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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 9:01:14 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

So would be the comparison to the poly board here to the practice of polygamy. I believe the word you are looking for is polyamorous.

What, precisely, is the difference between polygamy and polyamorous couples who consider themselves to be in a lifelong commitment, in nations that have anti-bigamy laws?

I'm very glad that you asked.

Polygamy is specifically where a person has more than one spouse at the same time. Polyamory is the practice of having more than one loving relationship at a time. While they may seem to be the same, they are not.

Some of us who participate in polyamory do not view our primary and secondary relationships as being equal, such as the term polygamy implies. My dynamic with My sub doesn't hold the same connotations as My relationship with My husband. To imply that it does, or to call My sub My 'second husband' in some way is completely inaccurate. There is absolutely one that is more important than the other.

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 10:42:02 AM

DavanKael

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Haven't read the thread in its entirety.
NZ, generally, I agree with your core assertion of : under consideration is bunk.
Here's why:
1)Either you're in a relationship or not
2)I don't delineate between standard partnered relationship and those inlving power dynamics. If someone and I are together, we're together. Granted, there may be different levels of commitment but the actual being together or not is as polar as that, there's no half together
3)I think that this may be one of those really flawed terms that acknowlges that sometimes there are steps to being in a relationship but the siltedness of 'under consideration' rings false. I mean, in vanilla parlance, there are often progressions to a relationship dating, committed, engaged, married (Not that this is true of everyone, just aknowledging a common progression for many. The closest I could see under consideration as applying would be dating without a commitment/exclusivity. 'Course, depending one relationship, power dynamics could grow across time from a gradation in to, after a fundation is established, more of a total power exchange (Or it may not ever go to this pont depending on folks' desires, etc.).
Davan

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Post #: 62

RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 11:48:10 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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Which makes me think...I wonder how many instances there have been of an s-type being "under consideration" and then they had someone approach them who they viewed as greater or more attractive in the 'complete package' sense than the person they were "under consideration" to and ended up dropping the status themselves.

We've had this happen a number of times with people who have initiated discussion with an interest in our household (and some we've initiated the conversation with, as well). See, it's very hard to explain what we are, and just how... detailed and yet bendy-stretchy things can get around our house. It's hard to fathom whether you'll fit into not only the authority dynamic, but the esoterics, the collectivism, and the rather chaotic fluidity of what we are and how we operate, while still being caught in the firm mesh of protocol that we shape our existence with. For some folks, what we are sounds -really- intense and dramatic and they come because their friend either is or was with us, and learned a lot, and loves it, or because they are curious, or any number of reasons. They ask us to put them under consideration for a long-term place in our household, and... well... I made it sound like it wasn't common, but, really, about 80+ percent of the people who get immersed with us find that the tub is just WAY too bubbly for their tastes. They walk away -- sometimes with a polite "not for me", and other times just running and screaming for the door (yes, some of those spend months afterward telling anyone who will listen what a horror-show we are... oh well.).

More than a few times, we've had someone who came to us, really wasn't a very good fit, but hung with us long enough to take advantage of us being out in the community to find a situation that suited them much better. For the folks who are honest about this, we have no problem with them hanging around until they find the right place for them -- for the ones who disrupt the house, I guess it becomes a race whether they find a better situation before they find themselves parked on the curb with their suitcases. *shrugs*

In any case, it happens, at least, it has to us... and I still wouldn't consider that sufficient reason for me to call the process of "under consideration" to be bunk. But that's just me.

Dame Calla

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 11:55:38 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

What, precisely, is the difference between polygamy and polyamorous couples who consider themselves to be in a lifelong commitment, in nations that have anti-bigamy laws?

Polygamy is a specific sub-set of polyamory. It defines relationships with one male and multiple females. To be defined -legally- it requires that all the females be married to the man in question. Relationships where there is a single female and multiple males are called polyandry, and it is much less common.

Polyamory is an open-ended term that does not require any legal marriage among any of the individuals, and which has no implications about which (or whether any) gender predominates. Polyamory is not a -legal- state. It is a relational state where multiple committed relationships exist at the same time. Individuals who are monogamous with one partner, but where that partner has additional relationships are considered poly as well, despite the fact that, by choice, -they- are monogamous with the one partner.

Hope this clarifies.
Dame Calla

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 1:50:51 PM

Lockit

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Because something CAN be bunk, doesn't mean that it IS.

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 2:12:44 PM

beltainefaerie

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My best friend was sort of under consideration with her Daddy, but by the time they were going to go the whole consideration collar route, they discovered that their relationship was working out just fine and there wasn't any more "considering" to be done. That is really my only experience with such things. I figure that in all that we do, it will work for some people and annoy the crap out of others.

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 2:22:43 PM

DesFIP

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I can see a value in the term. Most people here date multiple people casually while they are looking for someone who does it for them. Some of us aren't comfortable dating more than one at a time even in a very casual way. For those of us who prefer to focus on one person at a time, under consideration means that right now I'm not available. But it gives no guarantees that in two weeks we won't be.

Because the truth is, if you say you're having a first date with somebody on Saturday and don't want to date anyone else until you know whether or not it's worth exploring more or not, other people frequently hassle you about it. "You haven't even met him, of course you should date this other guy too". For those of us who get tired of being hassled because we don't operate like everyone else, this term can be really useful. It doesn't imply anything except that "right this minute, I'm not available so stop bugging me". And it works which is the important part.

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 2:30:39 PM

SailingBum

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Tho Ive only been engaged once and have not taken anyone under consideration. I tend to look at it like being engaged you can still backout before you get married. Course Im a firm believer in why get married. There is some truth in getting older and perhaps a tad wiser.

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 2:36:44 PM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I can see a value in the term. Most people here date multiple people casually while they are looking for someone who does it for them. Some of us aren't comfortable dating more than one at a time even in a very casual way. For those of us who prefer to focus on one person at a time, under consideration means that right now I'm not available. But it gives no guarantees that in two weeks we won't be.

i consider my conversations just that, nothing more or less. i've made no commitment either way. if the topic of consideration arises and i agree to such, it is a visible demonstration of my desire to become better acquainted with this person and an invitation for the possibility of having more. knowing this makes it very difficult to speak with other people because in truth i prefer him. that is where my attention would be directed, not elsewhere.

porcelaine

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 3:17:34 PM

DesFIP

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My point was that by saying I'm under consideration, other guys got off my back. Whereas when I said I'm talking to someone, they didn't. The term lessened annoying email and was a useful thing to stick on a profile or a signature line for just that reason. It didn't change how I felt, just how other people reacted.

Not that anything except a two by four will get through to some people.

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 3:34:15 PM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Not that anything except a two by four will get through to some people.

i understood what you were conveying. and yes, truer words were never uttered.

porcelaine

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/16/2009 3:47:54 PM

Musicmystery

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Fortunately, it's those other people who are unreasonable--we are clearly the sane ones...

Anyway,

OP---I respect the term and those who use it and their reasons, but I've never had any use for it. For me, it has a pretentious, onlinism ring I find distasteful and pointless. Or maybe high schoolish....like going steady. What would be up with "I'm thinking about collaring you....sit there and wait around while I mull it over"? At its worst, it's jerking someone around. Sure, a slave's a slave, but I see no reason to play with people's emotions. If you're gonna collar her, do it. If not, or if unsure, own up to it.

< Message edited by Musicmystery -- 10/16/2009 3:48:55 PM >

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/17/2009 6:04:14 AM

DesFIP

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But it isn't always one way, the dom still playing the field while the sub waits around. When I signed on this morning the profile that popped up was a dom and the top line was something on the order of he has someone under consideration so he isn't talking to anyone else.

Too many people do see it as an excuse to act badly, but those people would use other excuses also. And as I said, as long as other guys stopped hassling me, I didn't much care what they thought about the term. It worked which is all that mattered to me.

I don't get much really irritating mail here, but years ago on b.com it got to a point I was damn near afraid to open my email folder.

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RE: "Under consideration" - 10/17/2009 9:23:48 AM

girlsomeday

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I have been in a "collar of consideration" personally. At the time of this collar I didn't think to question it because while I have been trying to find my place in this lifestyle (I am not sure I have yet..), I had not really been involved in the "formal" aspect of it and it seemed a normal part of this particular relationship. It was how I felt in it that became my education.

At first I was excited. We met, found there was a lot in common, I adored the first submissive and still do. Discussions moved toward this first collar and I wrote my letter of commitment and once it was accepted a date was set for my consideration collaring ceremony with the three of us. This took about three or four months. All seemed very good to this point.

In this collar I felt put on hold. I got a lot of "once you are in my full collar...." statements and I will admit to some resentment feeling that if I was already this persons property the full collar was a formality not the deciding factor in the relationship we had built thus far. It is not that I didn't believe or that the some days were not meant because I am sure the Dominant meant them but after a while it seemed rather rote and if I was this persons sub, wasn't I? It seemed that once I was labeled "considered" that was where I was put. I had felt more part of the relationship before the consideration collar. I feel the way Anna posted earlier in this string. If it is there it should naturally happen between two people. I am not saying I don't believe in the formalities, I do but I do think "consideration" is rather one sided. A month into this collar I was released, the Dominant was feeling overwhelmed.... The end result was the same as had it been a full collar, I was hurt, angry and frustrated and left feeling rather led on by all the "someday we will do this...".

Later, I tried again with this same Dominant to the same conclusion, I adore them both but it was not meant to be and in the future I will avoid any terms of consideration that does little but take me off the market with no commitment on the other side.

I have no ill will toward this past relationship but I did want to share my perception since I have had this experience offline. I was very proud in that collar and very proud be be a submissive to this Dominant but did find through experience that labeling is not always a positive thing when nature can just as easily take its course to that collaring ceremony.

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