Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

how long do You wait till meeting someone??


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> how long do You wait till meeting someone?? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/29/2004 8:12:19 PM   
knees2you


Posts: 2336
Joined: 3/15/2004
Status: offline 		Just wondering how long do You wait
before wanting to meet someone`
When do You feel it has been long enough~

Also what do You look for in sincerity from
the other person, just before You meet ~~

Sincerely, eyesofAslave






Attachment (1)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/29/2004 9:06:49 PM   
Synocense


Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		First I want to remind you that what I write is my opinion only. I am sure there will be disagreements, so in the end, follow your own heart. : )

One of the most terrifying things for me to learn is that people meet one another on blind faith. "Because she seems so sincere...." or "Because he wants me to prove myself...." are only two of many flawed reasons people decide to meet face to face....even though they have reservations or their gut is screaming *Yikes!* They make excuses to themselves such as telling themself its just nerves or shyness or a tropical disease....whatever you want to call it, its still a warning sign.

Communication levels vary...there is online on boards, in groups, in EMz, in IMz..there is the telephone... Utilize all of these if you find yourself interested in someone. Talk alot and about everything possible, not just that which pertains to our lifestyle. Often times you will see inconsistancies and if this is the case, just run. If you find that things seems to moving forward, wait until you feel comfortable with the next level of communication before going there. Don't give in to pressure - even though those of us with submissive tendencies find that hard sometimes. heh Think of it as saving your own life.

I wish I could give you a definite amount of time before you meet someone, but that would be unreasonable. So instead, I say listen to yourself, with common sense and always talk, talk, talk and then talk some more!

Good luck!!
syn

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/30/2004 1:12:06 AM   
starshine


Posts: 40
Joined: 7/28/2004
From: London
Status: offline 		Synocense speaks/writes (?) very sensibly.

Mostly I try to chat to a person on IM a few times before I'll give my phone number out. I find that if someone isn't genuine then they will slip up quite quickly online; and its far harder to say "I didn't say that" when its there in black and white.

If I feel comfortable with them after a few times on IM then I'll progress to the phone, I kept my old mobile phone when I upgraded and just changed simcards (who me paranoid? lol) so its not that big a deal to give the number out if I want things to go further.

If chatting on the phone seems to go well, I try to arrange a meeting somewhere very neutral and public.

Again, as Synocense said, I can't give an actual timescale, people's schedules don't always run to specific times, but its normally a couple of weeks at least. In fact the only time things could have gone wrong is when I was bored one weekend and arranged to meet someone who'd only just contacted me that day.

Nothing happened but my instincts were screaming at me so I made my excuses and left. I can't stress enough the value of meeting in a public place such as a coffee shop for comfort and safety.

Take your time and don't rush. The best things come to those who wait

_____________________________

Leave home earlier - live another day!

(in reply to Synocense)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/30/2004 6:09:16 AM   
Destinysskeins


Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings,

Going to agree with the other posters...the actual timeline varies from person to person. My personal opinion - meet in person fairly soon after meeting online. Facades and false imagery can be created very easily online - on both sides. After speaking with someone strictly online or even just on the phone for a long period of time there is a tendency to romanticize a person into the image of your ideal person. The longer this imagery is fostered the more difficult it will be to see the person as they truly are in person.

And i'll reiterate this because it just can't be said too many times - meet in public. Someone else (can't remember exactly - perhaps Lady Angelika?) has mentioned in previous threads that after meeting She inforces a mandatory 48 hour cooling period. i think this is a good idea - let your emotions settle and give yourself some time to logically think about what was discussed, the body language and non-verbal clues that were given, etc. Also, another idea - if you have a mentor or even just a close friend in the Lifestyle whose judgement you trust, take them with you to the meeting. Not saying that they necessarily have to remain for the whole duration but i think having another person's objective point of view is a good idea.

Well wishes

_____________________________

Wilted petals fall from a rose like bitters tears wrung from a heart whose dreams have shattered. What hope for the future can be seen by eyes that are darkened with sorrow neverending?

i'm not manic-depressive, i just have an elliptical personality

(in reply to starshine)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/30/2004 6:17:11 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		There is no magic time for a first meet. There are lots of threads regarding safety, so do a search. What hasn't been brought up yet is that people are different in person, not necessarily in a bad way. I say to follow the safety guidelines and meet that person soon. It also helps you weed out people you would otherwise spend lots of time on only to be disappointed later. JMO

Have fun!
ann

PS: Sorry Destiny, your post came up while I was writing mine so I didn't see it until now. You brought up my thoughts and elaborated very well!!

< Message edited by sweetpleaser -- 8/30/2004 6:21:01 AM >

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/30/2004 6:25:07 AM   
Destinysskeins


Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline 		*smiles* quite alright, sweetpleaser. It's nice to know that i'm not quite as alone in my head as i sometimes think. Btw - how'd you get in there?

_____________________________

Wilted petals fall from a rose like bitters tears wrung from a heart whose dreams have shattered. What hope for the future can be seen by eyes that are darkened with sorrow neverending?

i'm not manic-depressive, i just have an elliptical personality

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/30/2004 7:27:19 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		I really don't know, a computer geek I am not

Take care,
ann

(in reply to Destinysskeins)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/30/2004 8:05:57 AM   
Laura


Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		I meet when I feel curious enough about someone to go to the trouble of meeting them. I live awhile north of the city so it has to be worth the drive. You can't be sure about someone from online no matter how many times you chat on the phone or through IM's, etc. Meeting them is what makes everything clear. So, if there is a spark and I feel I can trust them I arrange a meeting quite soon. I've met some within a week. Of course it depends on schedules too.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to sweetpleaser)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/30/2004 8:37:24 AM   
cheeba0228


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/27/2004
From: Detroit
Status: offline 		For me I will meet someone when they are ready to meet me. I use guidelines other than times for determining when to meet someone. Example the first time we meet will be in a public place out of scene, it will be just us no other friends or acquaintences (sp) and there will be no sexual contact upon first meeting. Simple but good rules to follow.

_____________________________

LIFE'S JOURNEY IS NOT TO ARRIVE AT THE GRAVE SAFELY IN A WELL PRESERVED
BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, TOTALLY WORN OUT, SHOUTING "HOLY
SHIT......WHAT A RIDE!


(in reply to Synocense)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/30/2004 9:46:37 AM   
smile2cu


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/21/2004
From: Dayton, OH
Status: offline 		Such sensible opinions here. As they say "Who'd a thunk it?"

And I just love cheeba's quote. That pretty much sums things up for me.
Try everything!
quote:

cheeba0228:
LIFE'S JOURNEY IS NOT TO ARRIVE AT THE GRAVE SAFELY IN A WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, TOTALLY WORN OUT, SHOUTING "HOLY SHIT......WHAT A RIDE!

(in reply to cheeba0228)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/30/2004 9:50:24 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Just wondering how long do You wait
before wanting to meet someone`
When do You feel it has been long enough~

Also what do You look for in sincerity from
the other person, just before You meet ~


I think this varies from person to person. Myself there has to be a certain level of trust established there. I tested potentials in many ways. Trying to trick them up if they were lying to me. It was no big deal for me at all to just throw someone out of the running. There were many more standing in line for a chance. I realize if I were male this would be an entire different world.
With each individual I chatted with online. Certain vibes would give me warning signs. Some people never got my phone number at all. Some did. Doug got it rather quickly. Actually I met him the fastest I had met anyone. We had been chatting online for 4 months. I think it was about 2 month's before he got my number.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news here to. Starshine, keeping your old phone does nothing to stop someone from getting your info. The sim card is the phone. By changing the sim card you are switching everything over. Phone number, address book...everything. Most cell phones you can actually go in and block your phone number from going out to the other party though. That has nothing to do with the sim card though.

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/30/2004 3:50:15 PM   
pixieunleashed


Posts: 105
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline 		I agree that it varies from person to person, but in general I prefer to meet people in public locations as soon as I figure out that I am interested in them. I hate to let things go forever on the net building up fantasies about who someone is, I prefer to just meet them and figure it out myself.

thanks for reading this, have a great day,

pixie

_____________________________

**please note that I realize that I am just as full of crap as everybody else, feel free to remind me anytime**

If you understand it.......you've missed the point.


[image]http://img33.exs.cx/img33/2424/pixieunleashed-2.jpg[/image]

(in reply to knees2you)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 8/31/2004 9:03:35 PM   
cheeba0228


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/27/2004
From: Detroit
Status: offline 		I just wish more people thought like us. Life is a Highway some people should think about taking the training wheels off their bike.

_____________________________

LIFE'S JOURNEY IS NOT TO ARRIVE AT THE GRAVE SAFELY IN A WELL PRESERVED
BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, TOTALLY WORN OUT, SHOUTING "HOLY
SHIT......WHAT A RIDE!


(in reply to smile2cu)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 9/1/2004 3:41:13 AM   
snowleopard


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/16/2004
From: UK
Status: offline 		How long is a piece of string? *shrugs* as almost everyone has said it depends on the person and on how comfortable I feel. Some I have met sooner than others, shortest period being after 8 weeks of multiple daily emails, text messages and telephone calls, others it can take 6 months or more. Some I would never meet but I have enjoyed interacting with them at arms length so to speak.

In 2 cases it was over a year before we got to meet simply because we were on different continents and that was the earliest chance I or they had to make the trip to our respective countries.

I make it abundantly clear that there is no "minimum" period of time within which I will decide to meet them, we play it by ear, it could happen reasonably fast or not at all, if they aren't happy with those boundaries then frankly they wouldn't be the kind of person I would be comfortable with in a relationship anyway. If they are going to apply pressure over an initial meeting knowing all the risks involved in it, then what other areas would they apply pressure in? What other of my boundaries wouldn't they respect?

_____________________________

~submission is something inside you, not something you convince others of by faking an attitude~
Rowenas Ramblings
Snow Time Forums

(in reply to cheeba0228)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 9/1/2004 7:44:52 AM   
Maltor


Posts: 32
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		There has been alot of posts here... and they all seem to agree when you are comfortable... just because someone is submissive doesn't mean they should be pushed or driven to meet you... they are submissive yes, but for them to submit it takes trust... forcing someone you barely have talked to into something they are not comfortable with is not a good way to build upon that trust. Trust is earned, it's not something demanded... it shouldn't be expected on a whim...

Remember that if someone tries to push you into meeting them, then ask.... "can I trust them enough to ensure my safety for just meeting?"





quote:

**please note that I realize that I am just as full of crap as everybody else, feel free to remind me anytime**


Cute tagline pixie

(in reply to snowleopard)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 9/1/2004 1:32:12 PM   
MaitresseEden


Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline 		Well, I have always believed that the straitiest distance between two points is a strait line. If you want a serious realtionship and you feel good about someone, Meet them.. Be safe of course. But I tend to cut the the chase.. I give them my number and have them call me.. I don't accept annoymous calls so there number will be on my Caller ID. I can cross that by simply going to Google and typing in the number and it may or may not give me the persons name and address.. That only works if there calling from a land line that is not unlisted.

I think the key is talking to them over a period of time.. and not just talking about kink. Do they show up as an employee on their company website? Is the phone number they gave me at work, actually get through to them.. Basically, are they telling me the truth. Now granted, there are always risks, and the occassionaly psychotic stalker is out there. But I find, if you want someone to trust you enough to give you their personal information then you have to meet them half way and give them some of yours.

Another great website for verifying people is publicdata.com. There is nothing wrong with asking someone, do you mind if I verify what you say is correct? If they baulk and stall, then I'm loose interest in them, becuase they have something to hide..

Trust me, even the most well intentioned, those you are seriously committed to can be deceptive and dishonest, I once found out after 8 months and an engagement that I had been decieved about who a person was. But alas, that is the risk that we all take even in vanilla life.

I will say, that in my opinion the following are what I consider to be smart things to keep in mind, or Warning signs when getting to know someone.

1. They only call you, and have no number for you to reach them.
2. They are only available during daytime hours, during weekdays.
3. They have met your kids, family, or friends but you havn't met theirs
4. They won't tell you where they live.
5. They always pay cash when you go someplace.
6. Whenever you question them they say.. cause I'm the dom/domme and won't disuss your concerns.
7. When they keep a change of clothes in the car, not work related.
8. When they shower religiously before leaving, regardless of the activitity.
9. When they say.. Don't leave a message
10. When they will only give you their work number or their cell number.. (granted some only carry a cell)..
11. When after meeting a time or two they won't tell you their real name, and what show you their ID card.
12. When they blame thier inavailability on work, yet your not able to contact them at work..



The truth of the matter, is if your just looking for someone to screw, or play with casually with no strings attached, most of this wont matter to you.. However, most want more than that.. and I don't understand how anyone could intelligently consent to give total submission to something casually.. (another topic).. but to be that devalues the specialness and beauty of giving it to someone who cherishes you for doing so.. and vice versa for the Dom/mes.. I have no desire for someone who just gives it away to anyone who will take it.. but then... that is a whole new topic.

my .02

Ms.Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to Maltor)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 9/1/2004 3:13:05 PM   
MistressZanthia


Posts: 88
Joined: 7/2/2004
From: Seattle, Washington, USA
Status: offline
quote:

7. When they keep a change of clothes in the car, not work related.

I keep a weekender bag in my car with 3 changes of clothes, sorry but that doesn't make me a stalker, married or otherwise unsavory in any way. I makes me a good girl scout because I never know when I might spend the night at a friend's house... or lover's because it got too late to drive a harrowing mountain road in the dark.

As for the topic at hand. I've said it before, I'll say it again. There are no more whackos, stalkers, psychos in the world than there ever were. They just have better internet access!

I don't wait to meet someone, if he puts me off, dismissed, reject pile there's my red flag. Paranoia is enough to send me packing fast. I don't email forever, phone forever and then decide. If someone interests me I meet 'em for coffee or lunch or dinner even, like real dating people do, I check our chemistry right off. I do it ASAP for both of us, why waste months of time on someone who smells like your brother when you finally meet him and you can't get near him? Stupid. God, what freakin' paranoia the lot of you have.

Edited to add:
And it has nothing to do with D/s people. It has every thing to do with unreasonable paranoia about blind dating. Fostered mainly by the fearful. Fearful of what I have no care about.

Want to know how real someone is? Date them and find out. You can do all the background checks, pay out a fortune for it when all you really had to do was meet the person. Doesn't anyone trust their gut level instincts anymore? I trust mine, they don't stear me wrong, never have and I don't expect they ever will. Know yourself.

~Zan~

< Message edited by MistressZanthia -- 9/1/2004 3:19:09 PM >

_____________________________

~*Zan*~
www.zanthia.com

(in reply to MaitresseEden)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 9/1/2004 7:46:54 PM   
MaitresseEden


Posts: 477
Joined: 8/8/2004
From: Houston, Texas
Status: offline 		Of course there are always exception to the above.... the gist of what I am saying is, if things don't make sense and add up.. question them.

Eden

_____________________________

"If I didnt define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other peoples fantasies for me and eaten alive. - Audre Lorde"

(in reply to MistressZanthia)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 9/2/2004 6:19:53 PM   
JadedSouls


Posts: 13
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: Canada
Status: offline 		For me, like some of the other posts, it happens when it feels right. Sometimes it's been withina matter of days - other times it took months or even a year before we got to the point of meeting. It's all about my comfort level...

_____________________________

I want to be your fantasy ... and your reality
And everything between...

(in reply to MaitresseEden)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: how long do You wait till meeting someone?? - 9/2/2004 6:30:26 PM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		Yeah, according to your list I must definitely be a stalker...haha. Thus my problem with absolutism like lists of the sort display. Cause there are many reasons for things...but in this day and age we gotta cut through the weeds however we desire to save time, energy, emotions so if a few flowers get cut in the process no real worries.

Anyway, to the point at hand it is different from person to person, it all depends on how much you click. I personally don't like talking to people online very long without meeting them face to face, now I almost never, ever will allow any sort of play even just random sex on a first, often even a second meeting...but that's just a personal rule of thumb which whenever I break ends up in chaos. (check my subs into stalker thread for case and point. haha) People all too often look at a D/s relation as different then any other relationship in the vanilla world. How long would you wait before meeting anyone that you have common interests or "virtual chemistry" with? Then apply that answer to your question about this. Sure there may be more involved but only you will know when you are ready and what you are ready for.

(in reply to MaitresseEden)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> how long do You wait till meeting someone?? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094