lovingpet
Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: leadership527
~Fast Reply~
Thank you to everyone who has listened and posted and wished us well - I was blown away by all the responses. I've certainly been giving my role a great deal of thought - let me clarify what I can.
I want to mention that this has been a very odd bumpy ride; this week has been a crescendo of friction culminating in my retreat from my slave position - and - although I was sure mad, our conflict wasn't combative. I stomped up and down the driveway, wrapped myself up in a blanket and cried on the porch for a long time, then came to bed, told him to expect some roller-coaster emotions, and we were actually intimate. Since then, there has been a lot less static in the air and we're significantly closer. He gets a bucket of credit for staying calm and remaining overtly loving. Some may say he's a softie (he is) some may say he's inflexible in some areas (I'll give you that), but he always paints a clear picture of his expectations of me and I'm never taken by surprise.
In reconstructing the meltdown, I think the move to Canada played a significant part. Someone identified "disallusionment and regret" as a normal phase in a move, no matter how fine it is - and I think I was in that phase. I think I started getting stingy in my submission - 'passive aggressive' might be a more technical term. In response, Jeff at first 'played out the leash', giving me some space, but it didn't make me any happier - frankly, I'm not sure I was noticing. He tried to give commands and I only grew more sullen and obeyed grudingly, which would frustrate him, and then his commands became icy and unpleasant. Our normally open and forthright conversations were gone.
One thing you should know about me; I'm not very judgmental. However, I fear others' judgment - or at least, I fear having to defend my non-conformist tendancies to the conforming. In that way I'm extremely private. My role of a slave is very problematic for me, because I'm a happy camper pleasing my Master, so long as no one knows I'm a slave pleasing a Master. You see the conflict. This extends to other non-conformist things I've done -- back when I was a hippy feminist I didn't shave... but I couldn't reconcile displaying any hair - so throughout the long hot midwest summer I wore long pants and nothing sleeveless. *sigh* I like being a radical but I hate being a rebel.
I've been remembering what it used to be like when our dynamic wasn't dysfunctional; for significant commands, I had trust, a bit of trepidation, excitment, a bit of a tingle. I would like that again.
In questioning myself, why do it? I've come up with three answers:
1. Because he loves it
2. Because I trust he can guide my life better than I can - especially in health and career
3. It pulls us closer together as a couple
Last night, I made some decisions. This process of self-reflection has clarified that when Jeff and I are both singing off the same page, some very lovely music is created. I've looked hard at what kind of relationship I want, and I want the best it can offer. That means I'm choosing the high-stakes game, which requires that I muster all my self-discipline (being able to give) and integrity (knowing what not to give away). He and I are both looking forward to a refreshed dynamic of M/s between us.
One last thing; I revised a quote to more fully reflect how I'm seeing my role:
Along the way, I stopped analyzing the path I had agreed to travel. I followed my Master's guidence and let go of doubt. I become one with his goals and wishes; with me, he would have the strength, power and permission to attain goals we otherwise could not have negotiated. I let go of the need for privacy or to wearing, eating or doing what I wanted. I began to think of myself as my Master's.
~Carol
I will add my welcome to you Carol! It is good to hear from you!
I completely understand your non conformist streak. Mine is, for the most part, safely hidden away in a great many aspects of my life. Sometimes it almost feels like a double life. It isn't a lack of genuineness, in my view, just more an issue of personal space. Some things the whole world really doesn't need to know about me. I would be quite upset if a lot of my eccentricities were exposed to people in my everyday life. I am careful to only present what I know they can handle. I think it is a tie in to my submissive nature to not want to make people uncomfortable or upset so many apple carts. I am from a very conservative family and community as well as having deep religious roots as well. I don't want my life and the choices I have made to be a stumbling block to anyone else. My reputation is very important to me as well, so it is not surprising that I am careful to protect it.
All that being said, I am very proud of my relationship with my partner. I don't know how much Jeff shares with you from the forums or messages he receives on the other side, but I have a very hard time using the word slave in reference to myself, despite the fact that it really does fit when it comes to my partner. I have alluded to some of that in this thread, so you may have read about it some. I pretty happily go anywhere with him and he is able to display our relationship in various ways without any upset from me. It is when he pulls out that word "slave" that I get all unsteady. I don't think it reflects at all on how I feel about him or our relationship in terms of being proud or ashamed, but does reflect my own apprehension about what it means I am and what the expectations from him are because he views me as such.
I was looking at your reasons as well and it strikes me that it is hard to be honest with ourselves sometimes. Please don't take that as a slight because it is not intended that way. Two things that glare at me is how often we, as submissive people, can lose sight of what our own preferences are and also how hard it is to admit that it is what we both desire and need. You are very wrapped up in what pleases Jeff, as well you ought to be. The thing is, I read in your words a sense of well being, peace, happiness, and security within the context of your relationship. I think you just might like (maybe love) this too. I know. It is terribly difficult to admit that as plainly as you did about how he feels about it. It is a source of some amount of irritation on my part to know that I really do need and even crave for the control and boundaries, decisions, guidance, and steadfastness of my partner. I am a very independent person, but I don't really very well on my own as much as I like being self determined. It is really annoying to realize how often I am wrong about things like what I need and want, what was right for me, or how I feel about something. He accepts these reactions from me mostly because they are very natural and very much in line with my personality. I think there has to be an acceptance of each other's humanity and wiring to not be hurt by sideways reactions on occasion.
I will agree that your move is probably a big factor and there is absolutely nothing abnormal about it causing a great deal of stress in all kinds of areas. This, too, shall pass. It is just going to take an extra measure of patience and bearing with each other in the meantime. I know it is difficult. Hang in there!
I'm glad things seem to be getting back on track and you are doing better than ever. My partner and I are the same way. I get very wound up in my own head about things and he helps me pull the right threads to let it all unravel. In the end, we are better for it and we reach a deeper, higher level because of those times. All my best!
lovingpet
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RE: To take or not? - 
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