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LadyNTrainer -> RE: The Sexual Objectification of the Male Submissive (10/8/2009 11:43:06 AM)
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ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Flashing back to every SF or comic con I have ever been at... you are right. And, I am going to make the big leap, the sadly truthful leap, that there are women out there who need to develop some fashion sense as well. Wouldn't it be lovely if those two groups could hook up with each other?
We do. I have to admit, I'm one of those nerds. Personal grooming beyond basic health and hygiene does not come instinctively or natural to me, nor does any manner of social signaling or posturing. I've learned to do it as part of presenting a professional image (both as a domme and in the mainstream), but it simply feels weird. I don't ever see that changing for me, either; it is pretty well hardwired. I can go through the motions of being socially acceptable and mimic them more or less accurately, but I can't understand or feel them. For a better understanding of "nerd wiring", google Asperger's Syndrome. And no, I positively do not "need" to develop a fashion sense. All I need is to be able to mimic the monkeys to the point that they don't fling poo at me. Beyond that I have no interest in joining the monkey dance.
What I see a lot of at SF and gaming conventions is people who are a hell of a lot like me, except some of them seem to be much less good at pretending to be otherwise. Either that, or they figure that they don't have to try quite so hard in a place where everyone else is similarly wired. Certainly one of the reasons I enjoy going is that I don't have to try quite so hard either. When I'm with my own tribe, I can relax and communicate in a natural manner without having to walk on eggshells and constantly second-guess people's possibly bizzare emotional responses. I can manage quite competently in most social situations when I have to. But the weirdnesses, foibles, taboos and superficialities of neurotypical people are annoying enough that I really don't enjoy being around them in other than very small doses.
Which brings us to another point.
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ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama
As a human, if you can't be bothered to get your hair cut to suit you or dress yourself half decently, you're no "deeper" and "more substantial" than a person who sends an email full of spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. The clear message that you send to others with a badly spelled email (at least, when English is your mother tongue) is "I don't have enough self-respect to learn to communicate clearly, and I don't care enough about YOU to try and make a good first impression on you."
You have an excellent point, as this is how neurotypicals operate, and these are the underlying assumptions from which a "normally wired" person will view their interactions. I'm fully aware of that, so I mimic their signals, in much the same manner as I would avoid wearing a color or doing a behavior that upset the farm animals I was going in to work among. These signals are and always will be intrinsically meaningless to me. I am always going to think of people who rely primarily on those signals in the same way as I think of cows and horses who are frightened by red fringes. I must coddle their lack of intellect and rationality by not wearing my favorite sweater where they can see it. I can certainly understand and function under those rules, and I can even understand that other people can no more help the way they are wired than I can. What I can't do is respect their worldview, because most of them seem to think that it is supposed to be universal and that the people who don't share it are wrong. You are not right or wrong. You're an evolved primate, and that's how the social centers of your brain function. There really is no deeper truth here.
Not everybody is wired the same way, and to a small but significant percentage of the population, the primate social dances that most people are so firmly attached to really don't look any different to us than the weird things other monkeys insist on doing. We can mimic it, but we'll never feel it or believe it. The result can be that someone who genuinely does respect another person and wish to impress them may fail to do so because they're operating under different assumptions.
Now if you receive a sloppy written or verbal communication from someone who is trying to impress, their issue almost certainly isn't Asperger's. But if they are intelligent, articulate and precise in their writing but a bit sloppy in person, consider informing them calmly and factually that you would like them to be equally precise in their manner of dress and grooming, and then specify the details. If they do have a sincere desire to be pleasing to you and to impress you, they will very likely comply. But it won't be automatic or instinctive as you probably think it "should" be, since you're wired that way and you naturally assume that they are too.
Don't get me wrong here. You certainly don't have to put up with anything that displeases or annoys you. A partner who does not natively understand why you get upset at sloppy grooming may not be the right partner for you, even if he is fully capable of learning your rules and abiding by them once you have clearly explained them. It works the other way around, too. I can't spend too much time in the company of primate-wired people without needing a break. Just don't automatically assume that a lack of interest in visual social signals means a lack of respect. It certainly can, but that isn't always the case.
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