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i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 2:53:26 AM   
chewtoy89


Posts: 20
Status: offline 		Ok I have only been on here a few days and I am new to this lifestyle. Anyway a few days after joining this site a dom messaged me and we started talking and everything was great. Then my dad had a heart attack and I have not been able to be online much because I have been staying at the hospital with my family when I am not at work well I let him know what was going on and that I was not sure when I would be able to be online again and after that he has been actting really pissy with me and then tonight he sent me a message saying he guessed it was over so what I want to know is should I even try to fix this and did I do something worng in the first place
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RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 3:01:48 AM   
CravingMore


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/15/2009
Status: offline 		Of course you haven't done anything wrong. It just shows he isn't a real Dom and he obviously has no real feeling for you. He should have been more understanding and patient. There are Dominants out there who are real and will treat you with the respect and care you deserve. Stay true to yourself and i hope your father gets better soon

(in reply to chewtoy89)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 3:06:59 AM   
cbaby


Posts: 103
Joined: 6/23/2005
Status: offline 		you did absolutely nothing wrong, don't even think that......your family comes first and nobody should attempt to supersede that. If you've only been talking for a little while, exactly what does this Dom think is over, has anything truly begun (you are only talking), it is a matter of choices and your choice is to be with your family....HIS choice is to act "pissy" and sounds like a guilt trip (perhaps not intentional) if you are trying to "fix"....not to sound like a doubting Thomas, but if you do "fix"....will this be stored away for future (you weren't here when) reference....if he is serious, he should support you, not make it all about him ....i wish you all the best hon and hope your dad makes a full recovery :-)

_____________________________

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”.....Alice - Alice in Wonderland

(in reply to chewtoy89)
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RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 3:20:43 AM   
chewtoy89


Posts: 20
Status: offline 		Thank you very much cbaby for the advice and I am not sure I want to be with a dom that can't understand that my family is everything to me

(in reply to cbaby)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 3:24:39 AM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline 		Ugh! A mature dom would be someone who would acknowledge that he would understand your family situation and he should have offered you support in this matter. It seems like he was expecting you to be submissive to him at the drop of a hat. Even though you have had online communication with him and he has reacted very negatively towards you, I would tell him that it is over and seek someone who has class and maturity, not someone who acts like a child.

Be happy you found this out early than having any further involvement with him.

(in reply to cbaby)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 4:18:23 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		What is there to ‘fix’?  You barely know each other!  Except you now know he lacks empathy and has little tolerance for real life situations that get in his way.  Do you think you should tolerate it because he calls himself a dominant?    Would you take that from anyone else?

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to chewtoy89)
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RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 4:29:34 AM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good morning!
Welcome to the online world of BDSM...kinda. You will meet all kinds of people and all kinds of games. There are some people that if you don't jump and start calling them Master right away, they get huffy or self righteous. Take your time and know that the block button is your friend if they start showing red flags like this. and don't feel pressured into meeting every single Dom that you get along with, be safe. Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel


_____________________________

Sir HighlanderME's little z

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 5:57:56 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Slow down, OP.  You want to get to know someone - what attitude they have towards their job, whether they have a yard to mow, what kinds of food they eat - before you begin thinking there might be a chance at a relationship.  If you were to ask this alleged "Dom" about his previous relationships, he would have emphasized the things his previous subs had done to ruin the relationships, and that would have been a huge red flag.

IMNSHO, being a Dom involves responsibility, caring for others, and integrity.  There are lots of wannabe Doms who think it's only about kinky sex.  Keep looking until you find a good one.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Zechriel)
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RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 6:17:01 AM   
subtlebutterfly


Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		What is up with this young generation? They all seem to think that they get into fully functional relationship within 1 minute of meeting somebody of the opposite sex (or same sex depending on the sexuality).
I feel old.


_____________________________

~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 6:25:50 AM   
angelordevil2006


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/30/2009
Status: offline 		keep him going down the road. he's a wanna-be jumping on fresh meat.

An 'experienced'  dom/master knows that there are situations that a sub/slave has no control over

you didn't do anything wrong

best wishes for you and your family



_____________________________

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through the experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved

(in reply to subtlebutterfly)
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RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 7:07:09 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chewtoy89

tonight he sent me a message saying he guessed it was over
My response to this would be "Yup, it's over."

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to chewtoy89)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 7:10:54 AM   
KYsissy


Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		I wouldn't want to be casual friends with someone who couldn't understand a family emergency, let alone a deeper relationship.


< Message edited by KYsissy -- 10/10/2009 7:16:04 AM >

_____________________________

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935

(in reply to chewtoy89)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 8:52:18 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Even if you were in an established relationship with a dom, a family emergency transcends all for the length of the emergency. Since this person obviously doesn't understand this nuance of being human, i would say that you are better off without him.

As they say in the navy - try, try, and try again. Just like dating , you have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince! And there are some very nice princes out there.

Of course, to be fair, he probably thinks you are blowing him off, but short of sending him a hospital bill as proof, i don't see a solution. *shrugs* Oh well......................................

(in reply to KYsissy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 10:04:49 AM   
afterforever


Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline 		I agree with what subtlebutterfly said. A few days of messaging does not mean you owe this guy anything. And it's really not that big an investment on your part, so if he's already throwing up red flags, cut him loose.

To be fair yeah he probably just thinks you're making excuses and are another fluffy sub looking for some insane ideal so you don't have to do anything in real life, but who cares what some stranger on the internet thinks, you know what's going on in your own life. And he doesn't have to be a whiny little bitch about it.

I hope your dad is doing ok.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 10:26:07 AM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: chewtoy89

tonight he sent me a message saying he guessed it was over
My response to this would be "Yup, it's over."


Dito...that person does not really show any interest to your own personal situation you are facing at the moment, does he?

When I started my involvement with Mr. A I was involved with two people at that time but was more drawn to him. However, he faced a similar situation to yours as his mum got a stroke, which also delayed future plans big time. Due to previous negative encounters I had just before dating him, He and I had decided during that time that I will give him a break and get to know a bit more the other person I was involved with as I did not want to add bad atmosphere due to light disappointment into the contact with him (he had also clarified to me that right now he can't say anything if and how it will continue and so I did not feel the need to just "wait" for someone whom I actually hadn't met in person so far). So we took a break and he visited his mum at another continent and I spent some more time chatting with the other person. Mr A and I continued brief chats at times and emails where he said that he appreciates that I don't want potentially add negative attitude into my contact with him due to that uncertainty now but that he also struggles to see how fast I moved on (even when he understood my reasons for it, he did not like it).

However, at the end I decided to continue my involvement with Mr A as he had significantly more potential to meet my needs then my other involvement and so far we date fairly happily and will soon meet again. So whilst I can understand that doubts can come up from a person when (s)he makes such an announcement - considering a lot is going on online - Mr A and I simply found our mutual way to handle the situation. I felt sorry for him and I gave him lots of advice I had, I was there for him contact wise, just not actively dating at that point. That helped him to stay focused on his visit home and gave him more freedom to get a clear mind what he is going to do next (if he goes back home to his state or not) and also ensured that I don't have to trust that blindly yet to a person I barely know.

So if a person approaches you like that and not considering your situation, then I would not be interested into him.

I am sure that if I would have reacted like that, that Mr. A would not have bothered about me anymore and just because I had not met him at that point did not lead me to the conclusion to accuse him of lieing straight away. He and I had decided to give him some space and to ensure that we don't get annoyed at each other when we certainly should not at such a situation.

Just ask yourself how much would he consider you when you would be with him, when he already does not seem to show understanding or sympathy yet? So for me he would be toast and I would not be bothered to waste my time with him.

Best wishes for the recovery for your dad  and good luck to you, too


< Message edited by Phoenixpower -- 10/10/2009 10:27:03 AM >

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 10:47:38 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		I think some fools use being dominant as an excuse to be a jerk. Sounds like you met one of them online. Luckily, you found out quickly what a jerk he is and can now move on.

(in reply to Phoenixpower)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 10:49:04 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

You know what? I can't even fathom an alternate universe in which my partner would have ever acted in this manner. I can't imagine when I would ever behave this way either. You had a major, real life emergency in your life and instead of supporting you and showing some patience and empathy, he chose to make matters worse. I don't see this as good human being behavior, much less dominant behavior. All dominants will have their flavor, but I don't know of too many who would see this as appropriate behavior. You had a family emergency and did what you had to do take take care of it properly. You have done nothing wrong. This isn't worth fixing even if it were possible. Take some time and decide what you really want out of a dominant man before going much further. Was his behavior acceptable to YOU?

lovingpet

_____________________________

If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.


(in reply to Phoenixpower)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 10:50:46 AM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline 		chewtoy89....Sounds like he's a little boy throwing a mega temper tantrum because he can't have his way all the time. Frankly, if a partner/dom/sub or any other can not understand that a family emergency takes precedence over a a short or long term D/s dynamic; then it wasn't worth continuing. Seems you were open and stated what happened and if he can't accept that then simply say buh bye twit.






_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to chewtoy89)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 11:05:36 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		You know, normally I like to answer from my own life experiences rather than make direct assertions about other people's lives. But in this case, I'm just giong to go right ahead with the direct assertions.

Assuming that what you have said here is the unvarnished truth then...

The good news is that it's already fixed. Near as I can tell, the only issue here is that you found yourself a moron for a dominant. Now that's been fixed. And kudos to the guy for fixing it himself.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to chewtoy89)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: i need some advice please - 10/10/2009 11:38:42 AM   
waitingforMaster


Posts: 8
Joined: 2/3/2007
Status: offline 		dont even bother with Him, totally not worth it.  move on it wasnt your fault you did noting wrong and his is an ass. there are plenty more great Doms out there

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 20
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