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RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/20/2009 1:45:57 PM

kccuckoldmist

Posts: 97
Joined: 7/1/2009
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We all have our own paths in life and finding what is the best one for you and following it will always be a good thing.

Some people can take enjoyment with casual partners and the things done in this life and some can only do things in a loving relationship. To me any key in how you pursue what is the best path in terms of if it is a power exchange relationship and to what degree or not and keeping your brain and heart open to finding a loving long term partner and not getting distracted. Distractions can come in many forms including casual play to where you have more of a social life then a personal life or sitting at home alone frustrated by the lack of interactions and connections in your life that you have closed off your brain and heart.

Casual play might help you understand yourself more and what you are a best fit for or it just might be a complete distraction. It might just be some nice fun or dominate your life and hurt your chances at finding the one. But it is about what works for you to find your path and not just worrying about society guilt of casual relationships.

_____________________________

"The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual's own reason and critical analysis." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

http://mistress-jen.blogspot.com/

(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)

Post #: 21

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/20/2009 4:04:33 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I tend to agree with you on some parts.. I have to be attracted to someone I play with, even if I am not having sex with them. Also.. people ASSUME casual means doing it with some guy you never met, never had contact with, never looked at fondly, and that is just not true all the time. I like my casual partners. They are great guys that I would trust with my limits.. one of which is no sexual genital stimulation. DS is very sexual for me, but BDSM is not. And as I am not in a ds relationship with the men I know and play with, sex doesnt enter the mix at all.

quote:

ORIGINAL: afterforever

I've been wondering about this myself for the last few days. Usually I don't go to play parties but there's one in the pipelines with people from my munch. I'm pretty sure I'm not sexually attracted to anyone in particular and for me D/s is very sexual so I doubt there's a chance of casual play going anywhere. But on the whole I'm leaning towards going, some weird optimistic streak hidden very very far down I guess. You never know, I might see someone in a different light, or there'll be someone new. Worst case scenario, I'll say sex is a limit and just get caned or something, not the end of the world.

(in reply to afterforever)

Post #: 22

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/20/2009 4:56:48 PM

whiteslavebitch

Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
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I had nothing against casual play when I first discovered my masochistic side. The first top I ever played with taught me much about what I could tolerate. I wouldn't have wanted to wait to play the 5 years between discovery and when I met MasterK. But I was picky about who I played with even on a casual basis. My first interaction with MasterK was a casual play situation that grew into something much more.

_____________________________

MasterK's whiteslavebitch

formally collared 1/30/09

"I give to you my everything, you've given me these loving wings." - DMB

(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)

Post #: 23

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/20/2009 7:50:56 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
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I've done casual play in the past when I was single, and currently have a friend who is also my playpartner. She's a bit submissive/service oriented, and I react with some dominance toward her, but she isn't *my* submissive or my girlfriend, and we don't engage in overtly sexual play. I care about her, and she's not just a toy to use and toss out!

(in reply to whiteslavebitch)

Post #: 24

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/20/2009 10:02:18 PM

DreamsOfSpider

Posts: 56
Joined: 12/4/2006
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Thank you to everyone who's posted so far. It's really interesting to see the range of responses.

Mistress Jen, your point about distractions is well-taken.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 25

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/21/2009 10:13:00 AM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
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I have been asking myself this quite a bit the last few weeks. After coming out of a relationship, I don't know exactly when I will be in another. I know I want to take time, and that even if I met the perfect person, I wouldn't rush anything. I think for me though that I enjoy the power exchange as much as anything, of giving up total control to someone else. That is not something I can do as just a casual encounter. I really doubt I will have casual partners, it's just not the thing that does it for me. I do have a dom friend I have known for literally years that I might consider playing with if I really felt I needed it. I don't really have the d/s thing with him though, so in reality there would be no power exchange, just a couple of kinky ppl having some fun.

Perhaps anyone can be the One if you have opened yourself up to the possibility. You really never know when they will come across your path.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)

Post #: 26

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/22/2009 10:59:07 AM

ISOHOH49

Posts: 28
Joined: 10/20/2007
Status: offline

While I wish more than anything that I had "THE ONE" in my life to submit to, but that is not the case. So I do play with a few people. But I do not submit to them. I do not let them play head games with me. I do not have sex with them at all and I do not call them Sir or Master.

They are people that I know from local group and Munchies or those that I had hoped would be "The One" but only turned out to be friends. They whip and spank me and give me none sexual after care.

I do not share my feeling or heart with them. While they care for me as a friend, I know thay do not care for me as "The One" would

This is both bitter sweet. I get a small part of the lifestyle but not the important part. The part of being own.

There are down side to this. Sometime I sub-drop after playing at a play party. Knowing that you are all alone hurts like hell.

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 27

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/22/2009 2:57:19 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

but should I?

Some of us Europeans (although I've been "over here" forever), Morgan, tend to laugh a little about these conundrums. For one thing, how would you know she is "the One" unless you try her out first? Assuming you are here for a reason, and not just looking to fall in love, but do the "love+" thing.

If you take it statistically, there are multiple Ones for most people. There isn't any such thing as happily ever after, unless one refers to oneself. Secondly, you do not learn unless you play with others, each person brings their own unique content to a friendship, relationship, play-ship. Friendships and togetherness and other good stuff can develop in this manner, and why deny that?

You should be fussy about who inflicts pain on you, for two reasons. One - this person should be a good friend before all else - friends tend to last longer than "Ones". Second - this person should respect and understand you, and learn and know which buttons to push. That works best if you play more than once. And that's fun for both.

But the bottom line is that the human animal is not born to be monogamous, regardless of how many people try to reprogram you to think "it is so". And that means you will feel best if you have multiple partners, friends-with-benefits, until such time as you run into that one special person that is out there for you. And in many cases, after that one special person, there is going to be another special person. And sometimes another one, after that, you've got time.

But do not confuse sex and love. The two are not connected, they serve a biologically different purpose. You can decide to connect them once you have met that one special person, but denying yourself the pleasures of the flesh just in case you win the lottery is.... if it happens, it happens, and do live in the meantime.

(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)

Post #: 28

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/22/2009 6:35:59 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
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Antipode, why on earth would you encourage her to separate sex and love? If she wants casual sex, fine, but a lot of us aren't comfortable with that, even if we are fine with casual play. Back when I was looking, having sex with someone who had no more intention of being my boyfriend than my gay friends did seemed rather pointless and depressing.

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 29

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/22/2009 6:50:25 PM

sweetobedience1

Posts: 25
Joined: 9/24/2009
Status: offline

If I personally felt the way Antipode did about things, I'd probably think about killing myself seriously pretty soon. (Totally not saying you should Antipode!!! It's just the my biggest fear, no real "One.") I have never, absolutely never, felt sexual about anyone until I felt they likely were to be The One. I've had sex with very few people, and I am an absolute ice princess around anyone I'm not serious with no matter how hot they are. Bored. Annoyed. Grossed Out. Utterly.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 30

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/23/2009 4:52:44 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

I really don't understand the "waiting for The One" before experiencing joyful moments in ones life. Life is short.

If you enjoy pain, then there are a plethora of ways to indulge yourself without having "The One" and still have a very satisfying experience. It could be that "The One" is disguised as that casual play partner. How can you know by staying at home and hoping "The One" delivery service happens by?

I have never regretted for a single moment the service I provided to partners that I knew from the beginning would never be "The One". As I grow older I can clearly see that even human being have a shelf-life and I want to spend my life living rather than sitting on that shelf!

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)

Post #: 31

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/23/2009 5:56:41 AM

devilishpixie

Posts: 1044
Joined: 10/15/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

quote:

ORIGINAL: devilishpixie

I never understood the idea of a casual play partner. Although for me it is more about the power exchange than the kink and I cant wrap my brain around casually giving someone control over me. Even if we are only talking kink I enjoy alot of edgeplay and for me the risk is far to high with someone who only knows my body on a casual level .

It is like casual sex, emotionally void physically satisfying

Well that explains it since I was never one for casual sex either. lmfao

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 32

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/23/2009 9:02:37 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

I really don't understand the "waiting for The One" before experiencing joyful moments in ones life. Life is short.

If you enjoy pain, then there are a plethora of ways to indulge yourself without having "The One" and still have a very satisfying experience. It could be that "The One" is disguised as that casual play partner. How can you know by staying at home and hoping "The One" delivery service happens by?

I have never regretted for a single moment the service I provided to partners that I knew from the beginning would never be "The One". As I grow older I can clearly see that even human being have a shelf-life and I want to spend my life living rather than sitting on that shelf!

Exceedingly well put.

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

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(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 33

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/23/2009 10:35:13 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

I can't tell you if casual play is right for you or not. But I can tell you that it's right for me.

I don't submit to the person I'm playing with - at least not the way I do with Valyraen. We may have a bond but they aren't my owner. I'm playing to get my needs met, not theirs. Now, making sure that their needs are met means they play with me again and I get my needs met again. Everyone walks away happy. Even though Val and I are married and collared and all that, I still play with others. We honestly don't see any reason to make me stop. It's something I enjoy and he enjoys seeing me in pain regardless of who is inflicting it.

While I won't indulge in breath-play with someone I'm scening with the first time, I'm not particularly afraid of being seriously hurt. I trust them not to want to hurt me in the same way I trust the stranger at the store to not flip out and rob the store. Most people at least want to avoid the consquences of seriously injuring someone else.

So, while I really can't advise you one way or the other, I can at least assure you that is it entirely possible to play casually, not be hurt, have great experiences and still meet your one. Just use your head and listen to your gut. And ya know... if you play casually once and decide you don't like it, it's not the end of the world. Just be smart about who and where.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Acer49)

Post #: 34

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/23/2009 10:36:57 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: devilishpixie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

quote:

ORIGINAL: devilishpixie

I never understood the idea of a casual play partner. Although for me it is more about the power exchange than the kink and I cant wrap my brain around casually giving someone control over me. Even if we are only talking kink I enjoy alot of edgeplay and for me the risk is far to high with someone who only knows my body on a casual level .

It is like casual sex, emotionally void physically satisfying

Well that explains it since I was never one for casual sex either. lmfao

I really don't agree with the above statement. I find that I usually have a connection with the person I am playing with. I am not in a long-term relationship with them but there is a wonderful energy and emotional exchange that I adore and find very fulfilling.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to devilishpixie)

Post #: 35

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/23/2009 2:11:44 PM

shadowowl

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline

In the words of Pink Floyd.
"There will be no safty in numbers when the right one walks out the door."
nothing wrong with casual play to each their own but for me casual play is only a means to an end if they want casual before commitment to get to know each other that's fine but if they want casual cause they don't want commitment then that's me walking out the door.
The right one may be 1 in a million but then again there are 6 billion people on the planet so that means there are a few thousand of them out there ;)
The "one" can only be determined at the end of the road when you look back at your life and know which was the "one"
Maybe it was your first love, maybe it was the one you married maybe it was the one that got away. Only after all is said and done will you know for sure.
But that's just my opinion ^_^

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 36

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/23/2009 2:16:20 PM

BondageFanatic

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/5/2009
Status: offline

Personally, casual play is not for me. It has to have some depth of meaning.

(in reply to DreamsOfSpider)

Post #: 37

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/23/2009 3:17:31 PM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: afterforever
Worst case scenario, I'll say sex is a limit and just get caned or something, not the end of the world.

Heh! For me, I'd much rather have sex with someone I know only slightly than trust them to cane me. My Lady is the only one that gets to hit me with anything that severe, because I can totally put my trust in her and know that her technique will be good and that she has by physical and mental well-being in mind.

Sex is just... like massage with an extra zing. I like it, don't get me wrong, but I don't invest myself nearly so much in sexual intimacy as I do in accepting pain.

(in reply to afterforever)

Post #: 38

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 10/23/2009 9:19:31 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I would have been a very solitary woman if I truly believed there was only one, "one". And you know what? When I am dead or dying I want to look back on my life and think.. yeah, I am happy I lived.
I just do not get how anyone knows who is meant for them unless they check it out. I looked at my to be husband when I was 15 and thought, I am going to marry him. And I did. GAKK.. if he was my "one", I am glad I moved on to experience more of life and love.

The love that effected me most would have only gotten a glance if I had not taken the time to get to know him and connect on all levels.

(in reply to shadowowl)

Post #: 39

RE: Casual play vs. waiting for "The One" - 11/2/2009 2:55:55 PM

Icarys

Posts: 5757
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

I really don't understand the "waiting for The One" before experiencing joyful moments in ones life. Life is short.

If you enjoy pain, then there are a plethora of ways to indulge yourself without having "The One" and still have a very satisfying experience. It could be that "The One" is disguised as that casual play partner. How can you know by staying at home and hoping "The One" delivery service happens by?

I have never regretted for a single moment the service I provided to partners that I knew from the beginning would never be "The One". As I grow older I can clearly see that even human being have a shelf-life and I want to spend my life living rather than sitting on that shelf!

Some date one at a time till they find what they are looking for and others date 10. It's all a matter of choice. I personally prefer to give all of my attention to one person at a time until that person gives me a reason not to do that anymore. For me it's less emphasis on the fun aspect alone and more on the relationship..

_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

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(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 40

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