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RE: Trust - 10/29/2009 8:10:10 AM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

I actually am really introverted and shy myself, though most people are not aware of it. I realized that this was limiting me both in private life and professionally, so I turned to Toastmasters back in college. I can't recommend it enough! I still feel stress and apprehension dealing with people I don't know face-to-face, but Toastmasters helped me learn ways to overcome my own anxieties. My Lady, on the other hand, is a huge extrovert and would (as I tell her playfully) talk to a stump if she thought the stump would listen. I've noticed this as a tendency in several strong women in my life /laughs.

Meanwhile, on the kink side of things, munches and the like stressed me out because again, its socializing with people I don't know face-to-face. I've found that this list has been helpful to me in having an outlet to ask questions and chatter. Aside from the list, I found I can attend kink workshops or the occasional kink convention without the anxiety. The workshops are not any less face-to-face or social than a munch, but for whatever reason I feel less stress in that conceptual space. To find workshops, Google for "BDSM" and towns in your local area. BDSM clubs and bookstores are great places to find out about munches, workshops, and so forth. You can also contact people coordinating munches, as others have suggested, and ask them about workshops.

I also have to mention that most of my close friends are NOT kinky, or LGBT. That's because I tend to form my close friendships with people who engage in the same activities I do. So I have friends in academia, friends in medieval re-enactment, friends who play MMORPGs. Some of these people are as close to me as my family. Once the friendship has been established, these are people who I can talk to about anything, including emotional and relationship issues.

About 16 years ago, a bunch of my straight, non-kink friends got together and decided to stage an intervention and find me someone to date who would not be bad for me. They asked around and networked and next thing you know, they'd maneuvered me and my Lady together at a campout. We hit it off there, in a completely non-kink, non-sexual environment, and we have been together ever since.

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Post #: 21

RE: Trust - 10/29/2009 9:31:08 AM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anewme4u2c

i have tried to do this for quite some time now and i must ask: how does a submissive male that just wants to find a friend to trust and confide in go about doing so without feeling forced to attend a munch and meet many others that offer nothing...if that makes sense.
i dont want to seem like i am trolling...but um....i am looking for a friend that i can Trust.

greetings,

i believe friendships develop organically in some regard, although you can intentionally put yourself in the presence of persons that edify the things you're seeking to learn and/or experience within the lifestyle. as someone new it would be sensible to have some diversity. opting for experienced persons and those like yourself that will share similar challenges. i have recently altered my approach and will share what i've done.

all of my friends are involved in the lifestyle in some manner. however, i have a second circle that i consider truly lifestyle oriented instead. i developed this when i decided to return to my slavery and it is still being fine tuned. i'm willing to discuss generalities with a select few. this is typically related to the mundane, possibly a prospect, but nothing too intimate. in regard to my slavery and questions i may have about my path i have limited myself to one person. i hold her in high esteem and we are a lot alike. she lives the dynamic i seek and has done so for years. her character is beautiful and she has a lot to teach and willingly shares, but in a manner that resonates with me. i'm also friendly with her Owner as well and they are people i highly respect.

outside of the two there's one other i will converse with and she's married and walking the path i'm on as well. one of my best friends is a constant and she usually hears all, the pretty and down right ugly, but i trust her implicitly. otherwise i really avoid getting into specifics. i believe it only serves to confuse the person. i have found the presence of too many voices to be a hindrance to my submission.

my first point of contact must always be the Owner and i work downwards from that point now. it was a change i implemented recently in response to some mistakes i made. i keep the circle small and tight and this works for me. outside associations are fine and i relish them and find them meaningful, but i do think distinctions should be made so you're not exposed to a zillion ideas that might leave you more confused than you were in the beginning. i wish you luck in your path.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

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Post #: 22

RE: Trust - 10/29/2009 2:37:37 PM

pixelslave

Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anewme4u2c

i have tried to do this for quite some time now and i must ask: how does a submissive male that just wants to find a friend to trust and confide in go about doing so without feeling forced to attend a munch and meet many others that offer nothing...if that makes sense.
i dont want to seem like i am trolling...but um....i am looking for a friend that i can Trust.
thank you.

To the OP,
The bold emphasis above is mine. I'd strongly recommend you don't make the assumption that others you may meet at a munch have nothing to offer you in the way of friendship or something you can learn from meeting and talking with them. At the same time, I might ask, what do you have to offer them in the way of friendship or at least interesting conversation??

The essence of my message is that unless you can be a friend to someone else, they're unlikely to be a friend to you. Are you really open to friendship? With the attitude that there are people who will be there who have nothing to offer, I'd expect you're body language is sending the message to anyone you might meet that you're not open to them. As others have suggested, perhaps if you change your thinking, you might just just meet that friend you're seeking.

That being said, I wouldn't expect them to come looking for you.

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

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Post #: 23

RE: Trust - 10/29/2009 5:45:26 PM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anewme4u2c

how does a submissive male that just wants to find a friend to trust and confide in go about doing so without feeling forced to attend a munch and meet many others that offer nothing

Finding a friend to trust and confide in doesn't happen overnight. No one is forcing you to attend a munch but if you're looking to make kinky friend...that would be the best place to start. I'm curious, though, what do you mean by "meet many others that offer nothing"? If you go to a munch with expectations of finding a BFF right off the bat or anything like that, you will be setting yourself up for failure. Likewise, if you assume no one has anything to offer, you may want to ask yourself what do you have to offer them?

quote:

i am looking for someone that has no reason to judge me. simply put. someone that will appreciate the spiritual aspect of what i desire as well as the physical.

Again...this doesn't happen overnight. Things like this require effort...plain and simple.

quote:

i have no friends. previously lifestyle was unhealthy and so i have disassociated myself with the old friends..and..i am just left alone.

Cutting old ties can be difficult...depending on the reasons. Staying stuck in a lonely situation, however, is a choice also.

quote:

i am just insecure and it leaves me lost.

Ok, I'm not going to sugar-coat this...the "little boy lost" thing isn't very appealing. If you're insecure...seek help to overcome it. You need to do that on your own...no one can do that for you.

quote:

i wish i could be so fortunate to find someone to 'hold my hand'...
without it i dont think i will ever be me.

See above response about "little boy lost" syndrome. Your profile, what little there is, states you are 40 years old. Old enough to do what's needed to move beyond hand holding.

quote:

i am hopeful and so i somehow continue to return to the site....
wishful thinking ...

Wishful thinking gets you nowhere unless you take the time to make your wish become reality. YOUR time and effort...no one elses.

quote:

i will somehow find the strength to move forward in my journey.

"Somehow find the strength"???? You need to work on the positive. I'm getting images of Eeyore..."Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning, which I doubt," said he." Come on, how could you make this positive...positive is good...positive can be sexy...poor-me is neither.

Take the time and ,effort to make friends and get a life. Those things don't come knocking at the door like Cinderella's fairy godmother. Work on your profile...add something besides kink (unless that's all you want)...go to a munch...focus on the positive.

I do wish you luck...starting over isn't the easiest thing but it can be quite wonderful.

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

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Post #: 24

RE: Trust - 10/30/2009 12:12:43 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anewme4u2c
i wish i could be so fortunate to find someone to 'hold my hand'...
without it i dont think i will ever be me.

You know, just for some insight. I am (or was at least) as vanilla as the day is long. I didn't find my first munch very intimidating. I found it to be a bunch of people, generaly welcoming and friendly, obviously used to the skittish new comer. Honestly, there wasn't much scarey there despite a great many misgivings before I attended.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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Post #: 25

RE: Trust - 10/30/2009 7:30:57 AM

YoursMistress

Posts: 894
Joined: 12/17/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: anewme4u2c

i have tried to do this for quite some time now and i must ask: how does a submissive male that just wants to find a friend to trust and confide in go about doing so without feeling forced to attend a munch and meet many others that offer nothing...if that makes sense.
i dont want to seem like i am trolling...but um....i am looking for a friend that i can Trust.
thank you.

I can't really know what all is going on for you, or what has gone on, so I won't presume to understand, only to empathize. It sounds like you may have gone through a divorce as I have recently done. I'll tell you briefly about my journey.

During my 9 year marriage, I was always secretive, and never really trusted my ex. Not that she wasn't trustworthy, just that I wasn't able or willing to trust. Like you, I didn't have close friends to talk to about it, and wasn't close to any of my family either. I had started seeing a family therapist (specializing in sex issues), and started to open up to her.

She in turn pointed me to some 12 step programs, including Al-Anon and several sex-based groups. There I learned to express myself openly and deeply in a safe environment. One of these was a men-only meeting, which was really good for me, considering that I didn't have any good relationships with men.

At that time, I had started playing in the "Second Life" online role-playing game, where I truly discovered my submissive nature, and learned to embrace it. There I found a marvelous Mistress, in whom I found myself willing and able to confide completely. She eventually encouraged me to explore real life, and was referred from there to alt.com and collarme.com.

At collarme, I started to write awkward introductory letters to prospective Dommes, and to flirt shyly by regularly perving profiles and marking people as favorites, hoping to be noticed. Eventually, I was able to engage a few into correspondence and even a few meetings.

Meanwhile, I went to a play party at a local dungeon, spoke with a woman there, clung to her through a second party in great discomfort and ran home and hid. Then, more yakking here and finally a meeting with someone that shared some mutual interest. I was able to speak freely with her, and saw her occasionally. Through her, I met a Domme with whom I really clicked.

Now, she is my girlfriend and I am "under consideration" with a training collar. **smiles** We talk without limits and it doesn't feel uncomfortable at all. I trust her with anything, and she feels the same for me. The reason she trusts me, is that I have been completely open and honest with her, and vice versa. There is no way I could have gotten to this point with her except by the path I took.

How long is your path? Who knows. I am 49, and it's taken me this long. The only way to shorten the path is by taking actions. Sometimes they are scary, sometimes contrary to what you think you want or should want. Sometimes it's just what you know you have to do. I can't stress enough the impact of the 12 step programs for me. The concept of a higher power was, perhaps, the key. While I am not religious, in the program I had to accept that a power greater than me could help me. And so, I had to invent someone that I could trust. In doing so, I got to exercise my "trust muscles" until I could trust enough to open up with real people, and so on.

In my opinion, you'll be fine, as you are reaching out in a way that feels scary and painful. Hopefully you'll get lucky and find someone"clicky" with you. Try to enjoy the ride as you're on it. Good luck!

yours

_____________________________

May your service of love a beautiful thing; want nothing else, fear nothing else and let love be free to become what love truly is. -- Hadewijch of Antwerp

As a rule, I don't like to make general statements.

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Post #: 26