What did I have here?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

What did I have here?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> What did I have here?

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 4:34:14 PM

sweetobedience1

Posts: 25
Joined: 9/24/2009
Status: offline

I know people don't need to have labels, but I want to know about this..

I previously dated a man who never would ever say he was interested in BDSM. I was and am. He, however, was very dominant emotionally. I was ordered not to cry, when to talk, what to say, to do chores, to basically be at his beck and call in every way other than sexually. I bowed before him, and he knew it. He would call me all kinds of names and take and give his love and affection exactly how he wanted to do so.

The sexual part confused me. I was dominant in this regard...well, I'm asking if this is the right word? I'm not thinking it is. He would always allow or disallow me to do things sexually. However, I 49/50 times..increasingly the longer we were together.. initiated new and regular sexual acts. I was wanting it all the time, but sometimes he said no and the specific acts I initiated were always under his demand in reality. And, he did get off this way. Here's where I also get confused: we tried some non-vanilla things, specifically anal play and hitting (on him) that I suggested pretty early on. I was always trying to get my tongue or finger in there, sometimes he would let me, sometimes not. But, it was pretty much where he was the dominant one who really liked to "play" submissive. It worked up to where I was hitting him (not very hard) and calling him names and he "acted" like he didn't like it but would stay around, tease and tempt me, and not really seemingly exert any control during this time where he most certainly would other times and in other areas.

Was I dealing with a dominant who liked to be spanked, "taken" by a girl, and doing some anal play? An emotional dominant and submissive sexual? Or a switch? Or was he into anal play but didn't want to admit it/ order me to, so he just let me?

Reason being, I purely want to know and will help me verbalize what I want from a new partner.

Ie: We broke up because I wanted him to be committed to me only and he didn't/ wouldn't/ couldn't- who knows? I did live with him and he wanted me to stay. Please ask if I'm leaving out important bits! I am not the best at verbalizing myself.

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 5:56:34 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

There are dominants who enjoy pain. Usually we think of tops as the sadists but that doesn't have to be the case. I've known of dominants who order the subs to top, they'll say use this flogger, focus on the upper back, now switch to this paddle and make sure to hit the sweet spot, etc.

Sadist and masochist don't always neatly align with dominant and submissive. It sounds as though he was a masochistic dominant but one who wasn't honest about it and wouldn't tell you what to do, instead he manipulated him into hitting and humiliating him.

Anal play is different. Stimulating the prostate is very pleasant. Lots of guys want a finger up there giving them more pleasure. You aren't suddenly dominant because you enjoy your clit being played with, it's just a highly erogenous zone. Well the prostate is that for men, we can't assume that they feel about ass play the way women do. Besides a woman's finger is much smaller than a man's penis (hopefully) so it is much less likely to be painful.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to sweetobedience1)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 6:13:01 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

lol Celeste re: hoping the finger is smaller.

To the OP: using the terms the way I have come to define them, he sounds like a dominant switch. Dominant in all ways, but also enjoyed bottoming at times. I'm the same way, so to me, it isn't a confusing way to be, but it sure seems to be for others.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 8:32:31 PM

sweetobedience1

Posts: 25
Joined: 9/24/2009
Status: offline

Thank you both very much for your thoughts. I was largely very happy in that relationship and glad to have some words on how to express it.

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 8:50:10 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Yup, I can identify with this also and I think dominant switch is a fairly decent description. Although honestly, just simply "dominant" also works for me. Obviously (based on the foot worship thread) some folks see it a lot differently. But to me, being Carol's master means I get my way. Carol has a really sexy top in her and I enjoy the hell out of playing with that side of her, as does she. So yeah, "my way" includes being the bottom sometimes.

I'm realizing as I write this that the reason it wouldn't even really occur to me to qualify the switch part is that sexuality just wouldn't be worth noting to me. The part that matters to me is the real life stuff.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 8:58:52 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetobedience1

Was I dealing with a dominant who liked to be spanked, "taken" by a girl, and doing some anal play? An emotional dominant and submissive sexual? Or a switch? Or was he into anal play but didn't want to admit it/ order me to, so he just let me?

If he was still getting what he wanted out of sex, when he wanted it...what gives you the notion there is anything submissive at play at all?

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to sweetobedience1)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 9:18:22 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

Hey there, Jeff. I've went back and forth on the whole switch thing for some time now. I think I chose it just to try to ensure that any woman becoming interested in me would not at some later point feel "lied to", if and when the subject of my bottoming came up. One can always choose to work that aspect into their profile though, and achieve the same effect, and I do still consider doing that.

Now, if only the problem of getting some to see the difference between "bottom" and "submissive" were as easy to fix...

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 9:20:27 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Hey there, Jeff. I've went back and forth on the whole switch thing for some time now. I think I chose it just to try to ensure that any woman becoming interested in me would not at some later point feel "lied to", if and when the subject of my bottoming came up. One can always choose to work that aspect into their profile though, and achieve the same effect, and I do still consider doing that.

Now, if only the problem of getting some to see the difference between "bottom" and "submissive" were as easy to fix...

How to CYA in BDSM, by Level.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 9:33:21 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Hey there, Jeff. I've went back and forth on the whole switch thing for some time now. I think I chose it just to try to ensure that any woman becoming interested in me would not at some later point feel "lied to", if and when the subject of my bottoming came up. One can always choose to work that aspect into their profile though, and achieve the same effect, and I do still consider doing that.

Now, if only the problem of getting some to see the difference between "bottom" and "submissive" were as easy to fix...

Yeah, I can see how it'd be more of a mess if I was dating in the BDSM scene. Then some sort of clarification would really be in order... it'd really help to screen out the folks who see d/s in terms of activies rather than mindsets. That's just another of those great divides where completely incompatible viewpoints are just best left apart.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 9:59:06 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

Jeff: Exactly. Getting into the relationship seemingly requires a thousand and one explanations, to head off confusion. I'd be interested to hear how you and Carol handled all that.

NZ: LOL... yes, CYA was the first in a trilogy, you know... followed by Hell No, Just Because I Had Switch In My Profile Doesn't Mean I Want to Do My Own Laundry, and I'm working on the final tome, Bottoming Dominantly (Just You Wait Until I Get These Cuffs Off!)

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 10:00:44 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
Jeff: Exactly. Getting into the relationship seemingly requires a thousand and one explanations, to head off confusion. I'd be interested to hear how you and Carol handled all that.

Uh, we cheated. We got married for 13 years before we started the whole M/s thing. That sort of trimmed down the whole "confusion" thing *laughs*.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Level)

Profile

Post #: 11

RE: What did I have here? - 10/18/2009 10:07:35 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

lol, ah, gotcha.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 12

RE: What did I have here? - 10/19/2009 3:23:44 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
Then some sort of clarification would really be in order... it'd really help to screen out the folks who see d/s in terms of activies rather than mindsets. That's just another of those great divides where completely incompatible viewpoints are just best left apart.

But even those of us who do see the difference between submissive and bottom aren't necessarily interested in topping.

It's not at all uncommon in my experience for a man to be dominant in the relationship yet prefers not to be in his sexuality. But the reverse of that, a woman who prefers being in charge sexually yet not in daily life, is very rare.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to leadership527)

Profile

Post #: 13