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Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 1:10:26 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		   Well after years, over 5, of being in the lifestyle i was shocked to realize that i am not really as submissive as i thought. Im not sure when this happened. i know it took sometime to "get it", but i never thought i actually lost it, until today. Here is how it went;

After having a most horrible day, a day that was worse than any i could imagine, i felt like something else was wrong too. Well the kids are fine, so it must be the relationship between Master and i. So i asked Him in a letter; Are W/we ok?  then i went on to add (dumbass me), i would understand it if W/we are not. i think i could handle a blow like splitting up today better than any other time, so if...........  

OK now after reading what i just typed im thinking WTF! What was i thinking?! Major emotional stress played a massive role but still!! Poor Master!! (major kuddos goes out to Him.)

So rightfully so, He got a little upset, and asked me why in the world am i not trusting Him?!  Of course being in that state of mind, i said; "This isn't about You, it's me, i felt blaah blaah and blaah blaah some more......

Now i know what alot are thinking, doesn't she ever shut up?  Aparently not! uggg once again Poor Master what an amazing Man! It took someone else in the lifestyle to make me see where i went wrong. I apparently dont trust Him to tell me if there is something wrong. i make Him live in constant fear of His email box.  me saying is everything ok, W/we are ok, right?!      Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden i felt sick to my stomach and thought my God poor Master!!!

So in saying all this, does anyone know what i can do, to get back into a subbie state of mind. ( i like the sound of that, subbie state of mind.) Obviously i go to Him, and be pretty darn thankful if He allows me too. But any suggestions (besides THINK before you type!~ ;) )  Anyone else had this problem, Master/Dom with sub or sub with Master/Dom? If so what did Y/you do about it? Thanks for any suggestion, ideas or details of what happened to Y/you. Thanks in advance for just reading this damn post.

                                                                                                                Peace, Love and Harmony,
                                                                                                                         moron sub!!!!


< Message edited by tammystarm -- 9/30/2009 1:23:56 PM >

_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 1:20:25 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I don't necessarily see where you acted un-sublike. You asked for his input and had framed the hypotheticals around following/obeying his response. You didn't word anything (from what I can see) in an accusatory manner towards him suggesting he's been causing problems directly or indirectly. You had a really bad day and asked if the relationship was in danger and did so because you weighed your ability to handle that potential bad news based on other recent events. Heck, technically you gave him space to provide his thoughts about the situation, no matter how possibly bad, without the indication of a disrespectful reaction (you'd already braced for the worst).

The conversation with me would have gone like this:

You: "Are W/we ok?  I would understand it if W/we are not."
Me: "Would you understand it if we are okay?"
You: "Um...yes."
Me: "Good. We're okay."

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 9/30/2009 1:22:13 PM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 1:22:13 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		i will clear that up and thank You for pointing that out.  where i went wrong was not trusting Him to tell me before i should even ask, if there is something wrong. 

_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 1:26:21 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

i will clear that up and thank You for pointing that out.  where i went wrong was not trusting Him to tell me before i should even ask, if there is something wrong. 

Is that something he has specifically stressed as a point of import before? As in, has he said: "You should understand and behave as if everything is just fine unless I specifically tell you otherwise."?

In instances like these I'm hesitant to use "trust" to describe the error because it wasn't an act of mistrust, was it? You didn't specifically start thinking he was hiding stuff from you or that he's been not bringing up something dire and relevant...you just made a mistake under the duress of stress and asked for reassurance, albeit in a backwards passive-aggressive way. But still, I don't see any error of intent and still no indication of anything un-sublike.


_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 1:38:37 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		It would be useful to point out that though I'm discussing the technical aspects of what went on and your reactions, the actual matter of fact is that you have direct insight into what you Master expects and how he sees the interactions of your dynamic. So, if he sees what you did as something un-sublike and you are taking it to mind and heart and speaking of it in that sense, then that is what matters.

So, if the situation upset him then you are absolutely right about misbehaving and appear to be dealing with it honorably. I would say continuing to be attentive in that same manner is about the best way to get back to whatever degree of comfort in your submissiveness you felt you'd previously had.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 1:50:55 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

   Well after years, over 5, of being in the lifestyle i was shocked to realize that i am not really as submissive as i thought. Im not sure when this happened. i know it took sometime to "get it", but i never thought i actually lost it, until today. Here is how it went;

After having a most horrible day, a day that was worse than any i could imagine, i felt like something else was wrong too. Well the kids are fine, so it must be the relationship between Master and i. So i asked Him in a letter; Are W/we ok?  then i went on to add (dumbass me), i would understand it if W/we are not. i think i could handle a blow like splitting up today better than any other time, so if...........  

OK now after reading what i just typed im thinking WTF! What was i thinking?! Major emotional stress played a massive role but still!! Poor Master!! (major kuddos goes out to Him.)

So rightfully so, He got a little upset, and asked me why in the world am i not trusting Him?!  Of course being in that state of mind, i said; "This isn't about You, it's me, i felt blaah blaah and blaah blaah some more......

Now i know what alot are thinking, doesn't she ever shut up?  Aparently not! uggg once again Poor Master what an amazing Man! It took someone else in the lifestyle to make me see where i went wrong. I apparently dont trust Him to tell me if there is something wrong. i make Him live in constant fear of His email box.  me saying is everything ok, W/we are ok, right?!      Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden i felt sick to my stomach and thought my God poor Master!!!

So in saying all this, does anyone know what i can do, to get back into a subbie state of mind. ( i like the sound of that, subbie state of mind.) Obviously i go to Him, and be pretty darn thankful if He allows me too. But any suggestions (besides THINK before you type!~ ;) )  Anyone else had this problem, Master/Dom with sub or sub with Master/Dom? If so what did Y/you do about it? Thanks for any suggestion, ideas or details of what happened to Y/you. Thanks in advance for just reading this damn post.

                                                                                                                Peace, Love and Harmony,
                                                                                                                         moron sub!!!!



Unless your horrible day had something to do with your submission, I don't see what would have triggered the thoughts of the stability of your relationship?
Trust or not trusting him to tell you the condition of your relationship points to the Man and not the dominant


_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 2:27:05 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		that is kinda the point. Waiting for shoe to drop, insecurity issues with me. My insecurities, He has done nothing but proof that i should trust Him every step of the way.



_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to Acer49)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 2:28:51 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm
i will clear that up and thank You for pointing that out.  where i went wrong was not trusting Him to tell me before i should even ask, if there is something wrong. 
Gosh, I ask a lot out of Carol, but infinite trust and total poise in all circumstances is not on the list. Seriously, in my mind, questions and concerns pop up when they do and are best answered quickly and directly. Really, Like NZ, I don't see this as a trust issue. Unless there was some specific and repeated pattern of your "not ok" thoughts that led me to believe otherwise, I'd just chalk this up to basic relationship insecurity and redouble my efforts to ensure you felt secure. You know, we all go wonky once in a while. How is this any different than me giving Carol a command to tell me who she belongs to... something I do when I'm wanting some affirmation/reinforcement on our dynamic.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 2:33:00 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		it is something i bring up about once a week, honestly. i never saw it in the light He does until a submissive pointed it out to me. That i obviously dont trust Him, if i cant trust Him to tell me something is wrong or not.

_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:12:15 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline 		Having insecurities does not make you unsubbish.

Being slow to trust does not make you unsubbish.

What it makes is is a sub with some insecurities who is slow to trust. Join the club!

Fulling trusting someone is a slow process for many. As far as I am concerned, that means you are self aware and discriminating.






_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?




(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:24:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Well, now that you recognize the pattern I would suggest you change the way you refer to it. Instead of asking him if everything's okay, why not tell him you're having one of your attacks of insecurity.

But Tammy, you don't live together. If you did, then you could just ask for a hug and get reassurance that way. Having to rely on typed messages and phone calls makes the attacks of insecurity that much worse. When you live together, they simply don't get that bad because you get physical reassurance every time he touches you, you get reassurance every time he smiles at you, you get it with every casual 'baby get me some more water'.

It's just harder when you aren't together daily.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:30:15 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		agrees  IF He will forgive me.... and agreed it would be easier if W/we lived together for that info. but it is something W/we want to do



_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:35:48 PM   
SubOnlyForHim


Posts: 787
Joined: 8/19/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

   Well after years, over 5, of being in the lifestyle i was shocked to realize that i am not really as submissive as i thought. Im not sure when this happened. i know it took sometime to "get it", but i never thought i actually lost it, until today. Here is how it went;

After having a most horrible day, a day that was worse than any i could imagine, i felt like something else was wrong too. Well the kids are fine, so it must be the relationship between Master and i. So i asked Him in a letter; Are W/we ok?  then i went on to add (dumbass me), i would understand it if W/we are not. i think i could handle a blow like splitting up today better than any other time, so if...........  

OK now after reading what i just typed im thinking WTF! What was i thinking?! Major emotional stress played a massive role but still!! Poor Master!! (major kuddos goes out to Him.)

So rightfully so, He got a little upset, and asked me why in the world am i not trusting Him?!  Of course being in that state of mind, i said; "This isn't about You, it's me, i felt blaah blaah and blaah blaah some more......

Now i know what alot are thinking, doesn't she ever shut up?  Aparently not! uggg once again Poor Master what an amazing Man! It took someone else in the lifestyle to make me see where i went wrong. I apparently dont trust Him to tell me if there is something wrong. i make Him live in constant fear of His email box.  me saying is everything ok, W/we are ok, right?!      Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and all of a sudden i felt sick to my stomach and thought my God poor Master!!!

So in saying all this, does anyone know what i can do, to get back into a subbie state of mind. ( i like the sound of that, subbie state of mind.) Obviously i go to Him, and be pretty darn thankful if He allows me too. But any suggestions (besides THINK before you type!~ ;) )  Anyone else had this problem, Master/Dom with sub or sub with Master/Dom? If so what did Y/you do about it? Thanks for any suggestion, ideas or details of what happened to Y/you. Thanks in advance for just reading this damn post.

                                                                                                                Peace, Love and Harmony,
                                                                                                                         moron sub!!!!



Maybe you're right, Maybe we are sisters.

_____________________________

just call me "sophie" ~~~ Thanks, sirsholly, for the new nick! i now feel so special. Whoohoooo!

*committed*

~The more answers i get, the more questions i have.~







(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:36:31 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		TOLD YA!  smiles hey girl how are ya?!

_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to SubOnlyForHim)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:40:10 PM   
SubOnlyForHim


Posts: 787
Joined: 8/19/2009
Status: offline 		Banished to silence once again for my stupidity/insecurities. This time at least Sir TOLD me "QUIET!" Not another word & why. Making progress...

Should've known I would end up paying for that AWESOME weekend W/we had. *Sigh* In the end, it's all worth it.

_____________________________

just call me "sophie" ~~~ Thanks, sirsholly, for the new nick! i now feel so special. Whoohoooo!

*committed*

~The more answers i get, the more questions i have.~







(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:45:45 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		still loving my quiet, (yeah right) Goddamnit Art, no Master nothing just art.... i dont think ive said GD more than 5 times in my life either.. OOOOPSSS   so lucky i think i shocked Him into not beating me..........

yeah it is still a bit hard to hear "Quiet!"   ssshhhh i am fucking quiet!    not a ghood response.....


_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to SubOnlyForHim)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:51:05 PM   
SubOnlyForHim


Posts: 787
Joined: 8/19/2009
Status: offline 		Someday I will learn to shut up BEFORE He tells me to. Ha Ha Ha SOMEDAY! Sir will not beat me, only threatens that Sir should....knows that making me be quiet is much more painful. I LIKE to talk! Can't imagine that can you?


_____________________________

just call me "sophie" ~~~ Thanks, sirsholly, for the new nick! i now feel so special. Whoohoooo!

*committed*

~The more answers i get, the more questions i have.~







(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:52:53 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		what me. i am always a great girl and very quiet.



BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
yeah right......... i do try,,,,,,and try and try again


_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to SubOnlyForHim)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:56:02 PM   
SubOnlyForHim


Posts: 787
Joined: 8/19/2009
Status: offline 		I was born at night, dear...but not last night. In no way do I believe you are quiet. Great girl....Sure I do believe that. I am also.

Trial and error.....more error than anything, but I'm gonna make it. I have to.

_____________________________

just call me "sophie" ~~~ Thanks, sirsholly, for the new nick! i now feel so special. Whoohoooo!

*committed*

~The more answers i get, the more questions i have.~







(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Learning to be sub....all over again... - 9/30/2009 3:58:31 PM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		me too! i think ican i think i can..............ummmm  HELP! i have damn near begged him for gags......

_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to SubOnlyForHim)
Profile   Post #: 20
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