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DemonKia -> RE: Breaking the cycle of negativity (9/30/2009 1:11:25 PM)
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FR, after read thru
Okay, first off, we're in the same town, Aanakaris . . . . . & I saw you peek at my full profile in the not-too-distant past, noted you were local . . . . . & I thought, huh, wonder if he's gonna show up at a Chico munch? So I had several, reasonably organized, thoughts on your OP & the resultant thread:
Munches. Okay, it's true, I'd bet money you do not find the partner of your dreams at your first Chico munch, nor likely your 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc . . . . Note tho', I'd offer a diminishing bet; the longer you're involved in 'community' the greater probability I'd offer that you do indeed find what you seek; might not be local, might not ever be found at your local munch, but that's not the point, see the 'Community' section, below. . . . Chico's the local portal of easiest access to the Northern Cali kink 'community', such as that is . . . . . & then, the world ... . .
(& actually, I know from conversing with many people in & out of the 'lifestyle' that Northern Cali, & duh especially The City [SF -- 3 hrs drive away], is the BDSM Mecca of the planet . . . . That gives me such a happy warm feeling; there's a reason I pay the premium Cali rate, lol . . . . . )
& there is all kinds of stuff going on throughout the region. Sacramento has a ton of stuff going on, like, dozens of different BDSM groups that hold munches, classes, demos, play parties, festivals, fund-raisers, & so on & so forth. & way more so for the Bay, but of course . . . . .
Even places like Marysville / Yuba City, Anderson, Eureka, Redding, & I think a few others, hold munches . . . . . . & there are private play parties all over the north state, but the way to get invites to private play parties is to go to munches . . . . .
It's at munches that the opportunity for party hosts & / or 'community leaders' to meet people & decide to whom they feel comfortable extending invites . . . . Munches are where one demonstrates that one is polite, well-behaved, pleasant social company to be around . . . . .
Oh. & after that sales job, our fearless local munch facilitator posts on these here boards: Missokyst . . . Contact her to find out about Chico munch details, & she also is hooked up with many of those other Northstate groups . .. .
'Community'. So, what's the big deal about hanging out with a bunch of kinksters, huh? Especially after the discerning connoisseur of youthful beauty such as myself discovers that it's full of, horror of horrors, middle-aged & older people with *gasp* real bodies. (Sorta like the population at large, funny, that . . . . )
Well, I'm not there shopping for hotties, well, not any more than anywhere else . . . . . *shrugs* . . . . Really, if I wanna look at cute twinkie types I just go watch the skateboarder boys, or hang out in the local college 'scene', lol . . . . But, no, I hang out with kinksters. Cuz I can talk about bondage or SM or butt sex & not get looked at as an insane, possibly dangerously so, person. That's kinda nice & refreshing. Having to suppress my natural propensity (way too much) to wanna crack jokes about whips, it's nice to be around those who 'get it' . . . . .
& what's our basic 'vanilla' dating advice? Get out & mingle. Get social. Go do things one likes doing, & meet people thru doing those things, cuz then you'll share interests . . . . .
I like kink. There's only a few sub-populations that I've felt 'at home' amongst, & lawd knows it took a while for me to get comfy. (Eh, I'm socially awkward, I don't ever feel too comfy, but, close enough . . . . ) Poets, theater people, artists. Burners (ie, those who attend Burning Man, etc). Kinksters & others of liberated sexuality. Yep. Those are my preferred social groups, & I've tried out quite a few.
For instance, I used to be way more into politics, & I hung out with political stuff. & I met a really lovely boyfriend with whom I was gloriously compatible around politics & lots of other stuff. He turned out to be nowhere near as kinky as either of us would have liked, & politics turned out to be something I was much less interested in than kink, lol . . ... (I prefer my SM strictly consensual, politics goes too far the other way . . . . )
So part of it depends on goals. I'm in what I like to call my 'kink separatist' phase. I like to go do stuff fetishy & BDSM-y, that's what most of my discretionary income goes to . . . . & is the focus of my recreational life . . .. Looking for hotties I might wanna mate with for life is a sideline, just as it's a sideline to the rest of my life . . .. . & if & when I find the partnership(s) that're appropriately mutually beneficial & compatible & all that, then 'we' will merrily continue going to munches, classes, play parties, etc, etc . . . . . .
Those whose goal is to have mostly-vanilla social life & only do the BDSM thing privately, & who do not choose to participate in the out-&-organized kink world may just require more time to achieve their desired results. I've heard people extol the virtues of 'converting the vanilla', partly in connection to needs to live much more closeted lives .. ... .
Deception. Animals can be looked at as deception-detection machines, our evolution consisting of a long 'arms race' of competence, skills, intelligence, etc in service of meeting survival needs, by hook or by crook . . . . & as an intensely social species, much of our detection capacities is built into our in-flesh interactions, that much spoken of thing about communication is ~90% non-verbal -- body language, intonation, pitch, decibels, etc, etc . . . Hell, for us, facial expression is probably half of our in-person communications, of fleshly communication's structures & interplay . . . .
The internet as a communication media truncates that . .. . . & thus 'scamming' flourishes, in the fertile soil of so much of one's bullshit detection incapacitated. Extra caution is called for .. . .
There are great honking stacks of threads hereabouts on the subject of 'scammers' & 'spammers' & 'fakes', oh my! Reading thru a few of those might be useful, educationally . . .
Positivity! Yes, absolutely wholeheartedly agree with the positivity-shifting thing. Get into the head-space of focusing on what you want. Eschew the word 'not' & it's variants . ... . . Focus on what brings you joy & avoid invoking thru the inadvertent magic of words the powers of what annoys, frustrates, & etc . . . .
Profiles online are a great place to start & / or practice at maintaining the positive frame, but that one really needs to pervade all of one's life for maximal benefit.
Oh. & it's tough to maintain positivity, I wanna acknowledge that. The culture at large can be very negatively fixated, & many of those we encounter close & far to us can be stuck in communication patterns pre-occupied with complaining & crises & problem spotting & all that drama generation . . . . . .
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