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Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/19/2009 8:06:19 PM   
Grlathrt


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/24/2009
Status: offline 		I am rather new to this. I have known I am submissive/slave most of my life. However, I also just came to the realization that I am passive aggressive, especially with someone I would like to be my Master. So my question is, how do you as a subs/slaves get over this???
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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/19/2009 8:26:13 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
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From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Study psychological concepts such as how to communicate effectively, conflict resolution, reactance and how to raise your emotional IQ.

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/19/2009 8:26:56 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		I'm thinking you've started out well by realizing you are passive-aggressive sometimes.  Now you have to be aware of when you are, and work on toning it down.  Maybe ask Him to help you with it and try not to be too upset when He does bring it to your attention.

sweetsub1957

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/19/2009 8:28:11 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		maturity


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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/19/2009 9:48:23 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

maturity



Winner!!!



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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/19/2009 10:48:18 PM   
Surrenderwithin


Posts: 368
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline 		Identifying a problem is the first step toward resolution. Good luck!

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/19/2009 10:56:23 PM   
cougar11


Posts: 11
Joined: 7/8/2007
Status: offline 		communication- be yourself- if a dominant straint is within you ..and you desire to follow that thread to see where it leads...a Dom of honor will respect that and probably assist your discovery...if not, then get a Dom worthy of you or become one yourself!

this whole thing is about NO boundaries- where We/we choose to explore--is the direction to go

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 4:26:00 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Passive aggressiveness develops when we are punished for being angry, for having an emotion somebody else doesn't want to deal with. So we learn to say yes to avoid punishment for being angry but we don't follow through because we don't want to do the action to begin with.

Find a dominant who is patient and who will not punish you for being angry. Learn to identify your emotions and to express them. Simply state what you feel. "I feel angry/frustrated/hurt". Tell your prospective dominant that you will need his/her help accessing your feelings and would they please reassure you they aren't angry when they are trying to get you to talk to them.

Personally I find it easier to be honest if he holds me. Sitting across the room telling me he isn't angry doesn't work for me, holding me does. Which means upon occasion he has forcibly dragged me into his arms and held me for however long it took for me to be able to talk to him.

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 4:49:06 AM   
daintydimples


Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Passive aggressiveness develops when we are punished for being angry, for having an emotion somebody else doesn't want to deal with. So we learn to say yes to avoid punishment for being angry but we don't follow through because we don't want to do the action to begin with.

Find a dominant who is patient and who will not punish you for being angry. Learn to identify your emotions and to express them. Simply state what you feel. "I feel angry/frustrated/hurt". Tell your prospective dominant that you will need his/her help accessing your feelings and would they please reassure you they aren't angry when they are trying to get you to talk to them.

I agree.

Personally I find it easier to be honest if he holds me. Sitting across the room telling me he isn't angry doesn't work for me, holding me does. Which means upon occasion he has forcibly dragged me into his arms and held me for however long it took for me to be able to talk to him.

Nice


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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 5:21:17 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

maturity



Winner!!!



I respectfully disagree. As Des explained, people get passive-aggressive for a reason. Telling them to just grow up or "mature," might be a snappy answer but it's not a magic wand and it's only going to potentially worsen the problem unless you do something to actually assist them in overcoming such behavior. Lots of folks grew up in homes where fully expressing one's feelings was discouraged and they learned the negative, ineffective style of passive-aggressive behavior as their only way to vent. It doesn't make them immature or bad, just unskilled in effective communication...............luci

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 5:39:29 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...Passive aggressiveness develops when we are punished for being angry, for having an emotion somebody else doesn't want to deal with. So we learn to say yes to avoid punishment for being angry but we don't follow through because we don't want to do the action to begin with...


To DesFIP,

just curious but are you in some sort of poly relationship with multiple submissive partners?  if not, who is this "we" that you do the speaking for?
 
To the OP,
 
if you sincerely want to make a change, this slave would encourage you to seek guidance from a professional.  armchair counselling from a bunch of internet strangers isn't going to delve into the nuts and bolts of your unique situation.  the message board posters often mean well, but they only have their own unique hardware to draw from and some even have agendas which have nothing to do with helping you.

best wishes to you.  

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 6:51:55 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Snarky much? No I'm not a clone. But having had 30 odd years of therapy means I have a damn good handle on a lot of common garden variety problems. And as two other people have already agreed with me, it would seem obvious that I'm using a plural to express what is common to many. I used the first person plural to include myself as opposed to third person to seemingly set myself above others.

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 7:14:38 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Snarky much? No I'm not a clone. But having had 30 odd years of therapy means I have a damn good handle on a lot of common garden variety problems. And as two other people have already agreed with me, it would seem obvious that I'm using a plural to express what is common to many. I used the first person plural to include myself as opposed to third person to seemingly set myself above others.


Nope.  not snarky much at all...just curious as to why you feel the need to speak for ANYone other than your own self.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 10:20:01 AM   
ncbabe


Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline 		I used to be passive aggressive with any man who tried to dom me even though I wanted to be submissive to them.  I was labelled 'difficult' and rejected because of it, which upset me because I knew I was submissive and potentially had a lot to offer.

I now realize I was using it as a defensive measure because looking at myself honestly and accepting my submission were very difficult for me to do.  I was lucky enough to meet someone who my behaviour had no effect on.  He saw who I was and what I could be, and knew how to get me there.

Maybe you just need to meet the right Dom?

(in reply to Grlathrt)
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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 10:40:37 AM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

maturity



Winner!!!



I respectfully disagree. As Des explained, people get passive-aggressive for a reason. Telling them to just grow up or "mature," might be a snappy answer but it's not a magic wand and it's only going to potentially worsen the problem unless you do something to actually assist them in overcoming such behavior. Lots of folks grew up in homes where fully expressing one's feelings was discouraged and they learned the negative, ineffective style of passive-aggressive behavior as their only way to vent. It doesn't make them immature or bad, just unskilled in effective communication...............luci


I understand what you've stated, but consider the following... with MATURITY comes RESPONSIBILITY.  The OP obviously is aware of both their behavior and that a problem exits, yes?  So, the MATURE thing to do is to ACT on this through counseling, discussion with their partner, building tools to address the issue, etc.  So yes, while I can see how the above single-word answer may have come across as flippant, it simply implies a person with maturity (who clearly recognizes the problem/issue) would now take the necessary steps to find a resolve; be it through professional help or other means with their partner. Hopefully this better explains/expands on the initial answer provided.



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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 5:22:27 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

I understand what you've stated, but consider the following... with MATURITY comes RESPONSIBILITY.  The OP obviously is aware of both their behavior and that a problem exits, yes?  So, the MATURE thing to do is to ACT on this through counseling, discussion with their partner, building tools to address the issue, etc.  So yes, while I can see how the above single-word answer may have come across as flippant, it simply implies a person with maturity (who clearly recognizes the problem/issue) would now take the necessary steps to find a resolve; be it through professional help or other means with their partner. Hopefully this better explains/expands on the initial answer provided.

Yep, agreed. Point taken..............luci

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 5:25:48 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Snarky much? No I'm not a clone. But having had 30 odd years of therapy means I have a damn good handle on a lot of common garden variety problems. And as two other people have already agreed with me, it would seem obvious that I'm using a plural to express what is common to many. I used the first person plural to include myself as opposed to third person to seemingly set myself above others.


Nope.  not snarky much at all...just curious as to why you feel the need to speak for ANYone other than your own self.

It was indeed snarky. Alot of people use the term "we" as a collective term. I don't think someone has to say "this slave" or "this submissive" or "this human being" to indicate they are only speaking for themselves, giving their own opinion. People say things like she said all day long here but her's was worth that response? Whew.

You also said: "armchair counselling from a bunch of internet strangers isn't going to delve into the nuts and bolts of your unique situation. the message board posters often mean well, but they only have their own unique hardware to draw from and some even have agendas which have nothing to do with helping you." I would say this applies to you as well. You "mean well" but may have your own "agenda." That's "this slave's" opinion............luci

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To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 5:41:50 PM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci


quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Snarky much? No I'm not a clone. But having had 30 odd years of therapy means I have a damn good handle on a lot of common garden variety problems. And as two other people have already agreed with me, it would seem obvious that I'm using a plural to express what is common to many. I used the first person plural to include myself as opposed to third person to seemingly set myself above others.


Nope.  not snarky much at all...just curious as to why you feel the need to speak for ANYone other than your own self.

It was indeed snarky. Alot of people use the term "we" as a collective term. I don't think someone has to say "this slave" or "this submissive" or "this human being" to indicate they are only speaking for themselves, giving their own opinion. People say things like she said all day long here but her's was worth that response? Whew.

You also said: "armchair counselling from a bunch of internet strangers isn't going to delve into the nuts and bolts of your unique situation. the message board posters often mean well, but they only have their own unique hardware to draw from and some even have agendas which have nothing to do with helping you." I would say this applies to you as well. You "mean well" but may have your own "agenda." That's "this slave's" opinion............luci


Agreed.  It wasn't difficult to work out that Celeste was using "we" in the sense of the general public. Maybe you didn't mean to be snarky but that is how it looks.


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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 5:53:02 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		It does get really tiresome to have your, excuse me, one's, pronouns nit-picked apart when you are, excuse me, one is, just trying to make a generalized statement based on past knowledge and experience with general human nature. 

This bitch's opinion is that a nerve has usually been struck when the pronouns come under such sharp scrutiny while the gist of the post is left dangling. 

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RE: Passive/Aggressiveness in a new sub - 10/20/2009 8:48:38 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

It was indeed snarky. Alot of people use the term "we" as a collective term. I don't think someone has to say "this slave" or "this submissive" or "this human being" to indicate they are only speaking for themselves, giving their own opinion. People say things like she said all day long here but her's was worth that response? Whew.

You also said: "armchair counselling from a bunch of internet strangers isn't going to delve into the nuts and bolts of your unique situation. the message board posters often mean well, but they only have their own unique hardware to draw from and some even have agendas which have nothing to do with helping you." I would say this applies to you as well. You "mean well" but may have your own "agenda." That's "this slave's" opinion............luci


thanks for the input luci.  this slave thinks it is inaccurate to represent the feelings and opinions and experiences of folks you don't know personally as "we", so she asked why DesFIP chose to.  apparantly, it means this slave is "snarky" and deserving of an insulting response, or two, or three...

quote:

Agreed.  It wasn't difficult to work out that Celeste was using "we" in the sense of the general public. Maybe you didn't mean to be snarky but that is how it looks.


it was a genuine question, like this slave poses to plenty of folks besides Celeste.  that she was intending to speak for the general public with her remarks, or just whoever agrees with her, or the submissives just in her household, or all submissives in general, this slave couldn't ascertain.  that's why she asked.
 
quote:

It does get really tiresome to have your, excuse me, one's, pronouns nit-picked apart when you are, excuse me, one is, just trying to make a generalized statement based on past knowledge and experience with general human nature. 

This bitch's opinion is that a nerve has usually been struck when the pronouns come under such sharp scrutiny while the gist of the post is left dangling. 


thanks for your input...however, this slave won't be including you in on the pronouns she uses the very next time she is making a generalized statment based on past knowledge and experience with human nature.  sorry if that means you feel left out, but she thinks it would be inaccurate and an insult to you, to assume to speak for you, if she did.

(in reply to slaveluci)
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