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explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 7:17:04 AM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		i was recently granted the privilege of becoming slave for my Mistress. since then i have had to attempt to explain the difference of being in a M/s relationship and that of S&M, for my Mistress and i its both as She is a sadist and i a masochist. unfortunately i have run into many who think that its the same and wont be changed on the subject. has any on here had similar problems in getting others to understand the differences of the two?
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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 7:31:38 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		I can't say I've ever had much of a problem explaining, no.

Sometimes people won't understand because they simply can't. They have ideas that they find hard to shift.

What you are to each other isn't the sum of the activities you take part in. So, M/s is what you are ..... S/M is what you do.( she said , stating the very obvious)

Plenty of people think that  D/s, M/s is about kinky stuff, beatings, sexy clothes, nipple clamps and oodles of that type of thing and frankly, even having been around for a very long time , I'd forgive anyone having that idea.

agirl



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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 7:32:39 AM   
AnnaOfAramis


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< Message edited by AnnaOfAramis -- 10/27/2009 7:37:21 AM >

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 7:40:41 AM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		the experiences i have had so far are real time face to face. granted i expect some level of pigheadedness but even discussing for some time they just don't get it.

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 7:43:00 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

What you are to each other isn't the sum of the activities you take part in. So, M/s is what you are ..... S/M is what you do.


This.

Hope you're well, clip.. stay safe....


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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 8:07:18 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

the experiences i have had so far are real time face to face. granted i expect some level of pigheadedness but even discussing for some time they just don't get it.


Seriously......I just accept that there are some things that people find difficult to understand in the way you'd like them to.

It can be a bit difficult , when you're on the *inside* so to speak , to *see* how people on the outside see things too.

The bottom line is though, that some people will NOT be able to *get* what you're trying to explain, even if you carefully try over and over and over. I find it a waste of time to try continuously unless someone is genuinely wanting to understand, and even THEN, there's no guarantee they'll really be able to.

I probably come at it from a slightly different angle ....... I tend to assume that people WILL find it a bit of a bend to understand my relationship and what takes place within it, and am pleasantly surprised when they do *get it*.

agirl







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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 8:13:44 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

i was recently granted the privilege of becoming slave for my Mistress. since then i have had to attempt to explain the difference of being in a M/s relationship and that of S&M, for my Mistress and i its both as She is a sadist and i a masochist. unfortunately i have run into many who think that its the same and wont be changed on the subject. has any on here had similar problems in getting others to understand the differences of the two?


Being in a Ms relationship, we have had people automatically assume that Master is a sadist and I am a masochist, however I have not come across people who confuse and Ms relationship with a SM one and be stubborn about it.

the.dark.

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 10:13:07 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Don't talk about the sadistic activities. Talk about doing things like lawn care, cooking, filing, etc. If they try to come back to s & m, just down play the amount of time available for that and talk about the pain from a paper cut while filing.

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 12:08:24 PM   
Hierodule


Posts: 597
Joined: 9/22/2009
Status: offline 		I'm having a similar problem with a lot of my friends.They don't necessarily insist that M/s is the same as S&M They just make assumptions about our relationship based on stereotypes. They say "Don't you ever just want to talk to him like a normal person?" or don't you ever just want to have sex without all that preparation?" I kind of laugh about it. Our sex life isn't all plastic wrap and wax and we talk like normal people all the time. No matter what I say they don't get it. I gave up and just refer to him as my bf now. Makes things easier.

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 1:08:06 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip
i was recently granted the privilege of becoming slave for my Mistress. since then i have had to attempt to explain the difference of being in a M/s relationship and that of S&M, for my Mistress and i its both as She is a sadist and i a masochist. unfortunately i have run into many who think that its the same and wont be changed on the subject. has any on here had similar problems in getting others to understand the differences of the two?
This situation you're addressing describes Carol & I to a T. No S&M, plenty of M&S *laughs*.

For some people, BDSM and S&M are synonymous -- you cannot have one without the other. I get that and once again since we're in a land of undefined terminology, my viewpoint is no more "right" than theirs. Such a person might well say, "That doesn't sound like Master/slave to me. That sounds more like traditional marriage." I'm perfectly happy with a description of Carol that sounds like, obedient wife. At that point, the needs of communication are served and I have a term that works for that person. Granted, I'm more impressed with folks who can just do that in their own head (as I do constantly in mine).

However, once we got past label differences, if I'm talking to someone who cannot or will not understand the difference between authority itself and the purposes to which that authority is turned, then that person is too stupid for me to waste further time on. I'd chalk them up to "lost in fantasy" and move on to someone more compatible with me.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/27/2009 2:17:03 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline 		I think I'd explain that M/s can exist without having ANY "tie-up-and-spank" in there at all. Just as the reverse is true - you can be totally into S&M without a power exchange relationship. If people don't "get" that I dunno how you'd explain it further.

Who are you trying to explain to?

I like to remind people about Dr. Stephen R. Covey's concept from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, where he discusses various circles that impact your life. The Circle of Concern are matters which may concern you, but which you realistically can't do much about, and people who you may be in contact with, but who have little or no impact on your life.  The Circle of Influence is all about things that you can directly affect, and people whose opinions do matter very much because they affect your life in real ways, such as your spouse, your employer, your family.

If these are people whose opinions about the difference between M/s vs. BDSM fall outside your Circle of Influence then just stop trying to explain. If these are people that matter to you and who do fall into your Circle of Influence, tell us a little more about who they are and who they are to you and maybe we can help you figure out a better way to explain.

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/28/2009 10:06:43 AM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		most of the dunderhead ed ones are the ones that ask me about it in the first place. if you ask me a question on something that you have already made your mind up on why bother me with it.

(in reply to Drifa)
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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/28/2009 10:29:21 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hello clip,
*hope all is well where you are!*

For Men Master and woman submissive... I tell people it's like old fashioned relationships.  Perhaps that would be good - old fashioned only opposite?

Remember, you can't fix stupid.

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/28/2009 1:21:03 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

i was recently granted the privilege of becoming slave for my Mistress. since then i have had to attempt to explain the difference of being in a M/s relationship and that of S&M



Sorry, but maybe I'm missing something here... you "had" to according to who?!!  More likely you haven't "had" to do anything, and simply "choose" to. 

In our view, there's a reason for the use of the expressions "Personal Life" and "Private Life". It's nobody's business but your own.  I mean really... who gives a shit if someone else doesn't understand; it's YOUR personal/private life, yes/no?!!

I don't ask my friends what they do in their bedroom/relationship, so I don't feel the need to explain what I do in mine... ever!!!  For 'nillas that ask, I reply, "What the fuck do YOU care what WE do?!!"  If they persist, stating they're just "curious", then they get a reply like, "It's a simple dynamic... one simply does WHATEVER the other orders. Period."  If they're interested in learning more about the dynamic, I point them to Google/the Internet.  If, and ONLY if, they appear to have done some leg work (i.e., indicating they're truly serious about engaging in this type of dynamic) will I spend some time addressing questions.  It's not our job to be someone else's wank-fodder.



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It's only kinky the first time!!!

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/28/2009 1:23:23 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

most of the dunderhead ed ones are the ones that ask me about it in the first place. if you ask me a question on something that you have already made your mind up on why bother me with it.


So to these why not say "If you have to ask, you won't understand". Won't win you any friends but will get rid of the idiots quicker!

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/28/2009 1:53:15 PM   
Wolf2Bear


Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

i was recently granted the privilege of becoming slave for my Mistress. since then i have had to attempt to explain the difference of being in a M/s relationship and that of S&M



Sorry, but maybe I'm missing something here... you "had" to according to who?!!  More likely you haven't "had" to do anything, and simply "choose" to. 

In our view, there's a reason for the use of the expressions "Personal Life" and "Private Life". It's nobody's business but your own.  I mean really... who gives a shit if someone else doesn't understand; it's YOUR personal/private life, yes/no?!!

I don't ask my friends what they do in their bedroom/relationship, so I don't feel the need to explain what I do in mine... ever!!!  For 'nillas that ask, I reply, "What the fuck do YOU care what WE do?!!"  If they persist, stating they're just "curious", then they get a reply like, "It's a simple dynamic... one simply does WHATEVER the other orders. Period."  If they're interested in learning more about the dynamic, I point them to Google/the Internet.  If, and ONLY if, they appear to have done some leg work (i.e., indicating they're truly serious about engaging in this type of dynamic) will I spend some time addressing questions.  It's not our job to be someone else's wank-fodder.




I have to ask: where do you draw the line and feel to explain and educate someone who has a genuine interest to know the authentic differences between D/s and S&M? The kink comminity which I am involved with has many members who are exploring and granted they can google yet it is also good to hear first hand knowledge from us who do understand the difference between dominance, submission, S&M etc. In many ways I see that us "older' "experienced kinksters should be willing to impart the knowledge we learned to ones who don't know and are unsure where to start looking and wanting to learn the proper methods face to face instead of reading sources off the internet that could be questionable.


_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/28/2009 1:54:48 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		i would find it rude if people asked me about my sex life... well... those outside the lifestyle.  im sure they would quickly tell you it was none of your business if you asked them the same kind of questions.

~grins

give it a try next time they ask you.  switch the question back on them.  wont take them long to get the hint.

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RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
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Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/28/2009 2:45:23 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
i would find it rude if people asked me about my sex life...


Miss Manners would agree, I expect.

As a lesbian, every so often I get strangely inappropriate questions from either friends or an occasional co-worker that amount to "how do lesbians have sex?" They are curious and haven't applied any imagination to the possibilities.

I've never gotten any in-depth questions about kink. I suspect it's because most people have a vision in their head of the classic "black leather, shackles, tie-up-and-spank" fetish thing, and they think they know all.

I approach impertinent questions about my personal life based on my understanding of why the person asked me. My answers can range from
  • "I think your asking me for such intimate details is WILDLY inappropriate".
  • "Why exactly do you want this information? Were you planning on asking me out? If so, I must respectfully decline."
  • "Fuck off you moron!"
All the way to a thoughtful discussion of WITWD.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/28/2009 6:13:31 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

quote:

ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip

i was recently granted the privilege of becoming slave for my Mistress. since then i have had to attempt to explain the difference of being in a M/s relationship and that of S&M



Sorry, but maybe I'm missing something here... you "had" to according to who?!!  More likely you haven't "had" to do anything, and simply "choose" to. 

In our view, there's a reason for the use of the expressions "Personal Life" and "Private Life". It's nobody's business but your own.  I mean really... who gives a shit if someone else doesn't understand; it's YOUR personal/private life, yes/no?!!

I don't ask my friends what they do in their bedroom/relationship, so I don't feel the need to explain what I do in mine... ever!!!  For 'nillas that ask, I reply, "What the fuck do YOU care what WE do?!!"  If they persist, stating they're just "curious", then they get a reply like, "It's a simple dynamic... one simply does WHATEVER the other orders. Period."  If they're interested in learning more about the dynamic, I point them to Google/the Internet.  If, and ONLY if, they appear to have done some leg work (i.e., indicating they're truly serious about engaging in this type of dynamic) will I spend some time addressing questions.  It's not our job to be someone else's wank-fodder.




I have to ask: where do you draw the line and feel to explain and educate someone who has a genuine interest to know the authentic differences between D/s and S&M? The kink comminity which I am involved with has many members who are exploring and granted they can google yet it is also good to hear first hand knowledge from us who do understand the difference between dominance, submission, S&M etc.



1)  I "draw the line" when I believe someone has a "genuine interest" in learning via the manner stated above/earlier, and is not simply treating our dynamic like a day at the zoo.  If they can't be bothered to do a little research on their own, then they're obviously not "genuine" (or serious) in their "interest".

2)  I believe the OP is referencing 'nilla folks, not fellow BDSMers

3)  As stated above, I referenced 'nillas, not fellow BDSMers


quote:


In many ways I see that us "older' "experienced kinksters should be willing to impart the knowledge we learned to ones who don't know and are unsure where to start looking and wanting to learn the proper methods face to face instead of reading sources off the internet that could be questionable.


I stated above, "I point them to Google/the Internet".  To clarify, I point them to certain sites for more information, and suggest they Google a few different things.  Again, if they can't do this much, then they're really not interested and I can't be bothered. 

I should also state, whenever we see a profile here on CollarMe (or other BDSM sites) where the person/newbie is specifically stating they're "new" and seeking to "learn", we have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG email filled with info and links we frequently send to such individuals.  Why?  Because by the very nature of having a profile here, they've obviously done the leg work to find this site, and have also openly stated they're interested in learning and seeking advice. 

This is far differnet than some 'nilla asking, "Soooooo... what do y'all do when you're in the sack, and what's with all the whipping/beating stuff?!!"



< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 10/28/2009 6:20:36 PM >

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RE: explaining difference of S&M and M/s - 10/28/2009 9:20:11 PM   
FelineFae


Posts: 7756
Joined: 1/23/2009
From: i do wander everywhere...
Status: offline 		Hmm, well, sometimes people want something that distracts them from the drama and general unhappiness of their own lives. So they look to people with lives very unlike theirs. Then they nit-pick and belittle everything they don't understand to try and raise esteem for their own existance.

Imho, explaining the difference is only a waste of time, because it won't benifit either you or them. i've found the best things to do with these people is politely tell them it's a private matter, then smile.

Hope this helps, and best of luck-

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