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How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable? **... - 10/26/2009 8:28:13 PM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline 		Hello Everyone~

It's been quite some time since I posted here, and  I was hoping you all could give me some insight...

( Edited from a journal posting on another site)

As some of you may know, I’ve recently (well, not recently any longer) gone through a breakup.


What’s different about this one is that I’ve had such trouble getting over it. It’s nagged at me, haunted me. Instead of him dumping me… it’s almost like he died or something.


I’ve had to fight very, VERY hard not to idealize him. Saint him, even. Right after the break-up (dumping, with me being the dump-ee. I need to quit trying to put a pretty face on it.) I was commiserating to one of my friends and -- I swear-- the best thing she said was “I don’t think we need to say nice things about him right now.”


Why was I/ am I (because I’m not so sure I’m done yet. Like the alcoholic that’s 12 hours sober, I have high hopes-- but I’m hanging on by my fingernails) …Why was I idealizing him? What was it about him?

I think I’ve put my finger on it.


It was the way he made me feel.

Silly isn’t it?

It wasn’t HIM at all. It was ME.


(It's taken me about a month and a half--lord, maybe longer??-- to come to THAT.)


It’s like with him, I gave myself permission to be beautiful. I was allowed to be desirable.


Not because I was any more beautiful with him, not because I suddenly became more desirable…because someone else found me that way. His attention, his desire for me…even his lust… made me feel valid.


I find that heartbreaking.


How have I gotten to the point that I wasn’t allowed to find myself beautiful? I wasn’t desirable until someone looked at me? Why is that?


I want to be able to make MYSELF feel like he made me feel. Beautiful and desirable. I want to own my feelings, and be present, always, in my life. I don’t want to give all of that power to someone. Not that power of my self image, and self esteem. That’s mine.


How do I make myself feel desirable and beautiful? And honestly, this isn’t an outside thing. This is stuff that comes from the inside.

Hobbies seem rather meaningless in the face of something so big. Distraction doesn’t really work. I want to get to the bottom of this, but I don’t know how.


How can I make myself feel beautiful? How can I make myself feel desirable?

Is it just giving myself permission to see those things within myself? If I say “Ok, you ARE beautiful. You ARE desirable.”… does it just happen?

I guess we’ll see.

I don't want to bounce from man to man, looking for this fulfillment within them. I want to have it in me.


How do I get it?

Thanks for any help you can give....

~anne


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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/26/2009 8:38:51 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelforAnne

How do you make yourself feel beautiful/desirable?



Alcohol.



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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/26/2009 8:47:03 PM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline 		HaHAha!

... You know, that's the ONE THING I have not tried....

Hmmm....



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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/26/2009 8:55:09 PM   
BadJezebel


Posts: 138
Joined: 4/29/2006
Status: offline 		Hi Anne,

This posting is close to my heart. I've been through this and I think most women have. Now, I'm confident and feel beautiful most of the time. That being said, let me tell you some of the things that worked for me:

Physically: Take care of yourself. Really, take care of yourself. Everytime you use a moisturizer and rub it over your skin, spritz on perfume or give yourself a manicure, you will remember that you are worth taking care of. Everytime you dress yourself pretty (and try to do it almost every day) you will remember that you are pretty. Excercise so that you remember that you can shape your body and keep it healthy so that you feel good. Eat well so that you keep your mood up (no junk food and get proper nutrition).

Emotionally: Surround yourself with positive friends. A good support network is important. Remember to do things that make you feel good. Make sure that you talk to new people (a little small talk at a checkout line will do) even if you don't want to "get involved" just to feel like you've still "got it".

Mentally: Every day, in the mirror, take a look at yourself and say a couple positive things about yourself (Ideally, out loud). Also, smile at people and they will smile back at you. It will remind you that you are valued even by strangers.

Spiritually: Figure out who you really are, and what your strengths are and make sure that you share them with the people around you. Connect with your higher-self and purpose.

Finally, I strongly recommend a dance class not just so that you can learn how to shake your ass and shape your body and give you energy but so that you can do something for your physical self while norishing a mind-body connection.

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/26/2009 8:57:11 PM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
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Status: offline 		Paragraphs.

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/26/2009 8:57:17 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		anne, sweetie, I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work.

I don't know that to tell you.  I've spent time with you and really enjoyed it.  It was mostly your fizzy personality, but your looks as well.  And when you went to the party in that slinky black hose... Yowza.

I've had that argument with female subs before.  I tell them that if I am their Dom and consider them attractive, that they are to the one man that matters.  But there is something in the way that they're programmed that just won't accept that.


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Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/26/2009 8:58:52 PM   
Lostkitten3


Posts: 179
Joined: 10/17/2008
Status: offline 		Women need to feel beautiful to other women.

I use lotion daily and force myself to look in the mirror without thinking bad things

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/26/2009 9:04:12 PM   
wildangel3825


Posts: 15
Joined: 5/14/2006
Status: offline 		Make sure you look your best every day...when you feel good...people notice. Confidence comes from within and if you know you look your best it will show in the way you carry yourself. You will be surprised it works. Go out with your girlfriends and flirt...do not take anyone home, you need to heal. Just the act of going out, looking your best, having fun and smiling at people will make you feel better. The confirmation of having people smile back and flirt with you is even better! You are dealing with alot of emotion. it will all come back. Also know you will feel that way with someone else again, it is not a feeling that is lost to you forever.

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/26/2009 11:29:17 PM   
FelineFae


Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline 		Buy new socks.
Go to a park, lake, or nature preserve.
Stretch every muscle.
Relax in the beauty around you.
Remember that you are a part of it.

Later go home and look up sofas under $50.oo on ebay.
Laugh at the ugly sofas. my favourite so far was hot pink.

Hope this can help.

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/26/2009 11:33:49 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		Surround yourself with a good support network & get out and do things with friends.  Smile.  That really does make people look better, and people smile back too, which makes us feel better.  Learn to like your own company if you haven't yet.  Try to dress in pretty and flattering clothes and try a spray of perfume or apply make-up if you're not allergic.  It doesn't have to be a lot, just enough to make you feel attractive.  And, yes, try a dance class, or if you already know how to dance, just go and do so.  After my Sir died, a Dom friend told me to do all these things and it really is helping me to crawl out of my black hole and start to live again.  Booze doesn't really help cause after you sober up you feel even shittier.

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/27/2009 1:11:54 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		I definitely can relate to what you are going through Anne.  Some things that worked for me included taking time each night to pamper myself with a luxurious body cream, walking with my shoulders straight and a smile on my face even if it was the last thing I wanted to do, putting on a bright red lipstick and engaging strangers in conversation, even if only to say have a lovely day to someone that served me. And yes, talking to friends helped a lot




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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/27/2009 2:34:47 AM   
devilishpixie


Posts: 1044
Joined: 10/15/2009
Status: offline 		Getting drunk often times will make you feel worse, at least it did for me. It brought out my insecurities even more.
I struggle daily with my self image and being happy with the skin that I am in. For me even working out helps. Sounds silly but I dont always feel beautiful because of my weight, so when i work out i feel like I am working towards my goal. Plus after I am showered and clean i love to put lotion on, a bit of perfume, some mascara and dress in close that are comfy but flattering. Each day look at yourself in the mirror and name one thing you like about yourself, after awhile it wont be so hard to see those things.

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/27/2009 4:07:22 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Some of this is going to sound superficial:

Buy some pretty lingerie in colors you love which make you feel fizzy (as Steven put it) inside.
Go for a professional bra fitting. Most women wear the wrong size and there is a visible difference when you are wearing the right size.

Volunteer somewhere preferably working with people; my maternal grandmother always said pretty is as pretty does.
The smile you will be bringing to their face ... that is beauty shared, because of something positive you have done.
If you choose to work with animals, again, they are loving you for being you...and for giving them love and attention.

Take a belly-dancing class.

The secret is that you are beautiful.
You just need to reflect it without using someone else to do it.


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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/27/2009 4:12:37 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Affirmations. Write a list of ten beautiful things about yourself. Hair, skin, bewbage, ankles etc. Post it on the bathroom mirror. You want to read the good things instead of staring in the mirror looking for bad points.

Unfortunately we're taught to look for the bad, and then put on makeup to 'hide the flaws' which means we early on develop the characteristic of zeroing in on the one tiny flaw and ignoring all the good.  So start focusing on the good. Admire the curl in your hair, the way you can strut in high heels, the softness of your skin etc.

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/27/2009 4:41:34 AM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline 		I just wanted to send out a quick note of thanks to everyone.  I'll reply more in depth after work....

*smile*

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BDSM is what two people at the moment decide it should be...
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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/27/2009 4:50:51 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Anne if you figure it out, hats off to you..... i think i'm like one step up from a burn victim so i have no advice.

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/27/2009 5:08:13 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelforAnne

How can I make myself feel beautiful? How can I make myself feel desirable?


perhaps you are discounting your wiring. people have different motivators and yours is your partner. don't ignore the obvious. this should be one of the indicators you use when selecting someone else going forward. that feeling you speak of that they are able to elicit from you that you're probably not getting from a relative stranger. the insight you've gained on this account is good.

as for altering this and adjusting your mindset, that isn't going to happen overnight. especially if you see these acts as drudgery or consider them as necessary components of dating. some people are perfectly content not doing these things. i don't know your background, but when i was a child i had to do a lot. one of the things i learned was about personal style and the look you prefer. this helped me to understand if i was going to be the type to make a fuss or a jeans and sneakers girl with barely a smidgen of makeup. consider this first and foremost. telling you to purchase lingerie when you'd rather have silky pajamas is pointless. what makes you feel comfortable? do you need to look sexy to feel sexy, or just be dressed smart/comfortable/etc. instead?

people speak of makeup and skin regimes abound. again, i opt for simplicity and being honest about the time and money you want to invest in this. if you've never spent more than fifteen minutes applying makeup save for a special event or night out, it is probable you're not going to change that pattern overnight. therefore, you seek brands that give you the kind of coverage you're seeking without a million steps and an hour in front of the mirror. they exist! you might like laura mercier if this is your thing. her tinted moisturizer and a bit of lip color will carry you through the day effortlessly.

i'm a huge advocate for destressing and one of the methods i use is spa visits. having a facial will make your skin glow and radiate. especially with the colder months approaching which can leave you looking blah. having a massage is a wonderful treat and it is something you could do every month. removing the tension and allowing someone else to take care of you is a good start. maintaining your manicures and pedicures are other simple ways that keep parts of the body looking pretty that people notice.

look at your surroundings. do you have things at home that inspire comfort, beauty, or maybe a hint of indulgence? if not, add some. candles, pillows, flowers, or a nice cashmere throw can add some pizazz to your environment. i favor diptyque candles and they can be found in many places. you have to pick and choose your treats and be committed to doing something for yourself every month.

i also turn to reading materials when i'm seeking ideas. i have this book and it is very nice:
wear more cashmere

best of luck to you.

porcelaine


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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/27/2009 5:48:27 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelforAnne


It’s like with him, I gave myself permission to be beautiful. I was allowed to be desirable.


Not because I was any more beautiful with him, not because I suddenly became more desirable…because someone else found me that way. His attention, his desire for me…even his lust… made me feel valid.


I find that heartbreaking.



~anne



I find it quite natural actually. If someone is actively desiring me, yes, it absolutely makes me feel  desirable. It's a nice boost to be desired, and for me, it's NOT something I can create for myself. Nothing can make me feel desirable in the way that actively BEING desired can.

I also think it's quite natural to miss feeling that way, when someone who has provided it disappears. Having someone that you love and regard lusting after you, wanting you and showing you that they think you're attractive....both physically or mentally, is a pretty natural ego boost.

I can't make myself *feel* what M makes me feel because it's him, the way he behaves, what he says, how he regards me that does that. It doesn't mean that I feel dead ugly and rubbish without it , but I can't re-create THAT part without him. I don't mind admitting that some of my self-esteem is derived from him...again , it seems quite a natural thing to me,

If ALL of my self esteem or confidence was wrapped up in it, that's a very different thing altogether.........but I'd say that if M, who I absolutely worship in an almost obsessive way, dumped me ..........I'd be as crushed as hell for a very long time and I'd very likely spend an amount of time questioning everything about myself.

You can make yourself feel as good as you can make yourself feel.........but you can't make yourself feel the way others can. Methinks.

agirl





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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/27/2009 5:51:04 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		I don't care much about being beautiful. Been there, done that, hated every insecure and vain moment of it. I just care these days about being useful. It works for me. :)

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RE: How do you make yourself feel beautiful/ desirable?... - 10/27/2009 7:22:08 AM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline 		Anne, as you clearly say in your OP, it's your feelings, feeling more beautifull and loved, that you are holding on ( addicted ) to. We all do it. Practice letting go. It's hard, but, it can be done, and, it is necessary in living a balanced and happy life. Everything constanly changes and, ultimately, dissappears.

Best Wishes to you.

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti



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