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learning to trust again - 9/30/2009 4:46:41 PM   
mnsultryslut


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		To keep from a long drawn out story, I was in a very close relationship with a Dom that I met on here. We shared seven wonderful months as Dom and sub, literally never had a disagreement or second thought to anything in our play, but did have real life issues that came across. I knew that he needed his time away to deal with his home and family, and we talked of doing that while I waited, at the time I felt he was very worthy and worth it. He insisted he needed me then more than ever and refused to talk of it. Then one day he was just gone. No nothing, no response. The one thing we promised and vowed we would never do to the other. He has been in touch with a couple others we both knew and I do not want to bring them into the middle of this so do not ask for information, but was semi relieved that he was ok and not injured or dead.

Ive long been over the loss of him and the relationship. but I do struggle and have a very hard time letting my guard down to even think of allowing another into that place. I miss the closeness and the connection, but just do not know how to begin to trust again.

Ideas anyone?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: learning to trust again - 9/30/2009 7:46:05 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Don't. You aren't over it yet, so don't push it.

But next time, go as slow as you need to. And tell the next man what this one did.

Although you said something interesting, that you never had any disagreement in play. Did your relationship solely consist of that? Didn't you just go to a movie, do errands together? Or did your time together consist solely of play?

Because if so, that's your answer. Make it a real relationship next time, not a partial one.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to mnsultryslut)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: learning to trust again - 10/1/2009 5:25:56 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Ideas anyone?


Setting up a profile will help. Two way traffic is at the core of all successful human interaction.

(in reply to mnsultryslut)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: learning to trust again - 10/1/2009 7:45:12 AM   
TheGaggingWh0re


Posts: 222
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline 		I like what DesFip said. Time. Time. Time!

That sucks, though. It's hard to come to terms with what I know is swimming through your head (I went through something like that, too). He is quite weak to have left you in such a questionable position, but you can prove your strength and betterness by taking a deep breath and finding the footing to finally move on. At this point he has no power over you and you are not his subject.

I've always said that the best form of revenge is success. The second, utter destruction of those who oppose you :P

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: learning to trust again - 10/1/2009 8:14:22 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnsultryslut

To keep from a long drawn out story, I was in a very close relationship with a Dom that I met on here. We shared seven wonderful months as Dom and sub, literally never had a disagreement or second thought to anything in our play, but did have real life issues that came across. I knew that he needed his time away to deal with his home and family, and we talked of doing that while I waited, at the time I felt he was very worthy and worth it. He insisted he needed me then more than ever and refused to talk of it. Then one day he was just gone. No nothing, no response. The one thing we promised and vowed we would never do to the other. He has been in touch with a couple others we both knew and I do not want to bring them into the middle of this so do not ask for information, but was semi relieved that he was ok and not injured or dead.

Ive long been over the loss of him and the relationship. but I do struggle and have a very hard time letting my guard down to even think of allowing another into that place. I miss the closeness and the connection, but just do not know how to begin to trust again.

Ideas anyone?




I can understand losing your trust and I can sympathize with you (unless you were knowingly dating a married man because then I would have no sympathy for you).
You need to take things slowly and you do need to speak of your lack of trust to the next man that comes into your life but if you really loved and trusted this guy its going to be ingrained in you that your next partner could at any moment do the same thing.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to mnsultryslut)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: learning to trust again - 10/1/2009 9:16:58 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Maria's point about him being married is well thought of. Next time if he tells you his wife is fine with this, you need to talk to her, all of you sitting down together at dinner to talk it out. Even so, the parameters they have in their relationship comes before what you have in yours with him. So if she says that his relationship with you is threatening their marriage, then you go by the wayside no matter what he promised you.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 6
RE: learning to trust again - 10/1/2009 9:51:12 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnsultryslut
Ideas anyone?
Yeah, here's a motivational thought for you. You have exactly two choices here...

a) Drag around the past with you like a ball & chain and so spend the rest of your life being lonely, suspicious, and bitter
b) Deal.

Me personally, I like choice (b).


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to mnsultryslut)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: learning to trust again - 10/1/2009 11:27:41 AM   
tammystarm


Posts: 3045
Joined: 7/26/2006
Status: offline 		first of all hugs! secondly get your ass moving if you dont  youll end up hating what you have become.

_____________________________

~~Queen of duct-tape~~
~~Emotionally delusional~~

~~somebody pour me my nebuitol and hand me my drink~~



(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: learning to trust again - 10/1/2009 7:51:06 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		I agree, it takes both time to think, and time to heal your heart..time...

(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: learning to trust again - 10/2/2009 9:45:55 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TheGaggingWh0re

I've always said that the best form of revenge is success. The second, utter destruction of those who oppose you :P



I like the way that you think.  :> 
  Davan

OP, it is a crummy thing that this person did.  People do crummy trash quite a lot.  There are also people out there that will do right by you.  Re-center, walk on. 
Best wishes, 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to TheGaggingWh0re)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: learning to trust again - 10/3/2009 5:30:58 AM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnsultryslut

To keep from a long drawn out story, I was in a very close relationship with a Dom that I met on here. We shared seven wonderful months as Dom and sub, literally never had a disagreement or second thought to anything in our play, but did have real life issues that came across. I knew that he needed his time away to deal with his home and family, and we talked of doing that while I waited, at the time I felt he was very worthy and worth it. He insisted he needed me then more than ever and refused to talk of it. Then one day he was just gone. No nothing, no response. The one thing we promised and vowed we would never do to the other. He has been in touch with a couple others we both knew and I do not want to bring them into the middle of this so do not ask for information, but was semi relieved that he was ok and not injured or dead.

Ive long been over the loss of him and the relationship. but I do struggle and have a very hard time letting my guard down to even think of allowing another into that place. I miss the closeness and the connection, but just do not know how to begin to trust again.

Ideas anyone?


If a married individual cheats and lies, to be with their lover. What makes one think that they will not do the same to the lover? Only a fool would trust an individual who willingly involved themselves with one who is married


_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to mnsultryslut)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: learning to trust again - 10/3/2009 6:42:40 AM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		It's hard when you've been burned, especially when you've been burned multiple times.  Any time you enter into a relationship, you have to accept that there are two possible outcomes:  1) you will be together forever or 2) you will not be together forever.  And the more likely outcome is #2. 

But, since, as humans, we all hope for #1 and we keep trying.  But it's hard to let the past go, because we remember how horrible we felt and we don't want to feel that ever again.  I had two in a row several years back make me every promise in the world where I dropped my guard and looked forward to the future and then got the rug yanked out from under me.  I spent the last five years convinced that I'd spend the rest of my life alone and was content with that.  I didn't/couldn't get close to anybody and had made plans for that kind of future, and was pretty happy about that.  And now recently, someone has yanked THAT rug out from under me and I'm making different plans :)

As good as things are right now, I still can't stop my stomach from clenching and my brain from running away with negative thoughts if a day goes by and I don't hear from him. I know that't MY problem and I'm dealing with it. I mentally beat myself with a nerf bat and stay "stop it stop it stop it!"  And it's getting easier every day.  Time is the only thing that can help heal the wounds, and the best advice I can give is to not push it.  Don't TRY to make it happen, just LET it happen when someone comes along who understands you and who has been through enough crap in his life to understand what it's like and who will say and do the things that make you realize that he IS someone special and different.  Wait until you know it's someone worth taking that risk again with.

Also, don't sit around and dwell on how sad you are because you can't trust anybody, oh poor you.  Get out and make a life for yourself as a single person for awhile.  That way, when someone does come along who is right for you, you'll be ready, and happy, and in a good place in your mind....which will make you more attractive to them. 

One more thing.....married guys, guys in relationships, guys with lots of drama in their lives, etc. are pretty poor risks to begin with, no matter how pretty they talk to you.  Even if they're separated, many times they're "separated" to go out and explore the world, and after they find out, they start missing the comfort and security they had at home and most of the time, they start wanting it back.  Even if they leave the relationship, they still go through a lot of depression and moping and whack-job behavior before they get over it and move on.  And they usually move on without you, in order to make a fresh start.  Just don't do it.

< Message edited by windchymes -- 10/3/2009 6:49:38 AM >

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: learning to trust again - 10/3/2009 8:37:07 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnsultryslut

Ive long been over the loss of him and the relationship. but I do struggle and have a very hard time letting my guard down to even think of allowing another into that place. I miss the closeness and the connection, but just do not know how to begin to trust again.

Ideas anyone?


i have never condoned giving a ghost power over me or the future either. you're affording this individual an element of control he no longer warrants or deserves. we are responsible for bringing something of merit to the relationship table. which means you must address this head on and stop allowing fear and what if's to hasten your steps.

there's another universal idea that i believe to be true. we can only draw to us that which we are. if you choose to remain in this state, partially frozen and stricken with pseudo inertia, you will inevitably meet persons in a similar place. it is my suggestion that you devote less energy to searching for someone and put those efforts towards healing yourself. in order to move beyond what was, you must extract what is poisonous and fill that space with something good.

redirect your mind and consider where you stand and what you can do to improve yourself on all levels. consider the skills you lack, activities you've never pursued, and all the other things you've considered doing but never got around to. this is an important time and resting on your laurels is ill advised. if you're proactive and dedicated to forging ahead, you may find yourself better off in the end than you were when you originally became involved. i wish you all the best.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to mnsultryslut)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: learning to trust again - 10/4/2009 4:44:04 AM   
mnsultryslut


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		I thank all of you for wonderful word and thougths. I do agree very much so that it does just take time, and that i do also need to get off my ass and enjoy again, with caution and openess.

Yes we both were married, and not to eachother. I do know also that many do not understand this side of the lifestyle. Of how a person can be married to one person, yet thier D/s needs are not fulfilled, either by lack of understanding by their spouse, or because it simply does not "work" to share with them in a household setting. Its a balancng act of two lives to make one feel complete. Right or wrong, it is what it is.

(in reply to mnsultryslut)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: learning to trust again - 10/4/2009 12:49:13 PM   
dmarc


Posts: 38
Joined: 11/9/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tammystarm

first of all hugs! secondly get your ass moving if you dont  youll end up hating what you have become.


The message is clear, recover then move on, yes its hard, so heal yourself and give yourself the time you need to believe in others.

So until you do..here is a hug for you.




(in reply to tammystarm)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: learning to trust again - 10/4/2009 9:09:40 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnsultryslut

I thank all of you for wonderful word and thougths. I do agree very much so that it does just take time, and that i do also need to get off my ass and enjoy again, with caution and openess.

Yes we both were married, and not to eachother. I do know also that many do not understand this side of the lifestyle. Of how a person can be married to one person, yet thier D/s needs are not fulfilled, either by lack of understanding by their spouse, or because it simply does not "work" to share with them in a household setting. Its a balancng act of two lives to make one feel complete. Right or wrong, it is what it is.

I don't often visit the ask a submissive forum, but I had a word or two to say about this.

One word I can think of off of the top of My head would be......Mmmmm....  Bullshit.

It would be My opinion that many of the members of CM understand those of us who are married to one person and have their kinky wants filled with another.  Why do I think this?  Well, because I happen to be one of them.  I'm a married poly Domme who happens to have a married submissive.  An overwhelming number of members here have been very supportive of Myself, My husband, and My boy.  There are a lot of people here who can say My way wouldn't work for them, but they have the open mind to see that it is working for us.

There is a catch though.  We're open and honest about how this whole thing works.  Not just about the BDSM portion of it, but also with the spouses that we have in our primary relationships.  From what you are saying here, I'm led to think that isn't especially your case.  In that instance, yes, I can see why you'd have trouble when thinking about trusting the next person.  You might want to think about chosing a little more wisely the next time around.  Others have said it and I'm going to repeat it.  If he's not going to be up front with her (his wife) you have little chance of him being up front with you when he's making promises that he can't or won't live up to.

I do wish you the best.  I hope you get past your hurt and don't have to relive it again by making smart choices.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to mnsultryslut)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: learning to trust again - 10/5/2009 8:17:27 PM   
bluefireeyez


Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline 		While i am not one, i know that many people are poly and as LadyPact said they live happily.

The key truly is to be honest with everyone involved including your husband and his wife. If you can't do that, the relationship is going to be one that doesn't last very long.

How do you build trust? Look for signs of whether or not he is dependable...does he call when he say he will? Does he do the things he promises? If he doesn't, then chances are you're going to want to find someone else.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: learning to trust again - 10/5/2009 8:29:25 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		a long time ago a friend gave me a poem. i have never forgotten the words. i believe there's wisdom in them and they help you come to grips with losing something you once cherished. what is profoundly worse is allowing that loss to rob you of everything you could have later on. i don't think we understand what it means when we're doing it, but only when we're on the receiving end does the gravity of doing so make sense. here's the poem:

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to bluefireeyez)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: learning to trust again - 10/6/2009 7:25:51 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnsultryslut

Yes we both were married, and not to each other. I do know also that many do not understand this side of the lifestyle.
So, you're suggesting that lying and cheating is a "side" of the lifestyle? It's not, it's just your justification.

I find it ironic that a woman who is cheating on her husband/family is out here complaining about how hard it is to trust again.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to mnsultryslut)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: learning to trust again - 10/6/2009 7:41:40 AM   
justagirlinzh


Posts: 55
Joined: 9/23/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnsultryslut

I thank all of you for wonderful word and thougths. I do agree very much so that it does just take time, and that i do also need to get off my ass and enjoy again, with caution and openess.

Yes we both were married, and not to eachother. I do know also that many do not understand this side of the lifestyle. Of how a person can be married to one person, yet thier D/s needs are not fulfilled, either by lack of understanding by their spouse, or because it simply does not "work" to share with them in a household setting. Its a balancng act of two lives to make one feel complete. Right or wrong, it is what it is.

Wow...irony.

(in reply to mnsultryslut)
Profile   Post #: 20
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