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RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 1:01:15 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


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quote:

You should demand a status, or let him walk. I can't even imagine trusting someone enough to do BDSM, if they can't trust me enough to clearly and honestly define the parameters of the relationship.


Wow, if I'd done that, I would have missed out on over a decade of several truly -wonderful-, as-yet-undefined-but-clearly-still-strong-and-healthy relationships. A relationship isn't in how we -define- it, but how we -live- it. If, after 14 years, someone I genuinely care about isn't comfortable being called a lover or mate or whatever... then that's fine. We've shared 14 years, and I don't need a -word- to tell me that, whatever our relationship is, it's working.

Dame Calla


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(in reply to Fnyunj)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 3:20:15 PM   
Lucienne


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quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox
And I'm not talking just random people, I'm talking friends and family and colleagues. It just sounds stupid to say we're friends or 'special' friends when clearly we're more then that.


Why does it sound stupid to introduce him as a friend? Maybe I'm unusually private, but I don't care to have the world up in my personal business. If it's clear that you're more than friends, then I expect people around you who care about you will respect that without having it labeled for them.

And I say this as someone who spent years with a man who had a strong aversion to relationship labels. All my friends considered him my boyfriend (despite my refusal to use the term) and all of his friends considered me, for lack of a better or more accurate term, simply his. All that based on behavior, not introductions.

And, frankly, if you're in a poly relationship, your friends and family may appreciate some ambiguity in labels in terms of accepting your relationships without having to consider all the intimate details.

Lastly, introducing someone as your "lover" reminds me of the SNL skit with Will Ferrel and Cheri Oteri sharing TMI in the hot tub. Maybe that's just me.



(in reply to StoneFox)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/12/2009 5:05:48 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Why not just say "This is John." Or, "this is my friend John." I don't think most people really care who slips between our legs, its not like we are Angelina and Brad.

(in reply to Lucienne)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/13/2009 5:08:03 AM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox

I find myself in a poly situation with both a mate and my out-of-town switchy companion. He tends to be skittish of words like 'love' and classifying exactly what we are...although he recently slipped up and called himself my "lover", lol.

Now, this guy isn't a commitmentphobe and I'm not even asking for much in the way of commitment. It's just very clear to ME that this has turned into a relationship (as untraditional of one as it is) and he seems afraid of that. Though not sooo afraid that we don't behave like a couple when we're out. I'm personally not afraid. I' going with the flow. But conversations about stuff like this are the type of thing that would scare him off and I'd rather just let what we have be a while longer.

I'm curious if anyone else ever encounters this scenario...you get tangled up with someone and you're "together" for all intents and purposes but when it comes to sticking a name on it, the other person is gun shy. Just need a little support from shared experiences right now :)


When you introduce him. you simply say this is (insert name) What makes you think you must explain what he is to you? Relationships are private are no ones business other than to the people who are involved in them. Unless you are willing to be honest with people and tell them that he is your part time submissive, you are going to lie to them, so it really does not matter what you refer to him as.

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(in reply to StoneFox)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/13/2009 8:09:30 AM   
xssve


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Joined: 10/10/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: daintydimples

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fnyunj

Well, in my experience, there are true poly people, and then there are people who are just terrified of intimacy, communication, honesty, or anything that might cause conflict.

If he's not willing to be open and honest, and if he's not strong enough to communicate his feelings, then we're talking about a person who is driven by shame and fear. Probably not even capable of the human emotion we call love; but possibly, very skillful at faking it. Tread very carefully. You deserve to have your relationship status clearly marked. You should demand a status, or let him walk. I can't even imagine trusting someone enough to do BDSM, if they can't trust me enough to clearly and honestly define the parameters of the relationship. (I've heard too many horror stories of people who let someone tie them up, who had not earned their trust - and never deserved it).


Most excellent post. I see you are new to the forum: welcome !!

I would tend to disagree in this instance; this holds true if you must have things clearly defined, or if you're in a poly household where some sort of order needs to be maintained and people need to know what the expectations are. If that isn't the situation, then I tend to agree with Porcelaine.

In this case, it seems poly is being used euphemistically to describe "dating others", which is more akin to social monogamy. Still Poly, but more broadly defined than it's typically used in D/s to describe Poly households.

I do like to know where I stand, but if it's just "a thing", then I'm not going to make any emotional investment, and those with whom I do have a defined relationship are going to take precedence, i.e., you're not going to get my full and undivided attention, and if anything more serious comes along, then you're gonna have to take back seat 'cause that's how it works.

Otherwise, "not sure" is as good an answer as any. I believe people are entitled to have mixed feelings about things, it's entirely up to me whether I have time for you or not on that basis. I just want to know so that I don't end up making assumptions.

Fact is some people do just like to drift around and try different things, many of them worth knowing, and I have no problem with that on a philosophical level, you can't make a square peg fit a round hole.

I'm far more irritated by people who want to define something, then as soon as they do, start changing their minds, or decide that isn't what they really wanted - that's just playing games. I prefer you do try different things until you do know what you really want.

In other words, don't say it unless you mean it.

< Message edited by xssve -- 10/13/2009 8:14:19 AM >

(in reply to daintydimples)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/13/2009 8:22:20 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Fnyunj
I can't even imagine trusting someone enough to do BDSM, if they can't trust me enough to clearly and honestly define the parameters of the relationship. (I've heard too many horror stories of people who let someone tie them up, who had not earned their trust - and never deserved it).

I've done some casual BDSM play, and currently have a female submissive playpartner who I'm not involved with romantically. I *do* want to know where I stand though, and what the person is offering in terms of commitment/etc.

(in reply to Fnyunj)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/14/2009 6:02:54 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		Names and labels are limitations. Remain open to infinite possibilities by being present in the moment.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/14/2009 7:47:51 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Aldompdx, I don't want infinite possibilities - I wouldn't have time for them anyway.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 10/14/2009 7:49:20 AM >

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/14/2009 8:33:34 AM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		I'd go with "the lucky sumbitch that hardbodysub is insanely jealous of".

(in reply to StoneFox)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/14/2009 12:39:27 PM   
StoneFox


Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		LOL. Cute, hardbodysub ;)

In truth, I think we're both sort of lucky. I'd had my eye on him for months and then things sort of came together in a hurry. And on Sunday I go up and spend a week with him! Part of me wishes I could pack him in a dog crate and put him on the plane to take with me when I move overseas soon.

Maybe this is one of those instances where we're two people with completely different approaches to handling our emotions. I'm a deep and intense sort of person and he tends to be somewhat freedom-oriented and flighty. I chalk it up to the Scorpio/Aquarius mix, lol.  On further examination though of my feelings and this thread, it is possible that I've allowed myself to feel like his hestitance to define what we are = lack of caring. But then his actions show otherwise so it's all a little bit of a headfuck. Ahhh well.

Thank you all so much for your input, btw.

(in reply to hardbodysub)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/14/2009 12:53:53 PM   
MissOllaria


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/18/2009
Status: offline 		How does he introduce you?

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/15/2009 2:03:34 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite
Aldompdx, I don't want infinite possibilities - I wouldn't have time for them anyway.



Good for your self awareness.

Also be aware that I was speaking to the original poster, not you.

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/15/2009 2:15:45 AM   
Arrogance


Posts: 185
Joined: 7/29/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox

LOL. Cute, hardbodysub ;)

In truth, I think we're both sort of lucky. I'd had my eye on him for months and then things sort of came together in a hurry. And on Sunday I go up and spend a week with him! Part of me wishes I could pack him in a dog crate and put him on the plane to take with me when I move overseas soon.

Maybe this is one of those instances where we're two people with completely different approaches to handling our emotions. I'm a deep and intense sort of person and he tends to be somewhat freedom-oriented and flighty. I chalk it up to the Scorpio/Aquarius mix, lol.  On further examination though of my feelings and this thread, it is possible that I've allowed myself to feel like his hestitance to define what we are = lack of caring. But then his actions show otherwise so it's all a little bit of a headfuck. Ahhh well.

Thank you all so much for your input, btw.


Maybe his apprehension has something to do with the fact that you're moving overseas and your relationship will be changing significantly at that point.

(in reply to StoneFox)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/15/2009 3:01:27 AM   
Santoro


Posts: 58
Joined: 9/16/2009
Status: offline 		“Being present in the moment.”
Astoundingly profound in its implication.

(in reply to aldompdx)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: It's a relationship, deal with it - 10/15/2009 9:36:01 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		OP, you leaving the country changes things. He's trying hard not to have any emotional involvement because if he does, he'll be hurt when you go. So right now all he is willing to be is a friend with benefits. Respect that and his need to protect himself.

Another one here who doesn't want infinite possibilities which change every minute. I'm in a long term relationship, not something that I can't count on being here tomorrow barring death and taxes.

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(in reply to Santoro)
Profile   Post #: 35
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