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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/25/2009 11:32:09 PM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elipsis

Why don't you find out if she thinks BDSM is cheating.

15 Points.

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Post #: 21

RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/26/2009 12:43:15 AM

Elisabella

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quote:

Anyway, I would never cheat on her, but i don't think BDSM is cheating, as long as there are no sexual vanilla acts (atleast imo anyway)

If you honestly and truly feel that BDSM isn't cheating then you should have no qualms telling her that you're doing nonsexual BDSM stuff with someone else.

Right?

Right.

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Post #: 22

RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/26/2009 1:11:36 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

If you honestly and truly feel that BDSM isn't cheating then you should have no qualms telling her that you're doing nonsexual BDSM stuff with someone else.

Right?

Right.

10 Points.

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I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
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Post #: 23

RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/26/2009 1:25:24 AM

SweetDommes

Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
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Yeah ... our ex didn't think that having absolutely vulgar conversations with other women online was cheating ... neither was saying that one of them was the love of his life (seriously - he said he didn't think it was cheating, that he was only "joking around") ... but yet he was hiding it from us, so he KNEW it was wrong. You cant' have it both ways.

Others suggested the book "when someone you love is kinky" - get it, read it, share it with her ... read it together, even. Show her this site and others that have people who are realistic about the lifestyle (I would advise avoiding sites that are extreme - you want her to explore and experiment, not run screaming).

Above all: TALK TO HER. Let her know how you feel and don't hide it or lie to her - that right there is cheating ... cheating both her, and yourself out of a truly happy, loving and harmonious relationship where both of you get your needs fullfilled.

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RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/26/2009 3:22:19 PM

OrionAndi

Posts: 73
Joined: 9/18/2009
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Im not going to linger on the cheating thing, its been said enough for you to take it in.. I hope!

moving on, Like everyone said! talk to her.. tell her why you like her humiliating you, ask her if it turns her on ect..

She sounds like she could have a little "streek" in her, honestly if orion was to ask me to tell him he had a small dick i would have a major difficulty in saying.doing it.. I dont have that verbal dominant streek in me behind the bedroom door, we have been switching roles recently but im still uncomfortable with the verbal side of it.. the rest is groovie!

So i reckon work on it... ask her to say some new things, slightly more humiliating things.. maybe ask her to spank you.. see how she reacts, if she does it quite happily then your on the right road. also after "the act" talk about what you have both just done, tell her you loved it, encourage her. Definitly get her to watch a BDSM video, obviously not too extreme as it may freak her out, but something beginner maybe. Because she is new to it you will need to take it slow and have abit of patience

Oooh hope it works out!

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Post #: 25

RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/26/2009 9:20:28 PM

subinchico

Posts: 119
Joined: 1/6/2008
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Hierodule, asks the perfect question here!!,, All responses above are also preety much perfect. You have a year of vanilla to base you adventure into somnething different. I just hope and even maybe pray u have the guts/self esteem to go for it and if rejected feel you're stgill a fiine human (u havn't killed anyone/thing larger than a rat, lol, i hope)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hierodule

Does anything about it turn her on? Or is she doing it because you ask her? Does she have any reference for the humiliation? Meaning have you put it into a BDSM context for her? Have you ever tried asking her to watch the BDSM porn with you? Maybe if you watch it together she will see something erotic in it too. Maybe she will want to start exploring it more with you. She might not understand that the insults are about establishing her as the Dominant force in the relationship. Maybe if she understands its about power she'd be able to get into it more.

If she hates it and it doesn't turn her on in the slightest it might drive you guys apart if you insist she does it. Not because she will believe the insults but because she doesn't "get off" on it and it might spoil the mood for her. If you love her a lot but she just isn't into it, then serve a Mistress, I guess. But I think you should tell her about it even if there is no sex involved. If you are truly going to keep it non-sexual and she doesn't want to play the Domme role for you then she shouldn't mind. It might not be cheating but if you are really into this is will become a huge part of your life. And you don't hide things like that from a person you truly love. IMHO.

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Post #: 26

RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/27/2009 11:43:06 AM

beltainefaerie

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
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Usually there is some give and take in any relationships. If she is comfortable indulging your fantasies, have at it. Be sure not to leave it one-sided, though. Ask her what she thinks about, what she would like you to do to her. Explore and play. Since she is new to sex, let her discover all kinds of things and see what turns her on.

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Post #: 27

RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/27/2009 12:15:00 PM

Lucienne

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Joined: 9/5/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: patheticslave69
I don't know if I should keep having her say humiliating things to me like I have a small dick or not. She has told me in the past she doesnt truly think im small and pathetic, that she just says it cuz she knows I like it. My question is, should I continue to have her do this? I mean it excites me so much and she knows, but I just dont want her to eventually leave me, and start to truly believe I have a small dick and im a terrible lover you know?

This strikes me as a strange concern to have. You're not brainwashing her, she just saying stuff to get you off. There are dozens of reasons why she could leave you, but I don't think becoming convinced you have a small dick or are a bad lover through sheer repetition of the words is on the list of reasons.

I'll do verbal humiliation upon request, but I require guidance. I don't personally get off on calling a guy a "dirty slut," but it's exciting to see how he responds to being called that. It sounds like your girlfriend is pretty comfortable with the current situation. As long as she feels comfortable enough with you to express dislike or disinterest in certain acts, I wouldn't worry about her leaving you over this stuff. It's where she feels pressured or senses your dissatisfaction that you need to be worried about.

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Post #: 28

RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/27/2009 3:32:56 PM

Peregrinus1716

Posts: 14
Joined: 7/26/2009
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My advice is talk to her about things and depending on how she reacts go slowly from there. I've had a few experinces with the conflict of vanilla verse kink in my relationships the only thing i can say is go slow discuss things and most of all if she agrees to try things both of you should do some home work into your kinks. also it might help if you find out if there are some things she wants to try that you aren't doing for her.

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Post #: 29

RE: Vanilla Girlfriend Question - 10/27/2009 4:12:46 PM

sub2pleaseyou88

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Joined: 9/29/2007
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All I know is if you're in a relationship with someone and thinking about another... the relationship won't last unless you lie to yourself about your happiness! And the other thing is that most people want instant results... Hurry up let's get there instead of watering a little and allowing the seed to grow. Give it time and keep watering and watch her grow into the perfect Mistress you love to hate!

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Post #: 30