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RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 8:10:08 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I've used the term, mostly to mean digging a little at myself to figure out what's going on, and sharing it with him. I don't tend to have emotional outbursts or get disrespectful at all, and I certainly don't get manipulative. I really appreciate that my Master wants to know how I feel, and what is going on in my head, and what I want (even if he chooses not to give it to me).

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 9:19:09 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom
We do it, and I'm glad for it. I've defined it to others, very very simply, as not only  mutual rigorous honesty  but also, when needed , mutually baring and explaining feelings , pro or con, and directly and possibly at times bluntly but  not brutally. I'd like to hear more   about it from folks like us, please, and maybe even be pointed in the direction of some reading material......
I'm leary of this whole "emotional transparency" thing. To me, at least, it simply smacks of yet another way that somehow kinkster relationships are better than vanilla. Cause... you know... there's never been a vanilla couple with open and honest communication. I dislike the need to come up with new words and concepts to describe the same old things that have been going on forever.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to abuddingdom)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 9:47:50 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Good point leadership. The difference is that I've never known my vanilla friends are family to formally state that their relationships are based on x, y and z. They may well between themselves but I doubt it. The difference here is that emotional transparency can well come into conflict with other bdsm aims; mainly obedience. If you want her to do what you say with grace and pleasure no matter how she feels inside, then she isn't being emotionally transparent. So we label this to explain we aren't compatible with the obedience first crowd.

I would like to add though, that you can't be emotionally transparent to those who deliberately push your buttons. Because after the first time, you will distrust them and not make yourself vulnerable again. Manipulation and transparency cannot coexist.

What I'm seeing is that those of the obedience first group don't understand that you cannot have both. Because yes, if my reaction is that overwhelming I do expect him to change his decision. To not force me through it, but break it down into steps I can manage. To the obedience crowd I am tftb, to the emotional transparency group this is the only sane way to get where he wants and keep the transparency. And for us, the transparency is more important than the obedience.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 10:02:05 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...I would like to add though, that you can't be emotionally transparent to those who deliberately push your buttons. Because after the first time, you will distrust them and not make yourself vulnerable again. Manipulation and transparency cannot coexist...


maybe it can't coexist for you, but it certainly can and does co-exist for others.
 
Master requires open honest communication from His slave, which includes detailing her emotions, thoughts & feelings to Him.  isn't that the "emotional transparency" that you speak of?
 
He is also a sadist and deliberately pushes this slave's buttons.  it brings Him pleasure.  she used to cry, at first...now not so much...but He always giggles a bit, tears or not.
 
it doesn't make this slave not trust Him, refuse to be vulnerable to Him or withold information about her thoughts, feelings and emotions.
 
so yes, manipulation (on His part) and transparency (on this slave's part) coexist rather nicely...for us.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 10:02:12 AM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

The difference here is that emotional transparency can well come into conflict with other bdsm aims; mainly obedience. If you want her to do what you say with grace and pleasure no matter how she feels inside, then she isn't being emotionally transparent. So we label this to explain we aren't compatible with the obedience first crowd.


What I'm seeing is that those of the obedience first group don't understand that you cannot have both. Because yes, if my reaction is that overwhelming I do expect him to change his decision. To not force me through it, but break it down into steps I can manage. To the obedience crowd I am tftb, to the emotional transparency group this is the only sane way to get where he wants and keep the transparency. And for us, the transparency is more important than the obedience.


this emotional transparency thing is something i've yet to be able to wrap my noggin around completely, but i wish to try as it seems interesting.

i suppose i am of the "obedience first" group, and you are right i do not understand why one cannot have both.

first i'll preface this by saying that emotional transparency, at least of the "total and mutual" variety, is not a part of my M/s relationship. my Master does not wish to know my every thought and feeling in relation to every single thing he demands of me, nor is he going to explain his own motivations and desires and the whys and wherefores behind everything he demands of me. for us such a situation would be very unproductive, not to mention mind-numbing, but perhaps i have an exaggerated vision in my mind of just what emotional transparency means in D/s.

but back to obedience...yet i am expected to always be obedient, and to be obedient without question or hesitation. this means i do first, always, and then think later or perhaps not at all. this does not mean that i am expected to obey or serve always with smiles and pleasure. carry myself appropriately (meaning respectfully and with grace, yes), but there is no need to ever fake anything. i do not have to pretend to be happy when i am not, but my emotional state should not effect my service. if it did, then the bottom line would be that i were really the one in control.

which brings me to your post above Des, where you say that "if my reaction is that overwhelming I do expect him to change his decision." why? where is the growth (in service and submission) there? and if your emotions control his actions, who is really steering the ship?

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 10:26:52 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		OK Des, but as I think back to my vanilla marraige, which was not so long ago that I can't remember it *laughs*, I have to remember that there was ALWAYS that trade off, and not just for her. Expressed in purely vanilla terms, "do you want to rock the boat or give in and give your partner what he/she wants?" Personally, I'm going with "relationships are relationships" and there aint anything new under the sun when it comes to D/s or M/s... just different spins on the same old tunes. I believe that my current M/s dynamic stresses certain relationship angles moreso than my old vanilla dynamic did. But the it's still the same old stuff, just some of it's brought into sharper focus than before.

Moreso, I personally am unwilling to dumb my marriage down to sound-bite level. I need and value both transparency AND obedience. What I value more at any given moment is going to be dependent on the needs of the moment. I avoid mental constructs where two necessary things are pitted against one another. It's a setup for failure. So I don't see any situation where obedience and emotional transparency fight with each other because I would never allow a definition of them that brought them into conflict.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 10:45:56 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I will never BE emotionally transparent because quite frankly, there isn't one soul on this planet that wants to know every emotion I experience on any given day.  And yet, if there is ever a human being that should ever belong to me again, I expect a great deal of transparency from them. Hypocritical? Maybe......but then again, this is not a relationship based upon fairness and equal treatment. If I wanted that, I could have it.

Now, while wanting this fictitious her to be rather transparent to me.......that does not mean I need to know every single hormonal up and down she has while PMSing, or that the horror movie I allowed her to watch while I was not in the room scared the bejesus out of her........quite frankly, there are some things she can keep a lid on because in the big picture, they won't matter. Simply because they are temporary and inconsequential to our relationship.

Also, regarding the post about the idea that keeping things bottled up is bad and that we all should just let it all hang out. OH HELL NO!!! I am sorry, but there are too many fruitcake, fucked up people walking this planet.(I saw a prime example yesterday, a local mental health professional throwing a primo, cussing, screaming, punching his car hissy fit temper tantrum because I would not give him something free when he was the one that screwed up)  I do NOT want to hear about all their mental drama. Manners, civility, knowing when to keep your pie hole shut........it is a very very good thing.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to abuddingdom)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 11:14:10 AM   
Surrenderwithin


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

Meh. At first glance, it appears attractive, but in the wrong hands is an excuse to act out in any emotively outrageous way so long as it's "true" to the individual's feelings. It's a kind of contradiction to being able to calmly and informatively address issues with complete honesty while still being able to exercise composure.






In my power exchange I am expected to clearly and openly communicate facts and even feelings. However, I am expected to do it in a polite and calm way. My Master does not wish to SEE the expression of the emotion, during the discussion. He wishes to hear about how I feel and why I feel that way. He is also concerned with the thought behind the emotion. Being emotionally transparent, to us, does not mean being an emotional wreck or wearing emotions on my sleeve. In many cases, it to means the exact opposite. I am to remain in control of how I express emotion and appear calm and rational regardless of what rages inside of me. Many see this as being a contraversial expectation and I can understand this point of view. Learning this skill has been very challenging for me, but it is my Masters expectation thus I have risen to the challenge. The result is that I have learned to become a more rational thinker, a better communicator and more self-aware. I see my Master as a wise, yet tough, man.
Maggi
ps Yes, I have often battled with feeling as if I am not entitled to normal human emotion. However, that is just a feeling, not a fact. I have to rely on what I KNOW rather than what I feel and act accordingly.

(in reply to NihilusZero)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 1:05:16 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Well, I tell him how I feel if it's significant and I'll tell him how I feel if he asks. I show my feelings because there's never been any reason not to with him.  Sometimes he gets service with a grimace, sometimes I obey with an * only doing it because I HAVE to* air. That's fine. It doesn't bother him one way or the other if that's what he's decided is going to happen, as long as it gets done. Showing off about it isn't fine. Gritted teeth is fine but swearing and throwing a wobbly isn't fine.

Funny....it's just something that seems pretty run of the mill for people that are close. It's no different to the way I relate to the kids and them to me. I don't reserve it just for M.

Unless I've got hold of the wrong end of the stick.

agirl



(in reply to abuddingdom)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 2:14:04 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I will never BE emotionally transparent because quite frankly, there isn't one soul on this planet that wants to know every emotion I experience on any given day.  And yet, if there is ever a human being that should ever belong to me again, I expect a great deal of transparency from them. Hypocritical? Maybe......but then again, this is not a relationship based upon fairness and equal treatment. If I wanted that, I could have it.

Now, while wanting this fictitious her to be rather transparent to me.......that does not mean I need to know every single hormonal up and down she has while PMSing, or that the horror movie I allowed her to watch while I was not in the room scared the bejesus out of her........quite frankly, there are some things she can keep a lid on because in the big picture, they won't matter. Simply because they are temporary and inconsequential to our relationship.

Also, regarding the post about the idea that keeping things bottled up is bad and that we all should just let it all hang out. OH HELL NO!!! I am sorry, but there are too many fruitcake, fucked up people walking this planet.(I saw a prime example yesterday, a local mental health professional throwing a primo, cussing, screaming, punching his car hissy fit temper tantrum because I would not give him something free when he was the one that screwed up)  I do NOT want to hear about all their mental drama. Manners, civility, knowing when to keep your pie hole shut........it is a very very good thing.

Good points LaTigresse, and something I agree with also, especially the bold part above.

Does the bold part contradict what I said in my earlier post?  No...my earlier post was about how there are differences to be found between honest and emotional transparency, between emotional transparency and emotional indulgence and emotional manipulation but how all can be twisted to be something ugly. 

I am not completely emotionally transparent either.  There are some emotions that I experience that have nothing to do with my relationships but with other things in my world.  I don't feel that I have to subject my partner to the full run of these and frankly, unless it is something that is important to her or has been niggling her for a while, I don't need to know every emotion she has experienced at work that day or when she spent time with her parents/brothers/sisters/etc..  As it relates to myself and a partner...if the emotion I am experiencing is related to what is between us and it is good, I will always let her see that.  If I am miffed over a minor thing with her or she has inadvertently made me a bit sad, then whether or not I inform her of that is dependant on several factors...how important it is to the dynamic and/or to the relationship, a decision whether or not it is a minor thing that could become a big thing or whether or not it was just a temporary non-thought-out aberration, the likelihood of it occurring again if she is not given the information needed to correct it and then I wind up angrier or sadder because it has happened again and on and on up to the point where I finally blow.  Hopefully, the discussion of this emotion they have provoked early on will prevent a blow-out later in which I accuse the submissive of not taking my feelings into account when...let's be honest...I didn't give her the information or the ability to TAKE my feelings into account. 

Would my submissive partner have the same choice about transparency?  No...especially the further along we got.  Just as I know there would be more of my emotional make-up revealed to her...can't help that, I am fairly open with my emotions...I expect there to be as much transparency from her as I ask for and in turn, I will show her that those emotions can be trusted with me.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 10/1/2009 2:20:25 PM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 6:13:16 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		Some general thoughts:

It was I who suggested to Sir/abuddingdom that we be emotionally transparant with each other.  I am a very honest person but, at the same time, guarded.  I want to move beyond that because it interferes with intimacy and I know its a form of holding back.  I'm self-aware enough to know that I have to give my dominant clues on how to access my inner-workings because I'm really good at keeping things to myself.  I am not, and wouldn't be, emotionally transparant with anyone else.  For better or worse, its a privelidge Sir has earned. (I know, that phrasing doesnt sound very subby.)

I had a specific idea in mind when I suggested emotional transparancy as a crucial element in our relationship.  It doesn't mean expressing every emotion.  Nor does it mean acting on every emotion.  It's much less exciting.  It just mean that we honestly and reflexively share what we are feeling in an appropriate way.  (see what Creative Dominant said about the difference between emotional transparancy, emotional indulgence and emotional manipulation)  If we were a vanilla couple, I'd want the same thing.  It has relatively little to do with bdsm, in my mind.

In response to DesFIP: I'm obedience driven and I don't feel it contradicts emotional transparancy.  I think they enhance each other.  Sir may give an order, and I might tell him I'm not happy about it but that doesn't mean he changes his mind.  Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't.  I don't expect him to cater to my emotions.  There's a difference between being obedient and being pleasing.  I'm always obedient, but I'm not always pleasing.  Sometimes, I'm down right grumpy.  But, whatever the case, I keep Sir clued in to what I'm feeling.  This allows him to make good decisions because his decisions are based, in part, on how I'm really feeling.   I don't always like his decisions, and give him honest feedback about that, but that's not really the point.

There's not a lot of negativity in our relationship.  Sure, things aren't always milk and honey, but overall, they're pretty good and we're happy with each other.  So, even when we have to share negative stuff its part of a larger context of  contentment. 

Its interesting that, as I'm reading the responses, most people favoring emotional transparancy do so as a part of power exchange in that the Dominant expects it from the submissive but not vice versa.  Sir and I do it differently in that we're equally transparant to each other. 

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to abuddingdom)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 7:02:24 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		To me, "emotional transparency" seems like yet another trendy bdsm term that makes absolutely no literal sense. 


If I feel tired and frustrated after a day's work, yet I smile at my dom when he walks through the door, am I showing him false emotions?  Am I being dishonest?  I am displaying authentic pleasure by smiling at him because I'm happy to see him, yet I'm still sitting on feelings of frustration from a shitty day at work.  It's possible to contain more than one emotion at one time, so which one do we display first?  Personally, I can't wrap my head around it.  I don't think it's even humanly possible to display our every feeling through "emotional transparency", nor do I think it's possible for someone to read our every emotion at every turn.  I think what we're really talking about is just honest communication.  This is why people talk to one another, precisely because we can't be transmitters, at least not all the time. 

(in reply to abuddingdom)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 7:05:51 PM   
looking4princess


Posts: 165
Joined: 4/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

Emotional transparency can be used as a weapon to manipulate people but it does not have to be. There is a difference between being emotionally transparent and being emotionally indulgent. There is also a difference between being emotionally indulgent and emotionally manipulative. Can they all be mixed together into one combustible brew? Sure they can but they don't have to be. I am transparent about my emotions to those that I care about AND who I know will not use my own emotions as a weapon against me.


Some partners just don't wish to deal with the drama. Don't you have to respect that? Do you have to throw it all up all the time? Maybe you risk driving away your partner. And maybe its a little bit of a sign of immaturity to feel the need to express all your feelings all the time. Seems kind of exhausting to me....for both partners.

Sometimes, maybe more often then we care to admit, discretion is the better mode, silence the more golden option. Maybe.

_____________________________

vincent....

Where would we be without the agitators of the world attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance? I ask you.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 7:12:03 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: looking4princess

quote:

Emotional transparency can be used as a weapon to manipulate people but it does not have to be. There is a difference between being emotionally transparent and being emotionally indulgent. There is also a difference between being emotionally indulgent and emotionally manipulative. Can they all be mixed together into one combustible brew? Sure they can but they don't have to be. I am transparent about my emotions to those that I care about AND who I know will not use my own emotions as a weapon against me.


Some partners just don't wish to deal with the drama. Don't you have to respect that? Do you have to throw it all up all the time? Maybe you risk driving away your partner. And maybe its a little bit of a sign of immaturity to feel the need to express all your feelings all the time. Seems kind of exhausting to me....for both partners.

Sometimes, maybe more often then we care to admit, discretion is the better mode, silence the more golden option. Maybe.


Gotta agree with this too.  If I'm told to do something I don't want to do, is it really necessarily to show him that I feel pissy about it?  Is it dishonest if I just say yes sir, smile at him, and then do it? 

(in reply to looking4princess)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 7:19:30 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		This is the first time I have heard the term; I am glad it works for those who practice it.

Kim and I are similar in that when we are upset or stressed, we prefer to withdraw into ourselves for a little while, and process it through on our own time.

She can tell when I am dealing with something difficult, when I am silent and a bit detached. But she gives me space, and when I have it resolved, I go to her and talk about it. Likewise, she does the same when she is troubled.

So there is a period in which we prefer not to communicate or bare anything- we prefer to sort through it, to work it out on our own, and approach the other when we are ready.

Works for us.

(in reply to abuddingdom)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 7:59:35 PM   
sravaka


Posts: 314
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline 		FR

Am i mistaken in thinking that the point of emo. transp. is "emo. transp when required"?

It falls to the domly party to define and require and delimit it...   but, ok...

1)  will it work if certain things cannot be expressed because they rock the boat or or are unseemly, or whatever?  If there is no way to expose them, will they not ultimately undermine the dynamic, whatever it is?  will there not ultimately be a falsehood?
2)  as others have said, there is a huge difference between feeling and then expressing (recounting) an emotion vs. acting out on it.  To me it is enormously settling (even liberating) to be able to say "I felt xyz, truth be told, at [whatever] juncture....."  and leave it to the domly party to deal with as he wishes, then or in the future.

well... never mind the numbers.  my understanding is that *this*... "emotional transparency"  is absolutely central to "consensually non-consensual slavery" (bringing in other threads here) as opposed to "consensual yes let's play at this and call it slavery".   Short of time travel or really wacky legal upheavals.... this is all there is---  getting to the core of a submissive's *truth*, and claiming it, and managing it, and owning it. 

I doubt that it is necessary for a domly person to expose him/herself in equal measure.  I am willing to believe, also, that it is possible for a domly party to charge the subly party with some measure of self-management... and that that will in no way compromise the "slavery".   Why?  Because it is understood in advance.

Somehow, to me, that makes all the difference.  If something is understood and discounted....  well, that's the dom's prerogative.  If it is not understood before being discounted?  That is his failing.  And if he failed to create a space in which it could be expressed before it was rejected?  That too is a failing. 

I don't think i'm explaining what i mean adequately, but i'll toss it out anyway.







_____________________________

Miseries hold me fixed, and I would gladly cut these roots to become a floating plant. I would yield myself up utterly, if the inviting stream could be relied upon. --Ono no Komachi

(in reply to AnimusRex)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: emotional transparency - 10/1/2009 9:32:37 PM   
abuddingdom


Posts: 158
Joined: 3/8/2007
Status: offline 		oh no - not the slavery thread!! I stayed out of that one partly because my feelings on slavery are way too mixed, partly because I need way more time in the life to get them unmixed. Don't know if that will happen or not - getting my feelings  about it unmixed, that is.....

Thanks for all the thoughts, so far, regarding ET. From what I'm gleaning that simplistic explanation which I've given to a couple of my friends is more complete that I thought.And yes - I've seen and experienced enough fine-tuned manipulation in my time to know the potential for self-serving at best or, worse, cruelty if this kind of stuff is in the wrong hands.

As my pretty one says, a couple posts back , our way of doing it is pretty uncomplicated, and direct, which is how I want  my life to be as much as possible. And, its both ways -  we both have to know where the other one is at in order to do our respective roles well. Especially in her case - how can she trust me to be in charge if I'm hiding things from her?  And, it's not really a part of power exchange with us, except in the sense that  essentially everything with us has its base in power exchange.

In our case, she's a good anchor to me. She has a keen understanding of where she is & why no matter where life takes her , and  is a good decision maker with little looking back about her.  I often have to figure things out about myself in retrospect. I'm analytical by nature and can usually figure out people around me, and I can do it with myself too but more slowly. And if life plays tricks on me, as life will do,  then I'm not as open as I generally am,and emotional transparancy isnt going to happen until I'm seeing more clearly. She's good at calling my attention to it before I get too far away. With my pretty one serving me and watching out for me I'm in good places more of the time than I was used to. Mutual honesty and transparancy are invaluable assets......

(in reply to sravaka)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: emotional transparency - 10/2/2009 5:29:17 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		marie2--Its possible to take things too literally, overcomplicate them then declare they don't make sense.  Any concept will dissolve into nonsense if you think about it long enough.  Words are like that: they can be forever deconstructed until there's nothing left of them.

Of couse Sir and I are not completely transparant to each other.  As you say, that would be impossible.  But, we strive for a level of transparancy that would enhance our relationship.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to abuddingdom)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: emotional transparency - 10/2/2009 7:38:07 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: looking4princess

quote:

Emotional transparency can be used as a weapon to manipulate people but it does not have to be. There is a difference between being emotionally transparent and being emotionally indulgent. There is also a difference between being emotionally indulgent and emotionally manipulative. Can they all be mixed together into one combustible brew? Sure they can but they don't have to be. I am transparent about my emotions to those that I care about AND who I know will not use my own emotions as a weapon against me.


Some partners just don't wish to deal with the drama. Don't you have to respect that? Do you have to throw it all up all the time? Maybe you risk driving away your partner. And maybe its a little bit of a sign of immaturity to feel the need to express all your feelings all the time. Seems kind of exhausting to me....for both partners.
And what you are describing is what I referred to as emotional indulgence...different from the way I described emotional transparency.  As noted, I do not express each and every emotion I am feeling, especially if it has nothing to do with my relationship or the dynamic---other than to let my partner know it is NOT her fault that I am angry or upset but rather something outside of her and our dynamic/relationship----but even within the dynamic/relationship there is thought that goes on when I feel an emotion that is disconcerting---sadness, anger, irritation.  In the instances I noted in subsequent posts, these may or may not be expressed dependant upon my train of thought regarding them.  However, if expression of what I am feeling, in a mature fashion ----which, as I noted, can be as simple as stating "that makes me sad" vs. a crying jag that is not appropriate to the circumstances and/or the situation---leads to feelings of persecution on her part or unmanageable discomfort and drives a partner away, then they are the ones with a problem.  They either have not learned how to be empathetic towards another, have not learned how to handle emotions in others but only perhaps in themselves, they are too guarded and don't wish to let their own walls down or all of the above.  And, as noted by many on here and agreed with by me, you don't achieve as full of intimacy as possible when you guard each and every emotion you are feeling, any more than you achieve full intimacy when your relationship is filled with emotional indulgence or emotional manipulation. 

quote:

Sometimes, maybe more often then we care to admit, discretion is the better mode, silence the more golden option. Maybe.
I would agree with you and have stated the same thing myself in that first post and in subsequent posts on here.  Sometimes discretion IS the better mode.  I had conversations with female friends who've been hurt to the point where they are very guarded with her feelings.  In the course of these conversations, I've asked them the same thing..."if you are fucking and playing with person A and building a relationship with them and fucking and playing with person B to meet mutual needs in a "fuckbuddy" sort of way but you never tell A how you feel about them because you are too guarded, then how is A supposed to feel any different than B?  Because you spend more time with A?  Because you speak to A in a different manner?  These are actions that are supposed to express feelings of caring, sure...but then so is fucking when the fucking is on an ongoing basis, is it not?  People always say that actions speak louder than words but when some of the actions expressed are the same from one person to another and are as of an imtimate nature as fucking, where does the difference come in?  So again, how can A ever feel any different than B unless you let him hear how you feel about him?" 

Sra'vaka, gypsy girl, LaTigresse, Shorebound, willowspirit, Mercnbeth have all expressed aspects of what I feel about emotional transparency along with my own feelings expressed in my posts.  One of the things I like the best came out of the simple line about hidden emotions and thoughts relevant to the dynamic and relationship but unexpressed while they are still small enough to deal with being the killer of dynamics/relationships...I've experienced this.  If you are anywhere close to my age, I am sure you have too.  I am not going to let that happen again...partially because I am the dominant and I can impose my will to the extent I am allowed and what I wish to impose is a tearing down of walls behind which destroyers lie in wait.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 10/2/2009 7:51:07 AM >

(in reply to looking4princess)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: emotional transparency - 10/2/2009 7:47:25 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm afraid you'll have to count Me in with the thinking it's a buzz word crowd.  No big surprise here.  I'm in the obedience crowd, too.

To date, I haven't found anything positive in the definition of emotional transparency when applied to a D/s or a M/s dynamic that the term full disclosure doesn't cover.  So far, the only difference that I've found is that it sounds a bit more flowery and romantic.  Not to say that isn't appropriate for those who have dynamics with that particular aim.

To illustrate what I mean by that, I'm going to bounce off of the example that Des used in the above.  Let's say that I give a command that clip has reservations about carrying out due to some negative emotional link that he has with the task.  Under full disclosure, he is to bring that to My attention in a respectful manner so that I will have any pertinent information related to that task.  In My authority, I will make My decision from there.  I may chose to change the task into smaller leaps, but I also may not.  The more important factor of the task may not be clip's comfort level with it or whether or not he is happy about performing it.  However, his obedience is expected.

This doesn't just relate to tasks.  With the situation such as it is, I feel that I have to be ever more vigilant to being aware of clip's mental and emotional state.  I am to be told exactly how he is feeling at any time that I ask or at any time there is something distressing him.  I won't accept anything less and clip is fully aware of it.  Not holding that standard would make things even more difficult than they already are.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 40
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