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Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 6:13:47 PM   
patheticslave69


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/26/2009
Status: offline 		Hey guys.. I have a bit of a dilemma, I wanted to see if anyone can help me and give me some feedback. I have been going out with my current vanilla girlfriend for a year now. Things are great and we are in love. BUT, I find myself masterbating to BDSM porn, and trying to find a Mistress on here because she is not into this (she was a virgin before me, so she is new to sex in general) Anyway, I would never cheat on her, but i don't think BDSM is cheating, as long as there are no sexual vanilla acts (atleast imo anyway) .. With that said, here is my dilemma. Recently, I got her into humiliating me while we have sex, telling me I have a small dick, telling me she is going to fuck someone else, which really turns me on! We also just went to romantic depot and got a vibrator for her (bigger then me) and a little cock cage for me. I don't know if I should keep having her say humiliating things to me like I have a small dick or not. She has told me in the past she doesnt truly think im small and pathetic, that she just says it cuz she knows I like it. My question is, should I continue to have her do this? I mean it excites me so much and she knows, but I just dont want her to eventually leave me, and start to truly believe I have a small dick and im a terrible lover you know? In a way I feel maybe I should just keep it strictly vanilla, no humiliation during sex, and then find a Mistress to serve you know? Should I do that? Or is it ok and fine to have her continually humiliating me? Do you guys think she will stay with me and this is just a fun thing we do during sex that she does to turn me on? Or do you guys think she is gonna say it enough times, start to actually believe it, and then leave me thinking im not adequate for her.. Its like the only expression, you say something so many times you start to actually believe it.. I mean Idk, for all I know she could say it just to turn me on and everything is okay, and our relationship just has that element of bdsm which keeps me satisfied and she doesnt mind at all.. She seems not to mind, but I wanted to get some opinions... Part of me feels go completely vanilla or shell leave me one day.. half of me feels like she is satifying a need I have and if she leaves me for that then it wasn't mean to be anyway... i am so confused, please hellp!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 6:22:54 PM   
LilKittenSub


Posts: 39
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline 		From one sub to another, my personal opinion would be that you give her the choice on whether or not to do it, and stress to her that if she's not comfortable with it, then she doesn't have to. Or leave it out of the nightly play, and only ask for it occasionally. When you keep it as a sporadic thing, there's more room for her to grow used to it, and to also be able to simply enjoy sex without feeling pressured to do things your way. It might also help to ask her about things she's interested in trying, not just BDSM related but in general. Atleast if you're showing you understand that kind of thing my not be appealing to her, and that you're willing to try things she's interested in, you're showing you're interested in more than just getting YOU off.

As for finding a mistress on here, I would think long and hard about that before trying anything, and I would definitely discuss it with her first. If she's not comfortable with you seeing a mistress(be they pro or otherwise), and you want to keep your relationship, don't pursue it while you're in that relationship. Some vanilla people just can't handle you having that itch you want to scratch. My ex was one of those people, and when I asked if he'd be OK with me seeing a pro every so often for a good flogging session or something else that, to me, wasn't sexual, he freaked. And who knows, if she's OK with it, and you find a Domme who is willing to let her attend and watch the sessions, maybe it's something you two can eventually share together?

_____________________________

“How delicious to corrupt, to stifle all semblances of virtue and religion in that young heart!”
--Marquis De Sade

(in reply to patheticslave69)
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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 6:27:34 PM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline 		Erm...don't you think you should be asking her these questions?? Since I am not a mind reader, I have no idea what your girlfriend thinks about you both using humiliation as part of your sex life. Keep in mind that even in BDSM like a regular relationship, open communication is the key. Talk to her, ask her questions, discuss what areas you want to explore and ask her what areas she wants to explore, get her thoughts on where she see's your relationship going;. is it always going to be regular sex with added spice of kinky activities or do you both want to add an element of BDSM to the dynamic and if do: how much?

_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to patheticslave69)
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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 6:27:38 PM   
Elipsis


Posts: 301
Joined: 7/8/2009
Status: offline 		Why don't you find out if she thinks BDSM is cheating.

Have you discussed this with her?

(in reply to LilKittenSub)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 6:28:36 PM   
AndySTL


Posts: 12
Joined: 8/28/2009
Status: offline 		I have had two vanilla relationships last three years...and in the end they both were missing something. If you love the girl you will either get more clever with trying to bring her over to the dark side, or keep jerking off thinking about it. But if you cannot get past it, you need to break up with her and find someone that you can be yourself with. It is not fair to her for you to cheat on her just because she isn't into bdsm. Trust me man, you will get caught, and it won't end pretty. Yes it is cheating, by the way cause you cannot truly submit to a woman with out feeling attraction to her. So in turn, you will be cheating on your girlfriend, cause your heart will end up being in your mistress' hands...or under her boot. Think about it really hard and do what is the right thing for EVERYONE involved. It may be hard, but it is the right thing to do.

(in reply to patheticslave69)
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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 6:32:36 PM   
Hierodule


Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline 		Does anything about it turn her on? Or is she doing it because you ask her? Does she have any reference for the humiliation? Meaning have you put it into a BDSM context for her? Have you ever tried asking her to watch the BDSM porn with you? Maybe if you watch it together she will see something erotic in it too. Maybe she will want to start exploring it more with you. She might not understand that the insults are about establishing her as the Dominant force in the relationship. Maybe if she understands its about power she'd be able to get into it more.


If she hates it and it doesn't turn her on in the slightest it might drive you guys apart if you insist she does it. Not because she will believe the insults but because she doesn't "get off" on it and it might spoil the mood for her. If you love her a lot but she just isn't into it, then serve a Mistress, I guess. But I think you should tell her about it even if there is no sex involved. If you are truly going to keep it non-sexual and she doesn't want to play the Domme role for you then she shouldn't mind. It might not be cheating but if you are really into this is will become a huge part of your life. And you don't hide things like that from a person you truly love. IMHO.

< Message edited by Hierodule -- 10/25/2009 6:34:31 PM >

(in reply to patheticslave69)
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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 6:34:53 PM   
idroolchicksrule


Posts: 64
Joined: 4/6/2007
Status: offline 		TO the OP: If you figure out how to make this work let me know!

(in reply to AndySTL)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 6:36:39 PM   
servantforuse


Posts: 6363
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline 		You have 2 choices. 1) get a new girlfriend. 2) spend the rest of your life wishing you had a different girlfriend.

(in reply to Hierodule)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 6:40:51 PM   
Elipsis


Posts: 301
Joined: 7/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: idroolchicksrule

TO the OP: If you figure out how to make this work let me know!


For what it's worth, it is possible.

I did it for 4 years, but this thread isn't about me.

(in reply to idroolchicksrule)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 6:42:36 PM   
Elipsis


Posts: 301
Joined: 7/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: servantforuse

You have 2 choices. 1) get a new girlfriend. 2) spend the rest of your life wishing you had a different girlfriend.


Strongly disagree.

Option 3, work through it together.  Figure out what works for both of you, and start having fun.

If you really love someone...

(in reply to servantforuse)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 7:07:06 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Part of me feels go completely vanilla or shell leave me one day..


This isn't something you have a choice in - and by the way, BDSM is cheating, 'cuz it's sex - this is something you need, sexually, it is your orientation. All you can do is accept that - you haven't yet - and then talk to her, explain, see if she can feel into it. And no, it isn't all that likely she'll leave you - but you might leave her, if she can't give you what you need...

(in reply to patheticslave69)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 7:14:11 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Nobody on any message board can tell anyone what their partner is going to do.  First of all, none of us are that person.  Second, none of us can predict the future.

It seems to Me that the girlfriend is obliging in a service top kind of way.  You're asking for the kink, she's giving you the kink, so all's well and good.  Ah, but not all is right with the world, is it?  If it was, you wouldn't be looking for a Mistress in addition, now would you? By the way, have you mentioned that bit to the person you are in love with?

A good number of people are against the idea of going behind someone else's back to get their BDSM wants fulfilled.  Even if you say it's not going to be sexual, for a lot of folks, BDSM is very intimate.  Not everyone wants their partner's intimacy shared with someone else.  I see that as being fair to the other person who is sharing your life.  If she expects those intimacies between just you and her, color it any way you want, it's cheating.  The good rule of thumb on it is if you are hiding anything/lying about your activities.

The other option here is to talk with your girlfriend about the possiblity of you having an additional partner for BDSM play.  The two of you should sit down and talk about what is and is not acceptable and go from there.  (A word to the wise here.  Many female Dominants will want to talk to the girlfriend to know if she is really ok with all of this.)  Then, stick to your agreement.  Be as open and honest about your dealings with others as you possibly can be so your girlfriend won't have a reason to distrust you.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Elipsis)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 7:48:01 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elipsis

quote:

ORIGINAL: servantforuse

You have 2 choices. 1) get a new girlfriend. 2) spend the rest of your life wishing you had a different girlfriend.


Strongly disagree.

Option 3, work through it together.  Figure out what works for both of you, and start having fun.

If you really love someone...





I agree.  You taught her about sex, and now you're teaching her about BDSM.  She sounds like she's worth the effort.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Elipsis)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 7:51:23 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Just because you don't think having a nonsexual relationship with a Mistress will be cheating, don't expect her to agree. In fact do expect her to think of it as cheating.

And actually, if you didn't think it was cheating you would have told her about it already.

You need to be honest and open about what you like, not just tell her to tell you certain things but that you want her to be in charge. Because the way it's working now, you're telling her, you're in charge. She's just saying what you want, when you want. What's more submissive than that, especially as she doesn't get off on it?

Be honest, get her a copy of When Someone You Love is Kinky. Show her this website and allow her to educate herself and decide whether she has any dominant tendencies or not.

But stop lying to her, and yes, lying by omission is still lying.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 8:06:18 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		Interesting dilemma.  i've been there many times.

Here are a couple of thoughts for you to consider:

1) If she was a virgin before you, it might not be good to have her doing too much humiliation.  She has no frame of reference.  Someone as inexperience as her may not be ready for what you are asking her to do.  Regular vanilla sex is probably a big step for her.  Remember, her future vanilla boyfriends probably won't appreciate it if she tells them that they have a tiny dick right in the middle of intercourse.  But since you are her first partner, she is learning crucial skills from you. 

2) BDSM definitely IS sex.  i don't know many vanilla girlfriends who approve of their boyfriends engaging in BDSM activities with other women, regardless of whether intercourse is involved.  Most would even consider phone sex to be cheating.

3)  You should be having this conversation with her, not with us.

4)  For a self-proclaimed "sub", you certainly seem to be rather self-centered about this whole thing.  You're pushing her to do what you want, even though it may make her uncomfortable.  That doesn't sound very submissive to me.  Remember, if you're a true submissive, it's all about HER.

(in reply to LilKittenSub)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 8:07:50 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		I can't speak for anyone else, for instance the Mistress you're trying to find, but if some guy wanted me to secretly scratch His itch outside of His so-called loving vanilla relationship, I'd say "Go to hell.  I won't be anyone's dirty little secret."  But hey, that's just me.  You can bet the g/f will think of it as cheating, sex or no sex.  I would anyway.

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to patheticslave69)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 8:57:28 PM   
patheticslave69


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/26/2009
Status: offline 		thanks some of you were VERY helpful.. Elipsis, and Andy, and antipode, you are all right. if she can't accept it, or give me what i need then she isn't the right one for me.. bdsm is my orientation..

i guess i will try to continue to bright her to the dark side and hope it works out.. and if not, it wasnt meant to be..

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 9:04:10 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		TALK WITH HER.

What does SHE want? What does SHE need?

If your needs and desires don't match up well with hers, love will not be enough reason to continue on.

Sometimes love means letting go.


Kudos to you, for coming here before you make the spectacularly bad mistake of going behind her back. Whether you had sex or not, deceiving her would be wrong. 

You're only young once. Don't spend too much of each other's youth, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You won't get that time back. Its better for the both of you to find partners with whom your needs and desires mesh well to begin with.
 

 
 

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to patheticslave69)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 9:32:58 PM   
Elipsis


Posts: 301
Joined: 7/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patheticslave69

thanks some of you were VERY helpful.. Elipsis, and Andy, and antipode, you are all right. if she can't accept it, or give me what i need then she isn't the right one for me.. bdsm is my orientation..

i guess i will try to continue to bright her to the dark side and hope it works out.. and if not, it wasnt meant to be..


Good luck.  Communication is tremendous for situations like yours.  If you want advice there is nothing wrong with asking us but ultimately, as many have said already... it's something the two of you need to work through together.

Just don't start going behind her back, they won't be able to stop me...

(in reply to patheticslave69)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 10:44:57 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: patheticslave69

Hey guys.. I have a bit of a dilemma, I wanted to see if anyone can help me and give me some feedback. I have been going out with my current vanilla girlfriend for a year now. Things are great and we are in love. BUT, I find myself masterbating to BDSM porn, and trying to find a Mistress on here because she is not into this (she was a virgin before me, so she is new to sex in general) Anyway, I would never cheat on her, but i don't think BDSM is cheating, as long as there are no sexual vanilla acts (atleast imo anyway) .. With that said, here is my dilemma. Recently, I got her into humiliating me while we have sex, telling me I have a small dick, telling me she is going to fuck someone else, which really turns me on! We also just went to romantic depot and got a vibrator for her (bigger then me) and a little cock cage for me. I don't know if I should keep having her say humiliating things to me like I have a small dick or not. She has told me in the past she doesnt truly think im small and pathetic, that she just says it cuz she knows I like it. My question is, should I continue to have her do this? I mean it excites me so much and she knows, but I just dont want her to eventually leave me, and start to truly believe I have a small dick and im a terrible lover you know? In a way I feel maybe I should just keep it strictly vanilla, no humiliation during sex, and then find a Mistress to serve you know? Should I do that? Or is it ok and fine to have her continually humiliating me? Do you guys think she will stay with me and this is just a fun thing we do during sex that she does to turn me on? Or do you guys think she is gonna say it enough times, start to actually believe it, and then leave me thinking im not adequate for her.. Its like the only expression, you say something so many times you start to actually believe it.. I mean Idk, for all I know she could say it just to turn me on and everything is okay, and our relationship just has that element of bdsm which keeps me satisfied and she doesnt mind at all.. She seems not to mind, but I wanted to get some opinions... Part of me feels go completely vanilla or shell leave me one day.. half of me feels like she is satifying a need I have and if she leaves me for that then it wasn't mean to be anyway... i am so confused, please hellp!


forget the Mistress, IT IS CHEATING, Ask the g/f so you know for sure


_____________________________

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to patheticslave69)
Profile   Post #: 20
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