and most often at that point... the depression, frustration, pain, loss and devestation. And ask them how they feel about it. And then picture yourself there. It is the common who leave... the amazing who do not. You dont have to be mother teresa to give a damn, but most people's give a damn button has been broken.

kiwisub12 -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 11:26:16 AM)
After two amazing years together, my Sir developed cancer - metastatic - where there is no quick surgical fix, and has been going through chemotherapy. Basically , for three weeks out of four, he has been having poison pumped into his body , to kill the cancer. Most of the time he feels half way ok, some of the time he feels normal and some of the time he feels like stomped dookee. Our lives have changed. We play less and get out less. Our lives have changed and not for the better - did i consider leaving him? No, and lest i be nominated for sainthood, it isn't because i am so wonderful, its because i love this man. Our worst day together is better than a day without him. I understand the OP's concerns, but the bottom line is, is your life better with your partner,or without her? If the answer is - better off without her, then leave. You won't do her any favours by staying with her with half a heart. But if the answer is better with her, then dive into that relationship with a full and joyful heart. And i don't know why you wouldn't want to consider a toy to play with. It would take pressure off your partner and fufill your needs . Sounds like a win/win situation to me - as long as it is consentual.

DesFIP -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 1:04:55 PM)
Basically the answer to the op ought to be another question. OP, if you were chronically sick, unable to have sex or play would you want her to walk out on you? Or cheat on you? Or would you hope she would love you enough to stay with you?

krikket -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 3:42:47 PM)
i've been the spouse of someone who was in pain all the time and supported him in every way i knew how. i've also been the one who's sick, although by that time my marriage had ended and i was left to handle it alone. Neither position is any fun, and they both require lots of commitment from each of us. A little over a year ago i was dx with fibromyalgia, something they don't even try to diagnois until you've had it 6-12 months. It has a whole lot of different symptoms, all that were either treated separately or i was patted on the head and told to go away. It was finally my rheumatologist that told me what i had, and just the relief of having a name for it was worth everything. to the OP: i agree that it would be a huge help for you to go to the doctor's with her, back your toys away and cuddle if that's all she can do for now. i wish you both all the best in the days to come.

sweetsub1957 -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 6:23:38 PM)
OP, I feel for ya, I really do. But, I wouldn't want to be abandoned cause I feel shitty all the time. Maybe she's depressed? That might cause a host of different physical symptoms. Or the physical problems could be making her depressed. It can be a vicious circle. I decided if I were way sick and could no longer help out my partner in that area of our relationship, I would feel okay about Him finding the sex elsewhere, as long as He still loved and cared for me....the kisses, the cuddles, that stuff. Would she allow You that without guilt-tripping? It would take some of the pressure off of both of you. It sounds like she still does care for You, and You for her. Just an idea.....

winterlight -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 6:40:30 PM)
Has she seen a specialist? Has her Doctor suggested she be seen by someone else?

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/27/2009 8:29:35 PM)
quote: Basically the answer to the op ought to be another question. OP, if you were chronically sick, unable to have sex or play would you want her to walk out on you? Or cheat on you? Or would you hope she would love you enough to stay with you? You know, people make this sound like it's a -bad- thing to want to get your needs met in a relationship. (1) If he made a commitment to provide for this woman and take care of her health and welfare, then getting good medical care and advice (including a diagnostic specialist to diagnose atypical, rare, or difficult-to-diagnose disease) is a baseline for appropriate behavior. (2) If she can't provide for his sexual needs, they -do- need to figure out how he can get those needs met. (3) If he discovers that he can't deal with her illness, it seems to me that it is more honest and forthright to be straightforward about that, and to give both of them closure. I went through this 9 years ago, when my MS wacked out for 2 years, leaving me bed-bound, unable to ambulate, and occasionally unable to speak or see. I had one companion who just couldn't deal with caring for a full-time sick person. We had to work it out, and I made arrangements so that xhe wasn't trapped in that situation. I still valued our relationship, but I've since made sure that xhe will -never- have to be put in a position where xhe has to feel guilty or pushed into providing care for me when that isn't something xhe feels capable of. We still love one another -- but I don't expect -THIS THING- from hir... and xhe doesn't feel compelled to -give- this aspect, and isn't left feeling guilty or resentful because we didn't deal with it and just let it fester. Sometimes, we don't -know- that we can't deal with something until we're in the middle of it, and I'd rather have someone be honest with me, and help them to find other ways of having their needs met than have everyone be miserable. Dame Calla

ranja -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 12:07:57 AM)
Thank you Dame Calla i think along these lines too... it is about two people and one persons need to be taken care of because they are ill does not mean that the other persons need for sex has to be shoved under the carpet as some selfish dirty thing that should not even be mentioned. For me the getting of some good sex means that i can deal with all the monsters... not getting release turns me into a bad tempered pathetic frustrated wench unable to cope with even the little things and generally a pain to be around and to expect your partner to go without sex because you can not, or do not want to give it to them is selfish too

thishereboi -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 4:42:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists I know that in our house, when he decides that he wants to have sex with me, then we have sex. He has had sex with me when I have had severe bronchitis and when I have been in incredible pain. A couple months ago I started having severe pain during penetration. The doctors are trying to determine what is causing the issue and have not said that having sex is causing harm. So when he wants to have sex, we have sex. There have been times that I have cried through the whole thing because of how much it hurts. There have also been a couple times when there was no pain and I was quite pleasantly surprised. I don't see him as selfish for doing this. He is not causing harm and I am to do as I am told. He has tried different positions to see which is less painful for me and he has also tried being more gentle during sex to cause less pain. I am open and willing to do what he wants me to do so that my medical issues do not have a negative impact on our relationship. This works for our relationship. I am his slave and I am required to do his will not matter how much I may not want to at that time. All three of us also do what is best for our relationship even if we have to suffer while doing it. Knight's Kyra I am really glad this works out for you, but I have to say if my mistress knew I was sick and sex was painful for me and she just had to get a nut anyway, I would have to find a new mistress. If she can't wait until I am feeling better than obviously an orgasim is more important than I am and she needs to find a new way to get one.

sweetsub1957 -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 4:56:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957 OP, I feel for ya, I really do. But, I wouldn't want to be abandoned cause I feel shitty all the time. Maybe she's depressed? That might cause a host of different physical symptoms. Or the physical problems could be making her depressed. It can be a vicious circle. I decided if I were way sick and could no longer help out my partner in that area of our relationship, I would feel okay about Him finding the sex elsewhere, as long as He still loved and cared for me....the kisses, the cuddles, that stuff. Would she allow You that without guilt-tripping? It would take some of the pressure off of both of you. It sounds like she still does care for You, and You for her. Just an idea..... I should also add to my previous post. When You mention it, how do You approach it? Is it with genuine interest and emotional support, or is it judgmentally and negatively? I know it's very frustrating, but sometimes emotional support goes a long ways.

DarkSteven -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 5:39:07 AM)
DameCalla, I'm with you.I had a similar situation, where a partner became very low energy. I was drained in tending to all her, my, and the household's needs, and our sex life plummeted to zero. I stuck with it for a couple of years and left when I couldn't take it any more.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 5:55:06 AM)
Why the generalized statement, we often times go months at a time litterally 4 or 5 months with out sex because neither of us feel the need to fuck, and we also have sex with no kink, and it's not odd, it's just how we want to fuck. quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven If there's no sex, that's bad. If there's no sex OR kink, that's really bad. But if there's sex but no kink, that would be... odd. quote: she tries...and faking is just to easy to tell as you all know....So..what do you do? and Ladies...not to beat it round the bush.I'm asking for real aswers not soapbox drama. I love da girl you know...Huntertn

angelikaJ -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 5:57:00 AM)
I am not going to jump on the "he is selfish" bandwagon. Relationships are about the wellbeing, needs, wants and desires of 2 people. Having our needs and wants met are a part of our wellbeing, and his wellbeing is no less important than hers.

sirsholly -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 5:57:21 AM)
quote: Why the generalized statement, we often times go months at a time litterally 4 or 5 months with out sex because neither of us feel the need to fuck, and we also have sex with no kink, and it's not odd, it's just how we want to fuck. the key word is "neither". That is not the case here

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 6:17:58 AM)
Maybe she needs therapy and you go into couples counsoling to get over this hump, people don't just lock parts of their soul away rregularly or suddenly for no good reason normally. quote: ORIGINAL: Huntertn she's been to doctors..doesn't seem to help. and I've been patience for 4 years with her[and them] Now I want aswers. lets face it, I'm 52 now..and in that dept. most men are aready finished.I guess in a few more years it wouldn't matter muvh, but it still matters to me. and frankly I think it should matter to her as well. It sure did for a number of years befor this started.Now its like that part of her soul is cut off....

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 6:19:29 AM)
True. quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: Why the generalized statement, we often times go months at a time litterally 4 or 5 months with out sex because neither of us feel the need to fuck, and we also have sex with no kink, and it's not odd, it's just how we want to fuck. the key word is "neither". That is not the case here

ranja -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 6:59:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom Maybe she needs therapy and you go into couples counsoling to get over this hump, people don't just lock parts of their soul away regularly or suddenly for no good reason normally. if the illness is not so serious and more an excuse not to have sex than anything else... maybe therapy as a couple might help my Husband would sooner die than talk to a therapist ever... He knew He was doing me wrong really... He did not know how to fix it and preferred to hide behind stupid excuses rather than confront the issue and deal with it... eventually i really got really angry at Him... i made sure He knew i wanted to kill Him and He was worried enough to start taking the problem more serious instead of using His energy to divert me. Also i had found a way back in with the help of a dominant on-line... obviously i was not my Husband's ideal of a wife anymore either... i needed to change too...

NihilusZero -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 8:56:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wandersalone Seriously, to me you are coming across as selfish, whiny and lacking in understanding for her. Yes I get that you are frustrated, yes I get that your toys and your dick are suffering from underuse however it sounds like your sub of 9 years is not well plus she has the added anxieties of a parent who has a child in the military. I am sure she is not choosing to be unwell but it almost seems as if you are blaming her for not having a libido and for being sick. This is borderline insulting. There is a big difference between attempting to sabotage a relationship because of ulterior motives (which he's clearly not doing after 4 years of discomfort) and being openly honest about a relationship that has become unfulfilling in a particular fashion. He's selfish because he won't martyr his emotional and physical feelings of things that are important to him in the relationship? Has she martyred hers equally to take into consideration the discomfort she is causing him? And blame is irrelevant. He hasn't been casting any from what I can see but the sucky reality of their situation is that there is a diametrically opposed set of states that causes tension. While I can appreciate the mentality that being in a relationship for enough years should give you some sort of equity in your partners freedoms and self-fulfillment path, it's actually contradictory to what a genuinely objective mutual caring situation would engender.

NihilusZero -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 9:03:33 AM)
People are interchanging "blame" and "responsibility" too much in this thread for the purpose of demonizing this guy. Yes, actually she is responsible for her part of the sexual relationship not being held up. This doesn't mean there is anyone to blame and it certainly does not imply that if you can interpret selfishness and blame-laying through some tortured path between the two that the guy is suddenly now some horrible person. Sure, we can take into consideration that biological factors which cannot be controlled are making things difficult for her, but her ability to provide fuel towards the happiness of her partner in the relationship is not magically compromised along with it. It's not suddenly his job to do the bulk of compromise, it should still be a team endeavor, even if the solutions may involve something potentially end-relevant to the team status.

NihilusZero -> RE: What do you when your subs always sick? (9/28/2009 9:09:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Basically the answer to the op ought to be another question. OP, if you were chronically sick, unable to have sex or play would you want her to walk out on you? Or cheat on you? Or would you hope she would love you enough to stay with you? Strangely, that series of questions sounds like one born of selfish thought. We all certainly want to have a relationship that will prove as close to eternal as possible, but if we demand it at the cost of the serenity and happiness of our partners (or at least under their continual dissatisfaction) what are we really gaining? The situation just sucks for everyone. Trying to demean one of the people for daring to consider whether a parting of ways in some form or another should be a viable option to consider helps no one unless we like relationships with building resentment and disillusionment.

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