Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Building love


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Building love Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Building love - 9/28/2009 6:50:35 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elipsis
Based on those definitions, relationships are not built on:

-Love (it takes a long time to really love someone so how could you build on it before it exists)
-Trust (probably not, trust has to be earned)


You can fall in love instantly. I've done it. But really that means fall in lust. It's all about a mutual chemical attraction. It makes for great sex, but has nothing to do with love, because it is inherently selfish. A nice strong, "I want to scratch your back, because you scratch mine so well." I'm not saying that doesn't have value, because it does. It's just not love to me.

Love, to me, is not selfish. It's feeling so strongly about a person, you are willing to put their needs above your own. And I don't believe people do that instantly. I think it takes time to build.


So, I'm a little curious how long it has usually taken for love to develop in your current/past relationships. How do you distinguish between caring, affection, lust, romantic love, and so forth? At what point do you figure that if the feelings haven't developed, they probably won't? Is it hard for you to talk about your feelings, even when you know what they are?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Building love - 9/28/2009 6:54:12 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I've fallen in love right off the bat once, and did it pretty damn quickly another time. For me, it seems there better be something there from the get go, or it's not going to happen.

Love is when it is painful to not be with her, even when she pissed me off.

< Message edited by Level -- 9/28/2009 6:55:08 PM >

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Building love - 9/28/2009 7:51:48 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Never been 'in love'. Have no desire to be 'in love'.

Now,some might say that what I felt for my late husband was 'love'...however,I would disagree.

So, with that said..I have never been 'in love', I have no desire to ever be 'in love'.

It's not a prerequisite for a relationship in my world; it's not needed, its not wanted.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Building love - 9/28/2009 7:59:06 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist
<snip>
Now,some might say that what I felt for my late husband was 'love'...however,I would disagree.
<snip>


Then what would you call it??? 

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to IrishMist)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Building love - 9/28/2009 8:03:59 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elipsis
Based on those definitions, relationships are not built on:

-Love (it takes a long time to really love someone so how could you build on it before it exists)
-Trust (probably not, trust has to be earned)


You can fall in love instantly. I've done it. But really that means fall in lust. It's all about a mutual chemical attraction. It makes for great sex, but has nothing to do with love, because it is inherently selfish. A nice strong, "I want to scratch your back, because you scratch mine so well." I'm not saying that doesn't have value, because it does. It's just not love to me.

Love, to me, is not selfish. It's feeling so strongly about a person, you are willing to put their needs above your own. And I don't believe people do that instantly. I think it takes time to build.


So, I'm a little curious how long it has usually taken for love to develop in your current/past relationships. How do you distinguish between caring, affection, lust, romantic love, and so forth? At what point do you figure that if the feelings haven't developed, they probably won't? Is it hard for you to talk about your feelings, even when you know what they are?

When your desire to be with someone goes from a want to a need

_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Building love - 9/28/2009 8:06:22 PM   
Elipsis


Posts: 301
Joined: 7/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elipsis
Based on those definitions, relationships are not built on:

-Love (it takes a long time to really love someone so how could you build on it before it exists)
-Trust (probably not, trust has to be earned)


You can fall in love instantly. I've done it. But really that means fall in lust. It's all about a mutual chemical attraction. It makes for great sex, but has nothing to do with love, because it is inherently selfish. A nice strong, "I want to scratch your back, because you scratch mine so well." I'm not saying that doesn't have value, because it does. It's just not love to me.

Love, to me, is not selfish. It's feeling so strongly about a person, you are willing to put their needs above your own. And I don't believe people do that instantly. I think it takes time to build.


So, I'm a little curious how long it has usually taken for love to develop in your current/past relationships. How do you distinguish between caring, affection, lust, romantic love, and so forth? At what point do you figure that if the feelings haven't developed, they probably won't? Is it hard for you to talk about your feelings, even when you know what they are?


Oh my... I click this new thread here and I see my own name in the OP. 

I'm going to try to answer now.


quote:

How do you distinguish between caring, affection, lust, romantic love, and so forth?


Step 1: Lots of overthinking, introspection, and getting lost in my own head until I can clearly define these terms as they mean to me.  (This was completed a long time ago, though sometimes revisions are made.)

Step 2: Look at any given situation, apply more overthinking, challenge myself with hypotheticals, figure out how terms apply to the person in question.

quote:

At what point do you figure that if the feelings haven't developed, they probably won't?


You can feel a relationship moving forward.  You can feel yourself becoming closer, feeling more trust, more affection, more admiration.  When you wake up and realize you feel the same now as you did months ago... you know you're in trouble but maybe you can fix it.  When you wake up and realize you feel less of those things than you did months ago... you know you're probably done.  If you don't love them by this point you know you likely never will.  Relationships have momentum that you can sense... they are also tremendously inert.

quote:

Is it hard for you to talk about your feelings, even when you know what they are?


Not even a little.


(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Building love - 9/28/2009 8:21:14 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		It takes me -years-, if I get to that point at all. Love, at least for me, is a wonderful "cherry" on a delicious blend of relationships shaped out of a pretty much universal (to my relationships) combination of affection, acceptance, shared interests, intellectual compatibility, and esoteric connection. Some of the relationships are occasionally spiced with one or more of sensuality, fetishism, authority-transfer, physical activity of numerous sorts and metaphysics, some to a greater and some to a lesser level, and not all in all relationships... but they vary from relationship to relationship, and aren't present in -all- of my relationships.

Love... I can't tell you how long it takes, but I can tell you it has never been 'instant'... but by the time I acknowledge that it is there, it is nearly -redundant-, because everything else in the relationship has already wrapped itself around my life-- the person is a part of the way that I see my world, and no matter whether we're together or not, the world will always be a place defined by that person's presence in it... for everything that xhe is, for the best parts of hir and the most challenging parts, and the way that the essence of hir flavors my world. It is such a subtle shift, different for every relationship that I've been in that has reached that point.

I have trouble with people who expect me to announce something that I'm not experiencing... who, even knowing the above about me, try to coerce or guilt me into telling them that I love them. I won't lie about it, and if their need to hear it is more important than knowing that I am really -experiencing- it, then we're probably not a good fit. OTOH, I have absolutely -no- problem telling someone what I -am- experiencing emotionally, so when I get to that point it naturally becomes part of the conversation.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Building love - 9/28/2009 8:39:39 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		This would be the 19 year anniversary of my ex-'s and my first date and is the 2 year anniversary of our separation.  We met when I was 15, he was 17.  It took about 7 months for us to verbalize loving one another though I believe the feelings were solidified a bit prior.  < smiling > as I remember us stating our love for one another in the back of his best friend's Jeep on the way to a concert, I think. 
The other man I have loved most in a partnered sense started out as someone who I didn't like but he became part of the family.  It was nearly a decade before he shared his feelings for me and proposed we relate in a non-platonic fashion.  After those walls came down, rather soon after partnered love was mutually shared; understandable, we had a great foundation. 
I believe Dame Calla said, in another thread, she believes that if you truly love someone, you do not stop.  I agree. 
Davan

< Message edited by DavanKael -- 9/28/2009 9:37:56 PM >

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Building love - 9/28/2009 9:14:55 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite
So, I'm a little curious how long it has usually taken for love to develop in your current/past relationships. How do you distinguish between caring, affection, lust, romantic love, and so forth? At what point do you figure that if the feelings haven't developed, they probably won't? Is it hard for you to talk about your feelings, even when you know what they are?
*laughs* Another post that made me erase about 40 answers before settling on this.

They are all the same to me except for lust which I'll just ignore for now. Everything else is just me caring about someone else and that care seeking an expression appropriate to the relationship. Because I don't really distinguish between them, it's hard to say, "Yup, "romantic love began at 8:57pm pacific time, Wed March 3rd." It just doesn't work that way in my head. I know I cared deeply about Carol within a few hours of meeting her and that caring found expression in a romantically loving relationship eventually.

When I love carol, I'm stroking her hair and kissing her neck. When I'm lusting for her, I'm pinning her down and biting her. Really, it's pretty easy to tell the difference in me anyway *laughs*. Internally, one emotional is all softness and warmth. The other is snarling, dripping, seething aggression. Love is the protection part. Lust is the posession. I kind of like how they go together but they are vastly different things.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Building love - 9/28/2009 11:02:12 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

So, I'm a little curious how long it has usually taken for love to develop in your current/past relationships. How do you distinguish between caring, affection, lust, romantic love, and so forth? At what point do you figure that if the feelings haven't developed, they probably won't? Is it hard for you to talk about your feelings, even when you know what they are?


i'm not a head over feet instant i'm in love kind of girl. i can develop an attraction and relate to the person on an emotional level. but love is something to be nurtured and that comes when there's a documented pattern of honesty, trust, and communication. i have tried it other ways in the past and i've found this way works best for me. in all sincerity i see no reason to rush at all. if something is meant to bloom and both are committed to being prudent gardener's, it will grow.

i don't put much stock in infatuation, but i do recognize passion when i see it. this is the only caveat for the above and i can count on one hand how many times i have encountered this type. they are the sort of people that have a unique blend of emotion, sensuality, and passion in the right doses that i adore. i can spot them a mile away and i'm typically drawn to them, though my common sense usually compels me to avoid it. as much as i like these things i need stability and compatibility most. i would forsake all the pitter patter in a heartbeat for a relationship with the other factors instead. i have faith that love arrives in its own time. i don't need the euphoria to lure me in.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Building love - 9/29/2009 4:14:08 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I fell in love with him before I even met him. Through email.
Obviously it wasn't as deep then as it is now. It also wasn't chemistry or lust since we hadn't met yet.

Lust came on the first meet.

For me, love came because I could talk to him about anything and he accepted all of me. Because he wanted all of me, not despite my flaws but because of them. He's the first person who has ever found all of me good enough, not just parts. So how could I not have loved him?

A degree of trust also came during that email and chat time. I am capable of asking about the same subject in multiple ways and I always got back an answer that was in agreement with the other answers, there was nothing to put up a red flag about, and believe me I looked for one.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Building love - 9/29/2009 4:49:49 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		. . . . a documented pattern of honesty, trust, and communication. (Porcelaine)

I need that documented pattern. Chemical attraction is very nice,  but without the above it won't deepen into anything for me.

I am, however, someone who thinks a strong chemical attraction is an essential component of a romantic relationship. Now, defining chemical attraction can be tricky. Because for me at least it's not all physical. I tend to be highly attracted to dominant males who exude a strong, silent sense of power. How they actually look is somewhat secondary to that.

I think a great deal of what I call chemical attraction is based on smell. But I'm an aromatherapist, I would think that.





_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Building love - 9/29/2009 8:36:04 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		daintydimples, I think smell and pheremones have a lot to do with it! I wouldn't date someone who I actually thought was ugly, but looks are fairly low on the criteria list for me.

Jeff, I didn't expect a time stamp, just a general idea of if it was a couple of months, a year, etc.

Calla, I try not to be pushy about it, but after 6 months to a year, I generally start to figure that if they don't feel that way about me, I'm not likely to be able to do anything to change their mind. I've broken up with a couple of people over that in the past, even if the rest of our relationship was going very well. Maybe I'm too impatient, but I do need to both be able to hear it, and to trust that they actually mean it/are experiencing it.

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Building love - 9/29/2009 8:49:05 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Not an easy set of questions to answer........much like the relationship thread........too many variables for me.

Love, to me, isn't always about passion or lust. There are different types of love relationships. Rarely have I felt the deep passionate, romantic.........romance novel......type of love. As others have said, I actually feel that most people mistake lust and infatuation, with love. Hense the, out of love, and off to divorce court.

For me, regardless of type of love, there is a deep knowing, a wanting what is best for them, even at your own expense........not minding hurting inside. Not being afraid to show or tell of, that love. It's just there, part of you, natural as breathing.

I have found that within the relationship context I believe you are talking about, love built over time, almost in spite of the initial "omg" factor in one case. I don't think I've ever worried about whether or not something would develop, it either does or not. I don't think about it. Rather just let things develop organically. The verbalizing, also not a problem for me. If I feel it, it's harder to keep it quiet than to verbalize it. (imagine that....)




_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Building love - 9/29/2009 1:50:47 PM   
TwistedHeart74


Posts: 722
Joined: 9/17/2009
Status: offline 		Love lasts longer than a few weeks, a few months or a few years. It's enduring through good times, bad times and indifferent times. It grows as you grow with each other, it's the bond that keeps you together when life is going through it's valleys and mountains. It's the glue that holds you together when everything in the world seems determined to tear you apart. Lust is fleeting and if that's all your relationship is built on then what happens when the time comes when you're no longer able to act on it? Affection can grow into love with time. I believe that caring is a part of love in its whole. All the things you mention are parts of love, put them all together and it IS love. It's a balance that if lacking any parts will crumble.

_____________________________

Sir D's brat

I have a condition...it's called uncunteditis. Ask Porcelaine for details.


Member Lance's Fag Hags

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Building love - 9/29/2009 2:30:32 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite
Jeff, I didn't expect a time stamp, just a general idea of if it was a couple of months, a year, etc.
OK, the timestamp was an obvious exaggeration for humor. But seriously, I still don't think of it that way. Friendship does not turn into love for me. They are one and the same thing already... just different expressions. Putting it a bit differently, my lover is nothing more than a friend who is of the right gender and was available at the right moment and to whom I'm sexually attracted. It's just a friend with some qualifiers on it.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Building love - 9/29/2009 2:54:46 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		MP has told anyone who will listen for years that he fell in love with Me at first sight.  It wasn't instantaneous for Me.  That took a little longer.  Maybe a few weeks or so.  We're still going strong eight years later.

I am not sure My answer as it applies to clip is the same as it's intended in the original.  While I love clip a great deal, it is not romantic love.  It is love, but it is based on service, dedication, service, loyalty, and a number of other things.  That love grew over time.  In My estimation, I would say a few months.  It probably took the span of from the time we met to the time I collared him.  More to the tune of what Calla described.  The fact that love came about was just icing on the cake.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Building love - 9/29/2009 5:02:35 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		This is a strange question for me.  I love.  The long and short of it is that, based on the simple fact that the creature before me is alive, I love.  Now do I love a bald eagle the same as I do my partner?  No, of course not.  Do I love someone who has harmed me ruthlessly the same way I do a person I trust?  No, of course not.  I am working through trying to explain those differences.  They all feel kind of the same and originate in a similar place.

Honestly, I am pretty emotionally invested in most anybody that crosses my path on some level.  If they share enough of themselves with me for me to appreciate a particular struggle or issue that is important to them, I will be empathetic more often than not, regardless of how I particularly feel about the matter.  It affects them in a specific way and so it does me as well to a point. 

I guess the defining characteristic of someone who becomes my intimate is acceptance.  I accept them.  That is a given.  It is that they accept me.  I have learned to become very good at realizing when someone really does accept ALL of me instead of picking and choosing.  Some are very good at this game and it is hard to really see their disapproval or negations for what they really are.  They are wrapped up in flowery expressions or attempts to ignore areas that are less than pleasing.  They are cloaked in sideways compliments and lighthearted putdowns.  I have come to a point where I can call a spade a spade and see all this for what it really is.  It hurts to the core to know I have people that I am now in an obligated intimate relationships that I know never really took me fully as I am.  The ways they dance around it is painful now that the truth is pretty stark in my mind.  Those who see me fully and can embrace all of what I am, I can love them in a way I can no others.  It means that there is nothing between us and that love that can have a lot of strings and conditions placed on it that I have for others has had all of that fall away.

Those strings and conditions form my safety net to catch my heart when others handle it carelessly.  I am in a very vulnerable state the moment I let all that go.  I am flying high without a net and I know that ground below is not kind.  I won't do this with just anybody.  I can't say when or how it finally happens that I am ready to put myself in that position of great risk.  I just know that I don't do it easily anymore and I value the very rare few that can bring me to that place more than they can probably really understand.

I probably didn't really answer the question, but this is some idea of how it is for me.  I don't completely get how someone goes from being one of the cared for masses to an intimate of mine all that well.  I know there is a very distinct difference which I attempted to discuss, but also that a whole lot of things remain the same.  I know.  I shoulda spent the time writing this post on baking cookies or something!  LOL

lovingpet 

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Building love - 9/29/2009 5:08:58 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

 ...How do you distinguish between caring, affection, lust, romantic love, and so forth?...


caring and affection can happen with someone who is a friend of a close friend that this slave has met while we are at the bar sharing our stories over a few drinks.  it's awesome.
 
lust is something that can happen over a pair of shoes.  it's exhilirating.
 
romantic love is a construct that takes place over a period of time...it could be hours, weeks or years.  it's sweet and intoxicating.
 
this slave loves often, even inanimate objects and aspects of nature, and as easily as breathing in and out.



< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 9/29/2009 5:09:32 PM >

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Building love - 9/29/2009 7:10:45 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

I've fallen in love right off the bat once, and did it pretty damn quickly another time. For me, it seems there better be something there from the get go, or it's not going to happen.

Love is when it is painful to not be with her, even when she pissed me off.


Very nice sentiment Level....but I have to respectfully disagree.

Love is (actually) choosing not to slash her brake lines when you live on a very windy road on top of a medium sized mountain, in winter (when you've also recently removed her snow tires and replaced them with the set you just days ago removed from your own vehicle because you could clearly see Lincoln's head and therefore deemed them just slightly on the high side of legally contemptuous), done in such a fashion as to insure there were no witnesses of any kind, wondering why....after one more night of unending and painfully innocuous blather....you hadn't done so months before.

(But I digress).

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Building love Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.109