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It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 1:58:19 PM   
StoneFox


Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I find myself in a poly situation with both a mate and my out-of-town switchy companion. He tends to be skittish of words like 'love' and classifying exactly what we are...although he recently slipped up and called himself my "lover", lol.

Now, this guy isn't a commitmentphobe and I'm not even asking for much in the way of commitment. It's just very clear to ME that this has turned into a relationship (as untraditional of one as it is) and he seems afraid of that. Though not sooo afraid that we don't behave like a couple when we're out. I'm personally not afraid. I' going with the flow. But conversations about stuff like this are the type of thing that would scare him off and I'd rather just let what we have be a while longer.

I'm curious if anyone else ever encounters this scenario...you get tangled up with someone and you're "together" for all intents and purposes but when it comes to sticking a name on it, the other person is gun shy. Just need a little support from shared experiences right now :)
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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 2:16:42 PM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		giving it a name....makes it official..and that means responsibilities...not every one likes that.
Some like a relation..and also want to be free of anything at the same time.

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 2:25:01 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		You have c-mail!

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 2:28:45 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

when it comes to sticking a name on it, the other person is gun shy


Are you projecting your perception on the other person? I've been in this type of situation, where I tend to think of the "you" as a hijacker. Going with the flow can mean many things, and not necessarily going with your flow.. I tend to think that sticking a name on something is not going with the flow, but influencing it.

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 3:07:15 PM   
DemonKia


Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline 		FR, after read thru

Yep. Absolutely. Been there, done that.

I like talking about 'the relationship' & so it rarely lasts for me to end up entangled with those who don't . . . . .

& weirdly enough, usually, they're the ones that get bent & hurt about the cessation of the intangible & unspoken union being ended . . . . .

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 5:29:57 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		In my book, what I see is an intimate friendship, no more and no less until both parties agree and actually vocalise the "thingie" as a relationship (which means commitments), how can it be anything more than a friendship with intimate perks?

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 5:45:58 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox

I'm curious if anyone else ever encounters this scenario...you get tangled up with someone and you're "together" for all intents and purposes but when it comes to sticking a name on it, the other person is gun shy. Just need a little support from shared experiences right now :)


no, my tangles are intentional and i don't believe in reading more into things. i'll ask the person point blank where things stand. it prevents me from conjuring ridiculous notions in my brain or having can you figure him out sessions with my friends. i just don't have time for that.

i have this zany thought. when a man wants to commit to you and wishes to make you aware of it he verbalizes that. i don't care if it seems like we're headed down the aisle. without a clear articulation of his desires and motives i'm not assuming squat. i believe that keeps you in the moment and not moments ahead instead. i also believe the woman should be willing to offer the same. it is fruitless to allow a person to think they have a chance at arriving some place you're unwilling to go with them. being honest saves time and a lot of headaches.

porcelaine


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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 7:20:50 PM   
oceanwyndsLoves


Posts: 44
Joined: 9/15/2009
Status: offline 		My ex Sir is commitment phobiac and never lied to me about it. We were in a friendship with BDSM priveleges? We were very close though, and i knew with me he went as far as it was possible without going into a relationship. For the last year, i had to learn to accept this as reality, which i didn't do to well. I was slowly weaning myself out of my hopes and wishes with him. We departed as friends, which was the best for us both. i need more then a friend in my life. It wasn't ever going to be him.  Strangely the morning that i decided to delete my account and vowed to be single, i openned a cmail. My usual behavior was to delete them, or read a couple then delete. This cmail just caught my attention, and now i am with Sir. What i learned from the past experience is to take a person by their word. Ex Sir was not going to change and if i loved him, it was wrong for me to try to change that.
blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to porcelaine)
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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 7:56:42 PM   
StoneFox


Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I think my main concern here (outside of my own feelings) is...what do I tell people when we meet?

"Uh, yeah, this is the dude I tie up and beat and then have hot sweaty sexy time with that gives me his submission and we shares our feelings" LOL

And I'm not talking just random people, I'm talking friends and family and colleagues. It just sounds stupid to say we're friends or 'special' friends when clearly we're more then that.

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 8:02:36 PM   
DemonKia


Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline 		Lover?

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 8:19:15 PM   
LilOralLana


Posts: 1
Joined: 7/10/2008
Status: offline 		Well, obviously it's a relationship, any relations between two people is. But it may not be THE relationship you hope it is. I like porcelaine's take on the subject. I also agree with DemonKia, lover is a splendid term, and one that most would not question or challenge.

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/11/2009 8:33:19 PM   
Passion8Kisser


Posts: 72
Joined: 10/5/2009
Status: offline 		Why not just say this is X and let people assume what they may about your relationship. I may introduce my mom "Hey, this is my mom" but I could just as easly say "Hey, this is Diana" there's no need to clarify that she is my mom.

Sooooo, don't put a name on it. Introduce your guy friend by his name only and let people think what they will about your relationship.

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 4:43:54 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		I'd go with lover too, especially since it is what you said he called himself, so it seems you can't go wrong with that one

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 4:55:48 AM   
purepleasure


Posts: 6941
Joined: 4/9/2004
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		If you really need to label him...

Hi, this is _____, he is my trainee.

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 5:28:22 AM   
oceanwyndsLoves


Posts: 44
Joined: 9/15/2009
Status: offline 		Hi StoneFox

How to introduce him to others was pretty easy for me, since i followed his wants. Hi, this is my companion friend, but in my age group that might go easier(58 here), plus being widow more acceptable. Even on Cm, i was openned in the fact we were friends and i was not own by him. Lover sounds like a good way as well, but why not just say this is the guy I am seeing?

blessings
oceanwynds

(in reply to StoneFox)
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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 7:02:23 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Is he comfortable with being "out" as poly? Even if he was comfortable saying "I love you," he might not want to be introduced as your "lover" to your colleagues. Has he just not said "I love you" yet, or has he outright said that he *doesn't* love you? To me, there's a pretty significant difference between the two.

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 10:29:21 AM   
Fnyunj


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/12/2009
Status: offline 		Well, in my experience, there are true poly people, and then there are people who are just terrified of intimacy, communication, honesty, or anything that might cause conflict.

If he's not willing to be open and honest, and if he's not strong enough to communicate his feelings, then we're talking about a person who is driven by shame and fear. Probably not even capable of the human emotion we call love; but possibly, very skillful at faking it. Tread very carefully. You deserve to have your relationship status clearly marked. You should demand a status, or let him walk. I can't even imagine trusting someone enough to do BDSM, if they can't trust me enough to clearly and honestly define the parameters of the relationship. (I've heard too many horror stories of people who let someone tie them up, who had not earned their trust - and never deserved it).

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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 12:46:22 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It is a relationship for you, in terms of the weight and investment you put into it.

It isn't for him which tells you how much investment he has in it.

Don't make anyone a priority who makes you an option is applicable here.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 12:50:20 PM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fnyunj

Well, in my experience, there are true poly people, and then there are people who are just terrified of intimacy, communication, honesty, or anything that might cause conflict.

If he's not willing to be open and honest, and if he's not strong enough to communicate his feelings, then we're talking about a person who is driven by shame and fear. Probably not even capable of the human emotion we call love; but possibly, very skillful at faking it. Tread very carefully. You deserve to have your relationship status clearly marked. You should demand a status, or let him walk. I can't even imagine trusting someone enough to do BDSM, if they can't trust me enough to clearly and honestly define the parameters of the relationship. (I've heard too many horror stories of people who let someone tie them up, who had not earned their trust - and never deserved it).


Most excellent post. I see you are new to the forum: welcome !!


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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 12:57:12 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox

I think my main concern here (outside of my own feelings) is...what do I tell people when we meet?

"Uh, yeah, this is the dude I tie up and beat and then have hot sweaty sexy time with that gives me his submission and we shares our feelings" LOL

And I'm not talking just random people, I'm talking friends and family and colleagues. It just sounds stupid to say we're friends or 'special' friends when clearly we're more then that.


At first, in a similar situation that I was in, I just said "Dad, these are "T" and "L" -- "T", "L", this is my dad, T***. I felt very little need to explain -- it was obvious that they were with me, and that we cared about one another, and I never really felt a compulsion to have to explain our relationship.

A little later on I got creative on behalf of someone in my life who is -very- uncomfortable with the traditional "love-relationship" words, but is even -more- uncomfortable without some kind of designation for our relationship... I used "this is my companion, 'S'". It worked for us, and nobody asked questions, everyone was civil, and we had a good time. Now it's important to understand that I've been involved with this person's life for over a -decade- and xhe -still- doesn't like to use the typical words to try to define what we have, so sometimes, going with the flow means just getting creative.

Dame Calla


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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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(in reply to StoneFox)
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