Being the Person We Aspire to Be

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OttersSwim -> Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 9:43:59 AM)
Our Best Self...the Person our Dog Thinks we Are... I believe that submission helps you to be that person. I know this because of something that happened last night between myself and my Lady. I had a moment of intense disappointment and frustration spring on me because we had bad weather. I found myself acting in a way that caused my Lady to look at me as if I had grown a second head. To her, it was not "like me at all"...I realized that it was how I "used to act". When our relationships are new, we are all on our "best behavior" - for a short time, we are the person we all aspire to be - our best self, projected for that new person in our lives. We are more loving, selfless, patient, giving, kind, and all those active words that say that we are intent and focused on that other person and their happiness - I believe this is generally true to all humans, not just submissive ones. That best behavior usually lasts through that period of New Relationship Energy (NRE). Once we start to settle in and feel more comfortable, a more realistic day to day version of who we are emerges. That can mean subtle or marked shifts in behavior. But I wonder if being submissive extends that "best behavior" pattern over a longer period than just through the NRE period. I also wonder if being dominant has the same effect? For myself, I have not acted out in that sort of outburst in over a year. That is fairly significant and leads thinking down all sorts of paths for submission being a model for positive behavior modification. Some of the tenants of submission (for most folk) include those concepts of extending love, selflessness, patience, generosity, etc. to another. None of us is perfect...well except Nihilus and Greedy ... Eventually we all "settle in" and we can see old patterns of behavior emerge that we have suppressed in ourselves in favor of this new D/s dynamic and of course through the NRE. I believe that for submissives, it can be important to recognize when you have crossed over into that relaxed area and look for behaviors that complement, and ones that hinder your dynamic. Also changes in life like moving in together can significantly affect that. So what do you think? Does being submissive make you a better person? Has your experience been that it has extended that projection of your "best self" in your relationships? Have you seen old behaviors that are inconsistent with your current dynamic pop up like I have? And for you Dominants? How do you believe these concepts relate to you? Does being dominant help you to be that person your dog thinks you are? Has being dominant extended that sort of best behavior in your relationships? How about your behavior? For submissives, becoming one means significant changes in attitudes and behavior...what about either becoming a Dominant, or entering into a new relationship? Okay, that was a blatant and transparent attempt to get points... [;)] **No actually, Greedy really is perfect... [:)]

Justme696 -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 9:54:50 AM)
The Dom is not me..I am the Dom. I am not better because I am a Dom. I am simply me...and perhaps because of that Dominant....but perhaps it is a coincidence also. ok..that was confusing. The Dom and me are the same person...in short....

leadership527 -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:08:01 AM)
Nope, there is nothing inherently good or bad about being a dom or sub. Come on.. think about it. How many posts have you seen from hopeless people who are using submission as an excuse to be lazy, timid, fearful, or otherwise inadequate to a good relationship. And I KNOW you've seen the asshat doms post. The dynamic works well for Carol and I only because those are my expectations. My specific words to Carol when I collared her... "Gone are the days when we do enough for our marriage. From this moment on, we will be doing our best, not enough." But sheez, I've seen an awful lot of other and much darker visions.

lovingpet -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:10:20 AM)
I think it is more that some people help us want to be more than what we currently are. Some people just inspire our best. I know I cannot imagine giving or being anything but my absolute best for my partner. I don't think he could imagine being anything less than his absolute best for me. I think it is a level of intimacy and also a level of expectation and responsibility that lead to this. I know he expects my best and nothing less is really acceptable. I know I expect his best and could not trust him like I do without it. We all fail occasionally, but I think there are people who come into our lives and transform us for the better over the long run. It is a beautiful thing when this happens and I have to congratulate you on finding one of these special people for your own life! Hugs da otter! lovingpet

Elisabella -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:22:38 AM)
-FR- Yes. Being a dom or a sub makes you a better person than those flawed vanilla folk whose relationships are destined to fail. In other news, spanking increases brain cells and getting throat fucked makes your tits bigger.

OttersSwim -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:23:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet ... I think it is more that some people help us want to be more than what we currently are. Some people just inspire our best. ... Hugs da otter! I think this can be very true. For me, I feel as if I am a better person not only because I am with my Lady, but that our D/s dynamic has directly affected my attitudes and behavior in a positive and -changing- way. Over the past year, I feel as if I have been -more- than just the sum of all my parts. Stepping into a submissive place has been a major factor in that part of me that I see improved. I want to keep that going... Hugs da lp back! [:)]

kallisto -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:23:57 AM)
I agree with lovingpet. [:)] There are those people that simply bring out the best in us. They want the best we have to offer. They won't settle for less than the best. How satisfying that is for both sides of the slash when that happens!!! [:)]

mnottertail -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:24:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella In other news, spanking increases brain cells and getting throat fucked makes your tits bigger. I knew there was scientific research out there that buttressed my position. Ron

OttersSwim -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:29:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella -FR- Yes. Being a dom or a sub makes you a better person than those flawed vanilla folk whose relationships are destined to fail. ... I never made such an assertion. Think longer thoughts.

lovingpet -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:33:43 AM)
It is very awesome indeed!!!!! Otter, I am just curious if you think maybe the change has come more out of the fact that you now have some internal harmony and are living your life more true to your natural inclinations. I think when we are conflicted it causes a great deal of stress in our lives and it shows through in some rather unkind ways. Trying to hold up a front to the whole world is difficult. I know it was particularly painful to have someone recognize those traits in me and call them for what they were. I hated it because I was trying to hard to be something else, but I couldn't hide from everyone and, when confronted like that, I couldn't hide from myself anymore either. Many times it wasn't just some kind of statement, but that people attempted and often succeeded in exploiting my submissive tendancies. It made me angry at them, at the whole world sometimes, that I was so "weak", such a "pushover", and all those other negative lenses that our society tends to view submissiveness through. I truly hated being that which was considered so much less than in many people's eyes. I hated getting used and abused just simply because people could. Finding someone and a life where those traits were honored, cherished, and nourished brought a whole new vitality, a breath of fresh air to my entire life right down to my core. There is no longer such a conflict I can be at peace. lovingpet

Reform -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:34:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OttersSwim quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet ... I think it is more that some people help us want to be more than what we currently are. Some people just inspire our best. ... Hugs da otter! I think this can be very true. For me, I feel as if I am a better person not only because I am with my Lady, but that our D/s dynamic has directly affected my attitudes and behavior in a positive and -changing- way. Over the past year, I feel as if I have been -more- than just the sum of all my parts. Stepping into a submissive place has been a major factor in that part of me that I see improved. I want to keep that going... Hugs da lp back! [:)] Finding that person who inspires our best can be difficult. Or, you can encounter someone who brings out your not-best. I didn't even realize how far I had fallen until I got my boy. But now he's my stepping stool to my top-shelf-self. [:)]

lucylucy -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:34:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella getting throat fucked makes your tits bigger. Really? Thanks for the tip!

lucylucy -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:40:19 AM)
I don’t think it’s the D/s relationship, per se, that brings out the best in me, but I do think that the fact that I’m the particular submissive person I am in a relationship with the particular dominant man I’m in a relationship with brings out the best in me. One thing that helps me be on my best behavior in this relationship is that there are instant direct consequences for my bratty behavior. If I whine, he lets me know immediately that whining isn’t tolerated. Sometimes I don’t even realize I was whining. quote: ORIGINAL: lovingpet Some people just inspire our best. I know I cannot imagine giving or being anything but my absolute best for my partner. I don't think he could imagine being anything less than his absolute best for me. I think it is a level of intimacy and also a level of expectation and responsibility that lead to this. I also agree with lovingpet about the levels of intimacy, expectation, and responsibility playing a big role, and I think intimacy, expectation, and responsibility should be in ANY relationship, D/s or other. In my own life, it hasn’t happened that way—only my D/s relationship has had the levels of intimacy, expectation, and responsibility that bring out my best. But I think that’s a reflection of how flawed my previous relationships were. Yes, they were all vanilla, and they couldn’t have been anything else given the people involved.

mnottertail -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:40:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lucylucy quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella getting throat fucked makes your tits bigger. Really? Thanks for the tip! general comment: so does rubbing toilet paper on them, look what it has done for your asses, girls. Ron

Elisabella -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:43:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OttersSwim quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella -FR- Yes. Being a dom or a sub makes you a better person than those flawed vanilla folk whose relationships are destined to fail. ... I never made such an assertion. Think longer thoughts. Well you're asking if being submissive or dominant makes you a better person. That it's some sort of personality booster that makes you stay on best behaviour longer in a relationship. Best behaviour either fades, or becomes normal behaviour. But I'm not entirely sure it's a question of best behaviour. I think there's 'single behaviour' and 'relationship behaviour' and that it's quite possible that identifying so strongly with a relationship dynamic ("I am a submissive" is an identity statement. Nobody says "I am a girlfriend" in the sense that it is a defining aspect) helps put someone more easily in relationship mode. Relationship mode is more than just not eating the last ice cream when you've eaten the other 3 in the box. It's seeing yourself as part of something, as more than just yourself. When you identify as 'dominant' or 'submissive' you're basically giving yourself a label that's pretty useless without the other half to play it off of. That doesn't make a 'better person' because the exact same inclinations are what drive people to codependency and jumping into relationships headfirst. And it's not something that's unique to BDSM, but rather a certain state of mind that sees the relationship as a strong if not the strongest aspect of one's identity.

Amaros -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:50:29 AM)
In some ways it does, in other ways, not so much maybe, there is no "lifestyle" that axiomatically optimizes your self, there are only lifestyles where you can be yourself. I do think D/s overall probably tends to decreases stress: a couple of recent studies indicate this, and one reason that this might be, IMO, is simply that we labor under so many layers of social expectations, often conflicting; familial, political, professional, etc.that most of the time we are simply acting the way others expect us to act for fear of being accused of some sort of betrayal. Working out some dynamic in your personal life that you can just slip into without having to second guess or calculate the social effects of every little word you say or thought that pops into your head can be very stress relieving, even if not every tiny aspect of it is optimal for you.

Amaros -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:52:19 AM)
In another sense, this isn't the "real you" either - it's the you in this relationship - if you like this you better, then maybe you're on to something.

Elisabella -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:58:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Amaros In another sense, this isn't the "real you" either - it's the you in this relationship - if you like this you better, then maybe you're on to something. IAWTC

leadership527 -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 10:59:21 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Amaros In another sense, this isn't the "real you" either - it's the you in this relationship - if you like this you better, then maybe you're on to something. QFT

lucylucy -> RE: Being the Person We Aspire to Be (10/10/2009 11:01:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail quote: ORIGINAL: lucylucy quote: ORIGINAL: Elisabella getting throat fucked makes your tits bigger. Really? Thanks for the tip! general comment: so does rubbing toilet paper on them, look what it has done for your asses, girls. Ron OMG, I can't believe I hadn't made the connection!

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