the movement from vanilla to D/s (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive



Message

homedespot -> the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 11:01:11 AM)

First of all please don't let this degenerate into an argument about what a slave is. It is my question so lets, for the time being, use my definition which can be found here:

http://www.steel-door.com/Submissive_vs_Slave.html

Here is the question.

I'm interested in the experience that people have had in moving from a vanilla relationship to a dominant/slave relationship (on either side).

When I started out with jssubc 6 years ago I was very much in love with him...and I didn't see him as a slave. Today we have moved much deeper into our selves and we are much happier and more satisfied...but I am no longer in love with him. As I have fallen out of love with him our relationship has transformed and I have distanced myself from in in a romantic way. This has brought us much closer in a non-romantic way. I'm curious if I am unique in this or if others have experienced this distancing. Further I'm curious how this plays out in others daily life. For example I no longer share some personal information with him, while he continues to share all his thoughts and feelings with me. Is this true for others who have had this experience?

I know some will read this and tell me that either I'm evil or he's stupid, and that's fine. We are comfortable where we are, and I'm perfectly aware that I am an outlier in my requirements. Never-the-less I'm curious to hear about others long term experiences that move from more traditional relationships to more strict or severe ones.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 11:14:54 AM)

Re: your linked definition of slave: I don't agree with it.

But you said you don't want this thread to be about that, so my question is:

Since you have "fallen out of love" with him, how would you say you feel about him now? How would you characterize your feelings about him?



NihilusZero -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 11:19:07 AM)

I don't see why what you've written would need to be viewed as very much different from a vanilla relationship that ends, but in which the exes still manage to remain good friends. The only difference in your situation is that the authority dynamic has remained and, as plenty here are able to testify, that portion of BDSM need not be a sexual one.

Humans are mutable creatures and changes are always potential obstacles to overcome, but I think some people are likely to be, in general, better fits for our lives in certain roles rather than others. I can't see why being able to follow that path to an end that keeps all parties self-aware and content should be worse than the old process of trying to hold on to something that is already slipping through your fingers.



NihilusZero -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 11:23:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

Re: your linked definition of slave: I don't agree with it.

Re: Re: I actually found it quite spot on.



homedespot -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 11:28:37 AM)

That is a good question, and a fair one, and thank you for not worrying about the definition of slave.

I would say that I love him but I am not romantically in love with him. I would say my feelings are hard to define. I can use analogies but they are inexact and imprecise. For example I can say I see him as an important possession a car or a dog, for which I have great affection but which I feel the relationship goes primarily one way. While I have to provide care (oil changes, food and walks), and I have to be responsible I don't have to reciprocate. Obviously these analogies are flawed. He is neither a machine nor a dog. I care for him very deeply and for his welfare but the romantic aspect is diminished. He is valuable property.



leadership527 -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 11:33:22 AM)

I got as far into that steel door article as "Not a volunteer" and stopped reading.. my consent and/or "lost in fantasy" triggers went haywire.

Carol and I had a different experience... As the D/s dynamic strengthened, so did the love affair. The love is not hampering the "strictness" in our relationship it is supporting and enhancing it. What it would hamper is any severity.

I don't understand why anyone would call you evil or him stupid because of this. Sure, it's not my cup o' tea but if everyone is above boards with things and there's a smile on all faces involved, then I personally thing it's a wonderful thing. I'm pro-happiness. In fact, as NZ said, I kind of respect your ability to adapt and morph the relationship to meet the needs of the moment. Flexibility and adaptability are good traits in humans. To quote Heinlein, specialization is for insects.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 11:34:04 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

Re: your linked definition of slave: I don't agree with it.

Re: Re: I actually found it quite spot on.



And that's why I love you. [sm=hearts.gif]


We are in agreement most of the time- but if we matched up perfectly, I'd hafta buy a plane ticket and go over there and grovel at your feet. So you just saved me a chunk of change.



NihilusZero -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 11:35:37 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

And that's why I love you. [sm=hearts.gif]


We are in agreement most of the time- but if we matched up perfectly, I'd hafta buy a plane ticket and go over there and grovel at your feet. So you just saved me a chunk of change.

*blush*

You win.

*sheepishly exits thread to regain composure*

[8D][:D]



dreamerdreaming -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 11:42:14 AM)

10 points.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 11:59:33 AM)

Returning you to your regularly sheduled thread:

OP, thank you for your answer. My next question is: why the title of the thread? Did you personally, or did the relationship, start out as vanilla? [8|] 



homedespot -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 12:23:33 PM)

Why the title?

Because I think that might be the most relevant experience and I wanted to catch people's attention who had moved from vanilla to D/s or "bedroom" bdsm to 24/7 D/s relationships. And because

"I was in a vanilla relationship and suppressed my dominant desires for many years and then, after leaving that relationship, I found someone who thought they were a slave (by above definition) but who wasn't but who has grown to be a slave (by above definition), just as I grew from inexperience and fantasy into being a Domme and that the relationship started off in what would have been the most traditional of play bdsm relationships (what I consider to be almost vanilla now) and transformed over many years into something else...etc."

seemed like sorta a long title.


J.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 12:48:21 PM)

Mmkay.

Then I agree with NZ's first post.


To clarify: you've lost the romance, but is there still a sexual component to the relationship, or is it platonic?



homedespot -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 1:14:37 PM)

I'm not sure what question you are trying to answer and I'm not sure what my sex life has to do with the answer to the original question.

I'm not struggling with my relationship. I'm not unhappy or uncomfortable. I am not looking for approval, a pat on the back or to hear that I'm "okay. I am what I am. I'm happy. He's happy. I am simply curious if other people have trod down this particular path and for those that have, and gone further than I have, what their experience is. I can learn from their experiences.

The single biggest determinant to how likely you are to be happy in the future, or what the future is likely to look like for you is to ask people who have done it already. In other words, if you want to know what the future looks like, ask people who have been there. I find it valuable to look at where people have gone ahead on the path that I'm going down. It helps you recognize problems you haven't thought of and deal with them in advance.

Let me give an example. Did you know that people who have a long commute and a big house are less likely to be happy then those who have a smaller house and shorter commute? So here you are trying to decide...do I buy that huge house in the suburbs with room for a dungeon and with the 42 min commute? Or do I buy the little house in town that I can walk to work from but without that basement? Most people say the big house...but if you ASK people in each place...you quickly find that the long commute which seems so easy to talk about actually is terribly wearing after a little time goes by. Does it make you not buy the big house? Maybe, maybe not. But at least you have an idea of your future self...and you can deal with that.

Their current life is your possible future. It is a way to look into the future and made decisions, avoid problems, embrace benefits.

I'm simply curious about My future self. Something I can learn a little bit about by asking those who are living it.

If anyone wants the research to back up these assertions email me off list and I'll give you the list of books and articles. I refer to 4 in this.

J.



dreamerdreaming -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 1:31:15 PM)

I bought the big house with the long commute. The one before that: a small house, with a short commute.

Love 'em both.

I'm just trying to get a better picture of your relationship, so that I might address your original question. I think both your slave's and your motivations are important. Not just what you do, but why.



DesFIP -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 5:59:12 PM)

Leadership moved from a vanilla marriage to a m/s relationship and he already answered your question. Off hand I can't think of a regular poster who has gone from a love relationship to a nonlove d/s relationship.



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 9:03:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: homedespot

I know some will read this and tell me that either I'm evil or he's stupid, and that's fine. We are comfortable where we are, and I'm perfectly aware that I am an outlier in my requirements. Never-the-less I'm curious to hear about others long term experiences that move from more traditional relationships to more strict or severe ones.



I don't think anyone will think that about either of you. I admit, for a lot of us it's difficult to get our minds around the dynamic shift you're describing, but if it works for the two of you, then that's the way it is.

I'm sorry I can't offer any real input on your question, because it's quite a ways outside my own realm of experience. I just want to say that I think you're doing  an absolutely excellent job of explaining it, and even though I don't quite "get it" on an experiential level, I think I completely understand what it is you're saying. I don't know where you could turn for better answers than you're getting here, but I wish you the best of luck in finding them.



mbes -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/17/2009 9:12:09 PM)

I'm very glad for the OP, because it's one of my greatest fears in "all this". However much I want to belong, I do not want to lose what we had before as well. It's helpful to hear that others haven't lost what I don't want to lose. Thanks.



homedespot -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/18/2009 7:42:18 AM)

The reason I assume(d) that this will degenerate into a "your evil, or he's stupid" thread is because when we both noticed the increasing distance about 18 months ago he posted this: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1546079/mpage_1/tm.htm
Which got a lot of interesting answers but over time seemed to fall apart, with one poster, telling him:

"She's already interested in someone else. She's made that clear.  You have several choices....the most important being (from a fellow sub); get out...she's shopping you. Get out before you're old news. You're already page 6...she's "better dealing" you."

Somehow in his writing he was unable to convey that he was "okay" (and we were okay) but "curious" So here we are, even further down this path (and still just fine)...and I got curious again.

I think my conclusion is that I am simply more extreme in my view of "24/7 slavery" than many dominants here on CM. And that my ability to maintain a relationship in which romantic feelings are diminished is unusual. And that he is also unusual in that he not only *says* that he wants that extreme form of domination but it isn't purely fantasy on his part...he really does want it. But I do feel that there is a natural progression. Things tend to follow a certain path. As we've grown or changed we've seen a lot of this. We will read something or see something and think it is really 'out there', only to recognize ourselves there a few years later. I thought I could find people who have been down that path, but perhaps those people don't frequent CM or don't read my writing or aren't interested in the ramblings of those behind them.

Either way, I appreciate the time you all took to respond.

Sincerely,

J.



leadership527 -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/18/2009 8:43:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: homedespot

The reason I assume(d) that this will degenerate into a "your evil, or he's stupid" thread is because when we both noticed the increasing distance about 18 months ago he posted this: http://www.collarchat.com/m_1546079/mpage_1/tm.htm
Which got a lot of interesting answers but over time seemed to fall apart, with one poster, telling him:

"She's already interested in someone else. She's made that clear.  You have several choices....the most important being (from a fellow sub); get out...she's shopping you. Get out before you're old news. You're already page 6...she's "better dealing" you."

Heh, there is a jerry springer-esque element to collarme. People very much want to find something awful to point to. Just be aware of the bias.

quote:

Somehow in his writing he was unable to convey that he was "okay" (and we were okay) but "curious" So here we are, even further down this path (and still just fine)...and I got curious again.
Heh, my guess is he probably conveyed it just fine and nobody wanted to hear it.

quote:

I think my conclusion is that I am simply more extreme in my view of "24/7 slavery" than many dominants here on CM.

One of the things I've figured out is that the word "extreme" means nothing. The reason, of course, is that the ways I measure the D/s dynamic and the ways you and other people do aren't even remotely similar. What that means is that TO ME, a lot of other relationships don't look very extreme. Conversely, to a lot of other people, my relationship looks pretty wussy.

quote:

And that my ability to maintain a relationship in which romantic feelings are diminished is unusual.

Yup, that part I suspect IS actually unusual. I don't recall reading or talkign to a lot of folks that started with a love based relationship and moved to a service based one. As "extreme" as I think I've gotten with mine, it is still and always will be love based.

quote:

And that he is also unusual in that he not only *says* that he wants that extreme form of domination but it isn't purely fantasy on his part...he really does want it. But I do feel that there is a natural progression. Things tend to follow a certain path. As we've grown or changed we've seen a lot of this. We will read something or see something and think it is really 'out there', only to recognize ourselves there a few years later. I thought I could find people who have been down that path, but perhaps those people don't frequent CM or don't read my writing or aren't interested in the ramblings of those behind them.
Again, this story is a lot like mine. Certainly, our dynamic has grown over the last two years and things that were unthinkable 2 years ago are commonplace now. The things I contemplate now would've sent me running for the hills then. But unlike you, I do not equate the lack of love with a strong authority dynamic. To me, removing the love aspect leaves a pale and ephemeral shell of a thing not worth my time or attention to do -- which is as it should be. We all need to build the relationships that work for us.

I should think that you could ignore the stuff about the transition from vanilla... who cares? What is current fact for you now is a service-based M/s relationship and you are not the only one on Collarme to have such a thing.

Out of idle curiosity, did you two start out as 24x7 cohabitating and are you now?



hardbodysub -> RE: the movement from vanilla to D/s (10/18/2009 12:22:38 PM)

I suspect that many men in relationships are nervous about surrendering to their submissive yearnings because they fear such a change in the romantic bond between them and their partner.

It's a bit of a submissive's conundrum. It's so exciting to submit to her dominance, but as her dominance grows, and my submission becomes more complete, moving closer to a slave-like role, how will her feelings toward me change? Will she be less attracted to me as a romantic partner because, even if subconsciously, she loses some respect for me, or sees me as less strong or "manly"?



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875