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A few questions - 10/22/2009 5:56:22 PM   
Jonquille


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/21/2009
Status: offline 		Hello.

I am new to the site and have a few questions if anyone feels like responding.  It will be mostly about submissives, but answers by anyone would be welcome.

How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?
How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?
What first drew you to the lifestyle?
How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.

I'm sure there are other questions I will come up with as I'm naturally curious, but for now I think that's it.  Thank you in advance for the replies.

Joni


Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 6:16:29 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?
****Not mutually exclusive.  Some people 'just know' others discover that about themselves, others evolve into roles. 

How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?
****Not everyone is into TPE.  Trust is important regardless.  Afraid that I'll do something wrong, if I were on the s-side the kneel?  No. 

What first drew you to the lifestyle?
****I think an interest in power dynamics is natural and was tweaked by my upbringing  I chose to cultivate my knowledge and interests even further.  I don't affiliate with a particular lifestyle. 

How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.
****I'm not vanilla and sometimes people come up with stuff that makes me feel downright vanilla.each unto his or her own. 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 6:32:51 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?
It's not a "just" thing. They are entirely different things. There is no "actually submissive". Either you obey or want to obey someone else in some context or another or you don't. So you tell us.

How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone? Isn't it frightening? Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?
Less frightening the more you know the other person would be my guess.

What first drew you to the lifestyle?
Lifestyle? What lifestyle? I learned about D/s online and it seems to work for Carol and I. But we aren't in any "lifestyle" that I know of.

How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it? I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.
*laughs* They let me in. Trust me, you're not too vanilla for it.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 7:00:15 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I remember decades ago when I was but a mere grasshopper commenting to my father that when I grew up I wanted to own slave girls. Now remembering that we have servants who were off limits especially to a lad with male hormones exploding, and a Mother , who I was convinced, would de-knacker me if I tried to embed my tallywacker into the vaginal sheath of a serving girl. My Father laughed and told me that as I would learn as I reach maturity, this is why a gentleman often has Mistresses of the non domineering type. I've oft wondered if My father was involved in kinky sex. he was a strict disciplinarian (Traditional Victorian style) where we had to dress for dinner (black suits and bow ties formal wear), I hard nosed and hard assed businessman both with clients of his Accounting form and in board rooms about the country and overseas. Great friend, feared adversary and wonderful Father.

Ahh well after reflecting it is back to the advertised program.


_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 7:38:22 PM   
ncbabe


Posts: 1060
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline 		How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?
 
I love obeying, whether the order is related to sex or otherwise.
 
How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?
 
It is a gradual process, if you even go that far at all.  If you do it should not be frightening with the right dominant, it should feel natural.  I am not afraid of doing something wrong because he teaches me how to do something before expecting me to just do it, and supports my efforts when I try my best.
 
What first drew you to the lifestyle?
 
I never considered myself to be part of a lifestyle.  I just followed the path that was right for me and found myself here.
 
How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.
 
Not everything is for everyone.  Not only is it okay for there to be things that do not appeal to you, it is also perfectly normal.  The degree of your submissiveness is not measured by the extremity of the activities you partake in.  Take it one step at a time.  We all started somewhere.

< Message edited by ncbabe -- 10/22/2009 7:40:42 PM >

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 7:41:31 PM   
mbes


Posts: 465
Joined: 12/14/2006
Status: offline 		The only question in that lot I absolutely know the answer to is this one-- "Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?" By no means afraid, I'm quite confident that I'll do something wrong--- probably today, I haven't gone to bed yet! And tomorrow and the next day and the next.
I don't fear it because everyone does things wrong, and yet, the world keeps turning. It will when I screw up too.
So don't fear it; know that you will, and keep going.

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 9:09:19 PM   
NihilusZero


Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?

First you need to figure out what "submissive" means to you and then strive to figure out how other people see it so that your own idea is semi-reflective of what is normally presumed (this does not mean you change yourself based on what's popular, this is just to get a better understanding of the expectations and descriptions).

Submission involves the surrender of certain parts/facets of your life unto another who you have grown to decide merits that surrender. Kinky sex is just the enjoyment of certain aspects of sexual play. They can both be entirely separate topics or can overlap considerably...it's all based on the individual.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?

We are faced with the potential for mistakes, errors and horrors in every facet of life. The part that is so enticing about relationships of any sort is the potential for considerable gain.

A decent bit of fear about doing something wrong is healthy. It tempers your scrutiny of people and situations. Use it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

What first drew you to the lifestyle?

Introspection. This is all about finding out what things fit you best...what things fulfill you at the core. The people of this community/lifestyle are just people who have discovered or are in the process of discovering that something relevant to all of this is such a thing that fulfills them.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.

Back to fear. Good. It serves you to better understand the things you want and the things you don't want. Take care, though, to remember that the same individuality that makes you want thing X but fear thing Y would make another person actually want thing Y.

Once you've searched yourself enough to know what you seek, there is no "too" anything. All that would be relevant to is whether the community demographic you're engaging in is likely to yield a potential suitor that matches you...at which point it's just a question of functionality.



_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 9:22:21 PM   
Elipsis


Posts: 301
Joined: 7/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?
How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?
What first drew you to the lifestyle?
How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.

I'm sure there are other questions I will come up with as I'm naturally curious, but for now I think that's it.  Thank you in advance for the replies.

Joni


If you're not sure what you're into, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  My advice to you though is to make sure that you're honest with your potential partner.  If you're not sure that what you're getting into is what will really make you happy, make sure you tell them that.  If you're just exploring and have my doubts about something you're about to try, tell them that.  Communication is especially important when you've got a lot of self-doubt, so be honest with your potential partner or playmate, and equally importantly be honest with yourself.

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 9:34:12 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?  

I started out thinking I was submissive, but the reality was I was a masochist and wanted the physical sensations.  Somewhere along the way, I discovered that I felt most fulfilled when I ceded authority to another.  Kinky sex is a big part of it and I get great pleasure from S + M but it is the combination that works best for me.
quote:

  How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening? 

Well, I don’t give up total control.  The two dominants in my life don’t want to have total control.  But when required and or commanded to do things that scare me, I ask myself ‘will this cause me harm?’  If the answer is no, it is not harmful, then I take a deep breath and obey.  It satisfies a need for me.  I can’t really explain it except to say that coming outside of myself to please him is rewarding.

quote:

  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?

I’m pretty comfortable with the fact I am human and fallible.  I have screwed up and am sure that I will again in the future.  I apologize, we discuss it, and move on.
quote:

  What first drew you to the lifest

For many years I had no idea there was a ‘lifestyle’.  I had a very rich fantasy life, and to my great surprise, the reality was even better than my hottest fantasy!
quote:

  How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it? 

 
Everybody finds their own place and what works for them along the way.  I am sure some people would view me as vanilla with a few chocolate swirls.  Who cares?  Find what works for you and look for a partner who is compatible. 

quote:

    I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.

Me too! There are many who are involved in stuff that I know I could never do.  But what they do does not affect my life one bit.  Just because they are happy with whatever it may be doesn’t make me feel obligated to ever go there! 

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 10:05:55 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

Hello.

I am new to the site and have a few questions if anyone feels like responding.  It will be mostly about submissives, but answers by anyone would be welcome.

How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?

I've been spending the last few hours considering this rather specific topic.

How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?

I'm not sure you do/can.

Isn't it frightening? 

Yes.

Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?

Yes.

What first drew you to the lifestyle?

Everything.  My fears.  My fantasies.   Dreams.  Crazy fucking dreams.  Shit I couldn't explain.  Things I wouldn't tell my Mother.  (Things I'm occasionally ashamed of).

How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it? 

(You're probably not).

I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.

I've considered calling my Pastor......twice....but my laptop wasn't working at the time....

I'm sure there are other questions I will come up with as I'm naturally curious.....

I'm certain of it  (and when you're ready to ask.....there will be plenty of respectful people offering a response).

Joni


< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 10/22/2009 10:09:27 PM >

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 10:08:19 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline 		Hi, Jonquille! Welcome to the boards!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

Hello.

I am new to the site and have a few questions if anyone feels like responding.  It will be mostly about submissives, but answers by anyone would be welcome.

How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?


I think you may be overthinking it a bit. Try a little less thinking, and a little more feeling - how does it feel to you? Trust that. Trust your feelings to tell you who you are; get out of your head and listen to your heart. Take some time, get in touch with your feelings, and don't overanalyze it or push yourself for a level of clarity that just may not be apparent yet. In the end, this is a question nobody can answer but you, and it sometimes takes time. Give the process the time it needs, and it'll give you the answer you need.



quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille
How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?


Frightening? Sure. More so at first. But what's the worst that can happen? Ask yourself that. And then ask yourself, how bad can that really be - whatever it is?

Dealing with the fear all starts with trusting your partner. If you've got that, there's nothing to fear. If you don't have that, take them back to whatever store you found them at and exchange them for one you do trust. Take it one step at a time, and again, don't overthink all the things that can go wrong. Be aware, certainly, of the risks involved in whatever it is that you're doing, but also be aware that in almost every instance, whatever might go wrong is really no big deal in the grand scheme of things.



quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille
What first drew you to the lifestyle?


I was fortunate enough to understand at a very early age that this was the only way I could fully express myself in a romantic relationship. There was never an option for me; this was who i had to be, and I never doubted it for a moment.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille
How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.


I've been living this life for over 30 years, and every serious relationship I've ever had has been D/s - most of them 24/7, ownership-based relationships. And I still see things here every single day that do not appeal to me at all, and frighten me.

The solution is simple - don't do those things. Do other things. Things that do appeal to you, and don't frighten you... well, too much, anyway. When you go to Olde Country Buffet, you only take portions of the food you like, right? You don't put a spoonful of every single thing on your plate, do you? It's the same here. Keep it simple.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille
I'm sure there are other questions I will come up with as I'm naturally curious, but for now I think that's it.  Thank you in advance for the replies.



You're welcome. Keep 'em coming; we love giving advice!


_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A few questions - 10/22/2009 10:15:05 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?
I'm both.  I know I'm submissive because I get a thrill out of following orders and doing well for my Dominant, whether or not kinky sex is involved.  But yes, i do like kinky sex TOO. 

How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?
I give up control within my Hard Limits.  In time I learned I could trust Sir to not hurt me so, no, I was not frightened.  I'm not afraid of doing something wrong because things are explained to me as I am given the orders.  If I don't understand, I respectfully ask "Please Sir, would You clarify that for me, so I can do my best to please You?"  If/when I do do something wrong, I will be corrected properly according to His wishes and I learn from it. 

What first drew you to the lifestyle?
Curiosity.  I met a man on a vanilla dating site who openly said he was submissive, and I asked him what that meant.  When he told me, I immediately knew that's how I felt my entire life.  He sent me a link and I checked into it, and here I am!  The internet's a wonderful tool.

How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.
As soon as I'd had my first bdsm encounter, I was hooked.  It felt like I'd "come home" so I knew I was definitely NOT vanilla.  The high that I get from just following orders is a rush and so comforting somehow.  And the "good girls" when I do well are the icing on the cake.  But I don't consider myself to be part of a "lifestyle."  I'm just me, living my life.  Everyone is different, bdsm isn't for everyone and people  do do it do it to different degrees.....a very individual thing.


_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A few questions - 10/23/2009 12:38:21 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?


my desire to extend the power dynamic outside of the bedroom and live within those parameters full-time is one indicator. the greatest one is the joy i find in serving Him and the feeling His pleasure emits. it is an emotion i only derive from servitude, which cannot be satisfied through other methods.

quote:

How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?


you don't find the strength to do it. i believe it is a gradual process that evolves. if you have an inherent need to please and a demeanor that is naturally compliant, where being obedient is a desire and you're relatively self-controlled and self-disciplined, abiding by his wishes will be much easier than it is for others. my fear comes from loss of control, i don't worry about him messing up anymore because i know that will happen, we're human. i'm not afraid of doing the same, i expect it, nonetheless i try to stay within the lines he creates.

there's also the fact that each dominant differs in their approach and the level of control they seek to have over the submissive. if the concept of surrendering in that nature is frightening or feels overwhelming, i'd suggest you find someone willing to ease into the process that won't expect that sort of thing from the start. some do, others prefer to grow into it instead.

quote:

What first drew you to the lifestyle?


originally it was a fascination with the erotica i read as a child. it provided great masturbation fodder. my exploration as an adult began with curiosity and friendships with people already involved in the scene. i eventually became involved with a masochist and was aware of my inclination by then. i joined a local club, jumped in with both feet and never looked back.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: A few questions - 10/23/2009 3:54:24 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		1) Do you enjoy making decisions or do you find that tiring?

2) You don't give up total control on the first date. You need a sufficient history together with the other person to show you that they are good decision makers. We're 8 years in and I still haven't given up total control. But every year it's a little more and a little deeper as my insecurities disappear.

3) Control does not mean sadism or masochism. Activities are just that, I don't play golf or tennis either but the pastimes I enjoy don't say anything about how I like my interpersonal relationships to go. Find someone compatible, who does like the same things you do, and dislikes the same things you dislike. Here, he's the boss but playtime is bondage and sex, not sadism or masochism. He's never going to go around sticking needles into me, or lots of other stuff, because neither one of us are interested.

It's your relationship, if what turns you on is being tied up with scarves and tickled with a feather, there is someone out there who is also interested. None of us are going to come along, observe, and remove your permission slip to be here. The only people who get to make decisions about how you structure your relationships are you and your partner. Find someone compatible, that's all that matters.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: A few questions - 10/23/2009 4:38:27 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.


because a lot of the things i enjoy are not permitted discussions on the site. as for the scary stuff, there isn't much i find frightening at all. if it represents an interest my Owner has and He wishes to engage i will always follow His lead.

life is too short to allow fear to hasten my steps. i have found myself most attracted to the One that will allow me to face and conquer my fears. the difficulty and challenges that must be surmounted to make this possible are one of the things that draw me to Him. i've never enjoyed doing things the easy way.

porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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Profile   Post #: 15
RE: A few questions - 10/23/2009 8:40:33 AM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

Hello.

I am new to the site and have a few questions if anyone feels like responding.  It will be mostly about submissives, but answers by anyone would be welcome.

How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?
- it is both. It is the attraction of something which isn't "mainstream" that fuels me to want the kinky sex and the submission is something which I feel instinctively.

How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?
- we all have that core of inner strength to draw upon. It is frightening, exhilarating and exciting all in one. Not really as I am not perfect and will always make mistakes of one sort or another. It is my responsibility to learn from these mistakes I make so I don't repeat them in the future. I see this as my path of personal growth as a person in all areas of my life.

What first drew you to the lifestyle?
- Originally it was that aura of being taboo which appealed to my curiosity to explore things which most consider deviant or weird. I always knew my life would not be boring and it would not be mundane.

How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.
- As time passes, I have come to see that kinks and deviant behavior I engage in are simply aspects to what makes me - me. Yes I also seen things which scares me and some does turn me off, yet there are many fetishes and kinks which I could/have indulged in that will scare other people. We are all unique individuals and our life experiences have formed our likes and dislikes.


I'm sure there are other questions I will come up with as I'm naturally curious, but for now I think that's it.  Thank you in advance for the replies.

Joni





_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A few questions - 10/23/2009 10:27:18 AM   
jimsgirl


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/23/2009
Status: offline 		Hi Joni,

1. I knew that I was truly submissive because I enjoy doing things for Sir that aren't of a sexual nature. To me, being submissive is MUCH more than being sexual. Sex does have a lot to do with it, but there's a lot more to it than that.

2. It is scary to give up control to someone else. For me, I feel like this is what I am here for. I was meant to find Sir, have his child and serve Him for the rest of my days. To me it was destiny.

3. Kinky sex LOL! I was introduced by an ex boyfriend (at the time I was considered 'vanilla'). You can email me for more details, if you like.

4. There are things on this site that do not appeal to me, either. Not everyone is into everything. You don't have to be bound by labels, Joni. Be who you are, regardless of what anyone else calls it. :)

--Sir Jim's girl

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: A few questions - 10/23/2009 11:06:51 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

Hello.

I am new to the site and have a few questions if anyone feels like responding.  It will be mostly about submissives, but answers by anyone would be welcome.

How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?

I'm not submissive......I'm not dominant either.....I enjoy sex and am extremely adventurous in a way that'd likely be called kinky.....with my Master.

How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?

It didn't take any strength at all because I'd known him for years and years. It's not frightening as such, though it's had/has some terrifying moments.  You don't even have to be *submissive* to do it .......you can just choose to live with someone else in control, just as you can choose an egalitarian relationship.

No, I'm not at all afraid that I'll do something wrong.....I have, and will certainly do so again. I've always done things wrong at some point or other. Being owned hasn't changed that. I don't live in fear of putting a foot wrong , no.......if that's what you mean. He's not some unreasonable arse........and he does things wrong too..........lol


What first drew you to the lifestyle?

I read about D/s and  thought * Heyup, that sounds good for me*


How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.

I don't know and I don't care. I wasn't looking for anything in* particular* anyway. I was just exploring the idea of *control* in general.

I shouldn't worry about what people get up to in the *kinky* sense..........Honestly , there's no obligation to take part in other people's idea of *fun* ........lol

I'm sure there are other questions I will come up with as I'm naturally curious, but for now I think that's it.  Thank you in advance for the replies.

Joni





It's a relationship, basically, like any other.  Some people have a bit of kink in it, some people have a LOT of kink in it and some have none, really.  As DesFip said ......no-one's watching and taking notes......you can do *it* however you want to.

agirl




(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A few questions - 10/23/2009 11:14:08 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline


How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?
I just know how I am. I enjoy things that are kinky don't get me wrong, but I enjoy the power exchange in a huge way. The part of giving myself over totally to another and knowing that he has complete control. What I find strange is that I am sort of a control freak normally, maybe that's why I am happy when that's taken out of my hands.

How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?
It's not easy to give up control, it takes a lot of work, trust, and building to get there. I also want to see that he has control over his own life before he gets mine. I actually am for the most part independent, so to get the slave part of myself, a man will truly know he has all of me, the complete package. It's always a tad scary when first getting to know someone, but once that trust is there..the scary gets less and less, and the trust gets more and more, and the pleasure is incredible. I am not afraid of doing something wrong. Things are set up so that I know what is expected of me, as long as I do my best, it's not going to be an issue. I am human of course, so I will make mistakes, but I am not afraid of the fact.

What first drew you to the lifestyle?
I used to tie myself up when I was younger and try to break free..lol. I had no idea what any of this was at that point, but in my fantasies I always had the man taking control, play rape, and being helpless. It's just in my genes I guess, or something like that. I can't imagine a relationship without it, and that's the truth.

How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.
You don't have to enjoy everything, you take the time to find what YOU enjoy and desire. If you are on this site, chances are you aren't too vanilla for it. Something has made you curious and even if your "kinks" aren't as extreme as others, there is still someone out there that will match the ones you have.







_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: A few questions - 10/23/2009 1:02:44 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jonquille

Hello.

I am new to the site and have a few questions if anyone feels like responding.  It will be mostly about submissives, but answers by anyone would be welcome.

How do you know if you are actually a submissive, or if you just enjoy kinky sex?
I'm a dominant but you asked for answers from anyone so I'll give input from my perspective.  In terms of knowing if you are submissive/dominant/switch...take a look at yourself and inside yourself.  One of the things I encourage submissive and dominant friends of mine to do...because I have found it helpful in my own life...is develop an ability to be able to find reasons for what they do, what they think, what they feel.  To develop an ability to look at their actions and analyze them.  This doesn't have to involve over-analysis but more a gathering of knowledge of yourself.  For someone who wishes to submit to me, it is one of the first things we start working with.  Liking kinky sex and being submissive can be apart from each other...there are submissives on here who have no interest in sex of a BDSM nature.  There are those who enjoy kinky sex who don't have a submissive/dominant/switch bone in their body other than the "typical" line-up of their day-to-day behavior along those lines. 
quote:

How do you find the strength to actually give up total control to someone?  Isn't it frightening?  Aren't you afraid you'll do something wrong?
Again, my perspective comes from speaking to others in the life, including my submissives and those who've submitted in a casual manner to me.  For those on a long-term basis, there does not have to be complete and total control of all areas of their life given over to a dominant...that tends to be slavc territory (and no, I am not trying to start the "submissive vs. slave" debate, I am just stating an observation of mine).  There are some submissives who give up total control in some areas, negotiated control in others, and no control over other areas.  You and your dominant partner have to find those areas and explore them to know and, given that you are new to this life, I suggest you do just that.  Explore.  When you don't know what giving up control means, it can be frightening...and if you have always been the one to have complete say in whatever it is you do, it can be more so.  But it might help to stop and think of other areas of your vanilla life where someone else has at least some control over you...your work, your friends, your parents.  Those submissives who've submitted on a casual, short-term basis with me had even more specific areas where they would give control and areas where they would not because they KNEW it was not going to be long-term and the submission was for specific purposes...not always sexual and not always play but in some cases to get through a difficult time that they were having trouble handling.
quote:

What first drew you to the lifestyle?
How do you know if you aren't too 'vanilla' for it?  I've seen things on the site that do not appeal to me at all, and some that actually frighten me.

I'm sure there are other questions I will come up with as I'm naturally curious, but for now I think that's it.  Thank you in advance for the replies.

Joni
What drew me to the lifestyle was an absolute and utter "fed-up with it" attitude towards "equal" interactions with "liberated" women along with having been brought up in a home in which there was an unspoken, unheralded, unknown but accepted D/s dynamic in place.  My mother was a successful woman in the world of business as was my father.  My mother was my father's helpmate and partner against the world and within the world.  My mother yielded to my father because that is what she did...and he dominated because that is what he did.  And so I began to seek that.  Of course, along the way of my life, I had picked up that I had some rather different views of sexual interaction...much of which was repressed during my marriage and then brought back out to play at the end of my "equal say" marriage.

(in reply to Jonquille)
Profile   Post #: 20
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