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What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 9:33:59 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		The last 4 years now she's been sick off and on for months at at time.She says its her cycle of life. Maybe it is, but I've got cases of toys wasting away,floggers drying out, and lots of stands gathering dust with no end in sight.Not to menting a growing prostrate,lol. She goes to the Doctors, gets meds, but in the end ...nothing..no sex drive,So she trieds to conpensate with cuddling[allways nice], and I try to be understanding, but if I say anything about it, there she blows...or whats worse, she tries...and faking is just to easy to tell as you all know....So..what do you do? and Ladies...not to beat it round the bush.I'm asking for real aswers  not soapbox drama. I love da girl you know...Huntertn
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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 9:39:26 PM   
DavanKael


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Status: offline 		What are the diagnoses that the doctors are treating her for? 
  Davan

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 9:48:33 PM   
Huntertn


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Status: offline 		varies....stomack cramps, constain direaa,bending over gets disse,[spell check is not working dang it]tired all the time,feet and back hurts, the list goes on and on.
   Funny,this really got worse after her youngest boy joined his older brother in the Army, and yea he's on his first tour in anfganna

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:11:30 PM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		What exactly is the issue?  You present it as though the lack of kink is the issue.  But if there's no sex, that would be more serious than kinklessness to me.

If there's no sex, that's bad.  If there's no sex OR kink, that's really bad.  But if there's sex but no kink, that would be... odd.


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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:18:54 PM   
Missokyst


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Status: offline 		She has been this way for 4 yrs, how long have you been together?  Cuddling is nice but it isnt sex, and sex is not bdsm if that is what you crave.  People don't always grow and change in the same direction, how is your life with her otherwise?

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:20:58 PM   
Lockit


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Status: offline 		You are talking a number of different things and I would guess she has a number of things going on and stress makes them worse. I sounded like that... everyone thought I was doing it to get out of working or life. I had a damn fine life! I was up and coming... in the paper... doing what I loved doing and making a name for myself as well as a great career and bam! You are so fucked now!

The doctors were clueless and blamed me. Pretty soon my husband blamed me and then was ever so nice to curve my spine in his frustration... which ended our marriage and made me worse.

Boy did he feel like a fool when they found out what was wrong with me.. what some meds can do to you and such. I had meds that killed my ability to orgasm. I could get all yes, lets go... oh yeah! And then no relief. I gave up those meds so I could have at least one thing left in life.

It took thirty six years to dx the one illness and over forty for the other.

The stress of her son and maybe your frustrations will make everything worse. Check into what she is taking and google. Research and be loving. Many spouses can't hang with it and the doctors can't always find out why and life explodes... It takes a fine human being to handle it all.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 9/26/2009 10:22:13 PM >

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:22:28 PM   
Huntertn


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Status: offline 		there is little sex and dam few sessions.[how do you session wiht someone that is hurting befor you  even start]
and almost 9 years together now. and except for that life is somewhat stressfull, but when is it  Not stressfull these days

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:26:50 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		Do you have to inflict pain?

Cant you change your style of play?

And her medications may be throwing her libido out of whack...I suggest couples counseling though, it cant hurt.


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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:30:25 PM   
Huntertn


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Status: offline 		she's been to doctors..doesn't seem to help. and I've been patience for 4 years with her[and them] Now I want aswers. lets face it, I'm 52 now..and in that dept. most men are aready finished.I guess in a few more years it wouldn't matter muvh, but it still matters to me. and frankly I think it should matter to her as well. It sure did for a number of years befor this started.Now its like that part of her soul is cut off....

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:33:02 PM   
Huntertn


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Status: offline 		I can play in any numbers of ways,pain is not the only way to go at all. but even non pain just sexual play is almost out now..its about all thats left..and months between that...

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:34:02 PM   
Lockit


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Status: offline 		You are blaming her for what the doctors cannot figure out. It may matter a lot to her... but she is so friggin messed up with it all.. that has to take priority... getting well.

See if you can get her to agree to your playing elsewhere and still love her and be her man if you can.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:36:04 PM   
BKSir


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Status: offline 		Now, when you say "doctors", do you mean physicians alone or have the two of you looked into some mental health options?  It seriously sounds a great deal like much of it can be induced easily by the stress of her kids and their situation.  Compound that with the fact that she obviously WANTS to make you happy as well, but can't for whatever reasons, and that just makes it all the worse, which ends up a big snowball effect.

You obviously love her, and it hurts you to see her going through this and not just because you're not getting any.  Explain that to her, that you want to help her figure out what's wrong and make it better.

I'm not saying it IS all stress, but, it very well could be.  I hope things do get better for the both of you soon though.


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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:38:45 PM   
Sunnyfey


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From: OK
Status: offline 		I'm sorry. I'm just a little upset by this. It's not her fault. And after all the years shes been with you....



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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:44:00 PM   
wandersalone


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Status: offline 		Seriously, to me you are coming across as selfish, whiny and lacking in understanding for her. Yes I get that you are frustrated, yes I get that your toys and your dick are suffering from underuse however it sounds like your sub of 9 years is not well plus she has the added anxieties of a parent who has a child in the military.  I am sure she is not choosing to be unwell but it almost seems as if you are blaming her for not having a libido and for being sick.

What can be done - continue badgering the doctors for answers, go with her to all appointments and let them know the impact this is having - her loss of libido etc, look into alternative therapies, tell her you love her, increase the intimacy you both have - you can be intimate without having sex, for example, give each other a massage, hold hands while watching a movie, give her a kiss without expecting it to lead to sex.


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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 10:44:06 PM   
Lockit


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Status: offline 		When there are many physcial manifistations of different things... I tend to believe the mental or emotional impact comes after the illness, not bringing it on. Doctor's don't like difficult patients and they love to blame the emotional or the patient.

It can be pretty fucked up when they call it an emotional something and years later there really is a name for it that a patient and good doctor sticks with it to find. Blaming a patient by suggesting it is all in the head... man... for someone like me.. that pisses the fuck outta me. I've talked to hundreds of people in advocating for change who had rare and strange illnesses and every one of them was called a 5150 repeatedly and not one got an apology when the accusers were proven wrong.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/26/2009 11:09:08 PM   
CarrieO


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Status: offline 		What would I do if my sub was always sick?  I would do all I could to find out why and exactly what the diagnosis was.  Given what information you've offered, including the fact that this has been going on for 4 years, it sounds like you (and she) need to take the bull by the horns and find out what the problem is.

I do understand your, and her, frustration with the medical community.  I spent 3 yrs bouncing from doctor to doctor for a foot problem that none of them could figure out.  I had my suspicions and when I voiced them, they pretty much patted me on the head and told me to leave it to the trained professionals.
This was unacceptable to me and in desperation I went to, what I said would be the last specialist, with MY diagnosis.  He took one look and was in complete agreement and was surprised I even knew of the condition.  It was only because I made the choice to be an informed patient...or as I like to say, informed consumer.

Do your own research...don't settle for vague medical answers...inform yourself about the medications she is on...seek out alternative therapies. You've put 9 yrs into this relationship and you say you love her...now is the time to step up to the plate, if you choose to remain with her, and do what you need to in order to help her and remember she isn't just a toy to be tossed aside because its broken. 

You mentioned "I guess in a few more years it wouldn't matter muvh, but it still matters to me. and frankly I think it should matter to her as well. It sure did for a number of years befor this started.Now its like that part of her soul is cut off.... "   Well, it sounds like she has lost a part of herself.  It also sounds like you're holding her responsible for putting a damper on your sex life by being sick.  I hope I misinterpreted that.



< Message edited by CarrieO -- 9/26/2009 11:22:01 PM >

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/27/2009 2:14:45 AM   
BoundDragon


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Huntertn
but in the end ...nothing..no sex drive,So she trieds to conpensate with cuddling[allways nice], and I try to be understanding, but if I say anything about it, there she blows...or whats worse, she tries...and faking is just to easy to tell as you all know....So..what do you do? and Ladies...not to beat it round the bush.I'm asking for real aswers  not soapbox drama. I love da girl you know...Huntertn


Well I think there are a few conclusions you can draw from this little snippit which should bring you some comfort.

She sounds like it really does bother her and her hurt that she cannot be how she once was otherwise she wouldnt get snappy about discussing it. I thing she may even be deeply humiliated or ashamed of the fact.
I know if it was me discussing it would make me feel far more exposed and vulnerable and I may get defensive also.

She tries to fake it, again it sounds like she really wants to be back in that place again. If she didn't or simply didnt care why would she try faking it?

It sounds like she isnt lost forever and really needs your help.

I have endometriosis and every 4-5 years it gets so bad I need surgery to help me become human again. But before the surgery sex becomes painful, I'm on painkillers alot and my sex drive does wane if I do not keep myself in check. Also because exercising becomes painful I tend to put on a bit more weight (I'm not tiny to begin with) Put all those together and my confidence drops to the floor and I feel pretty crappy to be honest.
Fortunately I have the love and support of a good man who helps bring me round and keeps my head in a good place even if my body is faltering.

It sound like she really needs your support. Help her push for a diagnosis... be her strength, dont let the doctors fob her off. Take control this way instead of with the floggers ect.

I would also try and let her know as often as possible you know its not her fault and you aren't judging her for whats happening (It's a good bet those fears are eating her up inside). Once she has learnt you aren't getting cross with her or wanting to abandon her she may feel a little more happy to open up... you cant be expected to help her effectively without her input.

I hope you do find a good resolve and she makes a recovery.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/27/2009 3:19:55 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Huntertn

she's been to doctors..doesn't seem to help. and I've been patience for 4 years with her[and them] Now I want aswers. lets face it, I'm 52 now..and in that dept. most men are aready finished.I guess in a few more years it wouldn't matter muvh, but it still matters to me. and frankly I think it should matter to her as well. It sure did for a number of years befor this started.Now its like that part of her soul is cut off....
you sound like you feel your sainthood canonization is a given. You have been patient for the entire 4 years of her illness and (slams fist on desk) damnit...you want answers!! And you want them now!!!

Dude....maybe she does too? The fact that you state the possible end of your glory years is approaching and you feel it should be foremost on her list of priorities tells me you are an incredibly selfish individual.


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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/27/2009 5:19:04 AM   
DesFIP


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Status: offline 		When I hit menopause my sex drive disappeared for two years. It is back but nowhere near what it used to be. And there is nothing I can do about it.

He takes advantage of it when it happens and I am happy to do what I can for him when it doesn't happen. However if he were to blame me for not having any libido I would not feel inspired to do what I could for him. And yes, I couldn't take much pain before hand and I can take even less now. Any pain that is too much, or even minor bad pain ends any enjoyment for me.

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RE: What do you when your subs always sick? - 9/27/2009 5:47:37 AM   
Acer49


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Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Huntertn

The last 4 years now she's been sick off and on for months at at time.She says its her cycle of life. Maybe it is, but I've got cases of toys wasting away,floggers drying out, and lots of stands gathering dust with no end in sight.Not to menting a growing prostrate,lol. She goes to the Doctors, gets meds, but in the end ...nothing..no sex drive,So she trieds to conpensate with cuddling[allways nice], and I try to be understanding, but if I say anything about it, there she blows...or whats worse, she tries...and faking is just to easy to tell as you all know....So..what do you do? and Ladies...not to beat it round the bush.I'm asking for real aswers  not soapbox drama. I love da girl you know...Huntertn


Well not being a doctor, I don't know about cycle of life unless you are referring menopause. Menopause is all about emotions and chemical body changes that do not a nice organized time frame. I am sure she is really feeling on top of the world with all of that going on. On top of that, I have no doubt she feels guilty enough without you bringing it up, even if you did it in the nicest possible way. You are going to be supportive and continue to place her health issues above your own. And let’s be real here, what is more important, your partner or a few thousand in replaceable toys
And should someone suggest an outside play partner, I would strongly advise against it

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