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Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 7:41:17 AM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline 		There is a lot of talk about sexual compatibility or lack there of. How does one determine this? Is it the body, the size of one’s breast, the length and diameter of ones penis?

Is it the number of orgasms one is able to achieve? Is it the number of positions one is able to get into, or the number of activities one can successfully engage in?

Where does one draw the line at whether one is or is not compatible? Are score cards kept or check lists used?

Do you not enter into a relationship because someone is lacking in some of these areas or do you terminate a relationship because someone can no longer meet the expectations of sexual involvement?

How important do you feel sexual activity is in a play relationship or a committed long term relationship

Thank you in advance for your comments


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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 8:02:09 AM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		To me, sexual compatibility has to do with the frequency of sexual desire, the similarity of the desired scenarios/fantasies/activities, similarity of disinterests/turn-offs, and of course, sexual attraction.  In many ways, my Love and I are actually not sexually compatible.  He is fairly vanilla, especially with me, and has a way lower sex drive.  However, we are attracted to one another, have similar disinterests/turn-offs, some similar interests/fantasies, and, not to be discounted, are terribly in love.   The vanilla sex is incredible, but I get severely depressed without BDSM.  We ultimately went poly several years into our marriage and that seems to have helped.  My Master and his wife have a similar situation.  Master and I are very sexually compatible, but I can't imagine us being married.  In all other ways, we are so well-suited to our spouses.  I think sex is a hugely important part of a relationship and we would be fairly doomed if we stopped having it (barring some sort of medical issue that prevented it).  If there isn't sex at all, you are rather like roommates or best friends.  However, I also think many other issues are important as well, like trust, love, common interests and shared goals.


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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 8:09:01 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		My checklist is pretty straight-forward.

[ ] I love the woman in question.

That about covers "sexual compatibility" for me.

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 8:10:33 AM   
TheGaggingWh0re


Posts: 222
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline 		There'd be a huge checklist of checklists of checklists if I had them. It's not just about, "Ya put the penis in, ya take the penis out! You put the penis in and ya shake it all about!" It's more like, "Sometimes you put the penis in this way and then you do this and then this, and it is like this."

When I think of compatibility, I'm not thinking of absolute perfection. While that would truly be awesome I will only be letting myself and others down if I expect that. There are obviously some things that are a must like being a kinky freak, but even that has details against it (like what sort of kinky freak, etc).

Ultimately I'd say it's a chemical bond. It's about the mental and physical attraction, the silent communication that all creatures share. I don't know how else to explain it. I could say 'communication', and you'd ask 'how', and that is when the "checklist" would come into play and ultimately I'm trying to find a way around the "checklist". Who knows, I could be totally talking out of my ass and not realize it right now, LOL.


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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 8:22:08 AM   
Lucienne


Posts: 1175
Joined: 9/5/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

Do you not enter into a relationship because someone is lacking in some of these areas or do you terminate a relationship because someone can no longer meet the expectations of sexual involvement?



I'd say that sexual compatibility helps define the scope of the relationship. If we're talking long term monogamous relationship, yes, my partner better be willing to get me off on a regular enough basis that I don't get frustrated and resentful. I don't think sex is so important to relationships as much as sex is just important. I think it's possible to love your partner and still need to supplement your sex life with other partners.

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 8:52:19 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

Where does one draw the line at whether one is or is not compatible? Are score cards kept or check lists used?

Do you not enter into a relationship because someone is lacking in some of these areas or do you terminate a relationship because someone can no longer meet the expectations of sexual involvement?

How important do you feel sexual activity is in a play relationship or a committed long term relationship


sexual compatibility is very important for me. i have a high libido and enjoy being satisfied physically. i believe it is part of the getting to know you process. discovering that persons ideas about sex, play, fetishes, icks, and their behavior habits in each. in some regard this is really ymmv because you can't know for certain until you're involved. since i'm referencing a power exchange i will honestly ask if restriction is included in the dynamic, its frequency and terms, and other activities he's unwilling to engage in or those i shouldn't expect to enjoy very often.

whether the responses would serve as a deal breaker depends on what has been said. but it is possible and will generally fall along the lines of what he's unwilling to engage in. if it is a real big fetish for me i won't go forward. physical compatibility weighs in as well. i also need some form of attraction to him. skills and kinks aside, if he can't get in my head and arouse me there we're at a standstill. i've communicated with many that fall into this category and i can't do it. i'm not wired that way.

for long term relations i think we need to be realistic. when it involves a power exchange it becomes trickier which is why i ask lots of questions. since it is an area i'd have very little say in and absolutely no authority, i'd better be aware of what i'm walking into and that i'm willing to endure it according to his terms. i consider what is said carefully, because that's the lifestyle i'd be embracing and i want to be in a relationship where i'm happily fulfilled, not wishing i'd chosen differently.

porcelaine


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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 8:52:19 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		The basics would have to be, do we fit together well, are we equally hungry for sex, are our fantasies similar, do we both want to experiment.

The mental side is the chemistry. When I first got speaking to Steve it was via email and phone. His words were already touching the right buttons, his voice was definitely hitting the right spots but I told him that I would know within the first 5 seconds of meeting him if we were not sexually compatible and perhaps thats shallow or perhaps its to do with me always keeping my eyes open during sex!!


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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 9:06:59 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Similar libidos. I will go without rather than always be in the position of initiating and then getting shot down. If he wants it once a month and I want three times a week then we are definitely not compatible.

Does he pay attention during sex and learn what works for me and what doesn't or does he always do what he wants and to hell with me?

And that intangible, chemistry.

It's very important to me. Sex has been referred to as the glue that holds a marriage together and I believe it. You stop having sex and you stop holding each other, you stop being physically affectionate. Since I need a lot of touch, such a relationship does not work for me. Don't get any touch, don't get your skin hunger met and you will not be as relaxed, as happy.

We are primates after all and all of our primitive cousins bond through touch, grooming, etc. We do too. But without sex to lead it, touching stops among humans. Plus if I have to go take care of myself while he turns his back on me, I will feel unloved.

We're in our late 50's. The drive does not end even when the plumbing is not what it used to be. We are both committed to satisfying each other's drives, as well as our own, as much as we can.

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 9:20:16 AM   
afterforever


Posts: 315
Joined: 6/12/2008
From: Belfast, NI
Status: offline 		I've never tried to measure it as coldly as compatibility = physical attraction + % of kinks shared + no. of orgasms x love, or however your own formula goes. While all these things are no doubt important, someone either turns me on or they don't, and it's way too complex for the conscious mind to process. I could easily envision scenarios where I would be just as compatible with a balding middle aged guy with a small penis as some ravenous boobalicious kinkster my own age. Some factors help for sure, but they don't make up the whole.

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 9:31:16 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Sexual compatibility for me is matching libido,  enough matching kinky interests to make engaging in sex worth while, their desire to please me and see that I am being satisfied and kept happy, and in return I'd do the same thing. Their open minded ness and their willingness to try new things and always be exploring and learning and not stagnate in one place for very long, and I find more and more I want someone who has a very low list of taboo items, and they must not have rigid gender defined or orientation defined  roles, like men don't eat pussy it's not manly, or men don't get their butthole played with, that's a submissive thing and men are not submissive ect ect. 

I believe pleasure is pleasure, and there's no such thing in my opinion, as "it's a dom only or sub only action"


Yes I'd reject a relationship with someone who was not sexually compatible with me.  I have been there done that, and I have done it enough times to know it's not going to be a very satisfying relationship in the kinky department.  I am a fairly sexual person, well sensual at least, and while it's dormant a lot in me since my partner doesn't do much of anything to encourage that or make it thrive, I'm happiest with the total package, when I am getting lots of kinky interaction, and I am more willing to focus on him and his pleasure and going out of my way for him, if I am being kept happy and fulfilled.

And things may be going dashingly well in the emotional and mental and physical connection department, but I need things to be going equally well in the kinky arena.  I would eventually maybe end a relationship if he left such a huge part of me un fufilled, yes.

Either that or tell him to shape up and start seeing to my needs properly or let me play with other people if they're going to be un willing to feed and fuel the kinky side of me.

I feel that while not the top most priority, it's  important  that sexual activity is in a play relationship or a committed long term relationship.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

There is a lot of talk about sexual compatibility or lack there of. How does one determine this? Is it the body, the size of one’s breast, the length and diameter of ones penis?

Is it the number of orgasms one is able to achieve? Is it the number of positions one is able to get into, or the number of activities one can successfully engage in?

Where does one draw the line at whether one is or is not compatible? Are score cards kept or check lists used?

Do you not enter into a relationship because someone is lacking in some of these areas or do you terminate a relationship because someone can no longer meet the expectations of sexual involvement?

How important do you feel sexual activity is in a play relationship or a committed long term relationship

Thank you in advance for your comments



< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 10/22/2009 10:18:34 AM >

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 9:39:37 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP




It's very important to me. Sex has been referred to as the glue that holds a marriage together and I believe it. You stop having sex and you stop holding each other, you stop being physically affectionate. Since I need a lot of touch, such a relationship does not work for me. Don't get any touch, don't get your skin hunger met and you will not be as relaxed, as happy.




I am so glad you said this because I am a firm believer in that too.
If your happy with sex within your relationship then you can bet that your pretty much happy with the rest of it.

My ex husband was thoughtful, kind, caring and hard working but I never had that sexual chemistry with him and eventually we lived in virtual celibacy. If we had been sexually compatible too then it would of been a marriage made in heaven but without the turn on towards him it was a marriage doomed to fail.


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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 9:46:49 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP




It's very important to me. Sex has been referred to as the glue that holds a marriage together and I believe it. You stop having sex and you stop holding each other, you stop being physically affectionate. Since I need a lot of touch, such a relationship does not work for me. Don't get any touch, don't get your skin hunger met and you will not be as relaxed, as happy.




I am so glad you said this because I am a firm believer in that too.
If your happy with sex within your relationship then you can bet that your pretty much happy with the rest of it.

My ex husband was thoughtful, kind, caring and hard working but I never had that sexual chemistry with him and eventually we lived in virtual celibacy. If we had been sexually compatible too then it would of been a marriage made in heaven but without the turn on towards him it was a marriage doomed to fail.



I had a similar marriage although we were not compatible in most aspects. So we lived as roomates who barely talked.


I saw a show some years ago. I think it was Oprah and I think who said it was Doctor Oz. There was a couple on who hadnt had sex in 3 years. Anyhoo, what was said was,"When the sex is good, its 10% of the relationship. When its not good, its 90% of the relationship".

This is a sentiment I whole heartedly agree with.

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 10:15:23 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		Maybe that's true for some people, but I don't buy it's the same for all people.


James and I do not have a lot of sex, we regularly go 5 or 6 months or more with no sex, and very very little bdsm, but we're still very cuddly and affectionate, so much so my neighbor has told us to get a room once when we were all standing around talking, because I was making goo goo eyes at him, and she was a little uncomfortable. When we lived in Rohnert park, our neighbor said you could tell we were gaga for each other, because we were always goofing off always laughing always so obviously and sickeningly tooth ache causing happy. And that was also with no sex going on.

We're always touching always hugging always saying I love you and there isn't a night that goes by that I am not in bed next to him so close the two of us should rightly be sharing the same skin. Hell I cuddle so close I end up pushing him out of bed.


Now maybe we're a minority, but my parents are happy together, and their sex life has pretty much became something along the lines of once a month, and yeah I know this because my mom and I don't feel a taboo about talking about our sex lives with each other.


And your statement discounts those who do not have sex or sex acts in their relationship, and are strong and loving and happy couples none the less.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
You stop having sex and you stop holding each other, you stop being physically affectionate. But without sex to lead it, touching stops among humans.




< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 10/22/2009 10:16:12 AM >

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 10:42:55 AM   
Santoro


Posts: 58
Joined: 9/16/2009
Status: offline 		I have been dating the same woman for eleven years and I would describe our sexual experiences as volcanically eruptible with a magnitude that vastly surpasses the explosive energy of a hydrogen bomb.
Neither of us is desirous of a committed relationship. Or so we say. We dine together twice a week; spend many weekends together and often vacation together.
She, a fiercely independent stunningly beautiful female malpractice attorney owning her own firm and I an architect. We meet at Gold’s gym and at first sight I was irresistibly captivated by her cut definition and muscle mass. Later she confided to me that almost immediately she was engulfed in a lustful magnetism as she watched me going through my workout. Even today that same physical attraction rages on and in our own way we love and respect each other but neither of us is even remotely close to fulfilling the inner most needs and we both know this entwining will come to a screeching halt some day in the future.

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 10:52:24 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

There is a lot of talk about sexual compatibility


I am completely unaware of there being a lot of talk about this subject - and that is not for want of reading. I tend to think that use of the term "sexual compatibility" in forums is mostly confined to those that spend their days posting, and those that attempt to write rulebooks and dictionaries for all aspects of life (and dare I say, analyze to the exclusion of actually going out and living it..).

Even as an analyst and researcher, I can only tell you there is no such thing as "sexual compatibility" any more than there is a "food compatibility", "locomotion compatibility" or "left nostril compatibility". It is all down to the way people work their lives.

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 11:19:04 AM   
Moonhead


Posts: 16520
Joined: 9/21/2009
Status: offline 		If you're not compatible with somebody, you're unlikely to be having sex (however bad it turns out to be) with them in the first place, I'd have thought.

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 11:21:50 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

There is a lot of talk about sexual compatibility or lack there of. How does one determine this? Is it the body, the size of one’s breast, the length and diameter of ones penis?

I think you can get clues in conversation. Whether or not one shares similar fantasies. That's an important one for me. Some people claim not to have fantasies. For me, that would probably be a sign of a not real solid compatibility. I also like submission and humiliation scenes. If my prospective partner doesn't share those interests, we aren't likely to be very compatible.

It's in the head, as much as in the body.

Sometimes you can't really get clues in conversation because it's often considered gauche to broach such topics early on in an acquaintanceship.

Physical attraction is a factor. Breast size has nothing to do with it. Cock size, women can answer that one on their own.
quote:


Is it the number of orgasms one is able to achieve? Is it the number of positions one is able to get into, or the number of activities one can successfully engage in?
You're being flippant, but to some degree, yes - there does have to be some sort of basic physical competency , for lack of a better word.

I've had women who sucked my cock and made me feel like a sapling being chewed on by a beaver. I didn't have the skills to teach her how to not do that.
That's just one thing, but it doesn't take many of these things to amount to something significant.

As far as sharing activities, yes - and I'm speaking for myself only, of course - but right now, sharing a fantasy life is very important to me. Moreso than fucking, even.

quote:

Do you not enter into a relationship because someone is lacking in some of these areas or do you terminate a relationship because someone can no longer meet the expectations of sexual involvement?


Yes. I've met women and had incredibly attraction instantly, but later realized that our sex life was only going to go so far - basically what people refer to as a "vanilla" relationship, but with some bows and whistles.

This is not all bad - there was genuine tenderness and caring and love.
But if you have some certain kink of fetish or something, you aren't likely to be satisfied sexually if you are asked to give that up.

That's what sexual compatibility means.

quote:

How important do you feel sexual activity is in a play relationship or a committed long term relationship

To me, right now I want to focus on it. I want to explore it and share it with someone. I've spent the better portion of my adult life and relationships without it, so for now I want to see what happens if I make it a priority. But - this view may change over time.



< Message edited by Jeptha -- 10/22/2009 11:32:58 AM >

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 12:26:48 PM   
OrionAndi


Posts: 73
Joined: 9/18/2009
Status: offline 		Orion has a much larger sex drive to what I have, saying that before i met Orion my sex drive was far lower than it is now. Which I think says alot.

I previous relationships i never had that passion for it and there was always something missing. Now i know what it was. That excitement, that adventure, the pure lust and true love for one another. We tick most of each others boxes and we are sexually compatible. I think what makes it is the moments when you are together, how you feel, the way you both interact with eachother.. neither of us are selfish.. but we both have our selfish moments.. hehe, which we enjoy on the odd occassion :P Another thing for us is that we both love every inch of one anothers body.

I dont nessacerally think that sex drive plays a major part unless niether are willing to compromise then it could be a problem.

Sexual activity plays a big part in a relationship, it brings you both together on a completely different level from your day to day antics. It brings the emotion and passion into your relationship.

Our dynamics works perfectly within our sexual relationship. Orion likes to "contol" and I prefer being "controlled" though we both have moments where we want to change "the role". Which is perfect.

hope i didnt ramble off... if i did sorry :O

Andi x






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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 2:00:47 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Acer49

There is a lot of talk about sexual compatibility or lack there of. How does one determine this?



Do ya both enjoy doing the same stuff, about the same amount of time, that gets each other off?  That's sexual compatibility.

Some Examples:

Compatible:  He gets off on getting a great hummer (blow job) and you get off giving him one.

Incompatible: He gets off on getting a great hummer (blow job) but you don't enjoy giving him one.


Compatible:  You get off BIG TIME when you're on top, and it flips his biscuit too.

Incompatible: You get off BIG TIME when you're on top, but he'd much rather pound your ass from behind.


Compatible:  You both like gettin' nookie about as much.

Incompatible: He wants to "get jiggy with it" 10 times a day, where you'd prefer 10 times a year.


And of coursse there's the D/s theoretical component... that what the bottom wants/desires doesn't matter anyway, because as long as the Toppy person is happy, then that's all that matters.  Personally, not a theory we subscribe to, but still, others do, so it warrants mention.

< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 10/22/2009 2:10:47 PM >

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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 10/22/2009 2:22:29 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

I can only tell you there is no such thing as "sexual compatibility" any more than there is a "food compatibility", "locomotion compatibility" or "left nostril compatibility". It is all down to the way people work their lives.


i have to disagree on the food thing. there are people with palates that are very fixed and unwilling to embrace new cuisines. they prefer things simple and are inflexible in their eating habits. others prefer foods that i couldn't dream of digesting. they hear organic and groan. i would have zero compatibility with either party. particularly in a power exchange where my food consumption would be controlled. my epicurean tastes and love of the grape would make pairings of this nature unlikely. as with all things, exceptions do exist.

porcelaine


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