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Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 6:34:18 AM   
MsNichole


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I notice various stuff on the board about the problems with married submissives, but surely at least some of the dommes on this board are married too?

If you're a domina, and you're married, do you tell your subs up front? Or once you've had the first couple of meetings and maybe a play time out of the way? I wear my rings all the time, and usually tell the sub I'm seeing during our first or second meeting. I also stress that although I'm looking for a long term relationship, I'm obviously not in the market of looking for a slave to replace my husband.

How do most of you deal with it? Do you keep it secret?

Ms Nichole.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 6:38:51 AM   
Isara


Posts: 87
Joined: 2/4/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		While I'm not married, Lady Neets, Iron Bear and I are always quick to explain our situation to any prospective subs for either Neets or I. It saves on hurt feelings, and lets them know where everyone stands. Also, it allows them to think things over, so they know what they're getting into.

Welcome to the boards by the way

_____________________________

"I can't -- not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see, Aunty... Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty -- hee hee!...and sometimes I just like to sing little songs, like: "See the little goblin, see his little-- " Edmond Blackadder

(in reply to MsNichole)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 6:45:06 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline 		I have since separated, but when I started to explore my Domme side, I was married. Granted, my interactions were online only, but I was still upfront about my marital situation and always had "married" designated on my online profiles. I believe in being honest about that sort of thing in the first interaction so that everyone is aware of the situation before going further.

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to MsNichole)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 7:13:40 AM   
Mistressx1334


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		I am not married, but were I, and we wished to bring another slave into play...I'd be very upfront. Honesty is key.


- Mistress X.

P.S. Stunning avatar, Ms. Nichole!

(in reply to MsNichole)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 7:18:13 AM   
fergus


Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyJulieAnn

I have since separated, but when I started to explore my Domme side, I was married. Granted, my interactions were online only, but I was still upfront about my marital situation and always had "married" designated on my online profiles. I believe in being honest about that sort of thing in the first interaction so that everyone is aware of the situation before going further.

Be well,
Julie

I'm sorry about your seperation.

Congrats on your seperation.

(I find both sentiments usually apply ;) )

fergus


(in reply to LadyJulieAnn)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 7:26:21 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		You switches can never make up your minds....

(in reply to fergus)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 7:38:38 AM   
BeeQueen


Posts: 73
Joined: 9/29/2005
Status: offline 		i can only try to simplify the idea of bdsm and relations in order to explain my view on it (in reality its a bit more complicated but in order to discuss things its easier to break the complexity down a bit)

all forms of bdsm are ment to satisfy one or the other need, the involve a high dynamic set of (individual) rules and are always a form of relation to someone else.

all forms of classical engagment and marriage are a relation too

if you have a classical relation and want a bdsm relation at the side than u have a poly relationship
if u hide that fact, or lie about it in order to get an additional than its unethical.
if u meet someone in order to fulfil one or the other desire (weather mental or sexual or emotional) you should not hold back the fact that it will bee a poly, infact u should make it explicit.

now when it comes to dom/mes and master/mistress they often claim the right to have more than one relation while they expect the subs to have only one focus of attention. if that fact is cleared right from start, and all involved agree to it, it might bee ok for everyone.
even tho i think that some submissives take it as task they have to accept in order to get a chance to meet a dominant.

bee sincere if u cant accept the fact that it is a poly, that will spare a lot of discussions and bad feelings to everyone

im not married an do not have any regular relationship outside of bdsm but i had a cpl of polyrelations where the subs with each other had close relation too, and i always make sure the subs meet and like each other before i take the additinal under my wing. if they dont get alone, i dont force it through.

it is important for the working of a polyrealtion that everyone feels comfy and fine with it. if anyone cant feel secure in the poly than its better to not go there.

my 2 cents
Bee


_____________________________

All men are animals, just some make better pets. (note the sarcasm) personal free 3d-chat under http://members.chello.at/beequeen/

(in reply to MsNichole)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 7:59:42 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

You switches can never make up your minds....



ROTFL, priceless!

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to cloudboy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 8:04:05 AM   
Isara


Posts: 87
Joined: 2/4/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MHOO314


quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

You switches can never make up your minds....



ROTFL, priceless!


Sure they can...wait...No, they can

_____________________________

"I can't -- not just like that. I'm a complicated person, you see, Aunty... Sometimes I'm nice, and sometimes I'm nasty -- hee hee!...and sometimes I just like to sing little songs, like: "See the little goblin, see his little-- " Edmond Blackadder

(in reply to MHOO314)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 9:04:10 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsNichole

I notice various stuff on the board about the problems with married submissives, but surely at least some of the dommes on this board are married too?

If you're a domina, and you're married, do you tell your subs up front? Or once you've had the first couple of meetings and maybe a play time out of the way? I wear my rings all the time, and usually tell the sub I'm seeing during our first or second meeting. I also stress that although I'm looking for a long term relationship, I'm obviously not in the market of looking for a slave to replace my husband.

How do most of you deal with it? Do you keep it secret?

Ms Nichole.




I would quite the hypocrite if I insisted on honesty from my sub but didn't give it in return.

I am 100% upfront about being married, being poly, and about currently having a slave of over 6 years. I'm very upfront about a lot of stuff because I don't want to waste my time or energy on someone who wants to be monogamous or who has a moral/ethical code against being with someone all ready partnered. That would be unfair to talk to someone and then spring on them the fact you have partner(s).

Part of my getting to know someone is introducing them to Tom (husband) and Fox (slave) and my men give me feedback on the person they met and experience has taught me to consider their feedback very highly. Yes, this shrinks the pool of potentials cause now its just just two people who have to connect but two more they have to connect with at some level and in a positive way.

I'd say that you need to say what you've put in this OP in your profile (if it isn't all ready) -- married and now also looking for a long-term Ds (whatever term you want) relationship. At that point you've been honest. Now some folks will read into what you've written and think they can replace your husband or partner(s) but that's them not you and hopefully they'll reveal what they want sooner than later if you start talking to them.


_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MsNichole)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 9:06:17 AM   
LadyJulieAnn


Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fergus


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyJulieAnn

I have since separated, but when I started to explore my Domme side, I was married. Granted, my interactions were online only, but I was still upfront about my marital situation and always had "married" designated on my online profiles. I believe in being honest about that sort of thing in the first interaction so that everyone is aware of the situation before going further.

Be well,
Julie

I'm sorry about your seperation.

Congrats on your seperation.

(I find both sentiments usually apply ;) )

fergus






Thanks! (My divorce is almost final at this point.)

Be well,
Julie

(in reply to fergus)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 9:14:57 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		Seeing that the current laws will not allow my partner & I to be married, our partnership is as close to marriage as we can get.

As to informing others... I make it clear in my profile that I have a partner. I ask for anyone who replies to my profile to indicate the fact that they have read my profile which includes the information about my having a partner as well as other things I feel a person should know UPFRONT. If they fail to indicate to me in the manner i have described... I do not reply. If I meet someone in person well I have this nice big shiny rock on my ring finger along with the matching band to signal that I have a union with another. I would also mention that I have a partner & most times she would be with me during social engagements. She also wears the same ring set on her finger.

I practice my way of life on many principles. Some of those principles are truth/honesty, accountability, responsibility & integrity. I make every effort to be as open & as informative about myself as I can be.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 3/5/2006 9:18:47 AM >

_____________________________

MstrssPassion


(in reply to MsNichole)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 10:01:17 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		I'm with MstrssPassion - current laws would not allow Holly and I go be married (still don't, but whatever) but we've been engaged for 6 years now, and have been living together for over 5 years. As far as we, personally, are concerned, we are married.

And during our search, we were very upfront about it. We felt that not only was it dishonest to keep that from someone, it was incredibly unfair to them to think they were getting something that they weren't. Sometimes that hindered our search, as boys decided that they couldn't handle more than one Domme, or wanted to be an only boy for us despite us being quite clear that there would eventually be at least two, or we inadvertantly attracted those who were only interested in us because there were two of us and we're bi instead of because we are Domme and they are submissive. Overall, though, I wouldn't change much of how we did our search. No matter how many boys decided that they couldn't handle poly ... it was always their choice, and we never hid anything from them to try and keep them.

It all comes back to the creed of Safe, Sane and Consensual. If you are hiding information from someone, how is it truly consensual? We feel that consent has to be obtained from all people involved - and that includes significant others who aren't directly involved. So if we talk to a submissive that is attached to someone who isn't interested in the lifestyle - we still have to know that their significant other is ok with them going elsewhere for their kink, otherwise, that takes away the consensual aspect from their partner - and we won't be a part of that. And from the other side, how is it truly consensual for a submissive to enter into a relationship where they are not their Dominant's only partner if they don't know that they aren't their Dominant's only partner? It requires knowledge to gain informed consent - non-informed consent is legally coersion (sp?). It also requires honesty to build trust, and trust is essential to any relationship of any flavor.

(in reply to MstrssPassion)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 10:10:34 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		Something tells me that most male subs would have fewer objections against a married domme than female subs have against a married dom.

(in reply to MsNichole)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 1:10:35 PM   
SweetTop


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline 		I am in a vanilla marriage and I do tell potential subs upfront that I am married, usually in my first correspondence with them. Like thetammyjo said, I don't want to waste my time or their time if it is not going to work in the long run.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 1:32:14 PM   
SimplyV


Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsNichole

How do most of you deal with it? Do you keep it secret?


I learned long ago that I do not do secrets well. I'm always getting caught. Everyone in my life knows about any and everyone else in my life. They may not always know the exact nature of the relationship.. aka I do not tell my parents that my subs are my subs.. to my parents they are merely friends of mine. But they do know that those people are in my life on a daily basis.

As someone else said.. If I expect total honesty from my subs, then I must give that as well.. and I do. Sometimes to the point of more than they wanted to know

V

(in reply to MsNichole)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 1:56:50 PM   
valeca


Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline 		SweetDommes and Passion--come to Canada and git hitched if you're looking in that direction. ;)

As for the OP, I've been on all three sides of the 'married with other partners"--jilted wife, married but 'dating' and the being the 'other woman'. Out of all three, the only time it worked was when there was honesty and the married fact was stated upfront. But, I can only speak from personal experience...

The idea amongst general society is that being married means 'only one forever', but if you're honest with people, you'll eventually find that there are those who don't hold to that particular idea, and perhaps even find yourself a partner who is looking for the same type of relationship you're able to offer.

Even if people don't agree, you'll find more peer respect for being honest, and maybe even for being one who knows what she's looking for.

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to SimplyV)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 2:12:47 PM   
MzShauna


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/5/2006
Status: offline 		Hi ,

I think absoulete honesty is the order of the Day ........fail to see how you can do it any other way .....* smile *

(in reply to MsNichole)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 2:49:30 PM   
Smythe


Posts: 369
Joined: 12/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsNichole

I notice various stuff on the board about the problems with married submissives, but surely at least some of the dommes on this board are married too?

If you're a domina, and you're married, do you tell your subs up front? Or once you've had the first couple of meetings and maybe a play time out of the way? I wear my rings all the time, and usually tell the sub I'm seeing during our first or second meeting. I also stress that although I'm looking for a long term relationship, I'm obviously not in the market of looking for a slave to replace my husband.

How do most of you deal with it? Do you keep it secret?

Ms Nichole.





I am married and not to my boy. Before my husband and I opened things up to allow others in, we talked and talked. And our first experiments with being involved with others were baby steps. We had to prove to each other that we could include others and not hurt the relationship or each other. It's hard work and is not for everyone. Those involved must absolutely know what their priorities are.

However, we both felt that one other person could never be Everything Forever, and the inclusion of others in our lives has been exciting and fulfilling. I totally feel as though all the hard work was worth it.

Smythe






_____________________________

Do not consider painful what is good for you.
Euripides

(in reply to MsNichole)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Married Dommes - 3/5/2006 3:05:39 PM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: valeca

SweetDommes and Passion--come to Canada and git hitched if you're looking in that direction. ;)



Unfortunately, that isn't really an option for us due to jobs and liscensure and such ... plus there is the fact that it's difficult to be allowed to live there, and no matter where we are married and what the legality of it is there, the US still wouldn't recognize it.

And at this point, we've reconciled ourselves to it, and we're planning to marry our boys.

(in reply to valeca)
Profile   Post #: 20
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